22.3.18

.5

Saya bukan penulis, jadi menggunakan istilah writer's block rasanya terlalu berlebihan. Namun rasanya memang tidak ada frasa lain yang bisa dengan benar menggambarkan apa yang saya alami selama beberapa tahun belakangan ini. Menulis memang adalah salah satu cara saya mengeluarkan isi kepala dan hati, yang sampai saat ini masih saya percaya menjadi sahabat baik setiap saya merasakan tekanan dalam diri, maka tentunya kondisi writer's block ini membuat saya sering merasa sesak.

Saya lupa kapan tepatnya kondisi ini bermula. Namun saya ingat kira-kira setelah saya pindah ke Jakarta di semester akhir 2013, frekuensi menulis saya menurun hampir sangat drastis. Letupan-letupan bukannya tidak ada. Namun pelan-pelan saya lebih memilih untuk tidak mencatatnya dan malah membiarkannya lebur saja bersama udara, saat itu. Saya pun lalu mulai kehilangan kendali akan setapak-setapak yang saya buat, baik sengaja maupun tidak. Dan lama-lama, saya pun mulai kehilangan diri saya sendiri.

Kalau boleh membuat alasan, sejujurnya saat itu saya merasa roda kehidupan saya berputar cepat sekali, tidak memberikan waktu untuk banyak berpikir. Apalagi menulis. 

2013-2014 bukanlah tahun-tahun yang baik bagi hati saya. 2015-2016 yang saya sangka akan lebih bersahabat, nyatanya sama saja. Namun bedanya, di dua tahun yang terakhir itu saya sudah lebih bersahabat dengan diri yang gelisah, antara ingin tanah untuk berpijak dan langit untuk terbang. Tetap saja, bukan tahun-tahun yang baik untuk membuat keputusan apa pun, tetapi pada akhirnya saya membuat satu keputusan yang membawa saya ke titik yang ini. Titik yang (tetap) penuh abu-abu, tetapi dengan rona yang membuat saya (merasa lebih) bersinar, ini saya yakini sepenuh hati.

Sampai di sini, pertanyaan itu kembali: bisakah saya menulis kembali?

13.2.18

.4

Sometimes we need to keep life in check. Whether we're happy, or unhappy. Whether we're on track or of track. And not because life is a checklist.
.
There are some things I'd been trying to manage: a not-so-deep curiosity. Things those always intriguing me to answer needless questions, to reactive towards unnecessary conflicts, to assume things those are clear as passing cloud. Things those I thought will tie me close to home, yet they made the distance wider.
.
I always wonder, of those who are now being faraway from home, just I do, how do they maintain their presence back home. How do they stay confident that they were not missing any piece of love. And all the while they live a separate phase of life. How can they be okay and not pretending that they are not?
.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss home. I do. So much, but not that so. Going through several months on my own, I finally realized that I am now being separated from all the familiar comforts I used to being close to. And to my surprise, I kind of love this new fact.
.
A fact that includes a condition in which I should expect for more loneliness, the beautiful version of it. A kind of loneliness that is not tearing me into pieces, but helping me to collect the scattered pieces instead. And I'm enjoying the phase slowly, and happily.
.
It might not always be a brand new happy life, but it must be one of those moving forward series. Going towards different direction is one kind of a beautiful open ending. A not-so-freshly-started life, but hey, life is always fresh!
.
While keeping all my respect and admiration and love and longing and secret hope, I'd like to genuinely ask you: will you let go of me?

11.1.18

.3

Berjalan di atas awan, mungkin tak jauh bedanya dengan
berjalan di atas kenyataan.
Penuh tanya, sambil penuh lamunan:
kopi hari ini, apa perlu diminum?

Bahagia selamanya, hanya ada pada dongeng dalam dongeng.
Bahagia yang sejati, sementara saja. Seperti nyamuk yang mendengung
di musim-musim panas,
yang selalu segera berlalu tanpa perlu ditepis.

Kota-kota persinggahan selalu sama,
bangun di saat suhu lima, dan tidur di saat suhu dua lima.
Termometer itu bernama hati,
diikuti sepi, namun juga mimpi.

Dermaga masih berkabut,
dalam jarak yang tak juga berkelebat.
Dari awan ke laut,
pada tinggi yang mana jangkar bisa kusangkut?

11.12.17

.2

penghujung musim jatuh,
adrenalin menderas pada suhu beku.
rasa pun masih aku kira-kira,
antara percaya dan tak percaya pada tiupannya
karena masih ada batas-batas bergeming.

kalau tidak masuk ke gua kelelawar itu
mungkin definisi jatuh cintaku hanya sebatas tebing di pantai-pantai drama
sekali dan habis.
namun ini, serba hati-hati dan pelan-pelan.
dan tidak sendirian.

sekian kali patah hati,
aku tahu: Tuhan selalu menemani.
namun dibiarkannya luka itu
supaya kamu belajar, katanya,
dan supaya kamu mau jatuh lagi.

mungkin nol celcius memburamkan batas antara
kegelisahan, kesendirian, dan keinginan.
memberikan jarak terjauh
bagi jiwa, akal, dan hati dalam saling melangkahi.
namun tidak sampai saling menutupi.

aku ingin bilang, bahwa perasaan adalah titipan semesta.
dan ingin kukembalikan (saja) padanya.
tidak begitu jalannya, katanya.
perasaan adalah keseimbanganmu,
jeda antara percaya dan pencarian dan cita-cita.

jeda yang tak punya tempat kembali,
kecuali pada waktu yang melahirkannya.

.1

mengingat Tuhan itu adalah untuk diri sendiri, bukan untuknya apalagi mereka.
kadang genggaman dunia menjauhkan diri dari mengingatnya (dengan seharusnya),
kadang hingga cukup sampai di mengingatnya (secukupnya).

namun mengingat adalah perkara percaya;
percaya yang mendahului yakin. yakin yang sering dijadikan sembarang tahta.
tahta yang sering dipersepsikan sesukanya, dan dipaksakan atas semua.

orang bilang, diri tidak tenang mungkin karena jarang mengingatnya.
tapi mereka tahu apa tentang mengingat (setulusnya)?
tidakkah mereka menerima, ada hal-hal yang tidak selesai (hanya) dengan mengingatnya?

mengingat Tuhan adalah perjalanan mencarinya.
dan dalam setiap perjalanan yang ia ciptakan; dititipkannya:
jiwa, akal, dan hati. untuk digunakan sebaik-baiknya,
untuk mengingatnya,

bukan mendefinisikannya dengan suka-suka.

23.11.17

when love is about when.

"When was the last time you fall in love?" A stranger asked me a strange question I had to take a couple seconds to ensure I heard it right. And then I took another couple more to think for the answer.

.

I always hate getting any questions I could not answer. That means something is out of my hands. That means there are things I am not capable of taking care of. But back to the question, should falling in love be a thing to question?

.

"I don't remember exactly about the time...maybe it's during my mid-twenties?" I gave him an answer in hesitation, torn between should I give an answer to lead a meaningful conversation, or should I give an answer to stop any talks about this topic. "Well, I don't mean the normal time, I mean the time of your state of emotion, do you remember? Is it when you feel so full, or instead when you feel so dull? Did you fall while being happy, or sad, or excited about life, or lonely?" he elaborated.

"Hmmhh, I remember I was in doubt. I remember I was in fear. But I remember I was so in love."
"Did the love work as you expected?"
"I also remember I wasn't expecting it to actually do something."
"So the love fade?"
"The love was standing there."
"What about the doubt, and the fear?"
"They consumed me."
"So the love didn't save you?"
"I saved myself."

"So you survived. And when do you think you will fall in love again, if it would ever happen though?" he continued. This time I firmly reply, "When the light is not so dimmed that I could clearly spot a just-right love to fall into."

.

"We can have another cups until the sun rise, then."

12.9.17

[journal] detachment.

So, a quick update: my location has changed to an eleven-hour-later-from-Bandung small town on a land of my dream for practically twenty-four years. Hopefully for a four-years status of "back to school", wish me luck?☺

Truthfully there are SO MANY I want and need to write. But let's start small and honest, shall we?

====================

"It still feels like a dream that you're gonna go abroad tomorrow", my mom to me on a night before my departure to my neverland. Her eyes couldn't hide a mixture feeling she might be having inside, maybe similar to a mixture feeling I was also having at that time. And then my dad, "but she's been dreaming of it for a long time ago", assuring my mom (and myself as well) that my journey is not one I decided on a whim. It is actually one I have been dreaming of since my childhood, after coming home from another part of that very neverland.

"So you're gonna stay there for four years? Will you not be coming home, at all, in between? So, then we'll see you when we see you again?" are repetitious questions I got from my closest circles weeks and days prior leaving my hometown. Well, of course I planned and scheduled to meet-up with almost all my good friends in my hometown before departing, despite never being good with farewells, honestly. If there's a lesson I learnt quite well from those Asian drama series, is that of "when you had the chances, say your farewell properly". Other reasons; I will never know how the world out there would take me, I will never know when will I see them again under the same circumstances when we could freely chitchatting with nothing to worry about, I will never know if one day I (or them) might have my (or their) mind or heart changed for another good. So, yeah, I made my best effort to squeeze all those beloved within my tight schedule of packing and wrapping things up before leaving.

And I am now happy I was making time doing so.

During my farewells, I came to realize one thing. I used to see myself as a selfish-solitaire-single girl who loved to think "if I am fine by myself, why ask for company", resulting in consistent might-be-a-little-bit annoying "no, I don't care" attitude towards my surrounding. Well, it's not exactly that I don't care, but rather a "why don't we take care of ourselves better so we won't demand others to take care of us" idea that keeps intriguing me. But, yes, in short, I think (too) highly of myself, thinking that I might be not needing anybody to support me. I am talking about emotional support here.

Guess what, I am all wrong.

To be truth, I think I am actually attached to those I love, without me realizing it. I was quite surprise myself to find that it is indeed hard leaving all those familiarities behind and bring only my instinct of survival to the neverstrangerland, while secretly wishing it would be enough. I didn't show much my emotions while waving my friends (good)byes, but I did cry a lot at nights during packing days. My mind went complicatedly blank as layers of white papers. My heart felt as if it were squeezed into a tiny cup of espresso. I could not understand it well, but...

...yeah, I didn't want to let go any of those dear to me. I want to pack all the familiar scent and scene into my pocket as well, and bring them aboard, so that I could take a good hold of them whenever my heart need it later after landing. That was the period I let my vulnerability came out, where I didn't feel any need to hide my worries. For those who were holding my heart at that time, thank you. And I truly hope you all know who you are :)

So, did I survive my first detachment? It's still to early to decide. But one thing I believe: every journey I am blessed with come with a mission of detachment from any fleeting feelings towards all the non lasting beings.

Cheers to a dream come true, and here's to the life that followed!

20.3.17

tengah malam.

tengah malam waktu hatiku adalah waktunya perpindahan rasa.
merasuknya yang mati-mati pada embun yang akan lahir, lewat jendela tak bertirai.

tengah malam waktu hatimu adalah waktunya membakar rasa.
mengumpulkan api-api sisa musim dingin lalu, membariskannya seperti anak-anak pagi.

sajak ini adalah masa lalumu.
semua cerita yang kuinginkan darimu, yang tak beranjak dari benak.
sajak ini adalah kenanganmu.
semua bayangan tentang aku yang kumainkan dalam hatimu:
pura-pura yang bukan tipu-tipu.

tengah malam waktu angkasa, adalah waktu kita berpisah,
dengan semata-semata harap yang tak tertiup,
dengan kabut pagi yang tak akan turun.

untukmu sajak tengah malam,
wahai penakluk hati yang tak mau berhenti.

15.2.17

di antara cinta-cinta yang semu,
sebuah sejati bersembunyi dalam fana.

di antara pendar-pendar yang pudar,
sebuah nyala meraup kala.

di antara jarak-jarak yang berukur,
sepanjang ingatan tak sibuk menjengkal.

tuhan tidak punya cerita,
maka ia pasangkan nurani dan logika,
agar manusia mau mengambil jalan, 
dan menapak padanya dengan segenap sadar.

pertanyaan yang memudar,
seperti cucian tertumpuk yang tak selesai.
mengonggok merongrong sang waktu,
namun sekali lagi, tak selesai.

31.1.17

#Reply2010 *)

to my 27 of year version.
when i was foolish,
when i was in love,
when i was being ignorance to all heartaches.

to my curiosity on non-burst balloons of mind,
when i was jumpy and energetic,
when i asked all questions but "do you love me?",
when i say yes to all the jokes those never meant to be.

to the 2010.
among my point zeros, one that most memorable,
most heartbreaking, most lovely with decent amount of sweetness.

i miss you.
please answer me. at your convenience. 



*) inspired by Reply 1988.