cerita pagi.

akhir-akhir ini hati berhenti bercerita.
mungkin ia kehabisan peristiwa,
atau sekadar lupa cara bertutur yang biasa,
atau bisa jadi sedang hilang denyutnya.

lembar-lembar putih kembang kempis.
menjadikan garis-haris hitam seakan meliuk,
mengikuti irama sebentang hening yang mengaga di antaranya.
mereka haus momen terka alur yang mengikuti sebaris cerita.


lalu pagi menggeliat,
rengkuhan malam tetaplah kepompong nyaman yang tak ada banding.
namun ada yang sedikit berbeda dari embun hari ini.

pagi pun bangun,
tergesa kukira.
sampai lupa ia menyibak tirai dan mengambil kacamata.
semua karena waktu yang berdiri tenang di depan pintu.
membawa sekarung cerita

teruntuk pagi.

sebelum bulan tenggelam.

aku rindu padamu,
tentu saja. juga pada percakapan tanpa henti
tentang berapa keping dimensi yang mengelilingin rasa.

sebentar lagi, ada tahun yang beranjak
mungkin membawa rindu padamu,
atau mungkin meninggalkannya telanjang bulat begitu ia mejejakkan kaki keluar hati.


aku rindu padamu,
tentu saja. juga pada surat-surat tak berbalas
tentang betapa waktu menggigit pelan-pelan tali-tali mimpi yang belum bersimpul.

sebentar lagi, ada bulan yang tenggelam
mungkin membawa surat-surat balasan hingga karam
atau mungkin menjadikan mereka binar-binar cahaya purnama
yang tak sempat dipinjamnya dari matahari.

sebelum bulan tenggelam,
biar kubisikkan padamu setetes rindu yang menyublim
"selamat pagi, wahai pengurai simpul mimpi"

when one door is closed,

don't forget

there're couples of windows to break through.

it's much different, though, whether you want to break out or to break in.

[notes] november.

november,
it's sure a hard work cleaning all these mess left by october,
the one i never thought would be among my worst months.

november,
all i ever need was a clear blue sky,
as clear as honesty.
and a red sunsets over the bridge,
as bright as being bold.

november,
again i learnt it the hard way :
for good needs a real good plan,
and much to countless disappointment.


ps : never get too used to disappointment, deal with it each and every time, differently, progressively, like a real lady. disappointments are not to be ignored. let it have the way to make you grow.

[notes] .

"Why do you break my wings and make me crawl?
Why do you belittle and shun me?
Is it okay to throw stones if you're without sin?
Isn't stoning a sin?

Oh God.
He doesn't love me.
I know He doesn't love me.

Well, neither do I.
Neither do I."

- Amor Fati (Epik High, ft. KIM JONG WAN of NELL) -

listening this song, repeatedly, at one point i found my eyes were blurry by tears and my heart were full of aches.

melepaskan itu bukan perkara mudah,
karena itu berarti mempercayakannya
kembali kepada yang Maha Pemilik.

dan bagaimana aku bisa yakin ia benar kembali,
bukan tergoda pada satu pemilikan semu yang lain?

melepaskan itu bukan perkara mudah,
karena ada rasa percaya yang perlahan menarik diri.

.

tapi bahkan sebentuk rasa percaya,
juga bukan, dan tidak pernah adalah, sebuah milik.

[short notes] solid.

"... Membangun sebuah hubungan itu butuh dua orang yang solid. Yang sama-sama kuat. Bukan yang saling ngisi kelemahan, Yu."

...

"Karena untuk menjadi kuat, adalah tanggung jawab masing-masing orang. Bukan tanggung jawab orang lain."

- Saka / Cakra Garnida ("Sabtu Bersama Bapak", Adhitya Mulya) -

i don't know why, this reminds me a lot of this video i found some years ago :')

bucket list, redefined (i)

"She, who wanted to fly like a bird, bought a plane ticket.

He, who wanted the skies and the seas in the palm of

his hands, bought a large globe.

Everyone hangs a price tag on their dreams,

but no matter how much you spend,

your hearts are empty shopping carts.

You'll max your credit cards to buy what you want,

but won't max your dreams to live how you want to.

Looking for answers where your pocket is.

Baby, you don't even know what the problem is.

Your bucket list is a shopping list.

But the life you miss leaves you with no memories.

But you've got plenty of pictures.

Better hungry than distasteful.

But your tastes are only trends.

Easy come and just as easily gone."

..........

"When I was young, my dreams were a factory,

but now they are a dime-a-dozen convenience store."

..........

.

- RICH - Epik High (feat. Taeyang) on their 8th Album : SHOEBOX - 

lyrics are translated by Tablo, taken from the album booklet

ketika ragu memilih untuk bicara,

ada bahasa yang dipakainya : ketakutan.

ketakutan merangkai dirinya di atas kanvas bernama masa,

membentuk puisi patah hati berjudul sesal.

ketika ragu memilih untuk bicara,

ada cerita yang tak pernah sampai.

beranda rindu.

II.

tak semua rindu harus sampai tepat waktu.
karena ada hari tanpa pesan,
ada hari tanpa kata-kata.

hingga rindu tertahan di beranda.

beranda rindu.

I.

tengah malam adalah beranda pemisah antara ketergesaan dan kelambanan,
padanya rindu tercurah antara rasa dan waktu yang tepat berpapasan.

di antaranya ada jeda yang tak tertangkap kaca,
satu ruang tempat pahit menyublim kembali pada kekakuannya.

hingga kembalilah berjarak rindu-rindu yang belum tumpah.

pada senja yang terlalu panas.

tak ada kesendirian yang berarti saat diri terlalu terbiasa dengannya,
justru rasa kosong yang menggema dalam hati adalah yang menjadikannya.
perih seumpama rasa asam saat menyapa luka,
getir seumpama rasa pahit bersalutkan gula.

pada senja yang terlalu panas,
angin bertiup sangat kencang : mengacau jejak, mengacau jarak.
debu-debu yang bersaling-silang mengelus jemari
jadilah mereka selubung kesendirian.

so, let me clear things up,

five years ago i used my own vote, a freedom to choose a leader, to elect the president running the country, which, unfortunately five years later let his subordinates in crimes (they are not his partners, or are they?) to walk out the house, after stabbing the back of the country's citizens while stealing their right to directly vote their leader, a one way of how he is now standing theeereee (not there),


the question is :

how am i suppose to hold the responsibility of using my right to vote back then?

happiness is happiness, you should not be too worry that it'd become unreal just because it wasn't shared. because happiness is never just an idea.

that's what i personally feel.

"ketika kepalamu terasa berat,
coba bayangkan kantung air matamu :
apakah mungkin isinya sedang membatu"

(north-eastern)

...and the north-eastern wind tells you a story,
some paragraphs about trust,
and about time that does not actually heal. 

you know it does not, and will never...

.

Sunday evening might not be my most favorite times of what they called as weekend. Not even a random breeze on a one fine day with maximum heat could change my mind. However, I don't deny the message it carried. A message from a faraway land. Or a faraway heart, I must say.

The message is something about being upset upon seeing one's giving up. I laughed while reading the rest of the message. I read it calmly, word by word. I even interpreted every dots, or extended dots, a period and a coma, as if the message was written in some sort of secret codes. I smiled when reaching the part that indicated a slight disappointment.

And finally a closing, "a changing heart is just as unpredictable as a changing season with this global warming issue, isn't it? or it's just my false perception?"

Me, seven years behind, would definitely went all emotional. Texting with no second thought, with no considerations. Even his heart.

"you know what, global warming is not an issue."

But it's me, now. The version of which I prefer to have a long time thinking before answering. Not even gave a damn though the time to answer was up. Well, he demanded an answer. No indication of time was ever given. So I took my own amount of time. Leisurely. Pressure free.

.

It was Thursday. After ninty-eight of hours. And twenty-one missed-calls, And sixteen unreplied text messages. And one blank text message.

I decided to make it handwritten.

"a changing heart is not to be predicted. it's just changing. that's all. 
even the changing season, no matter that's unrelated to this, is not to be predicted.
you learn to read the signs, and later you learn to read the patterns. that's how the life of our intertwined hearts goes.
have you ever thought of this : maybe it's not the heart that's changing. maybe it's how we read things differently, now and then. maybe, just maybe, our heart intertwined in a way both of them resisted.

maybe it is your false perception. on trust."

.

And I wait for the South-Western wind to fly along with the love letter. Because I don't believe in time that heals. It is coming home.

stay with me,

"For worse or for better
Just stay with me forever

You have the same sad face as me

Won’t you stay with me, come to me
Your lips don’t agree but your eyes tell me you want me
Won’t you stay with me, come to me"

(Credits : BBU)

.

because i don't want to plan this alone. 

signs.

.

too many signs i must try hard to interpret. my brain burns as the sun. my heart itches as the mosquito bit. too many pauses those couldn't be undone, yet times, as you know it, never stops. 

there are days when sunsets were orange, rather than red. a perfect round of orange. those days, the orange days. the days arrived through your presence, unprecedented, unpredictable. just happened.

these days are busy days. sunsets barely had colors. sunsets barely acted as day's second bookmark. time, as you know it, never stops. never listens. never sees. 

a one fine day awaits, though. another different perfect day where sunsets fall, just like an orange from its tree. with a pair of hands to catch it, with a laugh following a yell from inside the house. grandpa's.

a day i'll be able to reach, with your presence, once again. similarly unprecedented. predictable. and this time, it's us that make it happen. 

and then, there will definitely be a sunrise for us to start another chapter of sunsets catching, with an orange in our pocket.

(notes : this is not a translation of the song. but rather, this is an interpretation of the drama's opening of which this song is one of its soundtracks)

[notes] Rules are made to break.

Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist. - Picasso.


Just now I stumbled on the quote. A nice one.

You know, I always, I mean always, hate the statement "Rules are made to break." What do these people really know about making the rules, anyway? Do they ever really think about purposes, often complicated ones, those underlie the making of rules? Or, do they ever really think about anything?

Having the rules ahead of us is much like having some stranger confronting us with an "hey, you, i love you!" Well, you are given either an "hey, you, i love you too!" or an "hey, you, i don't love you. sorry.", or an "who are you again?". No definite response will be noticed by the time the confrontation started.

Of course, breaking a rule is an option. But what on earth the breaking thing would mean if the rule itself isn't fully understood at the beginning? What really is there to break? Are you sure you're breaking a rule? Or are you just making a shortcut passing your laziness to try understanding things?

If you can take as much as "chaos is the absence of order", why can't you take more on "what's forming an order so that its absence could bring a presence of its opposite called chaos"? How far are you willing to understand the word "opposite" itself here?


"Rules are made to break." So how can you mark it as a complete sentence?

pagi.

kusapa matahari atas namamu,
malam.

kurasa pagi kembali lupa, ia bukan pemiliknya yang satu-satunya.

it's a clean start.

forgiving. accepting things out of my power to control. 

the academic career path. academic writing practices. 

the PhD plan.

scrap-booking : documenting - clean the mess. 

more exercises, more journal making. 

and start looking, in a free-from-pressure way.

Seattle / Berkeley / Edinburgh / Newcastle / Sheffield.

.

this' not an easy year, anyway

i've just recently realized, that as long as you had democracy as a context, you got to be prepared for real life : 1) people speak whatever to their liking, 2) people listen to only what they want to listen to, 3) people think with an invisibly biased double stands.

those're all just to be expected, since most of us (that includes me), might never be really taught how to read things properly. and so suddenly we arrived here : the age where understanding is gradually becoming a subjective choice; a basic principal of consciousness no more.

- day 29 - 

of all places in the world i'd love to put inside my bucket list is that where i don't need to feel such unidentified hurt on my chest on a daily basis.

- day 26 -

"it takes more than an average broken heart to realize that one is just not a home."

- day 22 -

sembilan juli dua ribu empatbelas.

hari ini Indonesia memilih.


ya Tuhan kami,
berikanlah yang terbaik bagi bangsa ini.
seorang pemimpin yang layak kami dapatkan,
seorang pemimpin yang bisa mengajari kami dengan baik tentang demokrasi,
juga yang bisa membuat kami menyadari segala hal yang harus dibayar demi sebuah pilihan yang dibuat.

pemimpin tidak lahir, ia dibentuk.
ia datang dengan keberanian yang bukan milik setiap orang.

maka lapangkanlah kami akan hasil terbaik menurutMu,
siapa yang kepadanya negeri ini akan dititipkan.


ya Tuhan kami,
lindungilah Indonesia.

dan izinkanlah kami menjadi bangsa yang dewasa
lewat langkah yang tertatih, dalam kesalahan juga mungkin kekalahan,

serta keberanian yang selalu lebih satu untuk menerima dan berdiri kembali.

demi merah putih yang berkibar utuh.


. . .
ya Tuhanku,
untuk sebuah Indonesia,
yang pada tanahnya jiwa tertanam, yang airnya mengalir jernih membasuh raga,
syukur hanya ke hadirat-Mu.

juli.

bumi tak lagi kenal musim.
penantian terbang bersama angin
kepastian hanyut bersama sungai.

sedari mula, mungkin ia adalah bumi yang tak sempat dikenal.

bumi yang tanpa musim.
bumi yang penuh matahari dan hujan.

bumi tak lagi kenal musim.
mungkin sekali ia adalah sang musim itu sendiri.

- pada hujan, di satu jelang dini hari bulan juli -

"my plan is firm and fixed. until somebody's worth half of my heart came along ruining it.

i mean it."

- day 7 -

"your life in a mess? well, make it up. as long as it might take."

- day 6 -

"never really trust in : "that's somebody else's part""

- day 5 -

"some lessons were meant to be learnt the hard way. otherwise, i won't really take it as lesson."

- day 4 -

"to accept that not everything you just could understand."

- day 3 -

"the need to be justified, maybe it's not a sincerity to begin with."

- day 2 -

"to understand is a matter of perception, which is a matter of to know very well, that would only happened by choice made out of consciousness and clarity."

- day 1 -

. let me go .

. . .

"They say that time flies

but you keep breakin’ its wings."

. . .

. . .

"You wish me well.

You wish me well.

I wish you hell."

. . .

(Tablo - Eyes, Nose, Lips Cover via YG LIFE)

[notes] a broken heart : a clarity.

when you had your heart broken, time unconsciously stopped for you.
so it's no surprise that for certain pairs of eyes, you're always be eight. or fourteen. or nineteen. or twenty one. and the bigger universe sees you, still, as a passer by.

when you had your heart broken, you blindfold yourself with what so called 'a cancelled future'.
it is indeed a future. it's just not yours.
you know that very well, but nonetheless you marked it. with the permanent marker.
(but, you see, in actual world it was untouchable. nor temporary marker, nor permanent one, could ever left a dot.)

when you had your heart broken, you wrote as much on your journal, thinking it was a therapy.
but there's no such thing a therapy for broken heart, is it? well, pragmatically it's broken.
you don't do therapy for a broken heart. you just wiped off the pieces, clean the dusts, and make up the mess. and all you need, is really, blank papers and ink. or pencil, without an eraser.

when you had your heart broken, you just can't trust people's eyes.
simply because you're too afraid to find a place of escape on them.
because, you know, running away from a broken heart, your heart that is, is way too much.

when you had your heart broken, it might be a clarity.
a clearance of all doubts. a cleaning of all unspoken self-hatred.
a serene vision towards a quietly-queuing-in-line future.


#notes : this post was meant to be something fictional, a proof of too much listening to Coldplay's Ghost Stories, Taeyang's Rise, Gorillaz's On Melancholy Hills, and Damon Albarn's Lonely Press Play & Heavy Seas of Love.

[notes] a short take of an "i miss you".

every now and then, i always promised myself
not to be in love,
of which the "i miss you" is too hurtful to say.

nonetheless those're just words.
a kind of
melted ice, evaporated water, sublimed steam.

i dare not say it a 'too late',
i dare to say it a 'not that mature enough'.

"i miss you" is like a signed-out messenger,
a terminated telepathy.
yet, a prerequisite to a love letter.


talk about now,
i'm about to promise myself
to fall in love,

this time to a kind of which the "i miss you" would bleed my heart out until its last drop
so then i would had only emptiness as an "i love you".


i miss you.

langit kepada hati.

berkeputusanlah kamu di atas gunungan rasa percaya padaNya.

keindahan ada di Timur dan di Barat,

ketenangan ada di Utara dan di Selatan.

sekali bersandarlah pada waktu,

kesempatan tak pernah kenal kata terlalu cepat, atau terlalu lambat.

ia hanya kenal kata "siap", dan bukan persiapan.

sekali minta saja semesta memutuskannya untukmu,

dengan menitipkan setiap lembar rasa percaya yang utuh tak terlipat.

ia tak kenal berkhianat pada titipan rasa percaya.

langit kepada hati :

untuk bintang-bintang di atasku,

dan awan-awan di bawahku,

untuk resah di kirimu,

dan ragu di kananmu,

tidakkah selalu ada sesuatu di antaranya?

sebuah sementara yang fana saja.

[notes] butterfly.

sometimes, a dream was like a butterfly in the making. at first, it was so ugly we wouldn't want to admit it as ours. later it was so immersed in its transformation process, so lonely we don't even bother to be its company. and finally, it turned out as a shiny beautiful butterfly, so bright we felt so little to embrace it.


so at the end of the day, we could only watched it fly away.

but you know, there's a tale which said that if that dream was really ours, it would find its way to fly back to us. again, a tale.

pematik

malam berhenti pada satu titik yang bukan pagi,
berdiam diri di tengah kebebasan sejati dari waktu.

ia bungkus detik-detik yang berlalu sedemikian ributnya tak tembus,
hingga manusia sejenak lupa, malam pasti berakhir.

setiap cerita selalu dimulai dari malam,
berakhir pada malam, atau berjalan sepanjang malam.
ia adalah nafas tercadang.

malam berhenti pada satu titik yang bukan pagi,
sambil sibuk berpikir mau berkata bagaimana.

ia menjadi setapak bagi waktu-waktu yang berjalan pelan,
lalu pasti menuju pintu keluar alam mimpi.

setiap mimpi selalu dimulai dari malam,
tanpa akhir, tanpa perjalanan.
ia adalah nafas pertama : pematik kesadaran yang sebentar lalu mati.

.
malam berhenti pada satu titik yang bukan pagi,
dengan mimpi di tangan kanan dan kirinya,
dan api yang menyala pada jarak tahunan cahaya.

1 | square one.

Good thing doesn't wait at the end of the road. Rather, they tag along us all the way. Unfortunately, most of times they choose to be invisible. Or, just a might be . . . 

. . . it was first noticed not by our heart, but by our pride, or our fear. So in the next second, it would be vanished. And all that's left is what wee see as an emptiness, a mere absence of wholeness. 

Good thing is on its way. Not necessarily on a separate way from us. But, instead, on the very same way. It's not really something to be expected or to be waited for, but it's more of something we brought along with from the beginning.

Square one is just a square anyway :)

2 | on the way.

i am usually not a big fan of (american) superhero movies. no definite reasons to it, though. however, i found it different with batman on the dark knight series and spider man the reboot editions. maybe because, they are all too human? the same reason why most people, instead, not very fond of those. because superhero should just stay superhero, perhaps.

recently i just watched the amazing spider man 2. and i must say, despite all the average reviews, i love it. not on a normal amount, i admit. few things those stole my attention were the scoring music (as always), the dialogues (those rather human-ish, not superhero-ish, simple, metaphor-less, an everyday possible findings), and the characters, especially gwen stacy. that is a girl. oh, and did i mention the amazing visual effects? i did, just now.

for the scoring, hans zimmer just nailed it. the music just perfectly wrapping up the movie about a human superhero, who has his own complicated 'normal' matters and his supposedly-to-be-happy-ended love story. everything just right on their tracks. nothing too much. nothing too less. well, for frequent listening, i prefer ones with slow tempo, still. my favorite is "we're best friends".

as for the dialogue, my most favorite are gwen stacy's "Nobody makes a decision for me. This is my choice." and aunt may "It's funny that the heavier the box gets, the lighter I feel." well, all i can say, these two quotes saved my day. just when i'm on the verge of letting but me to make decisions for my future. just when i almost decide not to pack the boxes. well, i am a girl. i should do my things.

in all, the movie left me with an aftertaste similar to the dark knight rises. well, the latter received better reviews, though. but you don't love things (or ones) through comparison, or do you?

i love this track so much <3

3 | [old notes]

"putting self defense mechanism on a heart is exhausting. it works in a predictable preventive way, detecting dangers so that it could build a fortress. no surprises. harmless to the current self, but not for the heart's future, since it was a major intervention to the nature of its ground."

- a note taken from unpublished draft on September 2012, edited as needed. 

a heart might lie deny, but not your drafts. -

4 | bumi dan air.

pada diam yang berlalu,
ada tanya yang terkatakan dengan tanda seru.

lalu ada pesan terakhir penghapus garis, menjadikan tanda seru semata titik yang bersahabat,
hingga nanti dalam sebuah catatan.

pada ceritamu yang tersendat,
ada tanya yang menghilang bersama arus.

lalu ada pesan tak kunjung datang, hingga arus terlanjur bermuara
dan tanya ikut terhanyut, menjadi hantu hingga nanti cerita mencapai ujungnya.

.
bumi dan air,
bertemu (kembali) di tengah cerita
dengan ajakan berdamai pada diam
untuk memanggil (kembali) sang tanya ke antara mereka.


.
(tulisan ini dibuat di suatu hari menjelang akhir tahun 2012, tapi diputuskan untuk dipublikasikan dengan sedikit penyesuaian di hari ini. tentang sebuah pertanyaan di bulan oktober 2011, yang hanyut bersama waktu hingga menguap di bulan april 2012. tentang sebuah pertanyaan yang tak pernah terjawab, yang mungkin memang tak berjawab.)

5 | distance.

the safest distance is, indeed, when you're try saying "i love you", he's (still) not listening.

.

as for me, distance is principal. it is what makes the fire warm, the ice cold, the love desired, the jealousy hurts, the in between spaces worth the walk, the time worth spending. it also takes a distance to muster up all the courage within myself, to convey what's not mine to begin with.

while speaking of the distance itself, exactly like time, it is somewhat relative. indefinite. that's why i found it scary. focusing on the term of safest distance, it could be literally shouting loud the i love you while he's literally miles away or literally whispered it, inside your heart, to add, while he's literally holding your hand besides you. at both set, he won't bother to listen, or would he? well, unless there's an imaginary secret tunnel of alienated words only both of us understand connecting our minds. but that's not it.

certain distance gave me certain feelings of falling in love, being loved in return, or even falling out of it. it gave me room for sanity, despite how hard i fell or how deep i was hurt. distance is a big white screen to check whether that thing i thought i'm having was a real thing or it's just one scary illusion.

as you might know, love is universal. but how each one of us interpret it, is not. basically the same for all other universal things. so, distance, just in case. not for calculation nor measurement. but to seemingly feel.

6 | quote at the end of reading.

"I closed my eyes and listened carefully for the descendants of Sputnik, even now circling the earth, gravity their only tie to the planet. Lonely metal souls in the unimpeded darkness of space, they meet, pass each other, and part, never to meet again. No words passing between them. No promises to keep."

Sputnik Sweetheart, by Haruki Murakami - on chapter 14

7 | perjalanan.

(Candi Ratu Boko, Juni 2010)

.

perjalanan memintamu (selalu) untuk jatuh hati.

keindahan menjadi sesuatu yang tak berlabelkan harga :

waktu yang membumi,

dan ruang yang mengudara.

.

perjalanan mengingatkanmu (juga) untuk tak lupa berpatah hati.

denyut jantung perlahan mengiris rekaman berwarna hijau yang baru sampai ke hati :

rasa yang berlabuh (sesaat) di ujung sinar mata,

dan aroma jarak sepelemparan senyuman.

.

lalu akhirnya, 

pada pulang tak ada seperjalanan untuk selamanya

8 | two minds.

are not to think alike,
whether both are great ones, poor ones,
or a combination.

if you're about to found a couple,
maybe you're just having hallucination.


you don't believe in exact replication of a labyrinth set, do you?

9 | on the way home.

I've been in love with John Mayer's music since 2004, once I found "Clarity" on my friend's playlist. At first, of course, it's all about the melody, the beat, the voice, ... the atmosphere. And later it's all about the lyrics. I just can't resist his kind of poetic, yet honestly metaphoric words. His phrases never failed to give me pinches in the heart, and twists in the mind.

However, lately, I must admit I kinda fall out of his music. I really wanna say that his transformation towards country-ish music was awesome, yet I don't really get that genre of music. But then, be it any kind of genre he's exploring, his lyrical touch remains as strong.

Maybe, like this one.

.

"The summer's over. This town is closing.

They're waving people out of the ocean.

We have the feeling like we were floating.

We never noticed where time was going.

Do you remember when we first got here?

The days were longer the nights were hot here.

Now, it's September the engine's starting.

You're empty-handed and heavy-hearted.

But just remember on the way home, (oh oh oh)

That you were never meant to feel alone.

It takes a little while, but you'd be fine

Another good time coming down the line.

You'll go back to love that's waiting.

I'll unpack in a rented room.

How's that life you swear you're hating?

Grass is greener that makes two.

But just remember on the way home, (oh oh oh)

That you were never meant to feel alone.

Just look me up get back on the bus.

I'll see you next week if you need my trust.

Life ain't short, but it sure is small.

You get forever but nobody at all.

Life ain't short, but it sure is small.

You get forever but nobody at all.

It don't come often, and it don't stay long.

But just remember on the way home,

You don't ever have to feel alone.

Just stay on the run; get off the grid.

Hide yourself out like you know that I did,

And if you might find that you're running is done,

A little bit of Heaven never hurt no one."

.

Music is indeed a universal language.

And a locker of unspoken truths those're needless to be said yet craving for silent stage.

Well, (at least) that's his music to me.

*) Lyrics credit here

10 | currency converter.

"people speaks of love holding different values of their life. there's no definite currency, nor a real fair trade when it's something related to feelings. the converter is presumptions with highly subjectivity. the only thing to trust is self honesty, and the courage to admit."

11 | jealousy, an inconsistency on pretending.

jealousy is like,
a pinch in a heart
a cancelled rain, leaving an early humidity.

it's like,
negating the 'no it's not you'
confirming the 'i actually into you'.

it's nowhere near love,
nothing like a future.

it's a time capsule for a later regret,
which is opened just in time.

12 | masterplanner.

the title is so tempting. masterplanner. the term alone has a sparkling aura of a double combo : master and planner. it spreads the image of lying leisurely in the park, with a cold coffee and a stack of coffeetable references, with rolls of tracing papers and markers in various colors.

it feels like you'll have forever with you.

truth is somehow a pinch in the air :
"hey you, i want the masterplan of those hectares tomorrow. and by tomorrow, i mean tomorrow morning. no need to take a forever, it's just a plan."

*well, it's not exactly a 'tomorrow', i just exaggerated it a bit. a tiny bit.

.
and now, let's assume it's already, say, a year later :
"hey you, why did you planned it like that back than. so awful! and this element, and this, why didn't you take it into consideration? what's with the hurry? you should take more time with you..."

"well, it's just a plan, you know... it needn't a forever."

" . . . "

==============================

as for me, i took planning (way) too serious. be it planning in professional context. or as simple as planning a vacation. or a future. so, 'it's just a planning' won't really do for me. well, yeah, unless the other party wouldn't mind sharing the responsibility for any unpleasant after effect of what they said 'poor planning'. and again, what does a thing take to be said as poorly planned?

.

but, be a good masterplanner anyway.
you may not experience the after effect, but the people after you will.
think about their happiness. imagine a little. masterplanning is not mere technical.

and again,
you may not experience the after effect of your carelessly planned life,
but the future version of you will. and you just don't have any idea who else will.

it's just a plan. but what's planned is never a just.

13 | Jason Mraz - The World As I See It

dear mr. Mraz, now I remember why is it so easy to fall for your songs.

.

"You are the mountain, you are the rock

You are the court and you're the spark

You are the eagle, you are the lark

You are the world and you're remarkable

You're the ocean beating the shore

You are the calm inside the storm

You're every emotion, you can endure

You are the world, the world is yours.

(It's not hard for me to love you

Hard for me to love you

No it's not a difficult thing.

It's not hard for me to love you

Hard for me to love you

Unconditionally)"

.

and you,

now I remember why it was that easy to fall for you.

14 | bittersweet sense of sunset.

Picture was personal property, taken from one spot on Northern Coast of DIli, Timor Leste

it's like when all you want is one peaceful session of sunset watching,

yet there's no path towards,

yet the sun hides itself beyond clouds.

next time, maybe, on some other edge.

15 | 1997.

It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me

To go through all the things that I want to be

I don't believe in everything I see

You know I'm blind so why d'you disagree?

OASIS - All Around the World, Album Be Here Now, 1997

.

It's hard to pack the life of my 1997 in a box. The changing heart of a 14 years old girl, as well the fast-flowing time to mark an era. Influential things came all the way along the life, yet there're always some times when they're coming in a too vast of lines and speed.

1997 is one of those time. That's when my head didn't reach the level of imagination. That's when dramas occupied all spaces inside. That's the first time to realize things don't go as you thought they should be. Things go as they pleased.

And on that time, to understand was yet an option.

16 | pada biru.

Gambar adalah dokumentasi pribadi yang diambil dari pesawat dalam penerbangan Dili-Jakarta, 

di atas kecantikan sisi Timur Indonesia bagian Selatan, 15 April 2014

.

karena segala sesuatunya tak pernah menapak,

padahal demikian mereka pada awalnya

karena segala sesuatunya adalah tak pasti,

padahal demikian mereka telah ditetapkan.

menenangkan hati mungkin bukan dengan memintanya begitu,

tapi dengan terus memintanya mengawang, tak kenal ketinggian,

hingga ia terbiasa dengan debar-debar aneh

dan lalu rasa tenang saat menjejak satu ketinggian yang dinamakan rumah.

17 | april.

i read this post by Winda, and i thought : 

april is, yes, the loneliest month in a year.

despite the start of the spring.

despite the abundance of love that brought me into this world.

being by myself never the seed of loneliness.

it was, and always be, because of april.

18 | an hour to go.

you know things i wish,
you know drafts of my plans,
you know where i set my destination.

you decide, whether to give ways or not,
or maybe another detour to go.

i am (almost) past 30, anyway.

19 | dusty spring playlist.

a playlist for a heart that wants to start it all over again :

1. Sonata no.16 - Shubert

2. One - Depapepe

3. Love Mode - Clazziquai Project feat. Tablo

4. Don't Go Home - GD&TOP

5. Bolero - TVXQ

6. Say You Love Me - Simply Red

7. Love Dust - Bigbang



*) dusty means something to be cleaned up, as much as we can. nonetheless, some would remain stay in the corner so that some (sun)light could bring (back) life into the once dark room.

20 | white playlist.

a playlist for a broken heart :


1. The Remedy - Jason Mraz

2. Lover, Lover - James Iha

3. Split Screen Sadness - John Mayer

4. Life is Wonderful - Jason Mraz

5. Little by Little - OASIS

6. Love is Noise - The Verve

7. Champagne Supernova - OASIS



*) because a broken heart, on one side, is a heart that was bleeding all its blood out until there's no red left behind, so it would be ready to bleed again. and again. and again.

*) while having a broken heart, sad songs could stimulate the negative emotions to go out, yet not-sad songs however needed to pull the heart out back into life (again).

21 | sekali, ...

...secangkir kopi dan percakapan yang tak ada henti,

pada suatu masa adalah sebuah kemewahan.

22 | usia.

orang bilang, "usia tak pernah bohong",

lalu pernah kamu bertanya pada matahari,

apakah ia mengenal usia.

perhatikan,

jika kau tanya ia di kala senja begini,

pasti jawabnya,

"tidak, aku tak mengenalnya. siapa itu?"

lalu, lihatlah tanah.

jika tak ada satu pun lembar daun yang menyentuhnya,

kamu tahu,

dia hanya pura-pura.

karena baginya, senja berarti kesiangan untuk mengenalkannya padamu.

23 | a life : unpacked.

imagine you're packing your life into boxes.

how many stacks it would make?
of what size(s) the boxes would you pick?
how much would you pack in a box? a year? a month? a week? a day? a moment?
how would you like the tags to be? one box one tag? one box a hundred tags?
would you prefer colored boxes? or the white ones? or the black ones? or would you like them transparent?
how long do you think it would take you to pack all your things?
in a blink of an eye, or a forever?

imagine you finished packing. imagine you sent them off.

imagine you were there at your new place while the boxes arrived.

how big of spaces you think you would like to spare for them?
how much of times you think you would like to spend unpacking them?
how would you like to perceive them? as a gift from the past which you could keep or toss, or as a burden you will have to take for the rest of your life?


imagine you're packing your life into boxes,
how would you like to do it so you'd know later which boxes are to toss, which are to stay forever inside the walking closet,

and which are to unpack

?

24 | happy ending.

Let me tell you thing : I hate that very ending of "How I Met Your Mother" the series. Well, I don't hate the series itself, though. It's just turned out that the series were actually about that-thing-the-daughter-said-at-the-finale. It was the worst twisted ending I could ever imagined for the series.

But you know, maybe a series doesn't always need to have a happy ending. Maybe some of them just need to wrap themselves with some senses. Of which exactly happened with this series. Of which brought me to the thought of : so where on earth that "moving on lesson" thing go?

Oh, maybe here it is :
Sometimes moving on were being exaggerated. Most of times, it was related to accepting something out of our actual desires. It never once crossed in mind, that moving on might be related to accepting something from our past that I-don't-know-how-but-it-somehow-managed-to-find-its-way-to-the-future-and-being-something-for-us-to-moving-on-to. Just maybe.

And let me tell you one other thing : I love the Mother. Enough that I could manage to accept the ending.


It's just I need to restrain myself from moving on to something came from my past disguising as my future. This would be hard.

Just maybe.

25 | "when will...?"

about ten years ago, i joined an optional class on my last year of college. it was something about 'issues and contextual' related, yet the only thing i remember taking home is this :

the lecturer : "hey, you, yes you (pointing on one of my classmates), when will you want to get married?"
the classmate : "uhmm...after i finished my graduate study, sir"
the lecturer : "so, what if you NEVER had your graduate study? will you NOT ever be married?"
the whole class : "ermm..."

yeah, in a pursuit of dreams, time is essential. however, i often forgot that i should not set the time started with such prepositions as 'before' or 'after' or 'during'. because each of dreams are independent. you only answer that "when will...?" using preposition "on".

26 | your zero, not my zero.

dear Lila,

One day I wish you to understand, of all my decisions todays there's something like : "I want you to start from your own zero, not from my zero". That's why, my first reason would be you. That's why I started everything from your 14. That's why I rephrase my dream.

So that you'll start at your own perfect zero.


with much love,

I.

27 | pulang.

pulang adalah kata yang tak sempat mengenalmu. ia pemalu yang hanya mau mengintipmu dari satu halaman kamus. berharap cemas kamu setidaknya berpikir untuk mengejanya.

pulang adalah kata yang kamu pura-pura tak lihat dan tak dengar. padamu tak ada sebuah cerita tentang pulang, tak ada sebuah nyanyian selamat kembali di rumah.

pulang adalah sekaligus jarak yang tak tahu bagaimana harus membentangkan dirinya di antara aku dan kamu.

28 | langit senja.

langit senja memiliki merah yang berbeda di mana- mana. dan untuk kota ini, merah sore ini adalah yang terindah.

mungkin karena ia tahu, aku sedang menghitung lembaran-lembaran tersisa. untuk berkemas membungkus ilusi-ilusi yang menyamar sebagai mimpi, lalu membuangnya ke aliran sisa waktu malam nanti.

supaya besok pagi aku bisa beranjak membawa bayangan langit senja yang indah, sambil memanggul mimpi sejati yang aku masih ingin melihatnya tumbuh di dalamku.

jika sempat kau tanya mana lukisan senja terindah itu : kota ini sudah terlalu penuh ilusi.

dan aku tidak melukis sebuah ilusi.

28 | langit senja.

langit senja memiliki merah yang berbeda di mana- mana. dan untuk kota ini, merah sore ini adalah yang terindah.

mungkin karena ia tahu, aku sedang menghitung lembaran-lembaran tersisa. untuk berkemas membungkus ilusi-ilusi yang menyamar sebagai mimpi, lalu membuangnya ke aliran sisa waktu malam nanti.

supaya besok pagi aku bisa beranjak membawa bayangan langit senja yang indah, sambil memanggul mimpi sejati yang aku masih ingin melihatnya tumbuh di dalamku.

jika sempat kau tanya mana lukisan senja terindah itu : kota ini sudah terlalu penuh ilusi.

dan aku tidak melukis sebuah ilusi.

29 | -

ada yang bisa selesai tanpa harus jadi puisi :

saat semesta bersepakat dengan tuhan,
ini masanya hati mendewasa dengan rasa yang terwadah, bukan tertumpah.


.
dan diam-diam di belakang,
deretan aksara yang sedang kaku dalam bertautan pun mengamini.

30 | patah hati.

pagi-pagi menyapu sisa-sisa serpihan hati yang patah tadi malam.
namun mungkin satu dua tetap tertinggal sebagai pengingat,
agar tak pernah ada kata terbiasa.

hati yang patah, lagi-lagi adalah penanda
bagi sebuah rasa yang tumbuh sejelas-jelasnya
pada sepetak ruang yang belum benar.

hati yang patah, tidak sama dengan hati yang kalah
hati yang patah, hanya perlu bertumbuh sedikit lagi bersama waktu
untuk menjadi ruang yang lapang untuk sebuah rasa yang sejati.





.
catatan : tentang patah hati adalah perkara yang tidak berujung.

31 | point zero.

in the name of flowers and uncertainties
in the whispers of rainy morning dew
in the footsteps of leaving seconds

i barely recall your past presence,
i barely remembered your promise

in the name of unsent letters,
in the name of thank you for being there.


and i barely told you i was waiting.

[journal] writing, lately.

Okay, I have to admit that I'm having the worst relationship with writing on this period (semester to be precise). Even as I could remembered, I still wrote during my hectic days of thesis and even on my busy days of year-end project reports. Something was just off, lately.

Usually, whenever things came to me, writing them off would be my automatic mode. No matter whether I would love or hate it, later. I just couldn't help being expressive through writing on this blog, the better under 'sketsa suara' tag. But lately, I think too much before posting almost anything. I became more and more worry whether that would be something worthy of posting or not, yet such thing never really that much of consideration. There's always a pair of edit-and-review thing.

I once said to my friend, maybe for the last years, writing had been my tool for searching of something. And that for now I thought I have found what I was looking for, so eventually, unconsciously I began to stop writing.

But it's not it. Turns out there's no such thing as settling down. There's no such thing as "finally finding".

Here's my proof : this month would be my last month working in that big city. I tell you, this is far from my plan, which originally outlined three-five years of living as the big-city-career-girl. And if you wonder where will I be starting from the next month, I tell you one more thing : I don't know. Who knows what kind of decision I would make at this very month. Who know which way I'd put my trust in, my intuition or my logic.

Or my pride.

.
So I just come with the idea to start again, from the scratch. To take notes of each encounters during my last stay in the city. Well, those might be not all a pleasant thing. But, documentation is about documenting. It's a neutral thing. No matter it's about good things or bad things. The documenting must go on.

Nonetheless, writing is one important decision I made when I was 27, yet I didn't know what kind of writing I want to make. Hence nothing was ever started, really. As for now, despite all those bitterness of the livelihood in the big city, it surprisingly gives me a very clear vision of that later thing. The starting point, however, is on my hand.


. .
Just in case, not too long from now I'd make a decision the future me would definitely regret.

i always thought that having my works being claimed by others is the worst thing might ever happen in my personal pursuit of finding a place in this world. turned out i could handle that just right.

however, as much as i am aware that i'm not that good as a human being, and as much as i understand that to feel good about themselves (sometimes might exceed towards the point of to feel much better than others) are just human's nature, i found it's just really hard to accept being wrong framed so that somebody else could be looked as doing good.

well, that's just emotionally exhausted me to the point i even did something so stupid such as writing a gramatically too much error of a too long a sentence.

pardon me.

i know i should not write anything when it's only my 'reddish' emotion in control. but i feel that one day i'd need to be able to re-recognize this kind of emotion. just in case.

now that i wrote this down, i could finally have a hopefully peaceful sleep.

#10.

ketika matahari masih setia dengan bumi yang tak tertebak,

haruskah berhenti setia dengan cita-cita yang jelas menanti di ujung jalan?

padamu.

ada padamu, harum rumah seperti bantal tua yang kumal
ada padamu, hangat malam musim hujan seperti selimut tampal empat petak
ada padamu, merdu nyanyian pagi seperti derit pagar terbuka oleh pengantar koran

ada padamu, rumah sebagian hati
yang beratap tidak berdinding
yang bertaman tidak berpagar

ada padamu,
sepenggal dari perjalananku

Jatuh cinta : musim kedua.

Jatuh cinta kali ini seperti daun daun pohon mahoni saat meranggas
Tak kenal dahulu mendahului dalam kecepatan melepaskan diri dari ranting
Tak kenal menunggu yang terdahulu selesai dengan tanah

Jatuh cinta ya seperti daun-daun itu. Kuning. Ringan. Lepas. Melayang. Tak berarah. Hingga menyentuh dasar.

Jatuh.

Dan sekali angin, cinta-cinta kering itu lalu tersapu bersih

[notes] a scent of the second season.

dear earth,
for as long as there's no good bye waves from the rains
you may want to expect the second season coming down.

but no worries.

it has different scent you'd happily detect : it's either a morning dew, or a 4 am peeking sun.
it was a season where even stars dancing to your sky, despite the thunderstorm.

so no worries.

a pleasant scent is a sign of something good might be in the making.


.

dear rain,
how happy might you be, having countless seasons as your home.

when we were closer :

that's when we forgot how should it felt being at our early 20s.
that's when our windows were always opened towards each other at our shared backyard.
that's when a pause between our exchange of words was only a second away.
that's when a thousand miles was unimaginable.



when we were closer,
a distance was a change of heart away.
that's when closing the windows were never an option.

separuh jarak.

hujan, bukan melulu tentang memberi jalan pada air-air

yang bersesak-sesak pulang pada tanah.

tanah : 

rumah mereka yang mungkin ada yang masih, yang mungkin ada yang sudah

hujan, bukan melulu tentang memberi ruang berkumpul pada air-air

yang terakhir melepas rindu satu sama lain pada langit yang tak lagi biru.

biru :

tanah kelana yang lama-lama menjadi kelabu

'

hujan, sekali waktu adalah tentang jarak,

tentang sebuah antara :
pergi dan kembali.

hujan yang riang, menempuh sepenuh jarak dengan berlari lurus.

hujan yang marah, menempuh sepenuh jarak dengan berlari berputar.

hujan yang sedih, menempuh sepenuh jarak dengan menyeret langkah.

hujan yang gundah, menempuh jarak hanya separuh.

''

hujan, bukan melulu tentang jarak

yang harus ditempuh, penuh atau juga separuh.

hujan, sekali waktu adalah tentang jarak

yang harus dimulai, tentang sebuah jeda :

tentang sebuah koma.

"for a further better destination, a (quiet huge) step back might be necessary..."

.do i buy that?

[journal] a taste of half a season.

And suddenly it's February. I'm hoping to run with it, after January took me down.

Well, okay, January might not be the best month this year. Things happened, and those were not pleasant ones, unfortunately. Another lesson learnt. It's true that the only thing you can expect to come is the unexpected. No matter how good of a planner you might be, there's always some spaces for emergency. To re-plan is a consequence when you decided to plan at the first place.

Am I okay? Not really. Will I be okay? I don't know. I realize I'm more a logical person rather than an optimistic one. But, you know, it's not being optimistic that makes me figured out the way out. It's being logical does. So the question shouldn't be something too abstract, it should be clearer such do I have a resolution to face the things? Sure. I do.

I still can't go on the details, but this one thing happened sure gave me a big question. One most repeated question : what do I actually want in life?

Just now I realized the answer might not be everlasting. Just like the changing seasons. Or it might be everlasting. The first thing you have wants, the second thing you'd be tested as many as needed, do you really want it? Does it come right from heart, or just a temporary desire which fully occupy your mind?

There're so many resolutions to make, so many next way to take. Nobody said it's gonna be easier. Indeed, making a place for yourself in this world is a hard thing to do. Because this world is already a place not just for you.

Season changing. It's not a full season, yet.
And the taste of half a season is just bittersweet.

=====
ps :
The phrase "a taste of half a season" is inspired by some lines of dialogue on Japanese manga Strobe Edge. When I read the similar phrase used by its main characters, I suddenly felt the urge to write something about it.

: air mata.

percaya pada tetesannya,
yang membebaskan belitan benang pada hati.

pada hari yang bermatahari,
hati menghangat memberi tanda.
pada hari yang berair,
hati menyejuk memberi tanya.

percaya pada bawaannya,
racun-racun tak berwarna dan tak berasa.

yang pernah menguras sepetik keyakinan,
yang pernah mengguncang segumpal cita.
yang pernah membuat jatuh sakit,
yang pernah membuat berhenti terbangun.

percaya dengan mengalirkannya,
hati akan penuh oleh keutuhan.
dan lalu langkah tak kan pernah salah.

: rindu.

rindu tertahan mimpi,
pada sayup hujan sebelum ia deras.
pada sepoi angin sebelum ia badai.

rindu tertahan waktu,
pada sekrup-sekrup pemutar jarum.
pada lebihnya sepasir pada jam kaca.

rindu tertahan hati,
pada matahari yang berpulang pada pagi.
pada gunung yang terlelap pada mimpi.

[journal] change!

First thing first : this is not about a world-scale change. It's just about a personal-scale change, a transition between phases in life.

.

Back on my thesis days, a friend asked me whether I read the manga 'Cromartie High School' or not. Well, at that time, I answered "no, I haven't", and then she went telling me about the story in general, which in the end dragged out my curiosity. So I read the manga. Not all of it, but only several chapters, no more than ten as I remembered, from hundreds of it. I gave up.

However there was one chapter that's strongly stuck in my head ever since I read it. It's the third chapter to be precise, with a title : "Time to Debut". Oh, I must give a warning beforehand, it's a manga about the world of delinquents, unfortunately not presented in cute ways as those in shoujo and josei mangas. In short, it's a story about an average boy who enrolled in Cromartie High School, which happened to be a school filled with delinquents. After some times, he still finds himself unable to adapt to his new environment. And then he thought of the only option available if he wants to fit in there :

"In the world of delinquents, there is a revolutionary program, which I learned of just the other day. It's known as the 'high school debut system'. Following this set of guidelines, even individuals who were of a normal social standing in junior high school can start off on a new foot as a delinquent." 

(taken from the manga Croamartie High School, chapter 3, page 18). 

Intermezzo : Man! There's actually a guidelines to be a delinquents --"

Okay, so here's the summary of the guidelines, roughly copied from the same chapter of the manga :

Lesson One - Do some changes for the look : bleach your hair, shaving and furrowing your eyebrows.
Lesson Two - Remember, even though with those changes on look you might be feeling tougher, you are still a wanna be punk. Don't be deceived with our own looks.
Lesson Three - Do some changes for the way you wear your uniform : leave your collar opened, not wearing a button-down shirt under the jacket, but wear a printed shirt or t-shirt which show your individuality instead.
Lesson Four - Do not store textbooks in your backpack and make sure it always empty and flat. So what's the point of carrying the bag? No. This one is just too cruel I can not reveal it here. It was punches related.Lesson Five - Severing connections with your former delinquents friends because associating with them will only expose you. Well, it's just a polite way to say 'cut ties with your old friends', I think. Oh, one more, it also said that you should toss away all of your old photos, especially in which you were smiling. Now what?Lesson Six - Try walking with swag as lazily as you can. Give a menacing glare if you're to be stared at. Walk with tough-looking friends. 

And finally, the last lesson : 

"If you've made it this far, only one step remains before your high school debut. Now for the final lesson... be sure you have completed the previous lessons before starting at your new school."

"The Way to A Successful High School Debut" (I suppose it's the title of the guideline) - The End.

.

Maybe for most cases in real life, that's how it goes. First impression is everything. Second impression is like "what's with you? It's so not you!" A room from changes were all closed. Who know there'll be some improvements among those changes?

There was a period in my life when I really really really wished to go to one place where nobody knows me. I once really really want to start anew with myself. It's not that I hate myself at that moment, nor I didn't feel like I'm my true self. It's just I was at the peak of being tired with that parts of me which (unfortunately) people around me were used to. At that time, I felt like that no matter how hard I try to change, nobody would notice. Nobody would voluntarily accept "ah, she's changing". 

But fate told another story. I moved nowhere from a place where people (think) they knew me. I reached that peak of irritating phase of "oh, pleaseee won't you let me change, for the better, I promise".

Why it's so hard to transform to the better version of you in such familiar place?

Maybe because at that time I wanted to change mere for a change of an image. Not for the change itself. If to transform means anything for me, and I'm confident enough of my transformation, why should it bother me if people don't see it? So my decisions on a transformation was also based on fear how the people around me will perceived the (I think) new me?

I know it doesn't work that way. When I realized I somewhat fear that people will not notice the change I strive to make, I knew I did not really change. I stayed. It's other people who actually change.

In the end, changes are inevitable. Whether those were to be noticed, or not, is another different thing.

[journal] happiness project #30 : a review.

I started 2013 by setting a pilot happiness project. With one goal : to move on from this long-time-getting-me-to-nowhere-kind-of-unrequited-love. Sounds cheesy as it actually was. However, that one cheesy goal happened to generate itself into some sub-not-so-cheesy-goals which I'd love to appreciate myself to finally be able to unravel my so-much-cluttered life. Pardon my self-centered-reflections.

Now, I want to start 2014 with some looking back to the project. What happened to the big cheesy goal? What also happened to the small not-so-cheesy sub-goals?

I moved on. Not as planned, which was supposed to be like this : I flew across the South China Sea, landing in front of him, tell him "I loved you, this' confession is more my ego. Thank you and see you", and flew back home and live a happy single life. No. It doesn't work that way.

I moved on, by consciously leading a mindful days. Slowly, one thing at a time. It never crossed my thought that being mindful to your own sadness, fear, and cuffs could help that much in letting go what's even never be yours at the first place. And later I found it's just as important to accept the whole of yourself, including that scary part of you which had let you to be in control of such delusional mind, as accepting that something is not and never to be yours.

While for the sub-goals, I admit 2013 was just a start of every changes I want to be. A good start if I may say. So I'd like to keep those sub-goals this year as well. Those were more of new habits I'd love to maintain throughout my life ahead, with some improvements every now and later when needed. Some evaluation is necessary though, especially on the self principles part.

Last year, it went this ways. This year, I think some revisions wouldn't hurt. So here I go :

1. Be Astri. Be a girl, a lady, you envision yourself to be, how you would like your daughter to see in you.
2. Be true. Whether it's planned or spontaneous. Be it philosophical or practical.
3. Never get easily offended and intimidated. Listen, and filter. Every information are neutral.
4. Eat and speak slowly. Eat as little. Speak as few.
5. Write down your thoughts for any findings, not shouting them out just in any random way.
6. Do all things needed in a portion that's just enough.
7. Be organized more. With some amount of cluttered space.
8. Be kind and well mannered to your surroundings.
9. Remember, setting up or maintaining a distance is not forbidden.
10. Never ever quit writing, whatever happens, whatever it takes :) 

I compressed them from 12 into 10. I try to make them more simple than before, firm yet flexible. Some were eliminated from list. Some others were combined. But the last one stayed :)


One thing for sure I'd love to say at the end of 2014 is "this year things are great!"

.
ps : I managed to not saying "peace!" all this year. yay!

[journal] beautiful.

Once, I found this image on instagram. More or less it's a list of other ways to call your daughter a princess. Some from the list actually reminds me of some ways my parents once called me. I am no warrior, but my mom definitely sees me as a brave kid. My dad, in any subtle way, sounds like encouraging me to be a leader, not just a yes girl. And yes, he said that me as a little child had a very strong curiosity. Well, I do remember I asked a lot of questions while I was little. And of course, both my mom and dad, recognize me as a rather strong and smart daughter.

No. I never called a princess. Nor ever they said I'm beautiful. So I grew up far from the idea that being beautiful is one of the top priorities. Until I met the reality : school. However I did survive.

So it's kind of surprising when being more beautiful was to come to my list for this year. What kind of beautiful that I actually referring to?

Just recently I found the answer. It's a kind of beautiful I wished my daughter would rather see, later in time if I ever to have one : wild flowers.

Strong, alive, and could only be capture by people with certain eyes.

.
ps : Joe Hisaishi's songs are indeed among the stimulation to my very random thoughts, and I definitely read too much of shoujo mangas.

belokan.

matahari tenggelam di barat,
namun indahnya justru berjejak di timur,
kadang berpelangi, jika beruntung hujan ada di dekatnya.

cahaya sore,
jatuh dramatis pada belokan, persimpangan tanpa papan nama jalan atau penunjuk arah,
memakukan diri di tengah kecepatan, menghentikan diri sesaat sebelum keputusan.

karena keputusan yang sebelum senja adalah terlalu cepat,
ia perlu mendewasa hingga waktu menunjukkan embun dini hari,
tetes terakhir hasil kesabaran malam memenuhkannya.

[catatan] rezeki.

rezeki  n 1 segala sesuatu yang dipakai untuk memelihara kehidupan (yang diberikan oleh Tuhan); makanan (sehari-hari); nafkah; 2 (ki) penghidupan; pendapatan (uang dsb untuk memelihara kehidupan); keuntungan; kesempatan mendapat makan;
(sumber dari sini)

Segala sesuatu yang dipakai untuk memelihara kehidupan (yang diberikan oleh Tuhan).

Materi, kesehatan, ilmu, keluarga, jodoh, anak. Semua adalah yang biasa saya dengar terlingkup di dalam satu kata rezeki. 

.

Apakah kesabaran yang tidak ada batasnya juga bisa dikatakan suatu bentuk rezeki?

patah hati.

tuhan.

sang maha pemilik hati. 

sang maha pembolak-balik hati. 

sang maha penjaga hati.

sang maha penetap hati.

sang maha pematah hati.

tuhan.

sang maha penyembuh hati.

sang maha tempat kembalinya hati.

ke(sepi)an.

.bioskop, 1995-2014.

kesepian pada baris paling depan adalah keputusan untuk terpaku pada layar, bukan pada mereka yang menemani di kiri dan kanan.

kesepian pada baris tengah adalah pilihan untuk menikmati cerita, atau tenggelam dalam cerita.

kesepian pada baris paling belakang adalah menjadi seutuhnya penonton, akan cerita yang tersaji pada layar, juga tersaji di dalam kepala-kepala yang samar-samar di dalam gelap.

kesepian di pintu keluar adalah ketika menyadari tidak ada teman tersenyum melihat langit di luar yang lebih biru daripada biasanya.


.di loket tiket :

berapa tiket? satu.


kesendirian adalah tentang pilihan. kesepian adalah tentang perasaan, bukan kesendirian.

[catatan] lima langkah ke belakang.

Kenapa saya suka sekali menyebutkan tahun 2014 ini sebagai "a fresh start"?

Tarik nafas panjang.

Semua berawal dari lima tahun yang lalu. Tahun 2008. Tahun di mana saya berhenti membuat resolusi. Tahun di mana saya menyadari bahwa sebenarnya saya tidak memahami dengan sebenar-benarnya yang dimaksud dengan resolusi ini. Sebagai gantinya saya diperkenalkan dengan "vision board", atau biasa orang-orang sebut dengan "dream board". Sebuah papan yang berisi tempelan-tempelan ilustrasi yang menggambarkan apa yang kita bayangkan tentang diri kita dalam jangka waktu tertentu. Pertama kali saya diperkenalkan pada papan ini, tahun 2004, saya diminta membuatnya untuk jangka waktu tiga tahun. Di tahun 2008 lalu, ketika saya berusia 25 tahun, saya membuatnya untuk jangka waktu lima tahun, yaitu hingga tahun 2013 di mana saya memasuki usia kepala tiga :)

Lalu, di ulang tahun saya yang ke-30 di tahun 2013 lalu dan melihat ke belakang, apakah tentang saya saat itu adalah tepat seperti apa yang saya bayangkan atau saya 'impikan' lima tahun lalu? Tentu saja jawabannya : tidak. Lima tahun yang penuh patah hati. Lima tahun yang penuh pelajaran-pelajaran tersembunyi. Lima tahun di mana saya ternyata masih harus banyak belajar tentang diri sendiri, tentang cita-cita, tentang cinta, tentang sebuah hidup. Lima tahun yang masih harus diikuti oleh 'proses-proses' penerimaan di belakangnya sampai menjelang akhir tahun, yang (syukurnya) berakhir dengan baik-baik. 

Berdamai dengan diri sendiri. Mungkin di akhir tahun 2013 menjelang 2014 ini saya baru benar-benar bisa memahami artinya. Melihat kembali ke belakang, ke papan mimpi yang pernah dibuat. Menerima yang mewujud, menerima yang tidak mewujud. Dengan sederhana.

Mungkin karena apa-apa yang saya lewati di lima tahun ke belakang itulah, saya menyebutkan tahun 2014 sebagai sebuah awal yang lain dalam kehidupan saya. 

Sebuah awal yang baik, semoga. 

.

Setiap keinginan yang diwujudkanNya adalah pelajaran tentang bersyukur dan rendah hati. 

Setiap keinginan yang (mungkin sedang) ditahanNya adalah pelajaran tentang kesabaran dan kepekaan. 

Setiap keinginan yang tidak diwujudkanNya adalah pelajaran tentang berbesar hati dan berlembut hati.

Setiap keinginan yang bergerak adalah pelajaran tentang mengingatNya.

Dan sebaik-baiknya rencana adalah yang dititipkan kepadaNya, 
dengan menyebut namaNya yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang.