[journal] detachment.

So, a quick update: my location has changed to an eleven-hour-later-from-Bandung small town on a land of my dream for practically twenty-four years. Hopefully for a four-years status of "back to school", wish me luck?☺

Truthfully there are SO MANY I want and need to write. But let's start small and honest, shall we?


"It still feels like a dream that you're gonna go abroad tomorrow", my mom to me on a night before my departure to my neverland. Her eyes couldn't hide a mixture feeling she might be having inside, maybe similar to a mixture feeling I was also having at that time. And then my dad, "but she's been dreaming of it for a long time ago", assuring my mom (and myself as well) that my journey is not one I decided on a whim. It is actually one I have been dreaming of since my childhood, after coming home from another part of that very neverland.

"So you're gonna stay there for four years? Will you not be coming home, at all, in between? So, then we'll see you when we see you again?" are repetitious questions I got from my closest circles weeks and days prior leaving my hometown. Well, of course I planned and scheduled to meet-up with almost all my good friends in my hometown before departing, despite never being good with farewells, honestly. If there's a lesson I learnt quite well from those Asian drama series, is that of "when you had the chances, say your farewell properly". Other reasons; I will never know how the world out there would take me, I will never know when will I see them again under the same circumstances when we could freely chitchatting with nothing to worry about, I will never know if one day I (or them) might have my (or their) mind or heart changed for another good. So, yeah, I made my best effort to squeeze all those beloved within my tight schedule of packing and wrapping things up before leaving.

And I am now happy I was making time doing so.

During my farewells, I came to realize one thing. I used to see myself as a selfish-solitaire-single girl who loved to think "if I am fine by myself, why ask for company", resulting in consistent might-be-a-little-bit annoying "no, I don't care" attitude towards my surrounding. Well, it's not exactly that I don't care, but rather a "why don't we take care of ourselves better so we won't demand others to take care of us" idea that keeps intriguing me. But, yes, in short, I think (too) highly of myself, thinking that I might be not needing anybody to support me. I am talking about emotional support here.

Guess what, I am all wrong.

To be truth, I think I am actually attached to those I love, without me realizing it. I was quite surprise myself to find that it is indeed hard leaving all those familiarities behind and bring only my instinct of survival to the neverstrangerland, while secretly wishing it would be enough. I didn't show much my emotions while waving my friends (good)byes, but I did cry a lot at nights during packing days. My mind went complicatedly blank as layers of white papers. My heart felt as if it were squeezed into a tiny cup of espresso. I could not understand it well, but...

...yeah, I didn't want to let go any of those dear to me. I want to pack all the familiar scent and scene into my pocket as well, and bring them aboard, so that I could take a good hold of them whenever my heart need it later after landing. That was the period I let my vulnerability came out, where I didn't feel any need to hide my worries. For those who were holding my heart at that time, thank you. And I truly hope you all know who you are :)

So, did I survive my first detachment? It's still to early to decide. But one thing I believe: every journey I am blessed with come with a mission of detachment from any fleeting feelings towards all the non lasting beings.

Cheers to a dream come true, and here's to the life that followed!