a love letter.

dear Azalea,

i'm sorry i'm lost on my way to get you. the path that supposedly take me to you suddenly vanished just like that. okay, to tell you the truth, my mind did wander. i did not take a good watch over our distance.

but you know Azalea, never once i put you into a box. you're always and forever will be in my mind. my heart, as well, won't let you be forgotten. because, one day, you'll be my everything that no dreams ever matter any longer. even those flashy ones.

hence, i don't want you to wait for me. i want you to grow instead. i'd love to see any possible version of you. your good, and your bad. when we finally met, i'd gave up any of my expectation on you. you may surprise me since i'd love your challenge. you deserve no less than unconditional love.

you know another thing, Azalea? one thing i'm preparing myself right now to give you someday is a trust. however, while secretly wishing that when the time comes, the world won't be too scary for you. or, rather, that you will be bold enough to befriend with it.

well, you'll find by any means that i was never good at sweet words, Azalea. finding love actually scratch more of bittersweet feels. you know, that feeling you had after unwrapping an empty box. but i am indeed selfish, Azalea. i won't really wish that you'll be immune of such bittersweetness.

your first love letter should be written out of one.

lots of love,


ps : but, please don't shock your A too much. to him, you are forever his sweet little Lila.


i really hope they don't use a happiness index as an only excuse to forget the real thing. 

- among those few residents who rather long for good systems
than just beautification of elements those only lasts as far as the eyes can see,
because, you know order is a beautiful thing.
and i don't buy decent make up and dressing over a systematic-know-your-priorities approach -


currently needed :

01/ "how to improve your sense of humor in line with being more easy going and playful and less serious" for dummies.

02/ "how to use the most of feelings and the least of thinking on daily basis" for the beginner.

(not quiet) desperately.


[a view] you're my superstar (part 1, a feeling)

Taeyang World Tour - RISE in Jakarta, 14 February 2015 (personal doc).

Truth is, I'm still on my hangover period, so I'd make it short this time. I still can't believe myself for (finally) being able to come to his SOLO concert. I thought, GD solo and Bigbang 'mini concert' at F1 Opening Night in Singapore would all that. But when Taeyang put Jakarta on his list for his world tour, how could I not going?

It was such an awesome performance. A flawless acts by the superstar. Details would be posted later after I'm sober enough. The feels, however, was much different from those GD and Bigbang performances I had watched before. I love either of those, anyway. What's there not to love about the boys?

It's because this one superstar is my bias, there's a very subjective personal overflowing feelings while I was watching the whole show. How come that boy on stage in front of me, who sing and dance, and smile and communicate (sometimes using some Indonesian general phrases), is a real thing as well as being the same one who took my fangirl-heart away four years ago?

While at the same time I was actually had loads of various things in my chest, I took the chance to just shout them all out. Of course in a sound of his name. A pretty much sweet escape, isn't he? Except for being sweeter than an escape, he is. As worn out as I might be, I was wholeheartedly satisfied. And were I happy? Well, as far as I could remember, he gave me no reason not to feel happy afterwards.

Speaking back about the hangover, you see, when it was GD and Bigbang, I had the hangover right after the show finished until the next morning. But, when it comes to Dong Young Bae, the night after the show, I was surprisingly too tired for a hangover. But when I woke up at the next morning, which means this morning, I knew the hangover was just about to start and it was gonna be the hardest from all. So, the detailed notes would take the times it needed. Meanwhile : Bigbang (mini) concert checked, GD solo concert checked, YB solo concert checked.

Herewith I say that my life as a fangirl is completed ;)


"one shouldn't trying hard to get used to broken hearts. each breaking has its own distinct pain one should experience just as much as the heart could take. scars does not relate to purity."

i thought a broken heart is just some sort of typical sickness you had a certain remedy you could always take whenever it appears. but turns out it wasn't such of sort. when a heart broke, and then by any means it was healed, it was never the same exact one anymore. so when next time it got broken again, well, you'd most likely need any other means to heal it. and by any other means, it was anything but time.

i hope a fairly decent start is not too much to ask as something worth all those broken hearts.