[notes] butterfly.

sometimes, a dream was like a butterfly in the making. at first, it was so ugly we wouldn't want to admit it as ours. later it was so immersed in its transformation process, so lonely we don't even bother to be its company. and finally, it turned out as a shiny beautiful butterfly, so bright we felt so little to embrace it.

so at the end of the day, we could only watched it fly away.

but you know, there's a tale which said that if that dream was really ours, it would find its way to fly back to us. again, a tale.



malam berhenti pada satu titik yang bukan pagi,
berdiam diri di tengah kebebasan sejati dari waktu.

ia bungkus detik-detik yang berlalu sedemikian ributnya tak tembus,
hingga manusia sejenak lupa, malam pasti berakhir.

setiap cerita selalu dimulai dari malam,
berakhir pada malam, atau berjalan sepanjang malam.
ia adalah nafas tercadang.

malam berhenti pada satu titik yang bukan pagi,
sambil sibuk berpikir mau berkata bagaimana.

ia menjadi setapak bagi waktu-waktu yang berjalan pelan,
lalu pasti menuju pintu keluar alam mimpi.

setiap mimpi selalu dimulai dari malam,
tanpa akhir, tanpa perjalanan.
ia adalah nafas pertama : pematik kesadaran yang sebentar lalu mati.

malam berhenti pada satu titik yang bukan pagi,
dengan mimpi di tangan kanan dan kirinya,
dan api yang menyala pada jarak tahunan cahaya.


1 | square one.

Good thing doesn't wait at the end of the road. Rather, they tag along us all the way. Unfortunately, most of times they choose to be invisible. Or, just a might be . . . 

. . . it was first noticed not by our heart, but by our pride, or our fear. So in the next second, it would be vanished. And all that's left is what wee see as an emptiness, a mere absence of wholeness. 

Good thing is on its way. Not necessarily on a separate way from us. But, instead, on the very same way. It's not really something to be expected or to be waited for, but it's more of something we brought along with from the beginning.

Square one is just a square anyway :)


2 | on the way.

i am usually not a big fan of (american) superhero movies. no definite reasons to it, though. however, i found it different with batman on the dark knight series and spider man the reboot editions. maybe because, they are all too human? the same reason why most people, instead, not very fond of those. because superhero should just stay superhero, perhaps.

recently i just watched the amazing spider man 2. and i must say, despite all the average reviews, i love it. not on a normal amount, i admit. few things those stole my attention were the scoring music (as always), the dialogues (those rather human-ish, not superhero-ish, simple, metaphor-less, an everyday possible findings), and the characters, especially gwen stacy. that is a girl. oh, and did i mention the amazing visual effects? i did, just now.

for the scoring, hans zimmer just nailed it. the music just perfectly wrapping up the movie about a human superhero, who has his own complicated 'normal' matters and his supposedly-to-be-happy-ended love story. everything just right on their tracks. nothing too much. nothing too less. well, for frequent listening, i prefer ones with slow tempo, still. my favorite is "we're best friends".

as for the dialogue, my most favorite are gwen stacy's "Nobody makes a decision for me. This is my choice." and aunt may "It's funny that the heavier the box gets, the lighter I feel." well, all i can say, these two quotes saved my day. just when i'm on the verge of letting but me to make decisions for my future. just when i almost decide not to pack the boxes. well, i am a girl. i should do my things.

in all, the movie left me with an aftertaste similar to the dark knight rises. well, the latter received better reviews, though. but you don't love things (or ones) through comparison, or do you?

i love this track so much <3


3 | [old notes]

"putting self defense mechanism on a heart is exhausting. it works in a predictable preventive way, detecting dangers so that it could build a fortress. no surprises. harmless to the current self, but not for the heart's future, since it was a major intervention to the nature of its ground."

- a note taken from unpublished draft on September 2012, edited as needed. 
a heart might lie deny, but not your drafts. -

4 | bumi dan air.

pada diam yang berlalu,
ada tanya yang terkatakan dengan tanda seru.

lalu ada pesan terakhir penghapus garis, menjadikan tanda seru semata titik yang bersahabat,
hingga nanti dalam sebuah catatan.

pada ceritamu yang tersendat,
ada tanya yang menghilang bersama arus.

lalu ada pesan tak kunjung datang, hingga arus terlanjur bermuara
dan tanya ikut terhanyut, menjadi hantu hingga nanti cerita mencapai ujungnya.

bumi dan air,
bertemu (kembali) di tengah cerita
dengan ajakan berdamai pada diam
untuk memanggil (kembali) sang tanya ke antara mereka.

(tulisan ini dibuat di suatu hari menjelang akhir tahun 2012, tapi diputuskan untuk dipublikasikan dengan sedikit penyesuaian di hari ini. tentang sebuah pertanyaan di bulan oktober 2011, yang hanyut bersama waktu hingga menguap di bulan april 2012. tentang sebuah pertanyaan yang tak pernah terjawab, yang mungkin memang tak berjawab.)


5 | distance.

the safest distance is, indeed, when you're try saying "i love you", he's (still) not listening.

as for me, distance is principal. it is what makes the fire warm, the ice cold, the love desired, the jealousy hurts, the in between spaces worth the walk, the time worth spending. it also takes a distance to muster up all the courage within myself, to convey what's not mine to begin with.

while speaking of the distance itself, exactly like time, it is somewhat relative. indefinite. that's why i found it scary. focusing on the term of safest distance, it could be literally shouting loud the i love you while he's literally miles away or literally whispered it, inside your heart, to add, while he's literally holding your hand besides you. at both set, he won't bother to listen, or would he? well, unless there's an imaginary secret tunnel of alienated words only both of us understand connecting our minds. but that's not it.

certain distance gave me certain feelings of falling in love, being loved in return, or even falling out of it. it gave me room for sanity, despite how hard i fell or how deep i was hurt. distance is a big white screen to check whether that thing i thought i'm having was a real thing or it's just one scary illusion.

as you might know, love is universal. but how each one of us interpret it, is not. basically the same for all other universal things. so, distance, just in case. not for calculation nor measurement. but to seemingly feel.

6 | quote at the end of reading.

"I closed my eyes and listened carefully for the descendants of Sputnik, even now circling the earth, gravity their only tie to the planet. Lonely metal souls in the unimpeded darkness of space, they meet, pass each other, and part, never to meet again. No words passing between them. No promises to keep."

Sputnik Sweetheart, by Haruki Murakami - on chapter 14