12.9.17

[journal] detachment.

So, a quick update: my location has changed to an eleven-hour-later-from-Bandung small town on a land of my dream for practically twenty-four years. Hopefully for a four-years status of "back to school", wish me luck?☺

Truthfully there are SO MANY I want and need to write. But let's start small and honest, shall we?

====================

"It still feels like a dream that you're gonna go abroad tomorrow", my mom to me on a night before my departure to my neverland. Her eyes couldn't hide a mixture feeling she might be having inside, maybe similar to a mixture feeling I was also having at that time. And then my dad, "but she's been dreaming of it for a long time ago", assuring my mom (and myself as well) that my journey is not one I decided on a whim. It is actually one I have been dreaming of since my childhood, after coming home from another part of that very neverland.

"So you're gonna stay there for four years? Will you not be coming home, at all, in between? So, then we'll see you when we see you again?" are repetitious questions I got from my closest circles weeks and days prior leaving my hometown. Well, of course I planned and scheduled to meet-up with almost all my good friends in my hometown before departing, despite never being good with farewells, honestly. If there's a lesson I learnt quite well from those Asian drama series, is that of "when you had the chances, say your farewell properly". Other reasons; I will never know how the world out there would take me, I will never know when will I see them again under the same circumstances when we could freely chitchatting with nothing to worry about, I will never know if one day I (or them) might have my (or their) mind or heart changed for another good. So, yeah, I made my best effort to squeeze all those beloved within my tight schedule of packing and wrapping things up before leaving.

And I am now happy I was making time doing so.

During my farewells, I came to realize one thing. I used to see myself as a selfish-solitaire-single girl who loved to think "if I am fine by myself, why ask for company", resulting in consistent might-be-a-little-bit annoying "no, I don't care" attitude towards my surrounding. Well, it's not exactly that I don't care, but rather a "why don't we take care of ourselves better so we won't demand others to take care of us" idea that keeps intriguing me. But, yes, in short, I think (too) highly of myself, thinking that I might be not needing anybody to support me. I am talking about emotional support here.

Guess what, I am all wrong.

To be truth, I think I am actually attached to those I love, without me realizing it. I was quite surprise myself to find that it is indeed hard leaving all those familiarities behind and bring only my instinct of survival to the neverstrangerland, while secretly wishing it would be enough. I didn't show much my emotions while waving my friends (good)byes, but I did cry a lot at nights during packing days. My mind went complicatedly blank as layers of white papers. My heart felt as if it were squeezed into a tiny cup of espresso. I could not understand it well, but...

...yeah, I didn't want to let go any of those dear to me. I want to pack all the familiar scent and scene into my pocket as well, and bring them aboard, so that I could take a good hold of them whenever my heart need it later after landing. That was the period I let my vulnerability came out, where I didn't feel any need to hide my worries. For those who were holding my heart at that time, thank you. And I truly hope you all know who you are :)

So, did I survive my first detachment? It's still to early to decide. But one thing I believe: every journey I am blessed with come with a mission of detachment from any fleeting feelings towards all the non lasting beings.

Cheers to a dream come true, and here's to the life that followed!

20.3.17

tengah malam.

tengah malam waktu hatiku adalah waktunya perpindahan rasa.
merasuknya yang mati-mati pada embun yang akan lahir, lewat jendela tak bertirai.

tengah malam waktu hatimu adalah waktunya membakar rasa.
mengumpulkan api-api sisa musim dingin lalu, membariskannya seperti anak-anak pagi.

sajak ini adalah masa lalumu.
semua cerita yang kuinginkan darimu, yang tak beranjak dari benak.
sajak ini adalah kenanganmu.
semua bayangan tentang aku yang kumainkan dalam hatimu:
pura-pura yang bukan tipu-tipu.

tengah malam waktu angkasa, adalah waktu kita berpisah,
dengan semata-semata harap yang tak tertiup,
dengan kabut pagi yang tak akan turun.

untukmu sajak tengah malam,
wahai penakluk hati yang tak mau berhenti.

15.2.17

di antara cinta-cinta yang semu,
sebuah sejati bersembunyi dalam fana.

di antara pendar-pendar yang pudar,
sebuah nyala meraup kala.

di antara jarak-jarak yang berukur,
sepanjang ingatan tak sibuk menjengkal.

tuhan tidak punya cerita,
maka ia pasangkan nurani dan logika,
agar manusia mau mengambil jalan, 
dan menapak padanya dengan segenap sadar.

pertanyaan yang memudar,
seperti cucian tertumpuk yang tak selesai.
mengonggok merongrong sang waktu,
namun sekali lagi, tak selesai.

31.1.17

#Reply2010 *)

to my 27 of year version.
when i was foolish,
when i was in love,
when i was being ignorance to all heartaches.

to my curiosity on non-burst balloons of mind,
when i was jumpy and energetic,
when i asked all questions but "do you love me?",
when i say yes to all the jokes those never meant to be.

to the 2010.
among my point zeros, one that most memorable,
most heartbreaking, most lovely with decent amount of sweetness.

i miss you.
please answer me. at your convenience. 



*) inspired by Reply 1988.

28.1.17

#thelifeofafangirlheart

whenever i feel tired, this song never go wrong.
bigbang, a big tree to the soul with a bang.
.
.
.
.
.


.
.
.
.
.

#thelifeofafangirlheart

23.1.17

senja beranjak.

penaku tertatih,
jemariku sesak nafas,
lembar putih ini penuh oleh kekosongan.

ingatan saling berebut keluar
lewat jendela hati,
terus sampai ke pinggir kali.

senja pun lelah menanti
cerita-cerita yang tak kunjung hidup,
cerita-cerita yang kandas sebelum bermuara.

hingga semburat merah yang bertahan hingga ia sirna sendiri,

aku lalu habis:
di setiap menjelang matahari berbalik arah
pada lintasan dengan kecepatan seratus kilometer per jam.

aku pun memilih untuk bersabar,
akan kalimat-kalimat dulu yang tak selesai.
kalimat-kalimat tanpa jeda, kalimat-kalimat tanpa tanda,
kalimat-kalimat tanpa pretensi. kalimat-kalimat yang tenggelam.

kalimat-kalimat yang sibuk mencari jalan keluar,
bersabarlah dengan hatiku, ya.

12.11.16

malam.

bermalam-malam aku menunda perasaan.
beralasan ringkihnya hati para pemuja cinta juga kebenaran.
bantal-bantal adalah pencatat kejujuran yang sejati.
rasa takut. keputusan. lalu pertanyaan tanpa henti.

sungguhpun bulan punya waktunya.
ia pencinta segala yang rutin.
segala yang terhitung. dan pada tempatnya.
tetap ia sisakan ruang untuk seteru hangat bunga kegelisahan.

aku suka semua yang sederhana.
seperti kamu yang selalu bertanya,
semua namun kebenaran,
perihal yang pasti namun keyakinan.

bermalam-malam aku menunda perjalanan.
dengan alasan tak ada teman,
padahal ia adalah tujuan.

kepada malam-malam yang tak sempat tersimpan,
akan kupenuhi janjiku dalam genggaman.

14.9.16

september 2016.

there are times in life, where all you need is a fit-all kind of hug, a Baymax-Hiro or a Calvin-Hobbes type of hug. there are other times, where all you need is a "don't go, please" kind of request. there are other times, where all you need is none other than letting all of those go, that they just happened to be things not belong to you.

i had a dream, of visiting M and M, of exploring I, of having a slow vacation at K and O, of finally going an E trip, all with the two hands full of other hearts than mine, of baggage not only a single back-not-so-pack. i had a dream of having pieces of paper full of checklist, making sure that nothing would go wrong, while he's busy taking care (read : playing with) him and her. i had a dream that one day, i don't have to live another solitary days.

however i now have an only dream, to become one who'd be well deserved of having such dreams. that dreams never come with only "do come true" but also with "undying responsibility" and "unstoppable after effects".

life is indeed a series of how you make peace with your faith. not with how people perceive it, not with how people expect you to perceive it. not with how you assume it expects you to perceive it.



God loves you. and supposedly, in any way, a vice versa. do you?


27.8.16

ekor.

masih memegang ekor mimpi yang sama,
masih mengelus bulu-bulu halusnya yang sedang tegang,
masih mencoba menggodanya dengan bola-bola karet warna-warni sambil bilang,
"itu pelangi".

dia anak baik, dia hanya minta satu,
tapi aku membacanya satu ratus, kadang, satu ribu.

dia anak manis, sabar menunggu sambil mendengarkan senandung "god doesn't love me".
lalu aku marah. "god loves you for sure."
lalu aku diam, aku ingat, tak bisa aku memastikannya.

dia pun bergeming, masih dengan senandungnya, masih dengan senyumnya.
masih pula dengan sabarnya.

masih memegang ekor mimpi yang sama,
kali ini sambil sedikit waswas.

mungkin aku terlalu erat menariknya dalam genggaman,
mungkin aku terlalu lengah hingga mungkin nanti malam dia lolos.

mungkin aku hanya tidak percaya
pada pilihan sendiri.

mungkin aku hanya terlalu takut
dia meninggalkan aku,
tanpa apa-apa sedikitpun.

mungkin dia (masih) terlalu besar bagiku.
mungkin begitu.


"god loves you. 
too much, he wants you to learn by yourself 
how to get rid of your own inferiority. 

don't disappoint him."