[journal] 2013,

the year i turned 30.
what's in a number? yet, it's not mere a number.

the year i moved out from where i always think of as a home.
and change is good.

the year i entrusted with a title i always long for.
now bear the responsibility.

the year when it finally came to mind, things i thought would never crossed my mind :
all i want is my mom and dad to be happy.

the year that might be the very last time for me to make such a reckless solo travelling.
well, i don't think so. guess there'll still be lots of solo trips. but a reckless one no more.

the year i felt like i'm fourteen again.
watching my favorite guys, being a fan girl to a heart content. and yes, it feels so good to be crazily in love.

the year i learnt to let go.
and letting go never equals to giving up.

the year i began to accept.
and to accept is indeed to give.

the year i dare to say i love myself more.
and nothing is really wrong with that.

the year i came to realize, i can't blame anything to "but, my heart said so".
you did not forget your senses, or did you?

the year i slowly detaching myself from things i shouldn't be too detached to.
distance is something to be embraced, not somewhere to escape to.

the year i choose, despite all, to feel complete and contented :)

Thank you 2013, for having me, to let me grow these ways...
and for all of you : have a wonderful better 2014, dears :)


“It is never my custom to use words lightly. If twenty-seven years in prison have done anything to us, it was to use the silence of solitude to make us understand how precious words are and how real speech is in its impact on the way people live and die.”

— Nelson Mandela


"At this stage in your life I don't think you're going to write anything worthwhile, no matter how much time you put into your novels," Miu said, calmly, unhesitantly. "You've got the talent. I'm sure someday you'll be an extraordinary writer. I'm not just saying this, I truly believe it. You have that natural ability within you. But now's not the time. The strength you need to open that door isn't quite there. Haven't you ever felt that way?"

"Time and experience," Sumire said, summing it up.

[Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart]

untitled #1

rindu ini tak punya nama,
ia tumbuh bukan pada hati,
dan besar tanpa jarak.

rindu ini lahir dengan berisik,
namun tak tertanda oleh telinga,
karena mereka sibuk ingin mendengar langkah-langkah (lain) yang mengendap.

rindu ini diam, tidak kemana-mana,
menunggu untuk dijawab,
menunggu untuk diberikan hati.

dibalik rimba pikiran,
yang diantaranya tak berjejak.


[notes] november without a goodbye.

broken hearts never compromised.
and time does not heal.

it's a journey to end it all.
it's the same one, to start things over.

making itinerary is the quest of a piece of mind,
and a solitude of soul.
making it (really) happen is an attempt to crystallized
what's not meant to be yours, from the very start.

november doesn't hold grudge,
it sent a question, it led the answer.

through the sky to the east i determined.

[travelnotes] my (first) BIGBANG concert.

..and why did I include a concert in a travelnote? It's because to me, just like a book, a music could also give you a chance to travel to another world you didn't even know it exists..

Prior the Party

From the moment it was confirmed that I got the concert (and the race) ticket, I got really really really excited. I could not believe that watching their concert, even though this one is the mini one, can be a reality in any time, soon. Well, I tried to calm myself down, getting the necessary things done, securing a permission to be off from my office on that very Friday, making sure things would be just okay at home while I'm leaving, and do the packing. Of course, the last one fail. I just did the whole packing things the night right before the flight, which resulted in I didn't get any sleep, at all. Well, partly because I was too excited I couldn't pack things briefly, hence I just finished packing 45 minutes before my taxi came to pick me up --"

At 3.15 early in the morning, my taxi took me to the airport. At 4.00 I already checked-in, followed by having some coffee and cinnamon roll, did the morning prayer, and waiting calmly at the boarding gate's waiting room. It was almost 5.15 when the boarding call heard, and at 5.30 I was ready in my plane that would take me to my boys *kyaa*. At 8.20 Singapore time, I arrived in Changi, passed the immigration, texted my mom, and finally at 9.00 took the MRT to get to the inn which took approximately one hour. After checked into the dorm, made my bed, and organized my things, I was ready to meet the boys. Yay! So off I go to the venue...

...of which when I got there, it was not so that 'yay!' anymore. The queue is really something >.< why did these fans need to wait that early, huh? Huh? Huh??? However, I needed my lunch, considering I only slept for (maybe) only one hour in the plane, or else I would be faint before I could even dance with them *yes, you wish*. So I got a quick grab of lunch, while observing my surroundings and found the VIP everywhere o.o I went into the line at around 12-12.30 and waiting aaaalll the waaaaayy until 15.00 when the gate opened. My big big mistake was that I didn't bring any mineral water with me, while the sun shine way too bright up there. In other words : it's so hot, boy! So first thing first after I passed the security check when the gate opened, was not running like crazy to the Padang Stage where the boys will be performing, but finding some water and then walk calmly to the spot. Well, thankfully not all the fangirls (or boys) were that crazy to fill up the venue eight hours before the show. At this case, I think I belong to the crazy ones --"

The stage. In the end, I end up watching the race only through the screens. I didn't think I could handle the noise, yet I also didn't want to loose the chance getting a strategic spot for the concert later that night.

And when I looked back, there're so many VIPs who couldn't get closer to the stage inside the fence. I was on the inside, by the way. Oh, at the background was Singapore's business district night skyline. Too bad it wasn't the background of the stage, isn't it :) *but I'll be busy enjoying the view of the boys rather than the skyline, though*

The grass, the sand, the red shoes. And the (very) long wait.

Yes, I'm ready to party! ;)

The SHOW! The Amazing PERFORMANCE! The LIVELY STAGE! The Five Eagle Boys!!!

I remember when I watched G-Dragon's concert in Jakarta last June, I also had similar situation as when I watched this concert. I didn't get any sleep, only got approximately one hour on the travel from Bandung to Jakarta. Well, the story was about to be repeated. Prior the start of the concert, I was really really really tired. And worried, what ifs. What if I was disappointed. What if the show didn't meet my expectation. What if I regretted watching the concert. What if I couldn't enjoy the stage. What if I lost my excitement. Thus I waited in silent, in a deep thought "do I really gonna watching this?". I smiled a little, though, when a video introducing the member was played on screen, which mean the show would start in any moment.

And again, suddenly all the anxiety disappear the second the firework started.

TONIGHT is a beautiful night! It was started! The boys were out!

And I started to jump, singing along, and shouted like any other fan girls (or boys) around me were doing. I suddenly forgot my plan to watch the concert calmly and wholly from the back near the border fence. To think again it was a stupid of me to ever plan so since I was sooo close to the stage T___T *latecry* But but buuutt... I manage to see the boys, their singing, their dancing, clearly. However, it's certain that my attempt to take pictures of them became an epic fail. The boys were just boys, getting all the hype coming together as five on a stage after a long long long time pursuing their solo acts, just imagine how they would shake the stage --"

So these were some of few I could take (and I’m sorry all of them were shaken T___T)

 Choi Seung Hyun aka T.O.P. 
The one who all he needed to do was just standing there and do nothing (oh, a very little smile and taking off the sunglasses would be desirable bonus) to make those girls crazily screaming --"

 Kang Daesung
The one with such wonderful voice and that angelic smile. Finally I could see his famous waving hand to the fans. Finally I could hear his notable high notes :’)

Kwon Jiyong aka G-Dragon
The most genius. A super talented leader of the boys, yet so humble. We meet again, there :) 

Lee Seung Hyun aka Seungri
The most adorable maknae. “I’m sorry my English is horrible. But I can sing, and I can dance, for all of you.” And suddenly I’m in love with this all-grown-up boy. He’s just too sweet *kyaaa*

Dong Youngbae aka Taeyang
Yeah!!! Finally I could see the Sun! I think I already wrote so much about him on my last post. All I can say is that, yes, he’s the most active on stage ;) No longer that kind of boy who popped out from a shoujo manga, but now more an artist in the making :”)

Now, have I told you that it really fells like a dream coming true to finally be able to attend their concert. It was indeed my dream. Fortunately, the one that came true :) I still can’t believe that I was watching them performing these list :
1.   Tonight
2.   Hands Up
3.   Fantastic Baby
4.   How Gee
5.   Stupid Liar
6.   Crooked  (GD Solo)
7.   Knock Out (GD TOP)
8.   High High (GD TOP)
9.   Gotta Talk to You (Seungri Solo)
10. Strong Baby (Seungri Solo)
11. Gara Gara Go
12. Number 1
13. Bad Boy
14. Feeling
15. Lies
16. Last Farewell
17. Crayon + Fantastic Baby (Encore, Remix)
18. Bad Boy (Encore)

Boy, I was spoiled. The list was among my favorites. Finally a Fantastic Baby and Bad Boy. Gara Gara Go and Number 1. Crooked. Feeling. LIES. And the one turning point : Stupid Liar. I just loveee the performance too much.

But on top of that, I could finally see the five of them come together. Such passion. Such individuality. Such harmony. Such a big bang to life. Oh, I can say no more. This’ just something I’d love to recommend every VIP to experience once in their life.

I am indeed a happy happy happy VIP! And next : another BIGBANG (not a mini one, for sure) Concert, somewhere, on the VIP rows. Yep, you read them right. Just remember : dreams do come true. For those who dare to make it happen.


Thank you, dear BIGBANG, for a wonderful night with such passionate performance (just like you always gave). I love you more, eagle boys, enough said :)

. . . 

Ps 1 : this post was completed with a company of their Big Show 2010 concert video, which made me think of how far these boys have gone :’)

Ps 2 : did I regret not being able to take any proper pictures of them? Actually I felt bad more for can not manage the temptation to take pictures, and not putting off my camera and enjoy more the party instead o.O Because just as Taeyang said in his newest song, "Ain't no party like Bigbang party, don't stop!" Yes, YB, I'm as much agree.

Ps 3 : now I can truly say "hat off to those fancams takers and gif makers" those had always given us happiness by providing high quality pictures and images of the boys :)

Ps 4 : see you again, boys! Soon. Somewhere East <3