sejak kapan merindukanmu menjadi sebuah keinginan?
ketika hati tak tahu lagi harus berpatah asa ataukah berpasrah,
sedang setapak tetap mengarah ke balik bukit.


semarak malam,
perlahan meninggalkan kesunyian pagi
dan monolognya : 

embun terakhir yang jatuh
melebur dengan sisa bau hujan tadi malam.



aku (kembali) bertanya,
kali ini bukan kepada senja - jawabnya pernah menjadi sebuah cukup -
tapi kepada hati.

yang gelisahnya terpelihara,
dulu dengan bercangkir kopi hitam
kini dengan segelas cokelat panas.

begini : "apakah masih kamu mencari?"
tak berjawab. (ah, tapi dulu pun senja baru menjawab pada panggilan ketiga)

lagi : "apakah masih kamu menunggu?"
tak berjawab. (ya, ini masih panggilan kedua)

sekali lagi : "apakah masih kamu berlari kencang di tempat?"
pun masih ia diam. (baiklah, ini sudah yang ketiga)

aku pun (lagi) bertanya,
tetap kepada hati - karena hanya dia yang bisa menjawabnya -

"apakah masih kamu ingin sembunyi?"

dan pelan,
ia rebah.
ke pangkuan rasa yang berakar pada pemiliknya.



dear universe,
i planned, i choose, i decided
yet things never went right in line with yours.

so here's the deal :
starting from now, why don't you take over
please do the planning, listing the choices and make the decision.
for me.

just as you wish.
because, you know, people said that your wish is my command.

you don't seriously think i'd say that, or do you?


a day when the light starts to dim.

things i dearly miss :

having a slow morning, a jog a way and a cup of coffee later.
taking a photograph patiently, of sunrises and sunsets, with analog camera and one full roll of bracketing.
anxiously waiting for the pictures to be developed, getting hyped when the colors tone turned well and frowning when i found out that the film didn't roll! that happened.
reading a third-point-of-view book in the corner of a silent small library.
effortlessly writing a very personal-muse-driven poetry and sending them all to the universe.
doing things not because i am told that i was good at it. or because it was a cool thing to do. but simply because i love it and i once thought i could not live without it.
fall in love by heart, not mind. yeah, it happened almost all the time with me. weirdly, except on that one time.
solo travelling. oh i miss this one so damn much.

and you, long nights of autumn.