bukan (semacam) sumpah.

bahwa jika berkehendak,
maka itu adalah pesan dari semesta untuk mencari jalan.

bahwa jika dihampiri mimpi,
maka itu adalah tandanya untuk bangun.

bahwa jika ingin mengerti,
maka itu adalah awal untuk berbicara seadanya.

[note] that real 'okay, this should be it' moment is...

...when the world (through the people around me) suddenly conspired in telling me to get married. Because it's "I want to get married." not "I want to get married, but...", whatever it is put after 'but'.

[note] just when i was thinking too much of an eagle...

...here comes the eagle boys.

. . .

i love how he called them :

(translated) "The 5 Eagle Brothers"

four more years, boys...

...and i'd love to see the five of you be the real eagles :)

[note] whether people around you are true or fake, ...

... it's none of your responsibility. just bear with the sensitivity overload to detect it, but never let it blind your heart.

[note] disappointment (sometimes) has a name,

...like "where were you?"

[music] EPIK HIGH - UP

surprisingly good, Epik High. you got my heart for this :)

.

Though I’m at the tip of your toes today, I’ll be over your head tomorrow.

Even if someone blocks my way, I’m goin’ up.

Up, up, baby get up, up, we’re goin’ up.

Up, up, baby get up, up, we’re goin’ up.

Up, up, baby get up, up, we’re goin’ up.

Up, up, baby get up.

(lyrics credit to here)

[journal] e.

...no matter how much i love being solitaire, just like any normal human being, i wish to have somebody to pat my back at times i was on my weakest. but most of times, whenever i turn my head around, i saw just nobody. and while i tried to tell my unimportant stories, i immediately got an "if it's me..." (or how should i translate this correctly : "kalo aku..." or "saya mah..."?). and  just when i didn't even get a chance to whine, suddenly there's an "oh, c'mon...it's not that big deal!" (again, how should i translate this : "ah, gitu doaaang")...

really, world.

...or maybe it's that i was never too much of patting someone else's back? or maybe it's that i was never a fullhearted listener? or maybe it's that i never see things fairly?...

really, me.

. . . 

heart : "i don't know anymore..."
head : "you dare come to me acting as a victim, i'll sure be a real villain to you"
conscience : "there..there... it's just an up and down. don't be such a crybaby. don't be such a rockhead. emotion's best friend is energy. patting your own back couldn't be that bad, for now, until you're grown up enough to be patted by somebody else. :)"


(this post is coincidentally inspired by Epik High's sixth official album with title [e], of which is both [e]motion and [e]nergy)

[note] "things you truly want, no matter how, always find their way to get your attention. again. again. and again...

...if they could be so stubborn, then why don't you too be as stubborn to get them?

one at a time.

[note] how can i . . .

how can i be a writer, 
while i don't even master the very basic writing skill?
how can i be a planner, 
while i was twice educated more as a designer?

mengurai.

simpul-simpul mati tak kasatmata
merepih dentum-dentum penanda peralihan detak.

acak. berpanjang tak sama.
berjarak. meniriskan hangat-hangat harap.

simpul-simpul mati tak kasatmata
mengikat erat-erat rasa yang semacam semu.

mengurainya adalah janji-janji nanti,
yang jika sampai pada waktunya ia tertagih,
berlapang dada bukan lagi pilihan.

air.tanah.api.udara. senja.

air bertegur sapa dengan tanah :
ada dahaga sehari-hari yang terbanjur
ada rindu sekali-kali yang tertumpah

api bertegur sapa dengan udara :
ada kecepatan yang membelai semacam resah
ada kelonggaran yang membuat nafas tersenggal

.
suatu senja, sudah lewat.

[journal] (some) room to breath.

If it's not too much of me,
I'd love us to stand within some distance.
Just in case,
for giving each of us some room to breath, some space to grow.

By not saying things those are needless to be said.
By not assuming things those are not really absolute of us.
By not accepting one just as they are right now,
...but more of as their way of becoming things they wished to be.

Yet I realized so well that people minds, surprisingly similar to their hearts,
are not things I could make an expectation of.
But more of things I should make peace with,
those would actually give me the very chances to grow mine.

Of all the probabilities for each of us crossing path in life,
doesn't it means something that ours meet in this very here, in this very now?
And for any means possible, be it something good or bad,
I'd love to thank you for everything :)

spektrum.

360/7 derajat :

adalah merah. atau jingga. atau kuning. atau hijau. atau biru. atau nila. atau ungu.

tujuh warna berderet,

potongan yang sama, 

kilau yang sama.

getaran yang sama.

tapi tidak semua mau melihat ada merah di sana,

atau nila. atau ungu. atau kuning. atau hijau. atau jingga. atau biru.

mereka bias,

oleh merah saja. jingga saja. kuning saja. hijau saja. biru saja. nila saja. ungu saja.

mungkin mereka (hanya) lupa,

bahwa pada satu kecepatan putar

mereka hanya bisa melihat warna putih. tidak ada yang lain.

mungkin mereka (hanya) lupa,

pada satu kecepatan itu mereka hidup.

ketika. lalu. maka.

ketika.
kata-kata tak berelasi dengan kecepatan.

lalu.
setiap pasang telinga punya perannya masing-masing,
dengan seribu cara mendengar.

maka.
tidak ada buah yang sia-sia.
apakah ia lalui hati, atau mengendap di dalamnya.

there's a thin line between reading signs and worries. 
it's called the size of a heart.

[journal] the last quarter.

"It's Saturday night. If you're not having fun perhaps it's time to re evaluate your life..." (@desianwar)

True that! 

And not to take into account how many signs the universe had sent me. Fine, universe. I'll be going. I'm start packing my stuff right now. There's still one quarter left, yes?

No words could really describe how overwhelmed I was this past week. So many things were coming. So many things voluntarily added themselves onto my "to do" kinda list. Yet, those were not things I could just complain of. It's just that overwhelmed. With flood of a mixture of feelings.

Worries are inevitable, yet reactions those followed after will always be something controllable. However changes are tend to be better easier tracked back rather than planned ahead, regardless how forgetful people seem to be. 

.

The last quarter. 

It's just about time to re evaluate life, despite currently having fun pretending that I'm indeed having fun. Funception it seems, and yes you're not allowed to laugh at it. 

Anyyywaaaaayy, this last quarter's theme is keep calm and do running!
Changes are indeed good ;)

Indonesia, pada sepenggal lini masa...

...jika sampai pada satu titik,
tak ada lagi bahkan remah untuk bisa kubanggakan,
kupastikan tak akan ada juga satu alasan untuk tidak mencintaimu...

Seberapa mahal harga sebentuk kepercayaan,
kiranya ia sudah terbayar di muka untuk sebuah tanah tempat tumpah darah.

Andai mencintaimu cukup dengan mengerti,
tapi nyatanya semata percaya untukmu hanya terlunasi oleh darah sepanjang hayat.

.

karenamu aku ingin bisa terbang, 

darimu aku ingin bertolak, 

dan padamu aku ingin kembali menjejak 

[journal] slap!

never forget the innocence of the age 14.
never regret the foolishness of the age 19.
never ignore the decision made of the age 27.

step!
right here right now.
it could be a walk. it could be a run.
just make sure the direction is ahead. nowhere else.

so in the age of 35, i could tell my children :
"kids, life began as you started to have different ways in seeing world. 
be bold, be firm. but not too stubborn.
your mom loves you all her life."

ps. a note to self of tonight :
do not make race with anyone. just move, with aim. and toward a destination.

[music] Colbie Caillat - I Never Told You

dear universe,

would you mind to remind me, 

if one day i'll ever to fall in love again, to tell him whom i'll be in love with, things i should say?

“Bebek berjalan beramai ramai, tetapi burung elang terbang sendirian”

— Soekarno

jika begini, saya tidak mau jadi bebek, jadi angsa, ataupun kupu-kupu. 

saya mau jadi elang.

whatsapp.

to send you a hello. sometimes with a good morning.
to give you (temporary) goodbyes. sometimes with a good night and have a nice dream.
to draw you virtual hugs. sometimes, if i dare myself to cross the line, with some digital kisses.
to pray you through blank pings. for a lighter heart, for a better day. sometimes with a :)

(me, with an old mobile phone and a broken wire previously connected, hopefully, to you, 2012)