29.12.15

diri.

kepingan resah berhenti pada pagar.
lalu setelah halaman, ada rumah yang tak kenal kata pulang.

ada tangan-tangan maya yang mereka-reka akhir cerita.
tanpa kertas dan pena.
tanpa "aku" dan "kamu".

dengan jiwa pengembara dan kepala laksana samudera,
dan hati yang belum duduk sempurna,
cukuplah sebuah jalan memutar menggenapkan sebilangan.

diri.

28.12.15

.15

sekian tentang rasa,
tirai pun turun.

tak ada lagi tangan-tangan yang sibuk menyibak,
karena mereka sudah mengantongi surat jalan.

berikutnya adalah tentang asa.
tirai pun usang, dan panggung berlubang.

yang ada tinggal kaki-kaki kecil pembuat jejak,
pada belantara tanpa bekal naskah.

hujan di akhir.

panas.
air-air bertahan di udara,
sementara waktu tidak juga tepat.

hingga akhirnya deras,
dan tak mampu menahan kaki-kaki yang ingin pergi.

20.12.15

[short chapter] a lost thank you note.

i hate to admit one thing : that sure enough, that time, i fell in love with you. a familiar stranger. a good friend. a rainbow-styled grayscale. an ANYTHING in BETWEEN.

i fell in love with how you oppose almost all of my thoughts. i fell in love with how you see possibilities in any negative talks. i fell in love with how you picture things in perspective. i fell in love with how you dealt with pessimism and frustration by a single smile. i fell in love with the way you didn't love me back.

and i still love the way you often came as a clear mirror to me. for any bitter facts you put into my midnight coffee, i owe you that indefinite future ahead. for nothing sweet you've presented to me, i genuinely thank you.


ps : i'm so sorry the thank you note got lost within my pride.

13.12.15

[short chapter] 11.00 pm.

you don't really give a damn about your own plan, do you?
all you think is how to get others' things done, perfectly, effectively.

but i don't care. i don't care of how good you did.

i only care whether you think enough of yourself, 
and give a proper space for your soul.

please, don't think so bad about me.

===========

A midnight conversation. Not the usual one. But, still, quite expected coming from him. I had no idea how to answer that, though.

What's currently on my mind, right here, right now - yes, you're right, in the middle of a serious talk with him - is how can I squeeze three meetings in a day, tomorrow. How should I arrange my route effectively. Where should I get breakfast, grab a quick cup of black coffee. How long should I prepare the presentation files, should thirty-slides okay.

A quick blinks on the clock on his dashboard : 10.00 pm. No can't do. Let's assume I got home at the latest at 11,00 pm, getting refreshed and so on, open my notebook at 00.00 am. Still need at least three hours of sleep, so I would only have one hour sharp. Eighteen slides it is.

That is a 11.00 pm at home scenario.

============

i know it. why don't you get back to your good old habit of making new year's resolution. and tell me again, why was it you stop making one? was it because none of them you could accomplish?

you're so simple-minded.

don't you think you just have to give yourself a more decent time to make it happen? you know. you're not that clever as anybody else think you are. you can't really do a strategic thinking yourself, or can you?

please, for once in a while, listen to me.

===========

That won't do. A presentation with no slides should be accepted.

27.11.15

jatuh rindu.

mungkin perempuan dalam kepalaku sedang jatuh rindu.
pada kelebat jejak langkah laki-laki,
yang mulai beranjak dari sudutnya.

laki-laki yang menari bersama debu :
pencinta sejati hari ini.

mungkin perempuan dalam hatiku pun ikut berdebar,
dan tangan-tangan penuh ragu,
tanpa kuasa menahan kaki-kaki yang pasti menurut pada angin.

kaki-kaki yang dulu terjulur di samping,
sambil bersama menyimak sepi.

tidakkah cerita yang bertukar lewat jalinan hening
adalah rumah bagi pejalan seperti aku dan dia?

biarlah perempun dan laki-laki dalam kami
yang mengeja akhir cerita nanti.

22.11.15

di balik kelambu.

ia pulang,
bermandikan sisa petang belakang rumah.

siulannya serak, mengumpulkan suara yang bercerai dengan lagu semusim.

aku lelah.

lalu tertungkup ia di atas perahu.
yang tambatannya lepas oleh purnama,
dan mengalir mencari hulu.

jejaknya hilang.

bayang-bayang bintang berlari pada muka air,
yang riaknya gelisah,
ketakutan oleh pekatnya malam.

ia di sana.

aku pulang,
dengan sampai jumpa yang tertinggal di ujung lidah.

dan mata-mata ingin tahu,
di balik kelambu.

[catatan] menulis adalah.

Selama hampir sepuluh tahun, menulis adalah suaka bagi saya. Menulis adalah upaya menjaga hati dan pikiran saya agar tetap, setidaknya, tidak keruh oleh debu yang tak kenal batas ruang. Saya memang bukan seseorang yang pandai menulis, hanya saja sudah terlanjur jatuh cinta dengan caranya menenangkan sebagian dari diri saya. Sejak entah kapan, saya pun sadar, saya tidak bisa tidak menulis. Rasanya lebih tenang memiliki karya yang tidak sempurna, ketimbang rasa atau pun ide yang membusuk dalam ilusi kesempurnaannya.

Sekalipun banyak yang mengatakan saya adalah orang yang cukup tertutup, saya sendiri tidak merasa demikian. Saya merasa cukup membuka diri saya. Secukupnya. Dan cara ternyaman bagi saya untuk melakukannya adalah dengan menulis. Puisi kebetulan adalah bentuk yang saya pilih untuk mewadahi hampir sebagian besar percikan diri saya yang ingin menyeruak menyapa apa-apa yang ada di luarnya. Menulis, dalam hal ini, adalah jalan paling aman bagi saya untuk membuka sebagian diri. Dan tentunya paling menyenangkan. 

Setiap kali saya merasakan gejolak emosi di dalam diri, tangan saya serta merta mencari pensil dan kertas, atau papan ketik dan layar. Entah itu emosi kanan atau pun kiri; senang, jatuh cinta, sedih, marah, patah hati, kecewa, bangga, malu, kesal, dan mungkin jenis-jenis emosi tak bernama lainnya. Menulis adalah sebuah bentuk keseimbangan yang mungkin sudah sedari awal menempatkan dirinya dalam konstruksi sikap seorang saya.

Saya sangat menyukai kondisi di mana segala sesuatunya ada dalam kendali saya. Rencana dan eksekusi dan hasil. Sayangnya, segala sesuatu tidak suka berada di dalam kendali saya. Menulis, juga, bagi saya adalah sebuah pelajaran tentang memilih bagaimana saya bersikap terhadap diri saya sendiri. Apakah saya akan bersikap keras atau lunak, atau di antaranya, atau terlalu daripadanya. Bisa saja saya memilih untuk memaafkan diri sendiri. Bisa jadi pula saya memilih untuk menyimpan dendam dan bom waktu terhadap diri sendiri.

Menulis adalah menjinakkan ketakutan akan gejolak manusiawi yang sedianya teman perjalanan mencari jati bagi diri. Sebaiknya ia menjadi bagian dari hari, sependek apa pun.

Karenanya, adalah hal yang cukup menyakitkan ketika perlahan ia tak sengaja terlepas, dan kadang terlupakan. Ada bagian dari sebuah perjalanan tanpa henti yang menghilang. Perjalanan tak lagi pernah genap. Bukan sempurna, namun genap. Ia menjadi terlalu ganjil untuk dianggap lumrah.

Sebelum semua terlanjur lewat. Sebelum hujan terbawa angin, dan debu-debu berganti tanpa berjejak, ada sedikit usaha untuk mengenggamnya kembali. Sedikit-sedikit. Perlahan-lahan. Hingga nanti, semoga, ia menjadi penuh dalam pelukan seperti sedia kala.

Saya menulis, karena itu saya dapat menuang sedikit setiap jati dari diri, dan membiarkannya berkelana bersama waktu.

8.10.15

catatan.

semua catatan ini akan usang oleh masa,
begitupun rasa. akan lapuk oleh musim.

pengingat tinggal janji dan menjejak,
semata awal mula ketulusan,
dan berakhir dengan "ingatkah sang janji?"

tahun bertalu melawan waktu,
resah bergema seiring timbunan tanya
akan benar dan salah,
yang nyatanya harus bungkam oleh kategori.

tidakkah kamu jadi takut mencatat,
kepingan-kepingan yang akan busuk tenggelam dalam praduga?

tentunya.

tapi jika tidak mencatat, maka aku mati.

26.9.15

menjatuhkan pilihan,
menjadi tarikan batas antara ketetapan dan kemungkinan.
menjadi tarikan batas antara selisih satu titik cahaya dalam rona abu-abu.

menjatuhkan pilihan,
mendekatkan rasa yang dikenal dan selalu terkenang.
menjauhkan harap-harap cemas yang tak diinginkan.

pilihan-pilihan tertulis pada batu berikat tali kasur,
berat.
membuatnya terperhatikan saat menepuk tanah.

tak jarang terlupa,
selama tali dalam genggaman
pilihan yang jatuh dapat kembali melayang pada awalnya.


menjatuhkan pilihan,
menjadi pagar pembatas antara hari ini dan besok.
karena pilihan tidak pernah tentang kemarin.

3.9.15

dear i.,




you know. as an arian woman, i was born under the strong influence of fire. i might be reckless and most of times harsh with words. but i'm always trying hard. so hard it hurts me. to be good. to bring no harms to other. to not make things worse. to not deliberately hurting people. i failed many times, though. but i do learn each of the lessons. am never a good student, though.

i don't take sweet words, nor do i give. i do not praise unless somethings really impressed me. but when i do, it came from the depth of my heart. i don't do empty appreciation. but in another side, i do not bash either. unless you brought harm to my life. i always try to keep my complaints at the minimum level. i strongly hold to my own principles, but i do try hard to compromise and adapt.

i can handle all the unexpected. except two things : betrayal and slyness.

when i came to you and entrust my dreams to you, i really meant it. i seriously build a good intention to plan a future, by committing to you. and by committing, i did accept there wont be all honeymoon. i prepare myself for a future i always dream of alongside with its winding road. i though it would be exciting. i really do.

but then the path was just happened not meant for me. that's okay. not everything is for everyone anyway. i just thought that i lost the battle fair and square. or at the very least : clean and clear.

guess i am wrong.

and guess what. you don't want to mess with an april-born woman. not once in your dream. betrayal and slyness means only one thing : a revenge. a sweet and sharp of it, with a long stab and a quick pull. i'll be patiently dancing the heartbreak.

i won't hate you. that's quite a love, don't you think. but i'll remember you all my way to the castle of my dream. and i'll calmly learn my lesson well :

1. never plan a future with someones who do not have a plan for themselves.
2. never build the castle of my dreams over the shattered ruins of selfish little kingdoms.

i am so done with you.


sincerely,
a former pawn of your chessboard backyard.


ps : thank you for the adventures. i learnt my lesson very well :)

23.8.15

telaga.

satu pagi kulihat telaga di matamu,
dan jejak-jejak matahari di dasarnya.
kamu, dan senandung fajarmu
yang menggema dalam fana.
telagamu, yang jernihnya membangunkan jiwa
di tengah lelapnya rindu yang memburu.
lalu kupanggil matamu,
dan kuselami hingga ke antara bukit.
karena mengenalmu adalah mengenal matahari
yang tahu setiap celah pada dalammu.

20.8.15

"Your feelings are your responsibility, not mine."


i made it very clear. if you don't understand what it means to be misunderstood, i doubt you would clearly get it :)

12.8.15

dalam mimpi.

lelaki yang tak pernah pulang,
kutemukan kamu dalam mimpi.
rasanya adalah tadi malam,
tapi sungguh itu tujuh tahun di belakang.

pada pagar beranda aku menatapmu,
yang bersembunyi berpunggung matahari senja.
tidakkah ada satu patah yang ingin kau lepas,
sebelum samudra menelanmu?

suara tangis gerimis tengah malam,
senandungmu yang penuh rindu, terlambat sampai kupingku.
semesta lelap, melupakanmu, melupakanku,
nyenyak bersama tautan yang menjelang di antara jemari.

mimpi putus oleh dunia,
dan rodanya yang menggilas serpihan tertinggal
sebuah rasa yang menjadikan tidur berbunga,
sepetik ragu yang menjadikan bunga laksana tanda.

ilusi bermain sampai pikiran,
berputar bersama takut, bersama percaya,
seakan tanda adalah segalanya.
padahal tak semua hati sanggup benar membacanya.

4.8.15

BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia : A Review (Part I - A Wrap Up)

Wow, I am surprised to see that my last post about BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia reached over than 5000 hits. It also got several repost on twitter :") Of course there're also other reviews circulating on social media, and I'm also amazed on how there're so many other flaws those being identified later. But I'm not gonna add them here and I'm not gonna make any second time filtering. I do hope the promoters got their lessons learnt.

Or not.

It's almost 3 x 24 hour post events and no official clarifications nor apology delivered. You can't say an apology on twitter (and a private one to that) official right. And still, no explanations. We deserve them. Reading how they responded to our complaints made me end up feeling sick (literally I had a fever) and crazily mad (please, I want to stay civilized). So I was so happy when I scrolled my twitter timeline and found this :

Clarification and Official Apology For The Mistreatment in Big Bang MADE Concert in Jakarta

It was indeed a mistreatment!

Please, people, don't misunderstood. Don't see this as we exaggeratedly defending our favorite artists, or egocentrically spoiling our demands. This is not about that. This is about consumer rights the promoter had violated. By paying an amount of price, normally we hope to get 'goods' appropriate with the price tag. In this case, we didn't get that. The differences in qualities promised and what we got in reality was just too huge. That's the case. And for us who worked really hard to pay the number and wait really long for 'goods' (in this case it's the show), this is a serious matter.

If you happened to be a VIP, especially who attended MADE Tour in Indonesia, I hope you would like to sign the petition and spread it :)

Done my sign.

I hope from now on, I can move on from my disappointment and rage towards the event's organizer. And I sincerely hope, these kind of things wouldn't happen to any VIPs out there :)


Now let's get readyyy for MADE Series E!!! Yay!



#MADETOURINA #personal #theworldofafangirlsheart

3.8.15

BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia : A Review (Part I)

So, yesterday I finally crossed one of my top wishlist : watching a BIGBANG full concert, BIGBANG 2015 World Tour [MADE] in Jakarta, held on August 1st, 2015 at Indonesia Convention Exhibition (ICE) BSD City by promoter Melania Citra Prima (MCP) and AMI Live Entertainment. I need to convey all my feelings concerning the show and I'd like to write them down on two parts : Part I would be talking about how the event was held and Part II would be talking about the show itself and the boys too ;) I need to seperate the two parts as the mood were way too different for both.

Let's start from the the first part then.

Disclaimer : this part would be mostly felt bitter. Please proceed at your own risk, otherwise you might want to skip this. I'd try my best to write as polite as I could, yet I won't hold myself from being blunt and to the point. To be honest, I'm not even in a mood to write in a descriptive way, yet I want to get this uneasy feeling to come out once for all. So I'm gonna make it all straight. All the articles of official announcements regarding the event by promoter could be viewed here, and I'd used them as reference to write all pointers on this first part.

First thing first, I'm thankful for the promoter, of which I believe worked their hardest to bring my most favorite superstars here. However, from the very bottom of my heart I really really really do wish they would not ever even think to organize any other event, international events (including concerts), especially, unless they learnt their lesson. So UNPROFESSIONAL.

Let me sort it out (note : these points were gathered from personal observation or fan accounts through twitter on replies to MCP) :

The "promises" that didn't happen : 

  • A limited VIP Package >> what's so limited of an overly crowded section? if it's really true that they sold 1.200 of VIP Package (and later somebody said it was actually 2.300 people on the PINK section), i think we have different interpretation of the word "limited" and "VIP".
  • Sound check and fast track available only for VIP Package >> how about additional given through lucky draw for late sale?
  • That the VIP Package would enter the venue before sound check, no need to queue again and re-enter the venue >> is a big NO. we had to queue twice, for the sound check and for the actual concert. with such number of VIP ticket holder, it was sure a chaos organizing audience to go into the venue, then go out, re-queue, and re-enter again. 
  • There would be limited lockers >> no locker at all.
  • There would be a gift corner >> none at all! this is the worst.
  • Prohibition to bring any kind of camera and other gadgets such as tabs and tongsis. also small chairs >> spotted some tongsis, some people said there were even DSLR camera passed the security checked, and there was definitely some people brought small chairs into the section.
  • Prohibition to bring foods and drink the the venue >>  food and drink brought from outside were confiscated, yet they provided a hall with food/drink with no proper number of trash bags. bottles and boxes everywhere. so messy >.<
  • The concert should be started at 6.30 pm >> it was not started on time. the boys had to cut one song from encore :((

Missed common preparation : 

  • The venue was actually very good! However it was very unfortunate that the promoter looked like did not do a check and recheck, might as well did not do a proper preparatiosn, for following matters : space layout (that's one big venue, for God sake), almost all the toilets did not function well (no water on jet washer--oh please, no water even on washtafel washbowl (edited. i'm sorry for the typo, but i don't wish to delete this post. sorry for the inconvenience, i was just too emotional to check before.)...these are so basic!), and some people even said it was hard finding rooms for prayer. 
  • NO PUBLICATION BANNER & SIGN SYSTEM. This is crucial. No banner or any sign to show there will be BIGBANG performing at the day. No signage showing literally where people needs to go, whether where the queue lines for each categories, where the merchandise stall, where the food trucks, which way to go in, and etc. These are also very basic. How come?
  • NO COORDINATION AMONG CREWS. Yes, everything those happened yesterday convinced this. Just when audiences asked something to nearest crew, all the answer was :"Wah, i don't know." Really?? Weren't you there suppose to help the event to go smoothly??
  • A very messy queue system. Just as I predicted before, and even worse. Really. It was so chaotic, the YG staff even had to help managing the ins and outs of VIP's ticket holder on sound checks and the actual concert time. Some people on twitter even said they looked so upset with the local security.

To complete the list, these are information I just known after the show :

  • Apparently some security guards allowed around 50s people to enter the venue without tickets. Like, SERIOUSLY? This could mean no security, no?
  • Some merchandise were sold with higher price than how much it's suppose to be.
  • There were logos of another entertainment agency on the merchandise plastic wrapping. You gotta be kidding me!
  • The send off event was a total mess. Some of the lucky draw winner got to leave the concert venue early, missing the encore, to wait outside while it was raining and no shelter just to find later that the boys has just left the venue without the send-off. That's so cruel, in my opinion. 
  • I know the stage (including lightings) and the sound system were not part of MCP responsibility but rather AMI Live's. However, as the local promoter who suppose to know the venue better, I think MCP could also coordinate the technical issues better. Now I know I am not the only one who very disappointed with the sound. The boys were still singing well, though, but somehow I feel they felt inconvenient with the sound. I hope that's only my proven-wrong thought. 

Okay, that's from me. If you want to see how bad we, Indonesian VIPs, were very disappointed by promoter works, just go to their twitter and read all those furious replies. Those tell everything.  

Hufft . . .
Do they even aware that they held a world tour concert event with over than 5000 audience?
Do they even realize it was BIGBANG they were bringing?
Do they even know it was VIPs they're dealing with?



Okay. Let's end the Part I here. I don't even want to remember how messy things were anymore. I even had a hard time admitting that the price I paid was very much not worth it. Honestly speaking it ruined my mood very much. I hope the promoter and the crew learnt their lesson. And I do think they owe the audience a press conference clarifying everymessythings those happened and of course, an apology, towards VIPs and all the audience, and to the boys. Their concert deserves much much muchhhhh better handling.

It was only and ONLY the BIGBANG themselves who save the night. But that's on PART II, guys :)


#MADETOURINA #personal #theworldofafangirlsheart
I'm very sorry for the bad words, but I really need to let these out. Will do some second time filtering later. As for now, this first draft needed to be published the way it is.


ps : when i saw some of the fancams later the day after, it broke my heart to see Daesung's worried expression watching the audience were pushing each other and Ri's being surprised of the sudden fireworks at sound check. but what i hate the most was some disrespectful words someone said about Ri with mentioning his name on her IG's group photo with Ri himself. how come they let them :'(

30.7.15

wahai,

akan kukejar kau ke ujung dunia
dan memaksakan jejak maya yang seharusnya tertapak.


sekian,
karena saya masihlah manusia biasa.

21.7.15

demikian, tentangmu.

dan lalu, kesatria terbang.
ke langit ke sembilan, semesta yang dibangunnya setelah mimpi.
tak ada tanah yang mampu menahannya tetap pada bumi.
tak pula jejaring cerita semu akan ingatan yang berurai.

dan lalu tentang puri,
yang masih belum pondasi :
sebuah galeri kaca suaka segala asumsi.
tentang dia. siapa lagi.

juga tentang hati. yang ini milikku.

suatu pagi di duaribudua.
suatu malam di duaribusembilan.
labirin itu buntu. sudah. dan tetap demikian. sampai nanti.

dan akhirnya, kesatria terbang.
meleburkan labirin, tanpa menengok lagi ke belakang.


maka kali ini, giliran hati milikku,
- karena ia tak pernah putri yang dicarinya -
untuk kembali percaya pada rasa yang nyata.




- suatu waktu di duaribulimabelas :
untuk semua putaran energi misterius,
yang mencari rumahnya bersama tarian aksara
surat-surat cinta yang tak bertakdir,

terima kasih.

13.7.15

change.

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my morning :
from a bluish floral-patterned gown to cotton shorts and light white t-shirt

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my noon :
from bread and coffee - if not skipping lunch - to a full set of green salad

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my early evening :
from daydreams and random scribble to proper reading and past writings color-palette experiments

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my nights :
simply, from cups of black coffee to a full mug of hot chocolate

have i told you before,
that it's only my midnights you could never do anything about :
since it's where all of our changes met and had their battle. for good and for the absence of infinity.

daylights told no lies,
while truths are however hidden beyond the darkest of nights.
that so, when your only request was please be honest with me,
it's easy. we have all the midnights in the universe
(the unalterable that refuses to hide anything) :
to witness our unspeakable confessions, to hide all the truths only our hearts know.

9.7.15

yes, it was.

it was a plain phase of seasons changing,
not your typical : nice, no longer too cold yet too warm.

it was a boring melody of lullabies,
a company for through zillion nights of hopelessness.

it was a shaken faith of spiritual encounters,
a harshly quiet battle between trust and distrusts.

it was a series of nights of thousands untold tales,
a beginning, a conflict, and an ending. a closure of all.

it was never an open ending of yesterday,
so that better never, in fact, the right word to start the day.

it was how things slowly vanished, and reborn.

21.5.15

[sidenotes] LOSER.

a solo clip for TAEYANG story line. a full LOSER MV here.


despite how out of senses it might be, this clip is a very well packed summary of reasons why he is my bias. as much as i am open minded to an opposite attract theory, similarities speak no lies.

at first, however, i was dumbfounded, "that's it? really?" i didn't even bothered to elaborate the story line. what is there a metaphor of loser actually? but then various keywords flew through my head. all struck me. 

faithless. museless. emptiness. anxiousness.

i just strangely feel i could relate to those restlessness. strangely, i could feel the urge to question nearly everything, to unreasonably drive other people mad and then throwing the additional punch when they gave "what's your problem, dude?", to isolate myself among those trash pile (which i, too, strangely assumed as a metaphor to a cumulative mess of life you've unconsciously been cultivating, in a worse version : your sins). to randomly spread the signs of longing with those "leave me alone" vibe. spoiled much, no. he needs a big hug, from the back. with some "bro, calm down, would you".

nonetheless, his tearless cry while lying on the ground and his gaze on that black knitted mask perfectly represent those kind of emotions i'd like to hide from the rest of the world. because, of course, nobody (literally as in nobody) would understand anyway. being complicated is a choice, as addictive as it is, a twisted version of happiness. happiness on a parallel universe, might be.

i guess this clip tickles the masculine side of my brain just right. 


ps : so that's how the wheelchair came, i see *deep sigh*

22.4.15

sejak kapan merindukanmu menjadi sebuah keinginan?
ketika hati tak tahu lagi harus berpatah asa ataukah berpasrah,
sedang setapak tetap mengarah ke balik bukit.


20.4.15

semarak malam,
perlahan meninggalkan kesunyian pagi
dan monolognya : 

embun terakhir yang jatuh
melebur dengan sisa bau hujan tadi malam.

15.4.15

rebah.

aku (kembali) bertanya,
kali ini bukan kepada senja - jawabnya pernah menjadi sebuah cukup -
tapi kepada hati.

yang gelisahnya terpelihara,
dulu dengan bercangkir kopi hitam
kini dengan segelas cokelat panas.

begini : "apakah masih kamu mencari?"
tak berjawab. (ah, tapi dulu pun senja baru menjawab pada panggilan ketiga)

lagi : "apakah masih kamu menunggu?"
tak berjawab. (ya, ini masih panggilan kedua)

sekali lagi : "apakah masih kamu berlari kencang di tempat?"
pun masih ia diam. (baiklah, ini sudah yang ketiga)

aku pun (lagi) bertanya,
tetap kepada hati - karena hanya dia yang bisa menjawabnya -

"apakah masih kamu ingin sembunyi?"


dan pelan,
ia rebah.
ke pangkuan rasa yang berakar pada pemiliknya.

10.4.15

32!

dear universe,
i planned, i choose, i decided
yet things never went right in line with yours.

so here's the deal :
starting from now, why don't you take over
please do the planning, listing the choices and make the decision.
for me.

just as you wish.
because, you know, people said that your wish is my command.


.
you don't seriously think i'd say that, or do you?

8.4.15

a day when the light starts to dim.

things i dearly miss :

having a slow morning, a jog a way and a cup of coffee later.
taking a photograph patiently, of sunrises and sunsets, with analog camera and one full roll of bracketing.
anxiously waiting for the pictures to be developed, getting hyped when the colors tone turned well and frowning when i found out that the film didn't roll! that happened.
reading a third-point-of-view book in the corner of a silent small library.
effortlessly writing a very personal-muse-driven poetry and sending them all to the universe.
doing things not because i am told that i was good at it. or because it was a cool thing to do. but simply because i love it and i once thought i could not live without it.
fall in love by heart, not mind. yeah, it happened almost all the time with me. weirdly, except on that one time.
solo travelling. oh i miss this one so damn much.

and you, long nights of autumn.

31.3.15

.april

karena apa adanya nafas yang masih berhembus,
dan tangan yang meragu untuk menitik
adalah sebuah rindu  tertahan
akan untaian dari hati,
yang lalu berlilit, berkelit, mencari jalan
untuk pulang kembali hanya kepada hati.

april di ujung musim,
akan datang, akan menari bersama, dan akan kembali berlalu.
sebuah simpul, sebuah jeda, sebuah perhentian sesaat : 
tak pernah awal dan tak pernah akhir.

selama hujan masih menirai,
dan tanah masih mewangi,
april akan melambai perlahan
dengan senyum merekah dan payung merah di tangan kanan.

31 maret.

hujan bulan maret,
halangi lalu lalang cerita
dari kuping ke kuping.

mendung pekat,
payungi hati yang penuh tanya
akan sebilang resah yang tumbuh dari tanah.

deras cerita pukul sembilan,
riuh warnai lembar hitam tanpa batas
dari langit kembali ke langit.

ia yang memetik rindu di ujung hari,
menyambung rasa
dari hati ke hati.

14.3.15

laki-laki peneduh (2)

seperti bukit di hari yang baru terbangun,
menguap pelan-pelan,
mempersiapkan bibir untuk memberikan senyuman :
semacam penenang untuk hati tak bertuan.

9.3.15

laki-laki peneduh (1)

dia mengingat-ingat :
tentang lelaki impiannya,yang tergambar jelas di depan muka tigabelas tahun silam.

sebuah sosok yang tegap dalam bimbangnya,
dan bayang-bayang yang datang dan pergi : meragu ia pada sebuah rencana.

dia mengingat-ingat :
tentang anak perempuan dambaannya, yang namanya terpatri sejak usia empat belas.

sebuah sosok yang teguh dalam setiap lintasnya,
dan senyum yang terekam abadi : berserah ia pada serangkai ketetapan.

8.3.15

maka hati.

biarlah malam padam seperti biasa,
wahai kamu yang sedang perpeluh hati.
ia dengan sempurna hitamnya
penyeka bulir keringat yang berlari.

biarlah malam nyenyak sesekali,
wahai kamu yang sedang benci-bencinya pada sepi.
ia dengan tanpa mimpinya
pelipur rekahnya merah luka.

maka biarlah malam sendiri,
dan berjaraklah sunyi dari hati.

28.2.15

a love letter.

dear Azalea,

i'm sorry i'm lost on my way to get you. the path that supposedly take me to you suddenly vanished just like that. okay, to tell you the truth, my mind did wander. i did not take a good watch over our distance.

but you know Azalea, never once i put you into a box. you're always and forever will be in my mind. my heart, as well, won't let you be forgotten. because, one day, you'll be my everything that no dreams ever matter any longer. even those flashy ones.

hence, i don't want you to wait for me. i want you to grow instead. i'd love to see any possible version of you. your good, and your bad. when we finally met, i'd gave up any of my expectation on you. you may surprise me since i'd love your challenge. you deserve no less than unconditional love.

you know another thing, Azalea? one thing i'm preparing myself right now to give you someday is a trust. however, while secretly wishing that when the time comes, the world won't be too scary for you. or, rather, that you will be bold enough to befriend with it.

well, you'll find by any means that i was never good at sweet words, Azalea. finding love actually scratch more of bittersweet feels. you know, that feeling you had after unwrapping an empty box. but i am indeed selfish, Azalea. i won't really wish that you'll be immune of such bittersweetness.

your first love letter should be written out of one.


lots of love,

I.


.
ps : but, please don't shock your A too much. to him, you are forever his sweet little Lila.

22.2.15

i really hope they don't use a happiness index as an only excuse to forget the real thing. 


- among those few residents who rather long for good systems
than just beautification of elements those only lasts as far as the eyes can see,
because, you know order is a beautiful thing.
and i don't buy decent make up and dressing over a systematic-know-your-priorities approach -

17.2.15

currently needed :

01/ "how to improve your sense of humor in line with being more easy going and playful and less serious" for dummies.

02/ "how to use the most of feelings and the least of thinking on daily basis" for the beginner.


(not quiet) desperately.

15.2.15

[a view] you're my superstar (part 1, a feeling)

Taeyang World Tour - RISE in Jakarta, 14 February 2015 (personal doc).

Truth is, I'm still on my hangover period, so I'd make it short this time. I still can't believe myself for (finally) being able to come to his SOLO concert. I thought, GD solo and Bigbang 'mini concert' at F1 Opening Night in Singapore would all that. But when Taeyang put Jakarta on his list for his world tour, how could I not going?

It was such an awesome performance. A flawless acts by the superstar. Details would be posted later after I'm sober enough. The feels, however, was much different from those GD and Bigbang performances I had watched before. I love either of those, anyway. What's there not to love about the boys?

It's because this one superstar is my bias, there's a very subjective personal overflowing feelings while I was watching the whole show. How come that boy on stage in front of me, who sing and dance, and smile and communicate (sometimes using some Indonesian general phrases), is a real thing as well as being the same one who took my fangirl-heart away four years ago?

While at the same time I was actually had loads of various things in my chest, I took the chance to just shout them all out. Of course in a sound of his name. A pretty much sweet escape, isn't he? Except for being sweeter than an escape, he is. As worn out as I might be, I was wholeheartedly satisfied. And were I happy? Well, as far as I could remember, he gave me no reason not to feel happy afterwards.

Speaking back about the hangover, you see, when it was GD and Bigbang, I had the hangover right after the show finished until the next morning. But, when it comes to Dong Young Bae, the night after the show, I was surprisingly too tired for a hangover. But when I woke up at the next morning, which means this morning, I knew the hangover was just about to start and it was gonna be the hardest from all. So, the detailed notes would take the times it needed. Meanwhile : Bigbang (mini) concert checked, GD solo concert checked, YB solo concert checked.

Herewith I say that my life as a fangirl is completed ;)

12.2.15

"one shouldn't trying hard to get used to broken hearts. each breaking has its own distinct pain one should experience just as much as the heart could take. scars does not relate to purity."

i thought a broken heart is just some sort of typical sickness you had a certain remedy you could always take whenever it appears. but turns out it wasn't such of sort. when a heart broke, and then by any means it was healed, it was never the same exact one anymore. so when next time it got broken again, well, you'd most likely need any other means to heal it. and by any other means, it was anything but time.

i hope a fairly decent start is not too much to ask as something worth all those broken hearts.

29.1.15

1994.

while winter crawling to its end, slowly farewells preparing the parties.
and it's not about a changing year.


a white winter is a best possible time to end things, and to start others in queue. not spring. because spring definitely is a better time to build a connection. to understand more. to fall in love, to fall out it. to catch the falling cherry blossom petals before the ground. with loved ones, on a checkered table cloth of blue and white.

and then summer came a little bit too late. a perfect round of forgetting, and letting go. of things we haven't yet owned. a realization might come at the last minutes. and that's normal. nothing are too false nor too true when it comes to building trusts. those might crashed by the cliff. or went safely to the glass house. nothing is eternal, as sun never stay put at a seat.

finally it's fall. when the need of settling down finally took over the thoughts. that's when you take a look at the hourglass in the corner of your bookshelf. and gave it an exhale. a long one. you never took the hard-to-count sands as a metaphor of your year-time regrets. you never had any time to regret things to begin with. but it all became a different matter when you decide to get off the bar stool, going home, and make a comfort out of your broken-white couch.


the parties are over.
and it's not to celebrate another circle of a year.

because pains are growing, with different shades among each of us.
and unfortunately those come in perfect round yearly.

18.1.15

januari.

setiap dinding jiwa punya gelisahnya masing-masing.

ada yang tersamar lukisan semburat merah matahari terbit, tergantung sempurna pada sisi pertama. ada yang cukup tersapu dengan cat tembok berwarna abu-abu. ada yang siap terpasang, namun paku terpalu tak tepat pada titiknya. ada yang menetap dengan tirai tipis berwarna putih.

dan setiap gelisah punya payung peneduhnya, genggaman jemari penenang, atau sepasang telinga yang selalu ada. setiap gelisah adalah hujan bukan badai, ketukan tak berirama pada lapis kaca di atas meja, dan cerita yang melingkar.


tuhan maha adil.

sebuah gelisah tak kan lahir, tanpa hembusan nafas yang memeluknya.
dan setiap hembusan nafas adalah pilihan untuk berserah pada kesadaran.


setiap dinding jiwa punya gelisahnya masing-masing.
dan tidak semua gelisah adalah tanya.

5.1.15

2015.


cita-cita dan jatuh cinta, memang hampir selalu tentang dan tidak jauh-jauh dari rumah.

adalah sebuah 
"bagaimana pun aku cinta padamu, bukan dengan sederet alasan, tapi lebih pada sederet walaupun"

.
memiliki rumah, memiliki tempat berpijak dengan segala keragu-raguan.
memiliki rumah, memiliki penjaga untuk kotak-kotak berumur tentang bagaimana hari ini menjadi.
memiliki rumah, memiliki lemari tempat menitipkan cita-cita.
memiliki rumah, memiliki sebuah tempat terjatuh yang teduh ketika tergelincir pada nama cinta.

. . .
menetapkan hati pada sebuah rumah,
adalah perjalanan panjang setitik rasa yang bertumbuh melewati batasan semesta.

.
2015.
sepenggal jalur untuk ditapaki sebaik-baiknya.
satu tahun yang baik,
seperti setiap yang sudah lalu,
sebagaimana pada mereka cita-cita lahir dan bertumbuh, cinta jatuh dan berdiri.




ps : 
i'm hoping to being done with all the greed. 
this year will be a nice one. and that's beyond enough :)

1.1.15

a script on another might be about falling in love.

2015.

there's gonna be a lot notes about falling in love.

maybe it's still not the time.
maybe the time has already passed, who knew?
maybe it's about the wrong person,
maybe, or maybe, it's about the wrong time.

maybe, it's just the wrong side of heart,
a wrong side of soul.

maybe there's time difference in how our heart flips.
maybe there's a split screen on how our feelings being unmutual.
maybe there's an undo button right before the love fell from sky.

maybe the story starts in an imaginary parallel universe, if there's one.

.
it might, however, also be the exact time.
the destined one on the destined time.
with the right side of heart and soul.

it might, as well, that time difference was just about a perspective.
the split screen didn't even valid as reasons, as they were not virtual.
and an undo button, was just, as much, not needed.

because love falls against all prerequisites,
and those include another opened heart to catch.

catatan tertinggal, 2014.

rotasi matahari tak pernah terlalu biasa,
tak ada jeda yang dapat tercuri darinya tak menjadikannya tak istimewa.

hanya sebuah hari yang berbalik
adalah sesederhana siang yang berganti layar dengan malam.

demikian pula dengan hari ini dan esok.