dear Lila,
One day I wish you to understand, of all my decisions todays there's something like : "I want you to start from your own zero, not from my zero". That's why, my first reason would be you. That's why I started everything from your 14. That's why I rephrase my dream.
So that you'll start at your own perfect zero.
with much love,
I.
31.3.14
23.3.14
27 | pulang.
pulang adalah kata yang tak sempat mengenalmu. ia pemalu yang hanya mau mengintipmu dari satu halaman kamus. berharap cemas kamu setidaknya berpikir untuk mengejanya.
pulang adalah kata yang kamu pura-pura tak lihat dan tak dengar. padamu tak ada sebuah cerita tentang pulang, tak ada sebuah nyanyian selamat kembali di rumah.
pulang adalah sekaligus jarak yang tak tahu bagaimana harus membentangkan dirinya di antara aku dan kamu.
28 | langit senja.
langit senja memiliki merah yang berbeda di mana- mana. dan untuk kota ini, merah sore ini adalah yang terindah.
mungkin karena ia tahu, aku sedang menghitung lembaran-lembaran tersisa. untuk berkemas membungkus ilusi-ilusi yang menyamar sebagai mimpi, lalu membuangnya ke aliran sisa waktu malam nanti.
supaya besok pagi aku bisa beranjak membawa bayangan langit senja yang indah, sambil memanggul mimpi sejati yang aku masih ingin melihatnya tumbuh di dalamku.
jika sempat kau tanya mana lukisan senja terindah itu : kota ini sudah terlalu penuh ilusi.
dan aku tidak melukis sebuah ilusi.
28 | langit senja.
langit senja memiliki merah yang berbeda di mana- mana. dan untuk kota ini, merah sore ini adalah yang terindah.
mungkin karena ia tahu, aku sedang menghitung lembaran-lembaran tersisa. untuk berkemas membungkus ilusi-ilusi yang menyamar sebagai mimpi, lalu membuangnya ke aliran sisa waktu malam nanti.
supaya besok pagi aku bisa beranjak membawa bayangan langit senja yang indah, sambil memanggul mimpi sejati yang aku masih ingin melihatnya tumbuh di dalamku.
jika sempat kau tanya mana lukisan senja terindah itu : kota ini sudah terlalu penuh ilusi.
dan aku tidak melukis sebuah ilusi.
22.3.14
29 | -
ada yang bisa selesai tanpa harus jadi puisi :
saat semesta bersepakat dengan tuhan,
ini masanya hati mendewasa dengan rasa yang terwadah, bukan tertumpah.
.
dan diam-diam di belakang,
deretan aksara yang sedang kaku dalam bertautan pun mengamini.
saat semesta bersepakat dengan tuhan,
ini masanya hati mendewasa dengan rasa yang terwadah, bukan tertumpah.
.
dan diam-diam di belakang,
deretan aksara yang sedang kaku dalam bertautan pun mengamini.
30 | patah hati.
pagi-pagi menyapu sisa-sisa serpihan hati yang patah tadi malam.
namun mungkin satu dua tetap tertinggal sebagai pengingat,
agar tak pernah ada kata terbiasa.
hati yang patah, lagi-lagi adalah penanda
bagi sebuah rasa yang tumbuh sejelas-jelasnya
pada sepetak ruang yang belum benar.
hati yang patah, tidak sama dengan hati yang kalah
hati yang patah, hanya perlu bertumbuh sedikit lagi bersama waktu
untuk menjadi ruang yang lapang untuk sebuah rasa yang sejati.
.
catatan : tentang patah hati adalah perkara yang tidak berujung.
namun mungkin satu dua tetap tertinggal sebagai pengingat,
agar tak pernah ada kata terbiasa.
hati yang patah, lagi-lagi adalah penanda
bagi sebuah rasa yang tumbuh sejelas-jelasnya
pada sepetak ruang yang belum benar.
hati yang patah, tidak sama dengan hati yang kalah
hati yang patah, hanya perlu bertumbuh sedikit lagi bersama waktu
untuk menjadi ruang yang lapang untuk sebuah rasa yang sejati.
.
catatan : tentang patah hati adalah perkara yang tidak berujung.
8.3.14
31 | point zero.
in the name of flowers and uncertainties
in the whispers of rainy morning dew
in the footsteps of leaving seconds
i barely recall your past presence,
i barely remembered your promise
in the name of unsent letters,
in the name of thank you for being there.
and i barely told you i was waiting.
in the whispers of rainy morning dew
in the footsteps of leaving seconds
i barely recall your past presence,
i barely remembered your promise
in the name of unsent letters,
in the name of thank you for being there.
and i barely told you i was waiting.
[journal] writing, lately.
Okay, I have to admit that I'm having the worst relationship with writing on this period (semester to be precise). Even as I could remembered, I still wrote during my hectic days of thesis and even on my busy days of year-end project reports. Something was just off, lately.
Usually, whenever things came to me, writing them off would be my automatic mode. No matter whether I would love or hate it, later. I just couldn't help being expressive through writing on this blog, the better under 'sketsa suara' tag. But lately, I think too much before posting almost anything. I became more and more worry whether that would be something worthy of posting or not, yet such thing never really that much of consideration. There's always a pair of edit-and-review thing.
I once said to my friend, maybe for the last years, writing had been my tool for searching of something. And that for now I thought I have found what I was looking for, so eventually, unconsciously I began to stop writing.
But it's not it. Turns out there's no such thing as settling down. There's no such thing as "finally finding".
Here's my proof : this month would be my last month working in that big city. I tell you, this is far from my plan, which originally outlined three-five years of living as the big-city-career-girl. And if you wonder where will I be starting from the next month, I tell you one more thing : I don't know. Who knows what kind of decision I would make at this very month. Who know which way I'd put my trust in, my intuition or my logic.
Or my pride.
.
So I just come with the idea to start again, from the scratch. To take notes of each encounters during my last stay in the city. Well, those might be not all a pleasant thing. But, documentation is about documenting. It's a neutral thing. No matter it's about good things or bad things. The documenting must go on.
Nonetheless, writing is one important decision I made when I was 27, yet I didn't know what kind of writing I want to make. Hence nothing was ever started, really. As for now, despite all those bitterness of the livelihood in the big city, it surprisingly gives me a very clear vision of that later thing. The starting point, however, is on my hand.
. .
Just in case, not too long from now I'd make a decision the future me would definitely regret.
Usually, whenever things came to me, writing them off would be my automatic mode. No matter whether I would love or hate it, later. I just couldn't help being expressive through writing on this blog, the better under 'sketsa suara' tag. But lately, I think too much before posting almost anything. I became more and more worry whether that would be something worthy of posting or not, yet such thing never really that much of consideration. There's always a pair of edit-and-review thing.
I once said to my friend, maybe for the last years, writing had been my tool for searching of something. And that for now I thought I have found what I was looking for, so eventually, unconsciously I began to stop writing.
But it's not it. Turns out there's no such thing as settling down. There's no such thing as "finally finding".
Here's my proof : this month would be my last month working in that big city. I tell you, this is far from my plan, which originally outlined three-five years of living as the big-city-career-girl. And if you wonder where will I be starting from the next month, I tell you one more thing : I don't know. Who knows what kind of decision I would make at this very month. Who know which way I'd put my trust in, my intuition or my logic.
Or my pride.
.
So I just come with the idea to start again, from the scratch. To take notes of each encounters during my last stay in the city. Well, those might be not all a pleasant thing. But, documentation is about documenting. It's a neutral thing. No matter it's about good things or bad things. The documenting must go on.
Nonetheless, writing is one important decision I made when I was 27, yet I didn't know what kind of writing I want to make. Hence nothing was ever started, really. As for now, despite all those bitterness of the livelihood in the big city, it surprisingly gives me a very clear vision of that later thing. The starting point, however, is on my hand.
. .
Just in case, not too long from now I'd make a decision the future me would definitely regret.
6.3.14
i always thought that having my works being claimed by others is the worst thing might ever happen in my personal pursuit of finding a place in this world. turned out i could handle that just right.
however, as much as i am aware that i'm not that good as a human being, and as much as i understand that to feel good about themselves (sometimes might exceed towards the point of to feel much better than others) are just human's nature, i found it's just really hard to accept being wrong framed so that somebody else could be looked as doing good.
well, that's just emotionally exhausted me to the point i even did something so stupid such as writing a gramatically too much error of a too long a sentence.
pardon me.
i know i should not write anything when it's only my 'reddish' emotion in control. but i feel that one day i'd need to be able to re-recognize this kind of emotion. just in case.
now that i wrote this down, i could finally have a hopefully peaceful sleep.
1.3.14
#10.
ketika matahari masih setia dengan bumi yang tak tertebak,
haruskah berhenti setia dengan cita-cita yang jelas menanti di ujung jalan?
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