september 2016.

there are times in life, where all you need is a fit-all kind of hug, a Baymax-Hiro or a Calvin-Hobbes type of hug. there are other times, where all you need is a "don't go, please" kind of request. there are other times, where all you need is none other than letting all of those go, that they just happened to be things not belong to you.

i had a dream, of visiting M and M, of exploring I, of having a slow vacation at K and O, of finally going an E trip, all with the two hands full of other hearts than mine, of baggage not only a single back-not-so-pack. i had a dream of having pieces of paper full of checklist, making sure that nothing would go wrong, while he's busy taking care (read : playing with) him and her. i had a dream that one day, i don't have to live another solitary days.

however i now have an only dream, to become one who'd be well deserved of having such dreams. that dreams never come with only "do come true" but also with "undying responsibility" and "unstoppable after effects".

life is indeed a series of how you make peace with your faith. not with how people perceive it, not with how people expect you to perceive it. not with how you assume it expects you to perceive it.



God loves you. and supposedly, in any way, a vice versa. do you?

solitary.

dear Azalea,

be strong. stand for yourself. be nice. restrain yourself from talking too much. be brave. listen and read the world wholeheartedly. you are the one who'd be held responsible for the life you build.

and if you have to choose one or two comrades, i pray that your heart would lead you to those who are equal match for you. in good and bad.

because Azalea, i believe you are granted with things no less and no more than that of how much you had fight for.


love and pat,

i.

summer fling.

...
...
...

it’s that time of the year : a summer fling. 
a perfect time when your mind is just illogically getting shaken and your heart suddenly can’t lie. or that time of your life when you realized your heart already was stolen once, but then you secretly hope for the second. you know it’s just not possible.

weird. 
that things happened in parallel all over this universe. that you had your mind busy with destinations, yet your heart is just getting lost somewhere in the wilderness due to signals misinterpretation. speaking of which is why this falling in love to be out of senses. 

it’s (just) a summer fling, i tell you. but it doesn’t mean it could not have an everlasting warm shades as autumn.

===

an excerpt from : http://sketchingstar.tumblr.com/post/120347643987/summer-fling 

"Your feelings are your responsibility, not mine."

i made it very clear. if you don't understand what it means to be misunderstood, i doubt you would clearly get it :)

BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia : A Review (Part I - A Wrap Up)

Wow, I am surprised to see that my last post about BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia reached over than 5000 hits. It also got several repost on twitter :") Of course there're also other reviews circulating on social media, and I'm also amazed on how there're so many other flaws those being identified later. But I'm not gonna add them here and I'm not gonna make any second time filtering. I do hope the promoters got their lessons learnt.

Or not.

It's almost 3 x 24 hour post events and no official clarifications nor apology delivered. You can't say an apology on twitter (and a private one to that) official right. And still, no explanations. We deserve them. Reading how they responded to our complaints made me end up feeling sick (literally I had a fever) and crazily mad (please, I want to stay civilized). So I was so happy when I scrolled my twitter timeline and found this :

Clarification and Official Apology For The Mistreatment in Big Bang MADE Concert in Jakarta

It was indeed a mistreatment!

Please, people, don't misunderstood. Don't see this as we exaggeratedly defending our favorite artists, or egocentrically spoiling our demands. This is not about that. This is about consumer rights the promoter had violated. By paying an amount of price, normally we hope to get 'goods' appropriate with the price tag. In this case, we didn't get that. The differences in qualities promised and what we got in reality was just too huge. That's the case. And for us who worked really hard to pay the number and wait really long for 'goods' (in this case it's the show), this is a serious matter.

If you happened to be a VIP, especially who attended MADE Tour in Indonesia, I hope you would like to sign the petition and spread it :)

Done my sign.

I hope from now on, I can move on from my disappointment and rage towards the event's organizer. And I sincerely hope, these kind of things wouldn't happen to any VIPs out there :)


Now let's get readyyy for MADE Series E!!! Yay!



#MADETOURINA #personal #theworldofafangirlsheart

BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia : A Review (Part I)

So, yesterday I finally crossed one of my top wishlist : watching a BIGBANG full concert, BIGBANG 2015 World Tour [MADE] in Jakarta, held on August 1st, 2015 at Indonesia Convention Exhibition (ICE) BSD City by promoter Melania Citra Prima (MCP) and AMI Live Entertainment. I need to convey all my feelings concerning the show and I'd like to write them down on two parts : Part I would be talking about how the event was held and Part II would be talking about the show itself and the boys too ;) I need to seperate the two parts as the mood were way too different for both.

Let's start from the the first part then.

Disclaimer : this part would be mostly felt bitter. Please proceed at your own risk, otherwise you might want to skip this. I'd try my best to write as polite as I could, yet I won't hold myself from being blunt and to the point. To be honest, I'm not even in a mood to write in a descriptive way, yet I want to get this uneasy feeling to come out once for all. So I'm gonna make it all straight. All the articles of official announcements regarding the event by promoter could be viewed here, and I'd used them as reference to write all pointers on this first part.

First thing first, I'm thankful for the promoter, of which I believe worked their hardest to bring my most favorite superstars here. However, from the very bottom of my heart I really really really do wish they would not ever even think to organize any other event, international events (including concerts), especially, unless they learnt their lesson. So UNPROFESSIONAL.

Let me sort it out (note : these points were gathered from personal observation or fan accounts through twitter on replies to MCP) :

The "promises" that didn't happen : 

• A limited VIP Package >> what's so limited of an overly crowded section? if it's really true that they sold 1.200 of VIP Package (and later somebody said it was actually 2.300 people on the PINK section), i think we have different interpretation of the word "limited" and "VIP".
• Sound check and fast track available only for VIP Package >> how about additional given through lucky draw for late sale?
• That the VIP Package would enter the venue before sound check, no need to queue again and re-enter the venue >> is a big NO. we had to queue twice, for the sound check and for the actual concert. with such number of VIP ticket holder, it was sure a chaos organizing audience to go into the venue, then go out, re-queue, and re-enter again. 
• There would be limited lockers >> no locker at all.
• There would be a gift corner >> none at all! this is the worst.
• Prohibition to bring any kind of camera and other gadgets such as tabs and tongsis. also small chairs >> spotted some tongsis, some people said there were even DSLR camera passed the security checked, and there was definitely some people brought small chairs into the section.
• Prohibition to bring foods and drink the the venue >>  food and drink brought from outside were confiscated, yet they provided a hall with food/drink with no proper number of trash bags. bottles and boxes everywhere. so messy >.<
• The concert should be started at 6.30 pm >> it was not started on time. the boys had to cut one song from encore :((

Missed common preparation : 

• The venue was actually very good! However it was very unfortunate that the promoter looked like did not do a check and recheck, might as well did not do a proper preparatiosn, for following matters : space layout (that's one big venue, for God sake), almost all the toilets did not function well (no water on jet washer--oh please, no water even on washtafel washbowl (edited. i'm sorry for the typo, but i don't wish to delete this post. sorry for the inconvenience, i was just too emotional to check before.)...these are so basic!), and some people even said it was hard finding rooms for prayer. 
• NO PUBLICATION BANNER & SIGN SYSTEM. This is crucial. No banner or any sign to show there will be BIGBANG performing at the day. No signage showing literally where people needs to go, whether where the queue lines for each categories, where the merchandise stall, where the food trucks, which way to go in, and etc. These are also very basic. How come?
• NO COORDINATION AMONG CREWS. Yes, everything those happened yesterday convinced this. Just when audiences asked something to nearest crew, all the answer was :"Wah, i don't know." Really?? Weren't you there suppose to help the event to go smoothly??
• A very messy queue system. Just as I predicted before, and even worse. Really. It was so chaotic, the YG staff even had to help managing the ins and outs of VIP's ticket holder on sound checks and the actual concert time. Some people on twitter even said they looked so upset with the local security.

To complete the list, these are information I just known after the show :

• Apparently some security guards allowed around 50s people to enter the venue without tickets. Like, SERIOUSLY? This could mean no security, no?
• Some merchandise were sold with higher price than how much it's suppose to be.
• There were logos of another entertainment agency on the merchandise plastic wrapping. You gotta be kidding me!
• The send off event was a total mess. Some of the lucky draw winner got to leave the concert venue early, missing the encore, to wait outside while it was raining and no shelter just to find later that the boys has just left the venue without the send-off. That's so cruel, in my opinion. 
• I know the stage (including lightings) and the sound system were not part of MCP responsibility but rather AMI Live's. However, as the local promoter who suppose to know the venue better, I think MCP could also coordinate the technical issues better. Now I know I am not the only one who very disappointed with the sound. The boys were still singing well, though, but somehow I feel they felt inconvenient with the sound. I hope that's only my proven-wrong thought. 

Okay, that's from me. If you want to see how bad we, Indonesian VIPs, were very disappointed by promoter works, just go to their twitter and read all those furious replies. Those tell everything.  

Hufft . . .

Do they even aware that they held a world tour concert event with over than 5000 audience?

Do they even realize it was BIGBANG they were bringing?

Do they even know it was VIPs they're dealing with?



Okay. Let's end the Part I here. I don't even want to remember how messy things were anymore. I even had a hard time admitting that the price I paid was very much not worth it. Honestly speaking it ruined my mood very much. I hope the promoter and the crew learnt their lesson. And I do think they owe the audience a press conference clarifying everymessythings those happened and of course, an apology, towards VIPs and all the audience, and to the boys. Their concert deserves much much muchhhhh better handling.

It was only and ONLY the BIGBANG themselves who save the night. But that's on PART II, guys :)


#MADETOURINA #personal #theworldofafangirlsheart
I'm very sorry for the bad words, but I really need to let these out. Will do some second time filtering later. As for now, this first draft needed to be published the way it is.


ps : when i saw some of the fancams later the day after, it broke my heart to see Daesung's worried expression watching the audience were pushing each other and Ri's being surprised of the sudden fireworks at sound check. but what i hate the most was some disrespectful words someone said about Ri with mentioning his name on her IG's group photo with Ri himself. how come they let them :'(

yes, it was.

it was a plain phase of seasons changing,
not your typical : nice, no longer too cold yet too warm.

it was a boring melody of lullabies,
a company for through zillion nights of hopelessness.

it was a shaken faith of spiritual encounters,
a harshly quiet battle between trust and distrusts.

it was a series of nights of thousands untold tales,
a beginning, a conflict, and an ending. a closure of all.

it was never an open ending of yesterday,
so that better never, in fact, the right word to start the day.

it was how things slowly vanished, and reborn.

he is not into you. just be kind to yourself : accept that.

- April 2015 -

32!

dear universe,
i planned, i choose, i decided
yet things never went right in line with yours.

so here's the deal :
starting from now, why don't you take over
please do the planning, listing the choices and make the decision.
for me.

just as you wish.
because, you know, people said that your wish is my command.


.
you don't seriously think i'd say that, or do you?

i really hope they don't use a happiness index as an only excuse to forget the real thing. 

- among those few residents who rather long for good systems

than just beautification of elements those only lasts as far as the eyes can see,

because, you know order is a beautiful thing.

and i don't buy decent make up and dressing over a systematic-know-your-priorities approach -

currently needed :

01/ "how to improve your sense of humor in line with being more easy going and playful and less serious" for dummies.

02/ "how to use the most of feelings and the least of thinking on daily basis" for the beginner.


(not quiet) desperately.

[a view] you're my superstar (part 1, a feeling)

Taeyang World Tour - RISE in Jakarta, 14 February 2015 (personal doc).

Truth is, I'm still on my hangover period, so I'd make it short this time. I still can't believe myself for (finally) being able to come to his SOLO concert. I thought, GD solo and Bigbang 'mini concert' at F1 Opening Night in Singapore would all that. But when Taeyang put Jakarta on his list for his world tour, how could I not going?

It was such an awesome performance. A flawless acts by the superstar. Details would be posted later after I'm sober enough. The feels, however, was much different from those GD and Bigbang performances I had watched before. I love either of those, anyway. What's there not to love about the boys?

It's because this one superstar is my bias, there's a very subjective personal overflowing feelings while I was watching the whole show. How come that boy on stage in front of me, who sing and dance, and smile and communicate (sometimes using some Indonesian general phrases), is a real thing as well as being the same one who took my fangirl-heart away four years ago?

While at the same time I was actually had loads of various things in my chest, I took the chance to just shout them all out. Of course in a sound of his name. A pretty much sweet escape, isn't he? Except for being sweeter than an escape, he is. As worn out as I might be, I was wholeheartedly satisfied. And were I happy? Well, as far as I could remember, he gave me no reason not to feel happy afterwards.

Speaking back about the hangover, you see, when it was GD and Bigbang, I had the hangover right after the show finished until the next morning. But, when it comes to Dong Young Bae, the night after the show, I was surprisingly too tired for a hangover. But when I woke up at the next morning, which means this morning, I knew the hangover was just about to start and it was gonna be the hardest from all. So, the detailed notes would take the times it needed. Meanwhile : Bigbang (mini) concert checked, GD solo concert checked, YB solo concert checked.

Herewith I say that my life as a fangirl is completed ;)

"one shouldn't trying hard to get used to broken hearts. each breaking has its own distinct pain one should experience just as much as the heart could take. scars does not relate to purity."

i thought a broken heart is just some sort of typical sickness you had a certain remedy you could always take whenever it appears. but turns out it wasn't such of sort. when a heart broke, and then by any means it was healed, it was never the same exact one anymore. so when next time it got broken again, well, you'd most likely need any other means to heal it. and by any other means, it was anything but time.

i hope a fairly decent start is not too much to ask as something worth all those broken hearts.

a script on another might be about falling in love.

2015.

there's gonna be a lot notes about falling in love.

maybe it's still not the time.
maybe the time has already passed, who knew?
maybe it's about the wrong person,
maybe, or maybe, it's about the wrong time.

maybe, it's just the wrong side of heart,
a wrong side of soul.

maybe there's time difference in how our heart flips.
maybe there's a split screen on how our feelings being unmutual.
maybe there's an undo button right before the love fell from sky.

maybe the story starts in an imaginary parallel universe, if there's one.

.
it might, however, also be the exact time.
the destined one on the destined time.
with the right side of heart and soul.

it might, as well, that time difference was just about a perspective.
the split screen didn't even valid as reasons, as they were not virtual.
and an undo button, was just, as much, not needed.

because love falls against all prerequisites,
and those include another opened heart to catch.

when one door is closed,

don't forget

there're couples of windows to break through.

it's much different, though, whether you want to break out or to break in.

[notes] november.

november,
it's sure a hard work cleaning all these mess left by october,
the one i never thought would be among my worst months.

november,
all i ever need was a clear blue sky,
as clear as honesty.
and a red sunsets over the bridge,
as bright as being bold.

november,
again i learnt it the hard way :
for good needs a real good plan,
and much to countless disappointment.


ps : never get too used to disappointment, deal with it each and every time, differently, progressively, like a real lady. disappointments are not to be ignored. let it have the way to make you grow.

[notes] .

"Why do you break my wings and make me crawl?
Why do you belittle and shun me?
Is it okay to throw stones if you're without sin?
Isn't stoning a sin?

Oh God.
He doesn't love me.
I know He doesn't love me.

Well, neither do I.
Neither do I."

- Amor Fati (Epik High, ft. KIM JONG WAN of NELL) -

listening this song, repeatedly, at one point i found my eyes were blurry by tears and my heart were full of aches.

[short notes] solid.

"... Membangun sebuah hubungan itu butuh dua orang yang solid. Yang sama-sama kuat. Bukan yang saling ngisi kelemahan, Yu."

...

"Karena untuk menjadi kuat, adalah tanggung jawab masing-masing orang. Bukan tanggung jawab orang lain."

- Saka / Cakra Garnida ("Sabtu Bersama Bapak", Adhitya Mulya) -

i don't know why, this reminds me a lot of this video i found some years ago :')

happiness is happiness, you should not be too worry that it'd become unreal just because it wasn't shared. because happiness is never just an idea.

that's what i personally feel.

stay with me,

"For worse or for better
Just stay with me forever

You have the same sad face as me

Won’t you stay with me, come to me
Your lips don’t agree but your eyes tell me you want me
Won’t you stay with me, come to me"

(Credits : BBU)

.

because i don't want to plan this alone.