7 | perjalanan.

(Candi Ratu Boko, Juni 2010)

perjalanan memintamu (selalu) untuk jatuh hati.
keindahan menjadi sesuatu yang tak berlabelkan harga :

waktu yang membumi,
dan ruang yang mengudara.

perjalanan mengingatkanmu (juga) untuk tak lupa berpatah hati.
denyut jantung perlahan mengiris rekaman berwarna hijau yang baru sampai ke hati :

rasa yang berlabuh (sesaat) di ujung sinar mata,
dan aroma jarak sepelemparan senyuman.

lalu akhirnya, 
pada pulang tak ada seperjalanan untuk selamanya

8 | two minds.

are not to think alike,
whether both are great ones, poor ones,
or a combination.

if you're about to found a couple,
maybe you're just having hallucination.

you don't believe in exact replication of a labyrinth set, do you?

9 | on the way home.

I've been in love with John Mayer's music since 2004, once I found "Clarity" on my friend's playlist. At first, of course, it's all about the melody, the beat, the voice, ... the atmosphere. And later it's all about the lyrics. I just can't resist his kind of poetic, yet honestly metaphoric words. His phrases never failed to give me pinches in the heart, and twists in the mind.

However, lately, I must admit I kinda fall out of his music. I really wanna say that his transformation towards country-ish music was awesome, yet I don't really get that genre of music. But then, be it any kind of genre he's exploring, his lyrical touch remains as strong.

Maybe, like this one.

"The summer's over. This town is closing.
They're waving people out of the ocean.
We have the feeling like we were floating.
We never noticed where time was going.

Do you remember when we first got here?
The days were longer the nights were hot here.
Now, it's September the engine's starting.
You're empty-handed and heavy-hearted.

But just remember on the way home, (oh oh oh)
That you were never meant to feel alone.
It takes a little while, but you'd be fine
Another good time coming down the line.

You'll go back to love that's waiting.
I'll unpack in a rented room.
How's that life you swear you're hating?
Grass is greener that makes two.

But just remember on the way home, (oh oh oh)
That you were never meant to feel alone.
Just look me up get back on the bus.
I'll see you next week if you need my trust.

Life ain't short, but it sure is small.
You get forever but nobody at all.
Life ain't short, but it sure is small.
You get forever but nobody at all.

It don't come often, and it don't stay long.

But just remember on the way home,
You don't ever have to feel alone.
Just stay on the run; get off the grid.
Hide yourself out like you know that I did,
And if you might find that you're running is done,
A little bit of Heaven never hurt no one."

Music is indeed a universal language.
And a locker of unspoken truths those're needless to be said yet craving for silent stage.
Well, (at least) that's his music to me.

*) Lyrics credit here


10 | currency converter.

"people speaks of love holding different values of their life. there's no definite currency, nor a real fair trade when it's something related to feelings. the converter is presumptions with highly subjectivity. the only thing to trust is self honesty, and the courage to admit."


11 | jealousy, an inconsistency on pretending.

jealousy is like,
a pinch in a heart
a cancelled rain, leaving an early humidity.

it's like,
negating the 'no it's not you'
confirming the 'i actually into you'.

it's nowhere near love,
nothing like a future.

it's a time capsule for a later regret,
which is opened just in time.


12 | masterplanner.

the title is so tempting. masterplanner. the term alone has a sparkling aura of a double combo : master and planner. it spreads the image of lying leisurely in the park, with a cold coffee and a stack of coffeetable references, with rolls of tracing papers and markers in various colors.

it feels like you'll have forever with you.

truth is somehow a pinch in the air :
"hey you, i want the masterplan of those hectares tomorrow. and by tomorrow, i mean tomorrow morning. no need to take a forever, it's just a plan."

*well, it's not exactly a 'tomorrow', i just exaggerated it a bit. a tiny bit.

and now, let's assume it's already, say, a year later :
"hey you, why did you planned it like that back than. so awful! and this element, and this, why didn't you take it into consideration? what's with the hurry? you should take more time with you..."

"well, it's just a plan, you know... it needn't a forever."

" . . . "


as for me, i took planning (way) too serious. be it planning in professional context. or as simple as planning a vacation. or a future. so, 'it's just a planning' won't really do for me. well, yeah, unless the other party wouldn't mind sharing the responsibility for any unpleasant after effect of what they said 'poor planning'. and again, what does a thing take to be said as poorly planned?


but, be a good masterplanner anyway.
you may not experience the after effect, but the people after you will.
think about their happiness. imagine a little. masterplanning is not mere technical.

and again,
you may not experience the after effect of your carelessly planned life,
but the future version of you will. and you just don't have any idea who else will.

it's just a plan. but what's planned is never a just.


13 | Jason Mraz - The World As I See It

dear mr. Mraz, now I remember why is it so easy to fall for your songs.

"You are the mountain, you are the rock
You are the court and you're the spark
You are the eagle, you are the lark
You are the world and you're remarkable
You're the ocean beating the shore
You are the calm inside the storm
You're every emotion, you can endure
You are the world, the world is yours.
(It's not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No it's not a difficult thing.
It's not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you

and you,
now I remember why it was that easy to fall for you.


14 | bittersweet sense of sunset.

Picture was personal property, taken from one spot on Northern Coast of DIli, Timor Leste

it's like when all you want is one peaceful session of sunset watching,

yet there's no path towards,
yet the sun hides itself beyond clouds.

next time, maybe, on some other edge.


15 | 1997.

It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me

To go through all the things that I want to be
I don't believe in everything I see
You know I'm blind so why d'you disagree?

OASIS - All Around the World, Album Be Here Now, 1997


It's hard to pack the life of my 1997 in a box. The changing heart of a 14 years old girl, as well the fast-flowing time to mark an era. Influential things came all the way along the life, yet there're always some times when they're coming in a too vast of lines and speed.

1997 is one of those time. That's when my head didn't reach the level of imagination. That's when dramas occupied all spaces inside. That's the first time to realize things don't go as you thought they should be. Things go as they pleased.

And on that time, to understand was yet an option.


16 | pada biru.

Gambar adalah dokumentasi pribadi yang diambil dari pesawat dalam penerbangan Dili-Jakarta, 
di atas kecantikan sisi Timur Indonesia bagian Selatan, 15 April 2014

karena segala sesuatunya tak pernah menapak,
padahal demikian mereka pada awalnya

karena segala sesuatunya adalah tak pasti,
padahal demikian mereka telah ditetapkan.

menenangkan hati mungkin bukan dengan memintanya begitu,
tapi dengan terus memintanya mengawang, tak kenal ketinggian,
hingga ia terbiasa dengan debar-debar aneh

dan lalu rasa tenang saat menjejak satu ketinggian yang dinamakan rumah.


17 | april.

i read this post by Winda, and i thought : 

april is, yes, the loneliest month in a year.
despite the start of the spring.
despite the abundance of love that brought me into this world.

being by myself never the seed of loneliness.
it was, and always be, because of april.


18 | an hour to go.

you know things i wish,
you know drafts of my plans,
you know where i set my destination.

you decide, whether to give ways or not,
or maybe another detour to go.

i am (almost) past 30, anyway.


19 | dusty spring playlist.

a playlist for a heart that wants to start it all over again :

1. Sonata no.16 - Shubert

2. One - Depapepe

3. Love Mode - Clazziquai Project feat. Tablo

4. Don't Go Home - GD&TOP

5. Bolero - TVXQ

6. Say You Love Me - Simply Red

7. Love Dust - Bigbang

*) dusty means something to be cleaned up, as much as we can. nonetheless, some would remain stay in the corner so that some (sun)light could bring (back) life into the once dark room.


20 | white playlist.

a playlist for a broken heart :

1. The Remedy - Jason Mraz

2. Lover, Lover - James Iha

3. Split Screen Sadness - John Mayer

4. Life is Wonderful - Jason Mraz

5. Little by Little - OASIS

6. Love is Noise - The Verve

7. Champagne Supernova - OASIS

*) because a broken heart, on one side, is a heart that was bleeding all its blood out until there's no red left behind, so it would be ready to bleed again. and again. and again.

*) while having a broken heart, sad songs could stimulate the negative emotions to go out, yet not-sad songs however needed to pull the heart out back into life (again).

21 | sekali, ...

...secangkir kopi dan percakapan yang tak ada henti,
pada suatu masa adalah sebuah kemewahan.

22 | usia.

orang bilang, "usia tak pernah bohong",
lalu pernah kamu bertanya pada matahari,
apakah ia mengenal usia.

jika kau tanya ia di kala senja begini,
pasti jawabnya,
"tidak, aku tak mengenalnya. siapa itu?"

lalu, lihatlah tanah.
jika tak ada satu pun lembar daun yang menyentuhnya,
kamu tahu,
dia hanya pura-pura.

karena baginya, senja berarti kesiangan untuk mengenalkannya padamu.

23 | a life : unpacked.

imagine you're packing your life into boxes.

how many stacks it would make?
of what size(s) the boxes would you pick?
how much would you pack in a box? a year? a month? a week? a day? a moment?
how would you like the tags to be? one box one tag? one box a hundred tags?
would you prefer colored boxes? or the white ones? or the black ones? or would you like them transparent?
how long do you think it would take you to pack all your things?
in a blink of an eye, or a forever?

imagine you finished packing. imagine you sent them off.

imagine you were there at your new place while the boxes arrived.

how big of spaces you think you would like to spare for them?
how much of times you think you would like to spend unpacking them?
how would you like to perceive them? as a gift from the past which you could keep or toss, or as a burden you will have to take for the rest of your life?

imagine you're packing your life into boxes,
how would you like to do it so you'd know later which boxes are to toss, which are to stay forever inside the walking closet,

and which are to unpack



24 | happy ending.

Let me tell you thing : I hate that very ending of "How I Met Your Mother" the series. Well, I don't hate the series itself, though. It's just turned out that the series were actually about that-thing-the-daughter-said-at-the-finale. It was the worst twisted ending I could ever imagined for the series.

But you know, maybe a series doesn't always need to have a happy ending. Maybe some of them just need to wrap themselves with some senses. Of which exactly happened with this series. Of which brought me to the thought of : so where on earth that "moving on lesson" thing go?

Oh, maybe here it is :
Sometimes moving on were being exaggerated. Most of times, it was related to accepting something out of our actual desires. It never once crossed in mind, that moving on might be related to accepting something from our past that I-don't-know-how-but-it-somehow-managed-to-find-its-way-to-the-future-and-being-something-for-us-to-moving-on-to. Just maybe.

And let me tell you one other thing : I love the Mother. Enough that I could manage to accept the ending.

It's just I need to restrain myself from moving on to something came from my past disguising as my future. This would be hard.

Just maybe.

25 | "when will...?"

about ten years ago, i joined an optional class on my last year of college. it was something about 'issues and contextual' related, yet the only thing i remember taking home is this :

the lecturer : "hey, you, yes you (pointing on one of my classmates), when will you want to get married?"
the classmate : "uhmm...after i finished my graduate study, sir"
the lecturer : "so, what if you NEVER had your graduate study? will you NOT ever be married?"
the whole class : "ermm..."

yeah, in a pursuit of dreams, time is essential. however, i often forgot that i should not set the time started with such prepositions as 'before' or 'after' or 'during'. because each of dreams are independent. you only answer that "when will...?" using preposition "on".