[journal] 2013,

the year i turned 30.
what's in a number? yet, it's not mere a number.

the year i moved out from where i always think of as a home.
and change is good.

the year i entrusted with a title i always long for.
now bear the responsibility.

the year when it finally came to mind, things i thought would never crossed my mind :
all i want is my mom and dad to be happy.

the year that might be the very last time for me to make such a reckless solo travelling.
well, i don't think so. guess there'll still be lots of solo trips. but a reckless one no more.

the year i felt like i'm fourteen again.
watching my favorite guys, being a fan girl to a heart content. and yes, it feels so good to be crazily in love.

the year i learnt to let go.
and letting go never equals to giving up.

the year i began to accept.
and to accept is indeed to give.

the year i dare to say i love myself more.
and nothing is really wrong with that.

the year i came to realize, i can't blame anything to "but, my heart said so".
you did not forget your senses, or did you?

the year i slowly detaching myself from things i shouldn't be too detached to.
distance is something to be embraced, not somewhere to escape to.

the year i choose, despite all, to feel complete and contented :)

Thank you 2013, for having me, to let me grow these ways...
and for all of you : have a wonderful better 2014, dears :)


“It is never my custom to use words lightly. If twenty-seven years in prison have done anything to us, it was to use the silence of solitude to make us understand how precious words are and how real speech is in its impact on the way people live and die.”

— Nelson Mandela


"At this stage in your life I don't think you're going to write anything worthwhile, no matter how much time you put into your novels," Miu said, calmly, unhesitantly. "You've got the talent. I'm sure someday you'll be an extraordinary writer. I'm not just saying this, I truly believe it. You have that natural ability within you. But now's not the time. The strength you need to open that door isn't quite there. Haven't you ever felt that way?"

"Time and experience," Sumire said, summing it up.

[Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart]

untitled #1

rindu ini tak punya nama,
ia tumbuh bukan pada hati,
dan besar tanpa jarak.

rindu ini lahir dengan berisik,
namun tak tertanda oleh telinga,
karena mereka sibuk ingin mendengar langkah-langkah (lain) yang mengendap.

rindu ini diam, tidak kemana-mana,
menunggu untuk dijawab,
menunggu untuk diberikan hati.

dibalik rimba pikiran,
yang diantaranya tak berjejak.


[notes] november without a goodbye.

broken hearts never compromised.
and time does not heal.

it's a journey to end it all.
it's the same one, to start things over.

making itinerary is the quest of a piece of mind,
and a solitude of soul.
making it (really) happen is an attempt to crystallized
what's not meant to be yours, from the very start.

november doesn't hold grudge,
it sent a question, it led the answer.

through the sky to the east i determined.

[travelnotes] my (first) BIGBANG concert.

..and why did I include a concert in a travelnote? It's because to me, just like a book, a music could also give you a chance to travel to another world you didn't even know it exists..

Prior the Party

From the moment it was confirmed that I got the concert (and the race) ticket, I got really really really excited. I could not believe that watching their concert, even though this one is the mini one, can be a reality in any time, soon. Well, I tried to calm myself down, getting the necessary things done, securing a permission to be off from my office on that very Friday, making sure things would be just okay at home while I'm leaving, and do the packing. Of course, the last one fail. I just did the whole packing things the night right before the flight, which resulted in I didn't get any sleep, at all. Well, partly because I was too excited I couldn't pack things briefly, hence I just finished packing 45 minutes before my taxi came to pick me up --"

At 3.15 early in the morning, my taxi took me to the airport. At 4.00 I already checked-in, followed by having some coffee and cinnamon roll, did the morning prayer, and waiting calmly at the boarding gate's waiting room. It was almost 5.15 when the boarding call heard, and at 5.30 I was ready in my plane that would take me to my boys *kyaa*. At 8.20 Singapore time, I arrived in Changi, passed the immigration, texted my mom, and finally at 9.00 took the MRT to get to the inn which took approximately one hour. After checked into the dorm, made my bed, and organized my things, I was ready to meet the boys. Yay! So off I go to the venue...

...of which when I got there, it was not so that 'yay!' anymore. The queue is really something >.< why did these fans need to wait that early, huh? Huh? Huh??? However, I needed my lunch, considering I only slept for (maybe) only one hour in the plane, or else I would be faint before I could even dance with them *yes, you wish*. So I got a quick grab of lunch, while observing my surroundings and found the VIP everywhere o.o I went into the line at around 12-12.30 and waiting aaaalll the waaaaayy until 15.00 when the gate opened. My big big mistake was that I didn't bring any mineral water with me, while the sun shine way too bright up there. In other words : it's so hot, boy! So first thing first after I passed the security check when the gate opened, was not running like crazy to the Padang Stage where the boys will be performing, but finding some water and then walk calmly to the spot. Well, thankfully not all the fangirls (or boys) were that crazy to fill up the venue eight hours before the show. At this case, I think I belong to the crazy ones --"

The stage. In the end, I end up watching the race only through the screens. I didn't think I could handle the noise, yet I also didn't want to loose the chance getting a strategic spot for the concert later that night.

And when I looked back, there're so many VIPs who couldn't get closer to the stage inside the fence. I was on the inside, by the way. Oh, at the background was Singapore's business district night skyline. Too bad it wasn't the background of the stage, isn't it :) *but I'll be busy enjoying the view of the boys rather than the skyline, though*

The grass, the sand, the red shoes. And the (very) long wait.

Yes, I'm ready to party! ;)

The SHOW! The Amazing PERFORMANCE! The LIVELY STAGE! The Five Eagle Boys!!!

I remember when I watched G-Dragon's concert in Jakarta last June, I also had similar situation as when I watched this concert. I didn't get any sleep, only got approximately one hour on the travel from Bandung to Jakarta. Well, the story was about to be repeated. Prior the start of the concert, I was really really really tired. And worried, what ifs. What if I was disappointed. What if the show didn't meet my expectation. What if I regretted watching the concert. What if I couldn't enjoy the stage. What if I lost my excitement. Thus I waited in silent, in a deep thought "do I really gonna watching this?". I smiled a little, though, when a video introducing the member was played on screen, which mean the show would start in any moment.

And again, suddenly all the anxiety disappear the second the firework started.

TONIGHT is a beautiful night! It was started! The boys were out!

And I started to jump, singing along, and shouted like any other fan girls (or boys) around me were doing. I suddenly forgot my plan to watch the concert calmly and wholly from the back near the border fence. To think again it was a stupid of me to ever plan so since I was sooo close to the stage T___T *latecry* But but buuutt... I manage to see the boys, their singing, their dancing, clearly. However, it's certain that my attempt to take pictures of them became an epic fail. The boys were just boys, getting all the hype coming together as five on a stage after a long long long time pursuing their solo acts, just imagine how they would shake the stage --"

So these were some of few I could take (and I’m sorry all of them were shaken T___T)

 Choi Seung Hyun aka T.O.P. 
The one who all he needed to do was just standing there and do nothing (oh, a very little smile and taking off the sunglasses would be desirable bonus) to make those girls crazily screaming --"

 Kang Daesung
The one with such wonderful voice and that angelic smile. Finally I could see his famous waving hand to the fans. Finally I could hear his notable high notes :’)

Kwon Jiyong aka G-Dragon
The most genius. A super talented leader of the boys, yet so humble. We meet again, there :) 

Lee Seung Hyun aka Seungri
The most adorable maknae. “I’m sorry my English is horrible. But I can sing, and I can dance, for all of you.” And suddenly I’m in love with this all-grown-up boy. He’s just too sweet *kyaaa*

Dong Youngbae aka Taeyang
Yeah!!! Finally I could see the Sun! I think I already wrote so much about him on my last post. All I can say is that, yes, he’s the most active on stage ;) No longer that kind of boy who popped out from a shoujo manga, but now more an artist in the making :”)

Now, have I told you that it really fells like a dream coming true to finally be able to attend their concert. It was indeed my dream. Fortunately, the one that came true :) I still can’t believe that I was watching them performing these list :
1.   Tonight
2.   Hands Up
3.   Fantastic Baby
4.   How Gee
5.   Stupid Liar
6.   Crooked  (GD Solo)
7.   Knock Out (GD TOP)
8.   High High (GD TOP)
9.   Gotta Talk to You (Seungri Solo)
10. Strong Baby (Seungri Solo)
11. Gara Gara Go
12. Number 1
13. Bad Boy
14. Feeling
15. Lies
16. Last Farewell
17. Crayon + Fantastic Baby (Encore, Remix)
18. Bad Boy (Encore)

Boy, I was spoiled. The list was among my favorites. Finally a Fantastic Baby and Bad Boy. Gara Gara Go and Number 1. Crooked. Feeling. LIES. And the one turning point : Stupid Liar. I just loveee the performance too much.

But on top of that, I could finally see the five of them come together. Such passion. Such individuality. Such harmony. Such a big bang to life. Oh, I can say no more. This’ just something I’d love to recommend every VIP to experience once in their life.

I am indeed a happy happy happy VIP! And next : another BIGBANG (not a mini one, for sure) Concert, somewhere, on the VIP rows. Yep, you read them right. Just remember : dreams do come true. For those who dare to make it happen.


Thank you, dear BIGBANG, for a wonderful night with such passionate performance (just like you always gave). I love you more, eagle boys, enough said :)

. . . 

Ps 1 : this post was completed with a company of their Big Show 2010 concert video, which made me think of how far these boys have gone :’)

Ps 2 : did I regret not being able to take any proper pictures of them? Actually I felt bad more for can not manage the temptation to take pictures, and not putting off my camera and enjoy more the party instead o.O Because just as Taeyang said in his newest song, "Ain't no party like Bigbang party, don't stop!" Yes, YB, I'm as much agree.

Ps 3 : now I can truly say "hat off to those fancams takers and gif makers" those had always given us happiness by providing high quality pictures and images of the boys :)

Ps 4 : see you again, boys! Soon. Somewhere East <3


[journal] the sun shines brighter.

Before I could continue on the rest of posts I promised myself to finish, I feel I must spill my feeling out. About this guy. About another sun in this universe. About one of inspirational figures I look up to.

Warning : this is another my fangirling session. You might not wanna continue reading this post, or not? ;)


And I assume you continue ;)

So, the sun is back. Brighter and hotter for sure. The full album hasn't been released yet, so I still can't say whether I love, or not, his recent musical acts. I can't really say that I love his recently released single, "Ringa Linga" that much, too, either. But no doubt, this video attracts me in some strange way. I never get bored replaying the video, over and over. I just can't get enough of the package : the music, the dance, and the strong passion and faithfulness towards a dream.

And when I say this guy is among inspirational figures I look up to, it's no joke. 

I'm usually drawn toward certain person, or figure, because of their 'similarity' with me. Not in term 'looked alike', but more of whether their presence resembles mine in certain way, or reminds me of mine in another certain way, or simply acts as an automatic reflector for me of which inside the mirror it could be my past or my future or both. The same rules apply here. 

From the very first time I discovered this guy until just now, I actually always wondering why did I admire him? What quality did I see in him as a superstar that is worth to be admired? How good he is compared to other superstars at his level? And just recently I found the answer. 

It is his passion, stubbornness, and faithfulness in his own aspiration. Started from the moment he decided to state out his dream. Tested through moments served as his pathway. Convinced by the improvements of his approach and his works. It's hard (for me) not to fall in love seeing him taking the full responsibility of what he dreamed himself. As hard (for me) not to be attracted to his seriousness and rigidity <3

Okay, I know very well he's a member of the now biggest KPop boyband BIGBANG (yes, I am well aware that I am very subjective here) which each of its member stands out equally strong with their own distinct qualities. So I am not gonna compare here. I admire the group just as much as I admire him as one of its member, as well as a solo artist himself. It's just hard to explain, but the reason stands alone. I heart this guy, with just heart :)

. . .

ps 1 : how could a man so passionate about what he loves to do not be considered sexy ;)
ps 2 : no matter how much bad-hair-day he had, once he smiles... sorry, how was his hair again? 
ps 3 : and yes, I love you too dear YB :* (responding to how often he said "I love you" to his audiences whenever he's on stage)

notes :
this post was made solely based on a highly-subjective series of observation and interpretation on his musical transformation, stage performances improvement, and media interviews, thus a highly biased composition.



tempat yang menahan air mata dengan senyuman
tempat di mana waktu berjalan lambat, hingga sore pun sempat duduk-duduk di teras depan
dengan secangkir kopi
semangkuk batang-batang coklat
dan pelajaran tentang mencintai setiap pilihan yang dibuat dengan hati.

bandung, 23 november 2013 pada suatu sore


at the train station.

they say night is still young,
but don't you think it's already old enough to bite you,
at heart?

the only place where night will never grow up is at the train station.

all the coming seconds were (in the end) always swept away
by those departing trains, with certain destinations set on its machines.

have you ever seen the times running there, at the train station?
have you ever seen them playing hide and seek with the departure announcement?
have you ever seen them holding tight to the platform's railing?

have you ever felt them shrinking into memories those were slipping into your luggage,
and just silently follow you home?

maybe that's why on that one time you said you had this weird feeling
of not wanting to step out on your very destination station.
you wished the train would take you back to the previous station where you step in.

that's when memories shattered the place of home in your mind.
that's when even a heart doesn't have any control of your decision,
that's when it got bitten by the too-old time.


"traveling solo is never an escape, nor a cure, for a lonely heart."

- me, at the (supposedly to be) last solo trip.

[travelnotes] September getaway, an intro : two nights three days.

So, September 2013 is another memorable month to me. I had a getaway of two nights three days in Singapore. It all began with one word : BIGBANG *kyaa*. And here's my story...

On a one fine day, while browsing my favorite sites, I stumbled into the news that my current (most) favorite (boyband) group will be performing at the opening concert of 2013 Singapore Grand Prix Formula 1. Knowing it, I got really excited, considering they haven't been on a stage as a complete team for quite a long time. I miss seeing their performance live, through fancams though I should add. It never crossed my mind to actually go to Singapore to see their performance. Not until a friend who was living there texted me, and excitingly ask me whether I'd go to Singapore to see them or not. She's not a fan of Bigbang, anyway, but she's been to some of previous Singapore GP's concerts. She told me that the single ticket for the first day (the practice day), including the opening concert should have a lower price. Curious, I checked the website, and yes, the single ticket for the first day was not really that 'pricey', but still the number gasped me. End of discussion (in my head), I'm not going!

On another (not so) fine day, I changed my mind. Oh well, what you can expect from a fangirl? *big grin* I blame it to one tweet from @KartuPos announcing a special offer for the first day's race and concert with a price which made me, ahem, didn't think twice to buy it. Shortly, I got it ;) And later I've realized other things : where to stay and how to get there, and how much those all will cost *dang* -__-" However, I could manage them just in time.

Where to Stay
Picking up the place to stay is always on top of my most important considerations whenever I was doing a solo travelling. Oh, by the way, yes, this was another solo traveling for me ;) It's just part of the safety procedures. I'm fully realized I already made my parents worried by (loving to) traveling alone, I don't need to add their anxiety by being careless throughout the journey. So I came up with several 'requirements' for the place to stay :
  • It has to be a hostel or dormitory type of lodging. Simply, I didn't have that much of budget >.<
  • It has to be specifically a girl dormitory, or at least a woman-only-room, with separate bathroom for men and women. I tried avoiding to bump into just any stranger male in the dark *eh*.
  • It must have a strategic location, near (or within a walking distance, 200 meters is maximum) from the nearest MRT Station. It's not that I didn't want to walk more than that. The concert will be starting at 23.15, and should be ending at 00.30 am at the earliest (actually it was extended until 00.45 for the encores). Well, if you think I would want to walk alone in some streets on someplace strange at those hours (plus the commuting time which took approximately 30-45 minutes), forget that thought.
Thankfully it's Singapore, a place where I (and my parents) were already quite familiar with. Through Agoda, it's not really difficult to find the place that meets those requirements. From the options left, I made my choice to stay at the Checkers Backpackers Inn in Little India District, 200 meters away from Little India MRT station. The price was quite reasonable for a double-deck ladies only room. The place was good enough to rest after spending most of the days outside. The room-mates were also okay. Actually, I didn't interact much with them as I spent most of the day outside and got back to the dormitory when they were already sleeping or even not yet came back. The only unpleasant thing I experienced was being at the same floor with a group of family from Indonesia, who seemed to not understand the meaning of staying in hostel or dormitory. Being so noisy, shouting to one another, I seriously thought they forgot that there're other people on the floor who wished to have some rest. And not to mention being so messy (and still noisy) in the bathroom *doh*. Oh, and to walk 200 meters from the MRT Station to the inn through some streets in Little India District at 01.30 am, ahem, I don't think I would want it again, ever! But, overall, the stay is good :)

How to Get There
This one is not as tricky as looking where to stay. For the first time, I took a budget airlines Air Asia, and as I put aside buying the tickets until last minutes, I was able to get a promo two-way ticket (yayy!!) which not so promo since I had the trip on weekend, but still, the price was more reasonable than when the last time I checked it. On the earlier plan, I should get the F1 ticket from @KartuPos on Friday noon, but then later I could get it days before while still in Jakarta. However, regarding the earlier plan, I already book the first flight for the departure day on Friday. The flight was at 05.30 am, which means I had to get at the airport at 04.30 am at the latest. Considering a one hour commuting time, I had to leave home at 03.30 am at the latest, well make it 03.15 am to be safe. This flight time had caused a little drama. I suddenly worried to go to the airport by taxi, alone, at that hour. So I try asking my friends about the possibility of riding a travel or shuttle bus (at least I only need to ride the taxi alone only until the travel/shuttle's pool), but no travel or shuttle operating at such hour T___T So, finally I muster my courage and decided to ride a taxi to the airport. Alhamdulillah I reached the airport safely just in time the check-in counter opened :) So started here, off we go!

The Itinerary
The main reason for this trip is, again, the Bigbang concert. But I feel it would be such a waste if I went to Singapore only for that purpose. The concert is on friday night, so I could have saturday and sunday to extend my visit. And so I did, as I remember having "unfinished business" there ;p So for the arrival day, I chose the 14.30 (Singapore time) flight on Sunday. That means I would have a two nights three day in Singapore ;)
Day-1 is the concert day, so automatically it can't be combined with any other plans *huhu*
Day-2 is a full-free-day. I just need to put in, ahem, a little time to do some shopping thing for the people back home and, ahem, my self for sure. 
Day-3 is a half-free-day. I just need to make sure that I won't be late for check-out and to go to Changi. Well, I wasn't late. I came back to the inn at 11.50 am for check out at 12.00 pm. I arrived at Changi at 14.00 for flight at 14.30. What a time (mis)management, girl --"
When the thought of extending my trip came, I already know just where I want to go in Singapore. The parks! But since the list were too long, I could only choose the top three T___T *gaahh I want to visit more* After a long strolling around the National Parks Board's website, these were my choices :

Okay, that's just too much for an intro. Next, I'll post the story about (my first time) watching Bigbang's performance live and about the parks :)


untitled #6

sinar matamu adalah buku yang paling ingin aku baca saat ini,
namun ia beraksara yang tak kupahami.

[journal] my (first) Bigbang concert, a teaser.

it was beyond of what I've imagined.

the five amazing eagle boys :
Kwon Jiyong. Dong Youngbae. Choi Seunghyun. Kang Daesung. Lee Seunghyun

on stage.
all five.
right in front of my eyes.
(i still can't believe it!)

singing. dancing. a high quality performance you think you could not ever expect from idols.

it was one of the finest night of my life. one good night to get high. 

a party vs a tranquility.
. . .
yes, you may call me an illogical fangirl. 
but what logic is there needed to enjoy such disorderly harmony?

ps : 
dear Bigbang, a wish list is accomplished and i love you even more
thank you for such a beautiful night, boys

[journal] moving out.

It's been quite a while since the last time I wrote a journal here. Now let me tell you one story which happened lately : I'm moving out. I'm moving out from my super comfort zone. I'm moving out from a city where I've been living for thirty years of my life. I'm moving out from a house where I grew up and store my mementos.

My very first thought of moving out actually happened while I was sorting the possibilities of where should I take my undergraduate collage. I was once thinking about going to capital city, learning psychology in that one yellow university. But then it never happened, instead I was going to a school of architecture in this very city. A city where I was born, growing up, and having my primary and secondary school. And so the thought disappeared.

Later, when I graduated, the thought came again. This time it even went further, not only to the capital city, but to some other neighboring countries. And of course it failed, instead I was accepted in an independent urban design institution in this very city, again, just right across my college, a fifteen minutes walk from home.

To be honest with myself, I could tell that working there was some kind of 'a dream coming true' to me : to work in an urban design institution (or consultant). So, just like when I was entering college, the thought of moving out disappear. Until the day I had a dream to have a graduate study overseas. For one more time, it doesn't work. Instead, I was accepted in a master program at the same place as where I pursued my undergrad degree. The same old story repeat itself.

Long story short, I got graduated and coming back to professional world as a freelance part timer in my previous office. Well, this time with a combination here and there so that it's not really just there. However, after some while floating on an annoying comfort zone, I reached the point where I realized I need to take the leap. Or I won't do it for the rest of my life.

So, I finally came to a day of what people called "last day". A last day in an office which had given me rooms to get to know urban design, a phrase that is still being one of the keywords of my dreams. Either those good times or bad times were both a just right combination to nurture my point of view towards professionalism. I learnt a lot, I missed a lot. But one thing I'm now really sure of, is that a dream could only be shattered with another dream, the bigger the new one the finer the old pieces left.

I never thought a farewell could bring such a melancholy. It was the moment of 'this time I'm going for not going back anymore'. Leaving a comfort zone, either it's a pleasant one or an annoying one, is indeed hard.

But I'm leaving anyway.


And now, I'm on the new chapter of life I've been longing for so long. The second phase. The (personal) life in between 'still belong to mom and dad' and 'building my own family'. Well, another dream coming true I might say : a phase of independently living away from home. Hmm, not really that independent though.

And how do I like it so far, if you ask?

Despite the fact that now I'm living in a city of traffic and speed, somewhere some people pointed it as 'a city where you get old on street', I'm (surprisingly) loving it. The routines, the almost-two-hours commuting time from home to office, the bring-the-lunch-myself, the packed bus, the weekly groceries, the weekly cleaning, the two-days laundry, the job, the solitude of depending only to myself on a daily basis, are all the (new) things to challenge me.

Okay, loving it might sound wrong. A love-hate relationship is more like it. A balance. Since there're also things I could not consider as challenge, such as a really really really poor pedestrian ways, a not-so-integrated public transportation system, dumb motorcyclist those take over pedestrian ways, unpredictable traffic, unreliable drainage system, and the too many hours spent on mobility. Indeed, I'm already spoiled with the comfort zone I left behind. But there's no other way than to survive, here. Or else I'd only be a walking zombie. And to survive means to be effective. Separating the needs and the wants. Being focused, and manage distractions as many as I could handle. Scheduling. Eat well, sleep well. Keep on time, on track of the destination.

Oh, and one thing, without a destination, all those things will only be meaningless. Thankfully, I had one :)


Living away from home I used to know, I could finally picture the 'home' I'm heading to. Not yet perfectly drawn, but the bigger picture could now be imagined. Slowly, I begin to understand of why did my life go this way. 

"It's time to stop driving. It's time to go home." (Gravity, 2013)

ps : Moving out is indeed scary. The reason I (finally) did it is because I want to be brave. As you know, no other way to be brave but by dealing with your fear.


untitled #7

matahari membakar malam dari balik bumi, menghanguskan senja yang bersisa di depan pintu, sebelum sempat ia mengetuk hati sang waktu demi satu jeda untuknya meninggalkan sebersit rona merah pada si langit.


untitled #4

cemburu adalah pagi yang mendung, siang yang terik, dan sore hujan badai.

menyembuhkannya adalah dengan sedikit merah, sedikit kuning, dan sedikit malam.

sayangnya cemburu tak pernah benar-benar lelap. ialah yang berjaga ketika ada penyelinap yang tiba-tiba menutup mata dari belakang.


untitled #9

malam tak pernah habis terbelah oleh perjalanan.
udara yang mengekor di setiap keberangkatan,
adalah sekaligus perekat bagi langit yang terderai oleh perpisahan.

ceritamu menitikkan setetes air di ujung bumi,
yang menjadi awan-awan penjaga sebuah pengembaraan,
dan peneduh tanah-tanah tempat pulang.

ceritanya, adalah yang kamu tunggu,
di balik sebaris "selamat kembali ke rumah",
sekalipun itu hanya hembusan nafas yang tarikannya kaulepas seperjalanannya lalu.



saat matahari tepat di atasmu,
percayakanlah semua pada bayang-bayang dirimu.

karena ia sedang yakin-yakinnya
dengan hati tertanam pada bumi :

tentang keraguanmu, yang menjadikannya ada
dan tentang kesepian itu tidak punya bayang-bayang.


[notes] cool.

who does not want to be cool.
i'm dying to be one.

but how i wish to hear "yeah, you're cool"
to come from within me, from all i got inside :
mind and soul.

i don't really need all the outsider to say so,
if it means i had to let my inner bear the pain.

and i don't think God had "cool" box on the list of His final examination for us.

[notes] bold.

i wanna be brave for me,
for i long too the firmer version of you.

if these were to scare you off,
i rather had you runaway with the scary image of me
than to give up being bold for the future ahead the two of us.

maybe you're just not so for me.
maybe we're not meant to grow together.


selamat pagi.

suatu hari pagi datang pelan-pelan,
menghapus merah dari subuh
dan menebarkan debu-debu penanda adanya matahari.

embun pergi pelan-pelan,
membawa sisa-sisa nafas menderu
pelingkar malam-malam pencari bintang.

matahari berbincang lama-lama,
dengan balik bumi yang diucapkannya sampai jumpa
setiap warna-warna merah subuh menjemputnya.

dan aku berbaring lurus-lurus,
menekan telapak tangan kuat-kuat ke tanah
berharap bumi mau berhenti berputar sebentar saja.

karena sekali waktu
tidakkah kamu ingin menahan pagi dalam beberapa jarak,
untuk sempat memberikannya senyum pertamamu?


hujan malam.

karena hujan
datang dan pergi seperti suatu yang tanpa batasan

tetes dan tetes berebut turun ke bumi di waktu gelap,
merasa diri yang paling terang
untuk sang langit yang memang malam

karena hujan
pembuat jalan pulang yang tak pernah tersesat

berkejaran dalam lingkaran yang sama,
dari laut lalu ke langit
lalu turun ke hati
membasuh rasa-rasa yang berkarat oleh ingatan

dan malam,
berpura-puralah ia dalam kesepiannya
sementara di balik layar ia diam-diam bahagia berdansa bersama rerintik, yang lagi sedang pulang.



musim mendatangkan cita-cita,
musim juga yang membesarkannya

musim lalu membiarkannya terbang,
atau menguburkannya dalam-dalam, membusuk hingga terurai

musim juga yang memanggilnya kembali,
mengadakannya dalam satu tiupan angin seperti ia membalik diri

september datang saat musim sedang di tengah-tengah membalik arah,
tersenyum dari samping memenuhi panggilan tetibanya

yang selalu ingat waktu september dibiarkannya berlalu.


ingatkah kamu ketika suatu hari kita bertengkar tentang warna purnama?
kamu bilang bahwa ia gading seperti kelambu tua di kamar nenek. aku bilang ia oranye seperti matahari pada gambar-gambar anak kecil. lalu dia datang dan bilang bahwa ia putih.

lalu ingatkah kamu ketika beberapa lama setelah itu kita saling berbicara tentang rasa sepi?
kamu bilang sepi itu seperti warna merah yang tegar sendiri. aku bilang ia seperti warna biru yang sendu. lalu lagi-lagi dia datang dan bilang bahwa sepi itu lagi-lagi seperti warna putih.

akhir-akhir ini kita sibuk menginginkan hal yang tidak biasanya kita inginkan. kamu dan aku sama-sama ingin menulis cerita pendek saja, tentang persaling-silangan warna-warna, yang berakhir dengan putih. hingga di akhir hari, kita tidak juga bisa mengingat mana yang berlawan dengan mana. lalu ia datang, duduk di antara kita dan bercerita. tepatnya menelurkan dari mulutnya pasangan-pasangan warna yang (tadinya) ingin kita rangkai itu. persis. kamu lalu mencatatnya, berterima kasih, kemudian pergi.

tinggal aku dan rasa ingin tahu yang masih bersisa : kenapa putih?

dan ini katanya : tidakkah kamu ingat, sebelum mata kita, bukankah segala sesuatunya adalah putih?

rasa penasaranku pun (rasa-rasanya habis).


[catatan] pertalian.

"aku hanya ingin kamu tahu, kalau aku mengerti bahwa kau tidak bisa mengerti.
pengertian ini kuberi bukan untuk kau beri anggukan kepala begitu saja, memang.
katamu berbeda dengan kataku. ini mungkin jadi adalah satu bukti ikatan darah.

dan aku hanya ingin menerima selapangnya bahwa kau tidak mengerti,
bukan dengan berbalik arah pada apa-apa yang kiranya kau yakini pengertiannya.

karena ketika darah saling bertali, ada ujung-ujung yang berkibar bebas satu pada barat, 
satu pada timur. membidik cita-cita masing-masing, 
yakinlah tak salah arah karena ada ujung-ujung lainnya yang saling terikat.
yang saling bergantung berbagi kekuatan menarik busur.

sejauh itu, mari sama-sama mengerti :)"


tempat bertolak yang mengakarkan senyum pada hati.
suara yang terpantul sepanjang jalan lekat pada ingatan,
tak terpegang. tapi tak terlepas.

tempat pernah kuminta hatiku untuk bermain-main tanpa perlu berhati-hati.
wangi mahoni yang bertanya-tanya, di mana hujan di mana kemarau,
tak terjawab. tapi tak terhenti terlontar.

tempat yang harus ditinggalkan, menantang kesedihan dan ketakutan,
belenggu akan masa depan yang tak pasti.

karena ia pasti akan kembali, pada masa depan yang padanya sampai perjalanan kita : rumah.


[catatan] sketsa suara.

Dalam postingan saya di tanggal 28 Juli 2013, saya menuliskan bahwa saya ingin menuliskan sesuatu terkait tulisan-tulisan saya, khususnya yang memiliki label 'sketsa suara'. Hal tersebut, sekali lagi, berawal dari sebuah kicauan yang muncul di hari yang sama, yang sejujurnya cukup membuat saya kaget dan mungkin sedikit, ehm, keki.

Lalu, beberapa hari yang lalu entah kenapa saya iseng menelusuri tulisan-tulisan saya pada layanan blog lainnya, dan saya menemukan satu tulisan saya yang berisi tanggapan saya terhadap kasus serupa. Tentu saja, lagi-lagi adalah kasus saya sendiri yang saya alami kira-kira setahun yang lalu. Waktu itu saya membuat tulisan tersebut bersifat privat, atau tidak saya publikasikan. Setelah saya baca ulang, saya rasa tulisan tersebut masih sangat relevan untuk saya sampaikan terkait masalah yang saya sebut di atas tadi. Secara kebetulan, tulisan tersebut juga masih dapat dikatakan mewakili perasaan saya, dan saya harap cukup netral dalam menyampaikan pandangan saya.

Berikut ini saya salin kembali, dengan editing seperlunya tanpa mengubah inti, tulisan saya yang ditulis pada tanggal 3 Agustus 2012 . Mohon maaf sebelumnya karena tulisan tersebut saya tulis dalam bahasa Inggris.

Lately I feel quite shock to find some of my writings (on my other blog) being copy-pasted into an online forum, by a certain account, under with poetry themed threads to that, without giving any credit. Well, I am now still in a phase of trying to get this, and certainly not that I accept such kind of claiming.

However. let me give my thoughts on it.

First, please allow me to go blowing first.

Any form of writing, including poetry, is a process. It is a process of conveying one’s thoughts or feelings to other’s, despite whatever the motives are.

Intermezzo : and it’s just natural if every once and then we found some pieces of writings, be it an essay, a poem, or even a quote, those were strongly in line with our thoughts or feelings. Often we ‘borrow’ them to convey ours. Based on literacy etiquette, this is acceptable as long as we attached the credit of who has written them.

Words, I agree, belongs to anyone with passion of expression, those with needs to communicate with the world, with others, even with oneself. However, it is hard for me to believe that there would be two minds those think exactly alike or two hearts those feel exactly alike, of which each would result in lines those are exactly the same one to another.

That’s why I was strongly surprised when I found the exact duplicate of (some of) my writings in an online forum, without any credit and not even in a form of quote. So I just can’t help wondering, was this person really had been through the exact same events such those I'd experienced, encounter the exact same person in his/her life such whom I met, and dealing with the whole things the exact same way such I did? And I just can not find any common senses those could lead me to answer, “well…it could be”. Moreover, with that-everybody-must-be-agree-with paradigm that each individuals are unique and special and had their own ways, the answer would definitely be a “no, I don’t think so”.
Now, let's get cooling down. 

I’m not a copy-right nor a 2.0 Version of anything expert. However, the day I decided to start posting my poetry online, I was fully aware of this kind of thing, yet today I found that facing it in reality turns to be a total different matter. I’m trying though yet I won’t really take this hard, on me.

So this is my stand point. Writing is indeed a journey, never a destination. As much as every person is special, so do their journey. You might copy pasting other’s destination (yes, I intentionally use 'destination' here) and claim it as yours, but you could never copy paste their journey. In other words, pardon me, you might copy and claim my works, but you could never copy and claim what's made it. Even the same travel itinerary would reflect several different experiences for different persons, don't you think so?

Nevertheless, despite my writings were still far from anything good, I couldn't not respect my own process for eventually being able to convey my thoughts or feelings those way. Therefore, at the very least allow me to say this : “please do credit when taking out anything from here.” Okay, that’s it. My business is done. The rest is yours and your consciences ;)

I can’t thank you enough to those who appreciate my writings in many ways : those who love them, hate them, gave comments on them, criticized them, re-posted them with credit, or even silently reading them. 

Thank you :)

Demikian. Rasanya saya tidak perlu berpanjang-panjang lagi. Mudah-mudahan baris-baris yang sudah saya beri warna biru di atas cukup menggambarkan bagaimana sikap saya akan masalah ini. Sebagai penutup izinkan saya, sekali lagi, mengutip seorang penyanyi idola dalam penggalan liriknya:

"The lyrics that I’m writing with no space in between have my philosophy" 
(G-Dragon of Bigbang - A Boy, lyrics credit)

I believe that every journey worth to be recorded, whether it stored privately or shared publicly.
Be grateful with ours, that's the main source of what people might called 'inspiration'


deretan langit di atas pantai utara itu berarak,
mencatat hari yang raya
lalu membuangnya ke laut.

karena ia ingat akan ombak-ombak yang bergelung-gelung hingga ke darat,
tak terhitung kalinya dalam rentang waktu mana pun
maka pikirnya, tak mengapalah,
catatan-catatan itu akan selalu kembali.


karena hari ini raya oleh sujud-sujud yang mengombak selangit sebumi.

. . .

puisi di atas tidak ada hubungannya dengan hari raya, mana pun. yang ada, adalah ini :

"Minal Aidin wal Faidizin. Mohon maaf lahir dan batin, untuk segala coretan tulisan maupun komentar dan tanggapan yang kiranya kurang berkenan di hati. Semoga hari yang fitri menjadi titik awal baru yang lain lagi bagi kita untuk menjadi hamba-Nya yang lebih baik."

Ied Mubarak! 


[catatan] memori.

"perjalanan dengan kereta malam membawa kita tenggelam di dalam memori-memori. begitu senang kita terhanyut, begitu kalut kita mencoba menyelamatkan diri. kita tak sadar pelampung sedang tak ada. kita tak ingat bahwa seasingnya memori adalah ia ikut menua bersama kita. tak ada memori yang abadi. ia akan mati begitu kita sadar ia sama tuanya dengan kita. bahwa ia tak lebih dari bayang-bayang akan keputusan-keputusan yang pernah kita buat. ketika kita terlalu terhanyut, maka tak terpercayalah keputusan-keputusan kita itu."

[malam ketiga puluh]



mereka bilang hujan itu tirai
saya bilang, hujan itu selimut. selimut tampal.
tampalannya terambil dari rintik-rintik yang tak sampai ke tanah,
namun selalu merindu pulang ke langit.

mereka ingin menyusup dalam doa yang diam-diam terlantun
oleh hati yang kedinginan (yang lalu pasti mendamba kemul, sehingga jadilah mereka)
karena katanya, di hari-hari hujan, semua doa naik ke langit.

tak ada yang tertinggal,
tak juga serintik yang belum sempat jatuh ke tanah.

saat doa-doa naik ke langit, hati menjadi hangat
dan tampal lalu mengurai.

malam ganjil, juga genap,
berseling adalah tangga jalan pulang doa-doa pada  rumahnya.


[happiness today] remember back in the day.

"Shout to the world with your cool voice, shine alive"

Listening to this song today I've just realized it actually has a deeper meaning than what I thought. It sounds like G-Dragon wrote this song as somewhat-like-a-self note to himself. That is a note to remind his nowadays-self of his dream back then. Even though it has already past ten years of him walking on his very dream. Still, he kept reminding himself not to forget his dream then.

Well, I think it's actually nice to have unusual ways to contemplate, to mark the numbers of your life so they wouldn't end up just as numbers. Oh, and my favorite part of the lyrics : "The lyrics that I’m writing with no space in between have my philosophy" (lyrics credit).

I really got something to say related to that line. Something very personal about my writings in this blog, be it the serious ones or the casual ones. Something started with this status. But, first thing first, let me have this head cooled down first, shall we? ;)

So, a bright blue sky and ocean for a relaxed head and a clearer mind? Sure with younger version of the five eagle boys in white. Perfect :) *pardon my obsession .__.*

And as I always thought, my boy is the cutest coolest :*


[intermezzo] L.O.N.D.O.N.

Suatu hari saya harus menjejakkan kaki di kota London! Berdiri di depan pintu gerbang Olympic Stadium, sambil meminum segelas kopi take-away dan mengayun payung putih transparan. Sambil sesekali melihat ke arah putaran the London's Eye. Dan berharap-harap cemas kamu tidak lupa waktu pertemuan kita sesuai perjanjian di satu waktu lalu kala dunia mimpi kita pernah saling terhubung dan saling mendesak satu sama lain. Saya tak sabar menunggu saat mendengar kamu memperkenalkan dirimu nanti, apakah benar kamu adalah sang pencatat. Dan mungkin kamu juga tak sabar menunggu saat mendengar saya memperkenalkan diri nanti, apakah benar saya adalah sang tanda yang kamu tunggu.

Lalu setelah bertemu dan saling tersenyum nanti, kita berdua akan sama-sama berjalan menuju taman terdekat dan menggambar kota ini. Saya akan berdebar-debar ingin tahu warna apa saja yang akan kamu pilih. Apakah seperti pilihan saya, ada warna merah, hijau, dan putih? Atau kamu justru lebih memilih warna hitam, putih, dan abu-abu?

Tapi nyatanya kamu tak mengambil satu warnapun, kecuali kelabunya pensil. Kamu cuma bilang, "pertemuan tak perlu warna. Kalau sekarang kira bersepakat untuk sama-sama menyimpan hari ini, mungkin besok-besok saya akan menggunakan sedikit merah dan mungkin juga sedikit hijau. Bagaimana?"

Lalu hujan turun.

Saya diam, dan membuka payung putih transparan, dan memegang gagangnya demikian sehingga tepat berada di antara saya dan kamu dan menaungi sedapatnya masing-masing kita. Tidak lebih besar pada bagian kamu, tidak juga lebih besar pada bagian saya. Hujan yang tak memilih satu dari kita untuk tetap kering tentu tahu, ada sebuah anggukan yang tak perlu terbahasakan.

Dan saat itu, kita akan sama-sama tahu. Bahwa mimpi adalah bunga tidur : sebuah pemutaran segulung memori dari masa depan.


[catatan] jauhkanlah!

Ketika kita meminta kepada Tuhan untuk didekatkan pada hal-hal baik dan dijauhkan dari hal-hal buruk, ada dua cara (yang saya rasa sudah saya lihat sendiri) Tuhan mengabulkannya. Yang pertama, kamu ditempatkan di tengah hal-hal baik, atau yang kedua, kamu ditempatkan di tengah hal-hal yang (mungkin) tidak baik. Dua-duanya adalah ujian. Yang pertama, adalah ujian dengan kemudahan, dan yang kedua, adalah ujian dengan kesusahan (atau tantangan). Keduanya adalah sama-sama untuk menguji keteguhan keinginan kita berada di dekat hal-hal baik dan jauh dari hal-hal buruk. Yang satu menguji ketergodaan kita untuk larut dalam kesenangan, dan yang satu menguji kesabaran kita untuk tidak luluh pada kesedihan.

Karena sesuatu yang sifatnya akhir, sudah disiapkan olehNya di ujung. Dan selama kita masih bernafas saat Dia memberikan kita jawaban atas permintaan tadi, maka bolehlah kita yakin ini belum ujung. Maka itu adalah kata lainNya untuk kita dari pikirkan baik-baik apa arti jawabanKu ini menurutmu, jangan terlena dan jangan berputus asa. Lalu yakinlah dengan seyakin-yakinnya, bukan berdasar akal. Karena akal seharusnya sudah mendahului sedari awal. Bukan pula berdasar rasa. Karena kamu tak tahu apa yang menyusup di sana.

Maka apabila kita dilingkari oleh hal-hal baik, bersyukurlah. Dan jangan berlarut dalam rasa aman yang ilusif. Dan apabila kita dilingkari oleh hal-hal buruk, mohon ampunlah. Dan jangan berlarut dalam rasa takut yang bisa jadi hanya imajinatif.

Jauhkanlah kami, Tuhan, dari membaca jawabanMu sesukanya.

[notes] preparation.

getting ourselves being well prepared of rejections doesn't always mean we can't prepare being accepted. you know, they said that fortune favors the bold. but some other said chances favors the prepared. to agree, i choose the later.


[catatan] tentang memilih.

"Ayah tak ingin kau menjadi seseorang yang tak bisa memilih sepertiku. Ayah terpesona oleh banyak hal, mengelana ke berbagai macam pemikiran tanpa punya keyakinan yang tetap. Aku hanya yakin pada diri sendiri, bahwa keinginanku hanya terus-menerus berlayar. Atau menggunakan bahasa Maman, aku terbang seperti burung camar tanpa ingin hinggap. Akibatnya, nasib yang memilihku. Bukan aku yang menentukan nasib."

[Pulang, Leila S. Chudori - hal. 448]

"Tetapi di kejauhan itu aku malah melihat Alam yang duduk sendirian di bawah pohon kamboja. Dia menatapku terus-menerus, terpusat padaku dan mengikat aku. Sedangkan di belakangku ada Narayana. Ayah, kau benar. Lebih mudah untuk tidak memilih, seolah tak ada konsekuensi. Tetapi seperti katamu, memilih adalah jalan hidup yang berani."

[Pulang, Leila S. Chudori - hal. 450-451]


Saya lupa kapan terakhir kali saya sedemikian terpesona dengan buku yang saya baca, sampai-sampai saya tidak mau melepaskannya dan merasa harus menamatkannya saat itu juga. Saya lupa kapan terakhir kali saya begitu larut dalam untaian kalimat yang bercerita tentang hal yang sama sekali asing bagi saya.

Semua gara-gara "Pulang", sebuah novel karya Leila S. Chudori yang, jujur saja, awalnya saya beli hanya semata rasa penasaran saya. Begitu banyak orang yang merekomendasikan buku ini. Begitu banyak ulasan positif yang diberikan kepada sang penulis. Membaca sinopsisnya saja tidak cukup menggerakkan saya, hingga untuk beberapa lama buku tersebut hanya menjadi pengisi rak buku saja. Ketika beberapa hari yang lalu saya tetiba merasa ingin membacanya dan mengambilnya begitu saja dari rak, saya tidak menyangka akan merasa harus menghabiskan 451 halaman itu secepat-cepatnya.

Judul buku ini begitu dekat dengan sebuah keseharian, pulang. Saya tidak menyangka bahwa 'konsep' pulang dalam buku ini adalah sangat sederhana, sekaligus sangat asing. Buku ini menampar saya, melelehkan air mata pada beberapa penggal cerita, menaikkan temperatur hati pada beberapa baris yang menyala, memberikan rasa dingin yang rasanya lama sekali berganti dengan rasa hangat, dan akhirnya memutar-balikkan beberapa hal yang saya yakini selama ini (yakini? Mungkin tidak belum sedemikian).

Dua potong bait dari buku ini yang saya kutip di atas, adalah bagian terbaik dari buku ini, bagi saya. Begitu banyak akar untuk ditelusuri. Begitu banyak cabang untuk dijelajahi. Begitu banyak pilihan, bahkan untuk sebuah sejarah, untuk diyakini. Ternyata. Saya tidak pernah cukup bertanya rupanya. 

Sebuah "pulang", belum pernah senyata ini. Belum pernah seasing ini.


Ingin sekali menumpahkan "pulang", apa daya hati tak sampai.


janji musim.

janji menunggu musim di bangku taman,
tempat ia terucap,
tempat ia terlupa.

karena ia bukan berbalut waktu,
ia adalah pembuntut hati-hati yang mabuk
lalu menyeret musim untuk jadi penaung.


[notes] when it was 8 out of 10,

...you might have a "why only 8, why not 10?" or a "be thankful, you'll never know who'd actually put a 10 effort and only got, let's say, 6. And by the way, did you actually got an 8 for an 8 effort?" instead.

Just now, I'm grateful I had both :)

[music] OST from Despicable Me 2.

these are my current favorite songs :')
so simple so just right.

...‘Cause sunshine due is just a cloud away...

...because I'm happy...


[notes] next year.

pardon me for this impulsiveness, dear the adult me. but, honestly speaking, i don't have any intention to use this yellow crown stick anytime in the next years. 


so please, just let me for this year, would you?
*crossing finger for september .___.*

[catatan] tentang hujan.

Saya adalah perempuan penggemar tulisan, dalam hal ini puisi dan lirik lagu, tentang hujan. Rasanya tidak pernah bosan mendengarkan kata "hujan" sedemikian sering terlontar. 

Jenuh, tentu sesekali ada.

Lalu saya bertemu sebuah film animasi Jepang berjudul "The Garden of Words" - yang sejujurnya belum saya tonton - dengan lagu-lagu temanya yang hampir semuanya 'berbau' hujan. 
A Rainy Morning.
Greenery Rain.
Rain of Recollection.
While Hearing Sound of Rain.
A Silent Summer.
The Afternoon of Rainy Day.

Mendadak rasa jenuh itu hilang. Mendadak ada sosok hujan yang lain yang saya kenal yang bisa kembali saya tuliskan (atau sekadar lamunkan). Tentu saja, karena hujan adalah satu kumpulan puisi tersendiri, yang seperti dirinya juga : tidak akan ada habis-habisnya. Ia mungkin hanya belum turun. Atau, ia hanya terlihat sama begitu saja dari waktu ke waktu. Padahal tidak pernah demikian adanya.

Tidak ada hujan yang pernah sama.


hujan hijau.

malam ini hujan berwarna hijau.
ada seteru antara biru dan kuning.
sisa-sisa nila dini. sisa-sisa jingga senja.

malam ini hujan berwarna hijau.
mungkin biru dan kuning saling bertaut sudah,
setengah tetes setengan tetes, menjadi satu hijau yang utuh.

malam masih panjang,
hanya reda hujan yang tahu
adakah hijaunya nanti berurai kembali saat menyapa tanah,
atau apa adanya menjelma embun pada dedaun dan rerumput.

malam ini hujan berwarna hijau.
membawa rindu yang berbungkus sunyi
pada sepasang telinga yang sedang tertutup.

terinspirasi sebuah judul lagu "Greenery Rain", salah satu lagu tema dalam anime "The Garden of Words"

[notes] black hole.

the day i fell in love with words was the day i chose 
to face my fears in silent.
the day i fell in love with writings was the day i chose 
to have the battle with my trauma in a safe way.

that was the day i started to deny that there's a big black hole within me.


[journal] Ramadan.

Semoga bulan yang penuh berkah ini menjadikan kita semua manusia yang lebih baik. 
Yang lebih ikhlas. Yang lebih berbesar hati. 
Yang lebih berpikir. Yang lebih merasa. 
Yang lebih dekat kepada-Nya.

Ramadan Kareem :)

Mohon maaf lahir dan batin,
khususnya untuk setiap coretan dalam blog ini yang kurang berkenan di hati


[Juni] malam.

tahu-tahu Juni sudah berakhir.
di hari terakhir ia pulang subuh. ingin memperpanjang barang beberapa jam, katanya.
tapi sayang sekali, Juli adalah si teguh yang sudah mengambil tempatnya.
sehingga Juni tak bisa pulang.
rumahnya sudah tergeser.
malam ternyata bisa tak setia dalam menjaga.

yang tersisa hanya lah surat yang datang di jam yang tidak biasa, pukul empat pagi :
"aku masih menunggumu di sini,
di bawah mata besar,
di depan gedung yang semuanya serba lebih, tempat mereka berpesta setahun yang lalu.
dua musim, empat musim, tanpa musim, tak ada dalam kamusku.
menunggumu tak tertandakan oleh waktu.
boleh aku masih berharap saat kamu tiba nanti, kamu akan membawa selamanya?

mungkin dengan begitu aku bisa memaafkanmu."

tunggulah September, lalu Oktober, dan akhirnya November membawa jawaban.
karena Juli dan Agustus terlalu malas untuk menulis,
bahkan untuk hanya satu baris :

"aku (pun) merindukanmu. separuh nafas. sehabisnya waktu. berkalinya jarak."


budget airlines.

apparently there's no cheap flight to your heart.

[notes] architecture.

i love urban design. i love landscape. on top of those, landscape urbanism.
but just now, i suddenly miss architecture. so much.

i'm not even an architect. never been a good student of it, too, to add.
but there's always something about architecture that i could not explain that somehow 'touch' me.
for all these long, since graduation, all i ever did was just thinking about how a city should be. how the environment supposed to be handled. and so on. and so on.
i forgot how to feel the small spaces. shelters. homes.
i forgot how big things, all of them, started small.

it's not that i want to turn back time. nor to take the u-turn, even if it's still available.
it's just next time i should remind myself to feel more, to thank more, of small spaces
those give me real shade and some grounds to stand.

ps : maybe i'm just not yet working on the right urban design. or even landscape. ones those fit what i actually seek for.

[music] Daesung - I Love You (radio preview)

I'm just wondering, is it THAT hard for anyone any producers of that big entertainment agency to make a really good song, a good one that could fit this beautiful voice?

As for Daesung, I <3 his voice just like I always do :*

ps : oh, and though he's almost always doing a cover, he's doing it with the right choice for the songs :)

Source : BBU


[catatan] mengelus hati.

Sejak sering mengingat-ingat kembali buku novel "5 Cm", saya mendadak suka sekali sebuah frasa yang melekat pada karakter Zafran (tokoh favorit! kedua setelah Genta dan Riani satu paket ;p), yaitu "mengelus hati". Mungkin itu karena akhir-akhir ini saya banyak sekali menemui hal yang dapat saya bilang masuk kategori "mengelus hati". Hal-hal yang biasa saja dan ada di sekitar saya setiap hari, tapi akhir-akhir ini keberadaannya justru semakin keras mencubit hati saya.

Seperti kombinasi cuaca panas-tak-santai dengan kamar tidur nyaman milik sendiri di mana saya bisa bebas berguling-guling sampai rasa gerah itu hilang. Petemuan antara batas waktu pekerjaan dan rasa berdebar-debar mengira-ngira apakah bisa selesai atau tidak. Suara air mengalir ketika mengambil air wudhu. Halusnya lantai parket kayu masjid kesayangan. Pulang ketika jalanan masih sangat ramai. Suara penyanyi kesukaan di satu lagu tertentu yang sangat melekat padanya. Ingatan tentang kapan terakhir kali memeluk ibu dan bapak. Rasa bahagia yang otomatis muncul saat mendengar kabar seorang saudara baik akan melangsungkan pernikahannya. Cerita-cerita teman-teman akan bagaimana harinya. Pertanyaan panjang lebar yang hanya dijawab oleh satu kata, yang disingkat. Ingatan akan Aki dan Si Mbah. Permintaan Eyang untuk menikah empat bulan lagi. Mengukur Bandung - Jakarta di setiap minggu. Lalu ada wangi teh aroma peppermint.

. . .
Dan sekali waktu, seperti langit Jakarta sore ini.


[catatan] meditasi (1)

"...adalah ketika benak kosong sekosong-kosongnya. Tak ada beban, maupun lamunan, apalagi khayalan. Ketika kedamaian diri bukan lagi ketenangan yang dibuat-buat, tapi adalah penerimaan akan gejolak emosi diri yang apa adanya, dengan pilihan menyikapinya yang tidak seperti biasanya."

ps : Jadi, terima saja kalau diri merasa kesal luar biasa, merasa dibodohi sangat, merasa cemburu sekali, dan semua jenis emosi lainnya yang menguasai diri secara berlebih-lebihan. Sambil sebisa mungkin diam, bukan ceritanya menenang-nenangkan diri, tapi cukup tidak banyak-banyak memikirkannya. Sambil mencari jalan keluar terbaik dari jeratannya, tentu saja :)


[notes] saturation.

surrealism gives you one or two extra breath,
while fantasy kills your very imagination.
surrealism is like adding a second to your first twenty-four hours of loving,
while fantasy is more like making a minute of having a heart broken to last forever.
surrealism gives you time to not thinking much,
while fantasy gives you no time to think much.
surrealism is somewhat like putting your feet extra carefully at the very edge of that deadly cliff,
while fantasy is indeed like pretending you had the wings to save you when you're about to fall off it.

this is not a battle,
just a stand point. a point zero on one level of being aware towards "i'm alive"
which might be repeated on any other level, later.

this is not a battle,
because both are having the saturation point at one hundred and no less.


[Juni] penyeberangan.

kesunyian adalah jalan layang yang membelah pantai, juga sesekali sawah
bersama deretan mobil berkecepatan 1 kilometer per jam
berkejaran dengan matahari yang memerah dan merendah
untuk lebih dulu sampai di rumah, tempat hati sekali lagi terpejam.


[notes] a song for a pinkish future.

This is the most beautiful stage on G-Dragon's 1st World Tour : One of A Kind Concert I attended last Saturday. He sang one of his ballad type single, "Butterfly", which I hardly love for some illogical reason. His voice, especially in this song, is so addictive I don't think I could ever get over it. The stage, the performance was perfect, with digital visual art in the background as beautiful as I imagined it would be. The illustration fit the song perfectly. 

[Pinkish. Cloudy. Windy. With butterfly puppets along the stage.]

I was speechless, nearly wanted to shed some tears (and I still do, whenever I remember back the show). The song itself hold some special meaning to me, like I said before, for some illogical reason. You know, sometimes people have tendency to keep their memory labelled with certain song as its sign. And normally, it would be song that was a hit or often played during the time when the occasion happened. Both the occasion and song came from the very same dimension of time. 

But, every now and then, there were some exception. Those were when both the occasion and song came from the very different dimension of time. Well, in case of which the song came from an earlier time than the occasion, it would still make some senses. But when the song came from the future... that is another story. And this song is about the last. When I first heard this song, I automatically remembered a package of occasion which happened to occur long time before, years back when the song even haven't existed.


Maybe it is like about to meet somebody in the future, a soul mate for that matter, which you in the now knew perfectly who that would be, yet you can not imagine how he'd look like. Or who he actually might be. You just knew there would be this perfect mate for the soul which you will know by the time you meet him in real. This song is for such moment. I called it a 'pinkish future' moment. 


There was the first time. I wish there would be the second time.


[journal] High High

June, 15th 2013 marked as one of memorable Saturday for me. It was my first (ever!) concert experience : G-Dragon's 1st World Tour One of A Kind (OOAK) Concert in MEIS, Jakarta.  

At first I hesitated to go. I LOVE BIGBANG is one fact no doubt about, but to go to a concert of one of its member's solo act seem to be a little bit too much for me (well, except for Taeyang I suppose *eh*). However, later I decided to go due to some feeling I had when suddenly remember my-sitting-in-the-corner-crownstick and that annoying itchy feeling of regret for not going the Bigbang's 1st Alive Tour Concert last year. 

So I got the ticket. Waiting excitedly. And then suddenly there was this drama of which I almost had to have an overtime on that very Saturday, however in the end I managed to finish all my task (read : two project reports) just in time (read : one exact hour before my travel departed to Jakarta). I was even amazed of my own ability (yes i'm bragging, once in a life, please), for being able not not sleep at all at that very night before the concert. For the sake of attending the concert peacefully without any unfinished obligations. So then, I went to Jakarta, couldn't get some sleep while traveling, spent almost four hour to reach Jakarta. In short, I lost all of my energy. I feel less excited by the time I arrived at the concert venue, and actually worried what if the show wouldn't come out as great as I was always expecting. What if the price didn't paid off. What if something went wrong technically. What if I end up regretting coming here. 

A ticket for the middle tribune area. Next time I'd make sure I'll be able to get the VIP section ;)

Finally it's time to get into the stadium. Finding my seat, waiting for the time the show to start while watching GD's music videos on the screens besides the stage (with sleepy eyes I must say). So that's "That XX" clip. That's "Crayon". That's "Michi GO". And the lights went off. The music kept playing. The big white screen covering the main stage fell down. And that's...that's...that's G-DRAGON!!! I knew the show has started. 

I scream, out loud. I jumped. I forgot I haven't slept at all the night before. But what to care, it's Kwon Jiyong at that stage right in front of my eyes!

The crown stick on use. One thing I weirdly insisted to have soon after I knew I won't make it to Bigbang's Alive Tour Concert in Jakarta, so that one day I got reason to go to one of their future concert.

The concert flow was perfect. The set list order was arranged not for nothing. Opened with his newest single, Michi GO, followed by Heartbreaker, One of A Kind, Light It Up (with special visual appearance of Tablo, I don't get the technology though, which seem so real I almost freaked out "oh my, it's Tablo!"), and The Leader (also with the same special visual appearance, this time of CL). Those were just right songs to brought the mood high! 

And then break. 

At the next session, the mood was calmer with the set of his slower songs. Started with Butterfly (which was my most favorite stage that night), followed by Missing You, That XX, Without You, and Today (which brought back the higher mood). And then another break. Continued with another upbeat set list, started with A Boy, continued with Knock Out (and there came T.O.P.), High High (oughhh...with this I could cross one of my wish list off : to see this song's live performance, happiness level : high high), Turn It Up (which is actually TOP's solo song, and much later I just realized how lucky Indonesian VIPs were to see this performance since the last time he performed it was in 2010 if I'm not mistaken), and This Love. 

Intermezzo : because of attending this concert with TOP as the guest star, I finally understand why those ladies were so crazy over him. Well, his deep voice while both singing and rapping, gaze, and moves, were all equally super strong and sexy. No worries Ladies, to me still YB is the one and only *super biased fan-girl mode* ;) I used to felt so upset when knowing that TOP will be the guest star for concert it Jakarta. I've always wished it would be YB. But seeing the performance, well, that night TOP was indeed the perfect guest to be there. 

Back to the show, here's another set list. The last session, started with 1 Year Station, followed by Gossip Man (okay, I admit I forgot whether this song was actually concluded in the show or not >.< I just got some mixed feeling that I heard this song was performed), Obsession, She's Gone and Crayon. 

And GD said good bye. And of course we all wanted more. And of course he came back to stage ;)

So for encore we got Breathe, Bad Boy, and Crayon remixed with Fantastic Baby (as performed in MAMA 2012, Hongkong). In Fantastic Baby, TOP joined GD again as his last performance as a guest star. And finally GD really ended his show with another Michi Go and introduction to his team, the band and the dancers. And the show really came to an end. The lights went on with an empty stage.

And yes, it was GREAT! 
As in G R E A T ! ! !

My first concert. My first party. My first hangover.
My full bow for you, thank you G-DRAGON, for making it so memorable :
how you communicate to us with perfect set-list, beautiful stage with amazing digital visual art, superb dances, and that stable voice (to note you did all the song live!).
You really are wonderful (oh I know this not even the best word to describe), dear leader :)

ps 1. : I'm sorry if there're mistakes in the set list, since I actually always almost got carried away with the performances during the show that I was not being able to take note of the actual song list.

ps 2. : Earlier expectation? This show definitely goes beyond it. Period.