[journal] change!

First thing first : this is not about a world-scale change. It's just about a personal-scale change, a transition between phases in life.

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Back on my thesis days, a friend asked me whether I read the manga 'Cromartie High School' or not. Well, at that time, I answered "no, I haven't", and then she went telling me about the story in general, which in the end dragged out my curiosity. So I read the manga. Not all of it, but only several chapters, no more than ten as I remembered, from hundreds of it. I gave up.

However there was one chapter that's strongly stuck in my head ever since I read it. It's the third chapter to be precise, with a title : "Time to Debut". Oh, I must give a warning beforehand, it's a manga about the world of delinquents, unfortunately not presented in cute ways as those in shoujo and josei mangas. In short, it's a story about an average boy who enrolled in Cromartie High School, which happened to be a school filled with delinquents. After some times, he still finds himself unable to adapt to his new environment. And then he thought of the only option available if he wants to fit in there :

"In the world of delinquents, there is a revolutionary program, which I learned of just the other day. It's known as the 'high school debut system'. Following this set of guidelines, even individuals who were of a normal social standing in junior high school can start off on a new foot as a delinquent." 

(taken from the manga Croamartie High School, chapter 3, page 18). 

Intermezzo : Man! There's actually a guidelines to be a delinquents --"

Okay, so here's the summary of the guidelines, roughly copied from the same chapter of the manga :

Lesson One - Do some changes for the look : bleach your hair, shaving and furrowing your eyebrows.
Lesson Two - Remember, even though with those changes on look you might be feeling tougher, you are still a wanna be punk. Don't be deceived with our own looks.
Lesson Three - Do some changes for the way you wear your uniform : leave your collar opened, not wearing a button-down shirt under the jacket, but wear a printed shirt or t-shirt which show your individuality instead.
Lesson Four - Do not store textbooks in your backpack and make sure it always empty and flat. So what's the point of carrying the bag? No. This one is just too cruel I can not reveal it here. It was punches related.Lesson Five - Severing connections with your former delinquents friends because associating with them will only expose you. Well, it's just a polite way to say 'cut ties with your old friends', I think. Oh, one more, it also said that you should toss away all of your old photos, especially in which you were smiling. Now what?Lesson Six - Try walking with swag as lazily as you can. Give a menacing glare if you're to be stared at. Walk with tough-looking friends. 

And finally, the last lesson : 

"If you've made it this far, only one step remains before your high school debut. Now for the final lesson... be sure you have completed the previous lessons before starting at your new school."

"The Way to A Successful High School Debut" (I suppose it's the title of the guideline) - The End.

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Maybe for most cases in real life, that's how it goes. First impression is everything. Second impression is like "what's with you? It's so not you!" A room from changes were all closed. Who know there'll be some improvements among those changes?

There was a period in my life when I really really really wished to go to one place where nobody knows me. I once really really want to start anew with myself. It's not that I hate myself at that moment, nor I didn't feel like I'm my true self. It's just I was at the peak of being tired with that parts of me which (unfortunately) people around me were used to. At that time, I felt like that no matter how hard I try to change, nobody would notice. Nobody would voluntarily accept "ah, she's changing". 

But fate told another story. I moved nowhere from a place where people (think) they knew me. I reached that peak of irritating phase of "oh, pleaseee won't you let me change, for the better, I promise".

Why it's so hard to transform to the better version of you in such familiar place?

Maybe because at that time I wanted to change mere for a change of an image. Not for the change itself. If to transform means anything for me, and I'm confident enough of my transformation, why should it bother me if people don't see it? So my decisions on a transformation was also based on fear how the people around me will perceived the (I think) new me?

I know it doesn't work that way. When I realized I somewhat fear that people will not notice the change I strive to make, I knew I did not really change. I stayed. It's other people who actually change.

In the end, changes are inevitable. Whether those were to be noticed, or not, is another different thing.