"it's by chance that i met you, it's by getting used to see you that i fell for you out of the blue, and it's seem by forever that i'm trying to get over you"


this song reminds me to time when i was being jenny,
full of hesitation to say yes or no.
but sure it was because the question was never popped up directly by the guy. unlucky me, no?
so i never found the urge to say "yes" if it's not person to person 'confrontation'.
guess i'm not suitable to be matched up by the third party.

this song also reminds me that love actually could collide with hate.
it was the time when i found that the one i used to love the most could turn out to be the one i hate
(not the most though).
but then i really couldn't help it.
in the end, it was his smile that i always give in to.

. . . . . . .

yesterday i found quite a surprising fact.
i used to try lots of thing to handle this sleeping disorder of mine,
but none of them worked. not even the relaxing tea. not even the hot chocolate.
yet, just a simple happiness did work, a pretty simple detailed happiness.
just like a quick pop on one of this video setting which made me couldn't stop giggling.

. . .

most of my friends kept telling me to move on.
none of them ever reminded me that move on should be with my head on up front though.
so for now, i do my own version of moving forward :
walking up front slowly with lots of looking back
*big grin*
sure i might be falling down the road countless time.
but i guess it'll be alright, since by falling down i'll be brought back to the reality.
one day, i'm sure i'll be able to move on with head on up front.

. . .

back to the pretty simple detailed happiness,
it made me sound asleep with smile.

i'll make more of it in the future.



this way, didn't i just try to unconsciously kill myself?


sebut saya apa saja.
tapi memang saya masih mencari suara Tuhan,

kendatipun saya tahu suara itu ada di sana,

dan ini adalah masalah apakah saya memilih untuk mendekatinya atau menjauhinya,
dan ini adalah masalah apakah saya memilih untuk menulikan diri akan suara hati atau mendengarnya dengan sabar,
dan ini adalah masalah apakah saya memilih untuk sekedar belajar mengeja atau membacanya dengan sungguh-sungguh dengan segenap diri,
dan ini adalah masalah apakah saya memilih untuk membutakan diri terhadap selubung tipis sang musuh abadi pada intuisi yang sedianya adalah paduan antara akal dan nurani anugrah tertinggi dari Sang Pencipta atau melihatnya dengan mata kepala juga mata hati yang sejernih-jernihnya,

sebut saya apa saja.

. . . . . . .

dan perjalanan ini adalah sepanjang usia,
apalagi sebutan yang pantas untuk perjalanan menemukan diri dalam diri?
Sekedar bertanya pada diri sendiri :

"Seberapa sering kamu menyatakan alasan di balik pilihanmu akan sesuatu dengan berupa argumen mengapa pilihan itu baik untukmu alih-alih memberikan daftar keburukan (paling tidak menurut pandanganmu sendiri) dari pilihan-pilihan lain yang tidak kamu ambil?"


now and then.

my first favorite teen movies : now & then

. . .

"Well Samantha... Things will happen in your life that you can't stop... But that's no reason to shut out the world... There's a purpose for the good and for the bad..."
(Crazy Pete)
"As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened and we can't."
"You can run from the disappointments you're trying to forget. But its only when you embrace your past that you truly move forward. Maybe Thomas Wolfe never got to go home again, but I found my way there. And I'm glad I did."

. . .

well, after all my favorite was and is still Samantha

and i got my own lesson learnt, that a group of friendship (especially girls) in fact needed to be in four or any other even numbers, 
except they had one person among them leading as a super-mature-dependable-sister role (of which believe me it would ruin her development stages at any amount), 
or they just eventually decided to make it of three

champagne supernova.

"How many special people change? How many lives are living strange? 
Where were you while we were getting high? 
Slowly walking down the hall 
Faster than a cannonball 
Where were you while we were getting high? 
Someday you will find me 
Caught beneath the landslide 
In a champagne supernova in the sky"

I think i just need to cheer myself up a bit, lately.

This is among my most favorite song. I remember this song was from the album "What's the Story Morning Glory", of which I bought the cassette album back then when I was around 14 or 15, out of curiosity just because my crush was a huge fan of this band and often humming the song "Talk Tonight". After I bought it and listen to all the song, it turned out that I'm becoming one of their fans too. They're really one among the greatest band I've ever heard during my teenage days. 

This song had accompanied me while I'm going through things in my life. My teenage days, my junior high final exam days. Around ten years later, it also accompanied me while I'm going through all the graduate-school-abroad-application things. Surely, it warmed me through the rejections as well.

And now, "Champagne Supernova" is again on my playlist, accompanying me to get through my thesis days.

. . . . . . .
Dear my first crush, an architect somewhere in the city (yes, from what I've heard and seen, apparently he was also taking a major in architecture), thank you for introducing this band to me. They were good, just like what you've told me ;)


"because i live in a world full of prerequisite"


(i thought)
some places are just enough to be seen through magazines, or books, or internet
some others are, no matter how, must be seen in real
some places like San Francisco and New York City 
and maybe London and Stockholm and Prague and Amsterdam and Santorini and Jerusalem
(let me change my mind, later)
"if it's realistic, then it is not a dream, i suppose"


sepenggal masa depan [1]

jam duabelas malam datang terlalu cepat.

dengan hidung yang memerah,
pening yang tak mau hilang,
juga suhu badan yang sedikit lebih tinggi dari biasanya.

dan tentu saja udara malam yang dingin tidak seperti kemarin,
serta batas dimensi nyata dan maya yang menjadi setipis helai rambut.

kesepian itu, bukan ditinggal sendiri di dalam satu ruang kosong.
kesepian itu, adalah saat badan berteriak sakit dan satu-satunya penopang kepala hanyalah kedua tangan milik sendiri.

kamu lihat?

kita berdua sama-sama manusia kesepian, yang sama-sama punya dunia sendiri untuk dihidupkan ceritanya.
tidak bisa kita mencinta dengan sempurna.

. . . . . . .
sepotong cerita dari penggalan masa depan,
tentang aku, dan tentang dia.


diriku dirimu.

sekali waktu ingin kupukul jatuh perbedaan yang mendorong aku ke kiri dan engkau ke kanan,
menendangnya hingga melewati batas kaki langit,
lalu membuat dunia, hanya berisi aku dan kau, dan perbedaan-perbedaan di antara kita menjadi sekedar mimpi tengah malam.

tapi perbedaan ini (terlalu) nyata adanya,
membuat aku dan kau, masing-masing kita bercerita dengan bahasa yang saling asing.

kutunggu lambaian sampai jumpa darimu,
karena ada cerita yang tidak bisa kita miliki bersama-sama.

. . . . . . .
*kenapa jadi galau begini ?


my morning calls.

My alarm song :)
Reminds me of the good good old days.
Freezes the memory within.

And I miss them all. So much.

But there's no turning point. The move is forward.
"The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."

- Albert Einstein -

= = =

A friend tag me in her note, quoting some lines from Einstein. I'd love to say I strongly agree with him, yet I just couldn't prove it myself. Not yet. 

Nonetheless, I've seen it in some women I adore. My role model architect whom I quietly look up to and my best friend are among them. And not to say this dear friend of mine who tagged me. 

However on the opposite, I couldn't really say that following the crowd is not that good. Of course, each of us, already had our own way written (with huge of effort we might change it though), whether it is making our own path, or following other's. 

And, one more thing, by "place", I don't think it's literally "place". It could also be some certain condition out of our comfort zones while spatially we didn't go anywhere. 

= =

Get to know our comfort zone, and leave it! is my tagline for my 28 going 29. Well, going out from the so-called comfort zone is not something easy. It's one big thing. Until today, I always see the leaving comfort zone as going somewhere else outside Bandung, still I haven't made it yet. But it's definitely one thing I always keep in mind. However, pulling it backward, leaving the comfort zone could be this simple : leaving all the bad habits those prevent us from improving, from reaching goals, from making the very first step going out. For those who already had such kind of habits (including me for sure), it's indeed not something "simple". Mind you, how many action plans I've made to turn the bad habits into the good ones, and how many of them were failed. I'm not yet over with my transformation proposal. I'm still searching the best way for me to improve. And yes, now I can admit, it's a whole-life-time process.

As for now, the master thesis I'm currently working on is some kind of examination, or a checkpoint, for that process of leaving my comfort zones (yeap, I'm talking about laziness, procrastination, impatient, unstructured, and being easily distracted). If I were succeeded (of course I wish I will), then I could then say 'I'm passing a stage', couldn't I? And for sure, another stage of checkpoints will be waiting ahead.

Going on the (supposed to be) halfway, I found that the root of my bad habits, or I might say my comfort zone, is my anxiety. I worried too much over unnecessary thing. Yes, I know shouldn't, but I just can't help it. Questions are flooding my mind all the time, even at times I should be focus to my thesis. What will come next? What if I couldn't finish this according to my timeline? What if I couldn't push out my best in this work? What if I don't have the chance to continue to a PhD? What if it is really not the suitable field for me? What if for all this time I went through a wrong path? What if after I could finish this I still couldn't meet my lifetime partner? What if it's all meaningless?

Once again, I know, I really know, I shouldn't worry too much over things. Once again, I just can't help it when those anxiety came overflowing. Well, worries might be added over times. But there's also a first thing first. While I know exactly what my priorities are, isn't it paradoxical to keep still my worries and screw my focus? It is.


Then, here came the quote. It's like a pat on my burning head.

At some point in my life back then, I really hate it when I found my self not in a good compatibility with the crowd around. I felt lost and insecure. I felt like I was being ignored and unaccepted. And as if I'm nothing. It's a traumatic thing to have bad relationships with others. It's a traumatic thing to picture yourself all alone in the middle of the crowd.

But now, the incompatibilities do me just fine. Being all alone in the middle of the crowd doesn't feel that threatening. I'm not lost. I feel safe. I see my self in various level of interactions with others. And acceptance is all about appreciation. And I never be a thing. I am a human being.

It feels good to see myself making my own path, scratching randomly based on mere intuition of which direction I feel like going to. 

It feels good to realize that I, whether alone or with some crowd, am a part of a big constellation. 


There's no connectivity in my writings above, no? -___-"


sepetik rindu.

bulan memanggil, sayup saja
lewat rintik yang setia ditaburnya atas remah-remah kelabu kecoklatan, ia itu tanah tempatku berpaku.

masa-masa lewat tanpa jejak untuk kuhirup sekedar kenangan akannya.

rintik yang sampai, menyesap, memaksa aroma haru biru hari lalu menyeruak,
lewat mekarnya melati yang mengiringi pagi.

senja kala lalu terlupa.
mata dan hati sama terpejam.
kali ini matahari sibuk menari bersama kenangan dalam kepala,
juga sepetik rindu,
yang telah kekal mengendap pada dasar rongga udara.

bersama setiap tarikan nafas,
ia hidup dalam setiap aku.


the dancer

I love this composition. It reminds me a lot of the atmosphere of two my favorite cities : Yogyakarta and Bali. Can't wait to have my summer break this year in Ubud.


additional note for 28 #26

From a friend who gave me feedback number three, I learnt a thing. One important thing.

That passion is not only about yourself. It's about you and others. It's about how you make what you love benefits others. Passion should not be too self-centered. That's why it's not about things you expert on, but rather things you love unconditionally.

And off course, of all, stages of states do applied here.


kopor tua hanyut dalam pusaran tahun-tahun lalu
tepian sungai terpaku bisu, jadi saksi ingatan yang mati-matian ingin bunuh diri
namun cengekeraman tangan-tangan hati pun mencapai pintu memori dalam otak
lalu bergelut mereka di atas pusaran dangkal yang diam-diam membawa keduanya hanyut ke hilir.

adakah masa yang kau ikat pada hati?

cinta tidak pernah berhenti bertanya, juga pada rangka-rangka besi yang mengurungnya.
cinta tidak pernah berhentu bertanya, karena tahu jika ia berhenti maka sang masa akan mengambil alih semua rasa.

lalu, pernahkah waktu tertidur?

kopor tua tidak kenal waktu.
ia tuli pada dentang lonceng penanda detik, atau bahkan waktu makan malam.
ia buta pada ayunan matahari yang tak pernah mengganti jejaknya dari timur ke barat.

milikmu kah, senja, serpih-serpih kala yang termakan hari?

kopor tua hanya kenal hari-hari yang terekam kencang dalam benak diri,
hari-hari yang selamanya berada dalam tautan dua hati yang saling sembunyi.

28 #28

It's another birthday, hey Aries of April 9th!

I wish to be a better human. To make mistakes and improve, to have a fairly balanced rise and fall. To be a lot more brave. To be bold and honest. To be nice and gentle. For sure, to love and be loved.

I wish to be a better version of myself. To break out from the comfort zone, and live a life I once dreamt over the blank papers. To check three to five images on my vision board. To start pinning the cities on my world map.  And having better relationships with those around me.

And I'll never get bored wishing a better faith and a good health, to meet the one, nice future lifetime partner (soon...very soon), to finish my graduate school (not so far from this mid-year), to work on thing I really love (as soon as I've graduated), to get married and build my own family (on the perfect time and place only God knows), and...establish my own studio (one day only I know ;p).

And of all, I wish to be happy. Unconditionally happy :)


28 #27

"How does it feel to not getting what you've wished for?"

Failed to fetch the destinies you've imagined.

Failed to pursue the worldwide journey on your mid-twenties.

Failed to be the best, at home, at school, at work and at society.

Failed to stay committed to plans you've once schemed.

Failed to win the heart of the best man in the world you can think of.

Failed to catch the falling star, all the chances those might have been nice enough to walk close to you.

Failed to be a person you wanted yourself to be.

If it's not a despairingly heartbreaking with some bittersweet, then find me some more suitable terms. Furthermore, I actually kinda dislike the word "failed to". Yes, I did not get some things I have wished for, but I don't think it's right to address them as failures. It's just my expectation doesn't meet God's master plan. And God's master plan, if not the best and customized for me only, is never a failure.

28 #26

It's called feedback.

I remembered my buddy (a partner while I was joining some self improvement training) have said things like this to me : "You're keeping your stress by yourself, how's that others suppose to know and help you out? This project is not something you should think over by yourself. This is our project." and "You know, I kinda admire you. Not every person who failed something would still be having such courage to face their failure and indeed pay it off with a far better performance on any possible upcoming chances. You're doing great, nobody's would ever know that actually you're still drowning in your last failure."

Another friend of mind who's among those I used to entrust my dream and plan also gave me some lines, like : "I don't get you. You said you wanted to work on that big magazine. So, what is it with your plan to work on some urban design consultant, or this plan to get your MBA? I don't get it why is it you purposely take a non-straight path as you already know what you want? Why don't you just...go??"

Another one, to whom I also shared my dreams, said : "You know, you have passion and you also have some strength as well as weaknesses. All you need is to play with them, wisely. You have to live your life, that's absolutely true. Yet, you also need to make your living to stay alive."

And, my self-improvement training's coaches reminded me : "You're not in competition with anyone. You're in fight with yourself. You're your biggest enemy ever existed. Get to know your comfort zone, and leave it."

The last one, I forgot was it my sister or brother, "I understand your need to be blunt and bold and firm, but it doesn't mean you need to be rude and harsh and cynical, don't you?"


Unfortunately, all these feedbacks couldn't be applied in my love-life folder. Too bad. The only feedback concerning the word "love" I remembered was only that told by one of my facilitator (still on the self improvement training I joined back then), "Don't you forget, that you're the love itself." So simple, yet heartbreakingly stabbed my heart.

28 #25

it's for more than the fifth avenue
it's for more than the big design consultant i wish to apply to
it's for more than the headquarter of my dream place to be

one day i'll put this stunning city onto my big world map board
and one day means the perfect time only me know


28 #24

Both heart or mind, might not keep a good record of things those have inspired us (in any possible ways). But, even we didn't notice it, the universe never forget to do the job. Perfectly. And as for me, if I looked back to years behind, this list was somehow slipped into my treasure box, stayed there, like, forever.

Dunia Sophie, the book.
Seventeen years of living and it never crossed my mind to ask "dear mother, dear father, who am I and where did I come from?"

An article concerning woman and veil by Quraish Shihab on one of his book.
I remember the statement was quite controversial, but nonetheless gave significant influence on my first lifetime decision as a muslimah. 

Better Home and Garden, the magazine.
No need to say that the beginning of everything is my flash interest in interior design, which was led by this magazines. First read it when I was eleven turning twelve, an since then building my own 'home' one day, became one of my ultimate dreams.

Liga Film Mahasiswa. Enough said.
Been dreaming to establish my own "home and decor" magazine one day, at first it was because of I want to learn photography. No more, no less. But in the end, I got lots more from what I'd expected. It was when and where love and hate collided. It was when and where friendship crushed with professionalism. I had my best days yet my worst days. I had all my hidden strength and weakness exploited, the ambition yet the inferiority, the leadership yet the stubbornness. It was just like what it said : "grow, learn, take risk. and have fun!" And I, could never thank enough for one big growing stage of my life.

Supernova Ksatria, Puteri dan Bintang Jatuh. The first of Supernova series by Dewi Lestari.
I am totally captivated by this book. I read it countless time. And, yes, I mean really countless. And, you, do you remember this line, Ksatria?

Kembalilah ke puri ini.
Satu semesta mungil yang mampu melumat bumi
kalau aku mau membentangkannya.
[Supernova Ksatria, Puteri dan Bintang Jatuh, Ksatria, pg.23]

That might be the very first time you caught my heart :)

National Geographic Magazines.
Almost all of nature and landscape photographers dream to work here (in my quick conclusion). I used to be one of them. But then I realized that I am not a photographer. I am just a photography lover. Moreover, I am not a nature and landscape expert. Some of my good friends, to whom I once entrusted this secret dream (oh, well it's now no longer a secret anyway) said that if I were serious about this dream, then I must strive to be the best in any field I am passionate about. Be an expert and be sure to master a specific theme of it. And that was exactly what I decided back then : to put my best and be the best expert in any field I chose, in a specific theme I desire the most. That's how I thought I had made up with my 4,5 years education.

3 idiots.
Until now, I always thought that it would be irresponsible for me to say that actually I pursued the wrong path of formal education. However my condition back then, it was after all a decision made upon a full awareness. This movie was a closing reminder for me not cling on regrets that much. It's not about "why I did it wrong?", but more likely "so how should I move onward?"
Things happened for reasons. That's what I always believe. I failed Singapore. I failed Europe. It could mean anything, either "I have better different plans on you" or "You didn't put your best effort, girl!" or "So... you want this thing. Really? How can you assure Me that you deserve this thing?"
I might not good at certain thing, unfortunately one of the most important things in my field. But, it's okay. I might be good at another thing, unfortunately might not be one of significant matters, yet fortunately is one thing I love the most. Lucky me, I am not really interested in mere talent matter. I believe more in strength and weakness and that the best of one person is a perfect combination of those two.

Urban Ecology Research Laboratory. At one of those Ivy League University in the States.
Starting my graduate education almost two years ago, I planned to be a designer, later pursuing my Ph.D and then becoming a lecturer. One thing happened and I canceled all the plans. But now, working on my thesis, finding so much interesting things from papers to books, from event to institution, and from design consultant to research center, I changed my mind. Dreams are always way up above temporary silly pride.
One of my thesis colleague said something sound like : "dreams, once dreamt, will eventually find its way back to us". Now, I believe in such thing. That dream never forget the heart from which it once born. That the universe also never failed on keeping it and eventually giving it back to us.
So, what is it, you might asked. Then, pardon me, that is my now secret dream ;)

My dearest Grandpa.
If there wasn't him at the first place, leaving my teen ages phase, I don't think I would ever regained my self confidence to enter my adolescences phase. I think I would just stay in my eight, forever. *wait, that's not even counted as teen ages* I would never know how I would survive my college days without his last question for me : "are you sure you want to take architecture as your major? do you really plan to be an architect?"
Another important thing I learnt through my grandpa, the most important one I might say, is that no matter how precious my personal dreams might be, it can't be compared to my special disposition as a woman ; that I should know by myself when it is to take a big pause, to build my own family, raise my children and always be there for them in any kind of way ; that you can have it all, but never at the same time.
did you know, that "stri" from "astri" means "woman" in Sanskrit? :)


28 #23

If you can't listen full-heartedly, at least never tell a story half-heartedly, randomly fragmented and one you don't know well. People might misunderstand and then get the false idea and later end up telling others the opposite of the story.

And such thing had happened to me, once or twice. Both as the listener and the story-teller.

28 #22

Setelah menonton film "Pursuit of Happyness" beberapa tahun lalu, dan mendengarkan satu nasihat dari sang ayah kepada anaknya, saya pun menyesali satu hal : mendengarkan orang lain yang mengatakan saya tidak bisa melakukan sesuatu.

Terdengar sepele? Mungkin saja. Yang jelas itu membuat saya menjadi tidak ada bedanya dengan orang yang mengatakan saya tidak bisa melakukan sesuatu tersebut : mematahkan impian yang bahkan belum lahir.

Terpikir setelah membaca ini.


28 #21

Among my bucket list is to write a book entitled "Jokes for Dummies : between Sensibility and Instant Pleasure."

Fiyuhh...the hardest part of being one kind of person who's mostly tend to be serious is learning to see jokes with a cool head and accept those mostly meet our personal standards on sense of humor, of which, no need to be explained further, can't be considered equal to others'.