twenty eleven.

dear writings, you know i really miss you, don't you?

let me have the last peaceful battle, for once and all, will you? you know exactly what my plan for you ;)

i promise i won't let such fail in 2011 to be happened again in 2012. but, there's just something odd about the odd years, don't you think so? it's just i never expected that the oddness of this year would go beyond any of my anticipation. 

but it's okay anyway. 


and for you, dear 2011, you sure love to tease me, a lot, eh?

first you started by giving me one thing i least expected. one thing i honestly dislike to have, yet you gave me instead. and then you put me in such acceleration i never thought would give me more pressure and expectation later on. and as you could see, my biggest failure this year is not being able to manage those things. in contrary, i let myself got distracted. well, to see the bright side, thanks to this, i was finally being able to know and to enjoy real entertainment :) hey, this one i meant it! i never ever been such stressful to the point i need to be entertained properly.

by passing you, i meet lots of chance to see how this world is built with various kind of dream. i also had some chances to make new encounter with new things and new, yet actually old, people in my surroundings. there were times when things've gone the fun way, there were also times when they've gone way too annoying. but, in good and bad, things made me grow, unfortunately not wisely but with different new perspectives to see things in life. 

so, if anything, i'm grateful for getting "lost" in place i though i've "known" well enough. and if i had to point out one thing that put me in state of "why oh why dear God?" it'll be that i fail to meet my only two dreams this year. no need to tell you what they were, should i? i've told you once, in secret.

and so that's it for you, dear 2011. no more. but no less. you've been really odd. really. but which odd years haven't? 


i'm thankful for the quite hard year, especially at the last quarter until its closing, and the cold universe. but still, i'm allowed to have hopes for brighter and warmer summer of 2012, aren't i? and i'm still expecting to meet my soulmate to be in that somewhere-far-north, or somewhere-far-east ;)

but before any upcoming expectations, first things first i need to pass this one last battle. a battle towards nobody else but myself. to take a responsibility on one thing i chose a year ago, out of nothing but love.

for the sake of God, who gives me the root of any chances in life, the life itself.
for the sake of people who believe in me, even when i fail to believe my self and lost faith in things i've been dreaming of. 
and for the dream itself, which had made its own path to find me.


to finish what i once started, once and all, is the only thing i can promise myself to close this extraordinary odd year. all out. 



is not something i would refer to wasting time doing unnecessary things which i looove, including daydreaming.

is something i would say it hard whenever i caught myself being envious of someone else's achievement. if i had time to be envious, then i should have time to make mine my own way.

and truthfully, the idea that if anybody else could do it then i definitely must be able do it too... ermm... just torture me. ahem, of course i might be able to do it if i put lots of effort on it. the thing is, unfortunately, i don't want to. if the intention were as good as to motivate others, just believe in them, alone, is more than enough.

i hate being underrated. yet it's beyond hate to be generalized together with others. if they (really) can do it, which made them then think that others must be able doing it as well, i'd prefer to be able doing something else they can't. 

it's just never worth it to do thing out of intimidation. it's worse than doing it out of obligation if i may say. 

i immediately wrote this post right after i saw one of my 'following' friends on twitter posted a status that i couldn't less agree. yet just saying "agree" sounds lame to me, i end up wrote this a little too long.



for me, there's two types of jokes in this world.

the first one are those which made me laugh out of obligation caused by the feeling of being expected by my surroundings to think they were funny.

and the second one are those which made me laugh out laud spontaneously, while listening to it alone, to the point my parents thought that i might be going crazy.

now, realizing my own reaction toward various kind of jokes is somewhat another big help for me to get to know myself better, yes? i gradually can say it when i actually wore mask, and when i did not.

and of course, i love myself better whenever i was on the last state. 
who doesn't love themselves in their true-self mode, anyway?


malam buta tak pernah tahu, 
betapa aku merindukan jejak tertinggal.


pada hijau yang memulai nafas, 
berbaur dengan sisa hujan, 
menirainya dari sapa pertama matahari pagi.



for some irrational reason, i've got my heart felt just like this song. 
such a nice, yet painful, feeling. 

thanks to those who always 'sing' this for me :) 

ps : and this is my entry point in getting a k-pop, actually it's a dong bang shin ki, fever ;p
i can say with no doubt that i missed them all in one. and by all means five, anyway. they're a perfect harmony for singing ballads, a perfect rhythm for delivering a soothing a cappela performance.


we just hold different perspective on being boastful. apparently, i'm just not too comfortable with theirs, and it might be that they too are not too comfortable with mine. 

and i come to think that chemistry is never meant to be forced. it's something born by understanding, not tolerances. well, tolerances are some results of understanding too, though. it's just chemistry is not.

within chemistry, there's no acceptance, it's just an automatic fill-in-the-blank.

will there be any feeling of tiresome beyond chemistry? i bet there will. but nonetheless it usually ends up as a phase, a come-and-go process, not a test. accepting uncomfortable zones doesn't literally means i have to, no other way, accept inconveniences those almost drive me crazy. 

"i" symbolized ego. that's exactly why i almost write it down all the times every time it came to speak out thoughts. for i can't be sure that others think the same way i do. and i don't want to presume that they will.

if i didn't speak up my thoughts, it literally means they were only small matters and i don't mind with that despite how annoyed i might be.

my dears fellow number ones, i miss you like crazy. and i mean it. 



more than to prove those not-so-significant-who-don't-really-understand-things-about-me that i actually could meet their expectations,
i rather go beyond my limit to let those-number-ones-who-trust-me-even-when-i-didn't-trust-myself feel that i am worth their trust.

that's all that matter to me now. the perfection i long for, is not - ever - for winning any unnecessary battle. it's just too bad most people around me sees it as necessaries and love to drag others into it.

so you think the world is fair? think again. it might be fair enough for you, but not enough to make you think so. 

"happy one thousand posts! :D" (now this is insignificant)



kalau ada sederetan hal yang saya benci di tahun ini, maka nomor satu adalah (hampir) semua tulisan saya di tahun ini. tidak kenapa-kenapa sih. benci, ya benci saja. begitu saja.

tahap saya belajar menulis itu masihlah pada "ada rasa, ada sketsa (suara)". belum, belum, dan belum sampai tahap "beraksara, lalu berasa". mudah-mudahan suatu hari nanti.

sekarang memang sedang belajar, minimal, "tidak ada rasa, banyak melihat dan mendengar, lalu datang rasa, lalu ada sketsa (suara)". tapi susah sekali. apalagi saya terbiasa merasa-rasa bahwa yang namanya rasa itu begini, bukan begitu. padahal, ironisnya, saya yakin sekali, kalau besok-besok saya pasti akan berkata, loh, itu kan rasa juga.

tidak sabar rasanya menunggu empatbelas januari duaribu duabelas. atau tigabelas januari?


(membaca ulang tulisan, sebelum memutuskan menekan tombol oranye atau abu-abu)




betul, kan, saya benci tulisan saya akhir-akhir ini.


(tapi mungkin karena membuat tidak nyaman seperti itu dia bernama proses. mungkin loh. tapi jelas, dia adalah proses yang tidak sengaja saya taruh di kepala. dulu sekali, waktu saya berumur empatbelas tahun. jadi mungkin, sekali lagi mungkin, ada semacam rasa nggak mau kalah dengan ketidaknyamanan ini. termasuk saat ini.)




apa kamu tahu rindu yang hidup?
/seperti rasa yang dulu untukmu

lalu, apa kamu tahu rindu yang mati?
/seperti rasa yang saat ini, yang (mungkin) masih juga untukmu.

jika sekedar rindu, tanpa harus ada waktu, kamu tahu?
\jika tahu, tolong beritahu aku,

lewat dinginnya musim kering pun tak mengapa.



ketika detik semakin mendekati akhirnya,
dan tak ada lagi makna yang ingin dicari. kalau perlu bahkan biarkan saja dia sembunyi selama-lamanya.

ketika sebuah akhir menampakkan dirinya dalam bayang-bayang samar,
dan tak ada lagi ingatan yang ingin dijaga. kalau perlu bahkan dibakar saja.

ketika tak ada lagi rasa yang ingin dirangkai lalui aksara,
mungkin memang betul adalah waktunya untuk berhenti.

mengambil jeda,

untuk kembali berbahasa dalam diam,
untuk kembali berbahasa tanpa perlu dituliskan, dibicarakan, apalagi dicekoki logika.
untuk kembali berbahasa demi seonggok tinggalan yang tidak sia-sia.

I AM an Aries :))

from @ZodiacFacts 

"As an #Aries you're most drawn to a partner who is warm,loving and caring, but independent enough not to tolerate too much of your nonsense." 
-- i am indeed full of nonsense. --

"Don’t play games with an #Aries, they’re far too intelligent and they’ll probably lose their tempers real quick." 
-- that's why i'd prefer to say that i don't have any temper since i often loose it real quick. --

"In fact, the best way to get an #Aries (of any age) to do something, is to tell them not too. They view that as a challenge." 
-- tell me "don't!" and sure i'll report to you "done it!" it's out of rebellion. it's mere a curiosity. --

"#Aries fear failure more than anything else in the world, so they’d rather give up a project than do it badly."
-- things have to be perfectly done...in my way. i don't do people's standards. perfection has nothing to do with lower or higher standard. it only has to do with 'meet the standard, and surpass it'. --

di tengah-tengah tesis mendadak ZodiacFacts. menghibur sekali, sekaligus memotivasi dan membuat bercermin. besok-besok cari versi BloodType ah :))
ada satu warna yang terhapus dari pustaka benak,
penanda kehadiran yang dulu tak perlu penanda,

lalu adalah buram membayang di depan mata,
mengaburkan sang kehadiran yang tak mau susah-susah mengembalikan si anak hilang.

benak pun tak pernah lagi jadi sama.

dance to the songs.

i'm sorry if for some days my posts seem to be meaningless. at these times i just want to use my sanctuary as my mood booster. and lately my life have been going around this BigBang thingy. of course it started as a side effect of spending too much time just thinking my thesis.

well, at the beginning it was G-Dragon's Butterfly. next it was Koe wo Kikasete (sounds dominated with TaeYang's adorable voice), followed by DaeSung sweet yet strong voice. with the song entitled "Baby Don't Cry", he made me really want to cry instead. anddd to add their live singing version on most of their song, plus their attractive dances, before i realize i fell in love with them. and this, also including the annoying makne SeungRi, and the cool eldest one TOP.

this one is one my favorite choreography of their dances. the song itself entitled "Somebody to Love" the performance practice video made me easy to watch the whole moves. too bad they didn't have the record for my most favorite, Lies. i really want to see its choreography in full version.

and this one is one of my favorite of their stage performances. it a different song from one on the video above. this one entitled "What is Right?"  ;)

yep. what is right anyway?

d'oh this thesis is really killing me.