yang membebaskan belitan benang pada hati.
pada hari yang bermatahari,
hati menghangat memberi tanda.
pada hari yang berair,
hati menyejuk memberi tanya.
percaya pada bawaannya,
racun-racun tak berwarna dan tak berasa.
yang pernah menguras sepetik keyakinan,
yang pernah mengguncang segumpal cita.
yang pernah membuat jatuh sakit,
yang pernah membuat berhenti terbangun.
percaya dengan mengalirkannya,
hati akan penuh oleh keutuhan.
dan lalu langkah tak kan pernah salah.
rindu tertahan mimpi,
pada sayup hujan sebelum ia deras.
pada sepoi angin sebelum ia badai.
rindu tertahan waktu,
pada sekrup-sekrup pemutar jarum.
pada lebihnya sepasir pada jam kaca.
rindu tertahan hati,
pada matahari yang berpulang pada pagi.
pada gunung yang terlelap pada mimpi.
Lesson One - Do some changes for the look : bleach your hair, shaving and furrowing your eyebrows.
Lesson Two - Remember, even though with those changes on look you might be feeling tougher, you are still a wanna be punk. Don't be deceived with our own looks.
Lesson Three - Do some changes for the way you wear your uniform : leave your collar opened, not wearing a button-down shirt under the jacket, but wear a printed shirt or t-shirt which show your individuality instead.
Lesson Four - Do not store textbooks in your backpack and make sure it always empty and flat. So what's the point of carrying the bag? No. This one is just too cruel I can not reveal it here. It was punches related.Lesson Five - Severing connections with your former delinquents friends because associating with them will only expose you. Well, it's just a polite way to say 'cut ties with your old friends', I think. Oh, one more, it also said that you should toss away all of your old photos, especially in which you were smiling. Now what?Lesson Six - Try walking with swag as lazily as you can. Give a menacing glare if you're to be stared at. Walk with tough-looking friends.
In the end, changes are inevitable. Whether those were to be noticed, or not, is another different thing.
Now, I want to start 2014 with some looking back to the project. What happened to the big cheesy goal? What also happened to the small not-so-cheesy sub-goals?
I moved on. Not as planned, which was supposed to be like this : I flew across the South China Sea, landing in front of him, tell him "I loved you, this' confession is more my ego. Thank you and see you", and flew back home and live a happy single life. No. It doesn't work that way.
I moved on, by consciously leading a mindful days. Slowly, one thing at a time. It never crossed my thought that being mindful to your own sadness, fear, and cuffs could help that much in letting go what's even never be yours at the first place. And later I found it's just as important to accept the whole of yourself, including that scary part of you which had let you to be in control of such delusional mind, as accepting that something is not and never to be yours.
While for the sub-goals, I admit 2013 was just a start of every changes I want to be. A good start if I may say. So I'd like to keep those sub-goals this year as well. Those were more of new habits I'd love to maintain throughout my life ahead, with some improvements every now and later when needed. Some evaluation is necessary though, especially on the self principles part.
Last year, it went this ways. This year, I think some revisions wouldn't hurt. So here I go :
- Be Astri. Be a girl, a lady, you envision yourself to be, how you would like your daughter to see in you.
- Be true. Whether it's planned or spontaneous. Be it philosophical or practical.
- Never get easily offended and intimidated. Listen, and filter. Every information are neutral.
- Eat and speak slowly. Eat as little. Speak as few.
- Write down your thoughts for any findings, not shouting them out just in any random way.
- Do all things needed in a portion that's just enough.
- Be organized more. With some amount of cluttered space.
- Be kind and well mannered to your surroundings.
- Remember, setting up or maintaining a distance is not forbidden.
- Never ever quit writing, whatever happens, whatever it takes :)
One thing for sure I'd love to say at the end of 2014 is "this year things are great!"
ps : I managed to not saying "peace!" all this year. yay!
No. I never called a princess. Nor ever they said I'm beautiful. So I grew up far from the idea that being beautiful is one of the top priorities. Until I met the reality : school. However I did survive.
So it's kind of surprising when being more beautiful was to come to my list for this year. What kind of beautiful that I actually referring to?
Just recently I found the answer. It's a kind of beautiful I wished my daughter would rather see, later in time if I ever to have one : wild flowers.
Strong, alive, and could only be capture by people with certain eyes.
ps : Joe Hisaishi's songs are indeed among the stimulation to my very random thoughts, and I definitely read too much of shoujo mangas.
namun indahnya justru berjejak di timur,
kadang berpelangi, jika beruntung hujan ada di dekatnya.
jatuh dramatis pada belokan, persimpangan tanpa papan nama jalan atau penunjuk arah,
memakukan diri di tengah kecepatan, menghentikan diri sesaat sebelum keputusan.
karena keputusan yang sebelum senja adalah terlalu cepat,
ia perlu mendewasa hingga waktu menunjukkan embun dini hari,
tetes terakhir hasil kesabaran malam memenuhkannya.
(sumber dari sini)
kesepian pada baris paling depan adalah keputusan untuk terpaku pada layar, bukan pada mereka yang menemani di kiri dan kanan.
kesepian pada baris tengah adalah pilihan untuk menikmati cerita, atau tenggelam dalam cerita.
kesepian pada baris paling belakang adalah menjadi seutuhnya penonton, akan cerita yang tersaji pada layar, juga tersaji di dalam kepala-kepala yang samar-samar di dalam gelap.
kesepian di pintu keluar adalah ketika menyadari tidak ada teman tersenyum melihat langit di luar yang lebih biru daripada biasanya.
.di loket tiket :
berapa tiket? satu.
kesendirian adalah tentang pilihan. kesepian adalah tentang perasaan, bukan kesendirian.
dengan menyebut namaNya yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang.