[playlist] #2. blue

1. Blue - Bigbang
2. Split Screen Sadness - John Mayer
3. Oceans. Sand. Trees. - Epik High
4. Sound Tracks of Makoto Shinkai's 5 cm per Second

....and you, the fading blue that won't disappear.



"supaya kamu seimbang.
supaya jiwa kamu mantap."

dan adakah cinta yang lebih besar daripada semua itu,
kecuali sebentuk saja salah paham gegara jembatan putus yang terlambat disambung.


[playlist] #1. home

1. Clarity - John Mayer
2. 93 Million Miles - Jason Mraz
3. Ii Hi Dattane - Depapepe
4. No Fruit for Today - Sore
5. Wonderwall - OASIS
6. Lucky - Jason Mraz (feat. Colbie Caillat)
7. Half of My Heart - John Mayer (feat. Taylor Swift)
8. Greatest Love of All - Whitney Houston
9. Eternal Love - PJ & Duncan
10. Piano Sonata No. 16 in A - Schubert
11. One - Depapepe
12. Say You Love Me - Simply Red
13. Untuk Perempuan Yang Sedang Dalam Pelukan - Payung Teduh
14. Ebony and Ivory - Stevie Wonder

untuk kamu, 
sebuah nama yang beresonansi dengan kata rumah di masa depan.


tanda. takut. bacaan.

Semenjak membaca "Manjali dan Cakrabirawa" Ayu Utami, entah mengapa rasanya saya semakin terobsesi pada "membaca tanda". Terobsesi mungkin bukan kata yang tepat. Rasa penasaran yang melonjak-lonjak tak wajar mungkin lebih tepat.

Bagi saya, tanda selalu berada di antara ketakutan dan bacaan. Ketakutan, untuk rasa takut. Bacaan, untuk sesuatu yang dibaca. Setelah itu, "hati-hati" pun menjadi bermakna ganda. Bukan lagi semata duplikasi hati, apalagi jaga diri. Ia menjadi pakai hati untuk takut, dan pakai hati untuk membaca. Karena (hanya) pikiran yang takut itu membutakan. Karena (hanya) mata yang membaca itu silap.

Memilah tanda di antara rasa takut, atau tanda di antara sekian sekadar bacaan, bukan perkara mencari jarum di antara jerami. Ia adalah mencari jerami di antara jerami. Satu helai yang mempunyai maknanya sendiri.

Satu kali saya berlatih dengan bertaruh. Satu kali saya berlatih dengan menetapkan. Bertaruh, apakah kiranya ini tanda atau hanya rasa takut. Menetapkan, bahwa ini adalah tanda, dan itu adalah bacaan tak bermakna. Lalu ada menang atau kalah. Lalu ada benar atau salah.

Tanda bukan tentang keempatnya. Ia memang bukan untuk saat-saat dengan kepala yang terlalu besar, hati yang terlalu tinggi, jiwa yang terlalu kecil.

Membaca adalah dengan nama tuhan. Adalah dengan keyakinan yang sedang tak bersekat.


Untuk jiwa yang berjaga semalaman
mengingatnya, ia pun menjanjikan penjagaan.

Untuk hati yang terjaga karena resah,
ada tentram yang tertahan pinta yang gundah.

Kepada sang maha penjaga,
kutitipkan dia yang lebih dari sebuah berharga.

"Reality is different from fiction. In fiction, things need to make sense."

(Source : Paulo Coelho)

ps : 

now i know why several lots of reality made no sense at all.

[music] FTISLAND - Severely.

akhir-akhir ini,
nggak bosan-bosannya dibuat guling-guling sama lagu ini.
lagu ya. bukan video.



seperti sediakala.
semuluk memassanya masa, 
karena ia sedianya beruntun satu demi satu.



Sepanjang jalan kau harap mimpi adalah tanda. Hingga sampai kau di satu bangku, dan tetiba kau ingin mimpi adalah cuma bunga. Lampu taman meredup, memaksa kau cepat beranjak. Tapi kau tak mau. Karena belum bersih benar hati dari harap-harap mimpi adalah tanda-tanda yang nyata.

Lalu hujan.

Kau terpaksa bergegas. Tanpa payung, langkahmu mau tak mau melaju. Sejenak saja harap-harap itu kau lupa. Tapi sisa-sisa hati yang sempat berharap tak akan pernah lupa. Ia mungkin tenggelam. Terkunci. Tapi tak akan pernah hilang.

Lalu kau takut.

Pada harap-harap yang kaubangun sendiri. Pada cemas yang belakangan jadi setengah-setengah kau percaya dan tidak. Lama-lama tanda-tanda yang kauharap mau datang lewat lelap tak ubahnya ketakutan hanya karena matahari sedang tidur.

Lalu hatimu pun tertutup.

Biar tanda atau bunga. Kau tak bisa bedakan. Mimpi menjadi hanya mimpi. Padahal ia menjadi bukan sekadar.
semoga segera berlalu. kuat. dan kembali sehat. selalu.
untuknya. untuknya. untuknya. untuknya.




when a destination turned into something who-able, 
you know your heart might not on its right place. 
when a destination turned into something what-able, 
you know your faith are through an examine.

when a destination is set-able,
you know there's no reason not to get there.


[music] Sungha Jung - (Jason Mraz) 93 Million Miles

the song has been on my top list in a playlist named "home".
i love the (original) song so much it hugged my heart tight, with those guitar and Jason Mraz's voice.
what else a longing-for-home heart needs?

ps : and as usual, Sungha Jung did well :)

This song reminds me to a day, exactly a year ago : my master graduation day. Nothing has pretty much changed since then, which is not something I should be proud of. Oh, one thing though, two publications generated from my thesis. One presented in a locally-held international conference and one published in the first edition of newly launched journal from a certain built-environment researcher association. Happy? No need to ask ;) Another 'portfolio' to put in a pocket for my future academic endeavor. 

One other thing was to be coincidentally involved in a project with the exact theme as my thesis. Super happy? I was, teheheee... And then, another two projects came along those required me to learn new thing which I thought more suitable for me, more than those design things : to generate a package of urban design guidelines using some kind of so called smart codes. Interesting, yet challenging. And even though in the end I came to conclusion that with such respectively unique characteristics of almost all places here, in Indonesia, it's not really suitable to apply such uniformity. Of course, unless it is alright to create a total different type of codes for a total different places. However, that was an interesting encounter anyway :)

So what's next? Sure I can no longer live the days without targets. I found it more exhausting. But, please, don't imagine then I live a life full of race. Don't imagine the targets to be something big, also. It could be as simple as taking institutional TOEFL test as preparation to retake the actual test (my previous one already expired three years ago), or starting to learn Japanese, or refreshing the old abandoned projects (searching for the list), or finishing either "Pulang" by Leila Chudori or "To Kill a Mocking Bird" by Harper Lee or "Kafka on the Shore" by Haruki Murakami, or signing up for a premarital school (yep, you heard it right), or starting to breakdown this year's big plan. 

Oh right, now I remember I do have a target, a goal, a big one. This year. I've marked the starting line. I've prepared the track. I knew the destination very well. However, this path, for most others is something unlikely.

They (might) called it pride, nonetheless, I (stick on) calling it plan :)


[music] (another side of) bad boy.

i can't really say i like the boy's voice, however i don't know why this performance touched me.

everything about 'Bad Boy', to me, somehow always related to Young Bae. 
there's this mysterious chemistry between him and the song.
or maybe it's just my feeling.

ps : no worries, YB really did not outshine the boy, instead he helped him pull out the best :)

[music] FTISLAND - STAY.

currently captivated by Lee Hong Ki of FTISLAND :")
and how come i (once) mistook them with boyband when they are actually a band *doh*

ps : their music, not all of them though, surprisingly, meet my ears <3
i picked this song since the title represent what i truly feel today :)

[journal] last days.

In my planner, written not too long ago, my last days of being twenty something should be awesome.

Done with works and deadline. Equipped myself with all the necessities. Set the itinerary. Got the ticket and booked the hotel. And while waiting for the travel date, read the last pages of the Holy Quran, as well finished Murakami's Kafka on the Shore, done with Pram's Tetralogy of Bumi Manusia, with poems of Sapardi and Avianti in between. Later on April the 8th took the flight to Ho Chi Minh City from Soekarno Hatta airport where I'd be waiting for the departures hour accompanied by my fifth (or sixth?) cup of Starbucks and a music playlist named "Dusty Spring". Later I'd spent a day sight seeing in the city before departing to Angkor Wat the day after, April the 9th. Wandering around among the old old old temple for three full day. And then I'd be going back to Ho Chi Minh City to take the flight back home.

Well that was the plan for my 30th birthday, which all turns out not being executed, even its tiniest detail.


One thing that should not be far too different from the plan is this :
I would ask for happiness no more.
The only thing left to wish is that for Ibu, Bapak, Adi, Mamah, Eyang Putri, Mbah dan Bik, the families, and the bestfriends to stay healthy and happy whenever and wherever they are, to give me chances to give them happiness at the very least as much as they always gave me.

So hereby, I bid you a for good farewell, dear twenty something. Those were good days, indeed, yet the better are about to come :')

Welcome the big three!!!


[music] Lee Hi - Am I Strange?

"I laugh when I’m happy, cry when I’m sad
It hurts when I’m poked, I get angry when it continues
I despair and I hope
Just like you

But there are a few things that I only have
A few things that are different from you
Several things that make me who I am

Am I strange? Where? How?
Am I strange? Why are you looking at me like that?
Why are you looking at me like that? Why?"

(Lee Hi - Am I Strange? / Album First Love)

credit / full lyrics