di balik kelambu.

ia pulang,
bermandikan sisa petang belakang rumah.

siulannya serak, mengumpulkan suara yang bercerai dengan lagu semusim.

aku lelah.

lalu tertungkup ia di atas perahu.
yang tambatannya lepas oleh purnama,
dan mengalir mencari hulu.

jejaknya hilang.

bayang-bayang bintang berlari pada muka air,
yang riaknya gelisah,
ketakutan oleh pekatnya malam.

ia di sana.

aku pulang,
dengan sampai jumpa yang tertinggal di ujung lidah.

dan mata-mata ingin tahu,
di balik kelambu.

[catatan] menulis adalah.

Selama hampir sepuluh tahun, menulis adalah suaka bagi saya. Menulis adalah upaya menjaga hati dan pikiran saya agar tetap, setidaknya, tidak keruh oleh debu yang tak kenal batas ruang. Saya memang bukan seseorang yang pandai menulis, hanya saja sudah terlanjur jatuh cinta dengan caranya menenangkan sebagian dari diri saya. Sejak entah kapan, saya pun sadar, saya tidak bisa tidak menulis. Rasanya lebih tenang memiliki karya yang tidak sempurna, ketimbang rasa atau pun ide yang membusuk dalam ilusi kesempurnaannya.

Sekalipun banyak yang mengatakan saya adalah orang yang cukup tertutup, saya sendiri tidak merasa demikian. Saya merasa cukup membuka diri saya. Secukupnya. Dan cara ternyaman bagi saya untuk melakukannya adalah dengan menulis. Puisi kebetulan adalah bentuk yang saya pilih untuk mewadahi hampir sebagian besar percikan diri saya yang ingin menyeruak menyapa apa-apa yang ada di luarnya. Menulis, dalam hal ini, adalah jalan paling aman bagi saya untuk membuka sebagian diri. Dan tentunya paling menyenangkan. 

Setiap kali saya merasakan gejolak emosi di dalam diri, tangan saya serta merta mencari pensil dan kertas, atau papan ketik dan layar. Entah itu emosi kanan atau pun kiri; senang, jatuh cinta, sedih, marah, patah hati, kecewa, bangga, malu, kesal, dan mungkin jenis-jenis emosi tak bernama lainnya. Menulis adalah sebuah bentuk keseimbangan yang mungkin sudah sedari awal menempatkan dirinya dalam konstruksi sikap seorang saya.

Saya sangat menyukai kondisi di mana segala sesuatunya ada dalam kendali saya. Rencana dan eksekusi dan hasil. Sayangnya, segala sesuatu tidak suka berada di dalam kendali saya. Menulis, juga, bagi saya adalah sebuah pelajaran tentang memilih bagaimana saya bersikap terhadap diri saya sendiri. Apakah saya akan bersikap keras atau lunak, atau di antaranya, atau terlalu daripadanya. Bisa saja saya memilih untuk memaafkan diri sendiri. Bisa jadi pula saya memilih untuk menyimpan dendam dan bom waktu terhadap diri sendiri.

Menulis adalah menjinakkan ketakutan akan gejolak manusiawi yang sedianya teman perjalanan mencari jati bagi diri. Sebaiknya ia menjadi bagian dari hari, sependek apa pun.

Karenanya, adalah hal yang cukup menyakitkan ketika perlahan ia tak sengaja terlepas, dan kadang terlupakan. Ada bagian dari sebuah perjalanan tanpa henti yang menghilang. Perjalanan tak lagi pernah genap. Bukan sempurna, namun genap. Ia menjadi terlalu ganjil untuk dianggap lumrah.

Sebelum semua terlanjur lewat. Sebelum hujan terbawa angin, dan debu-debu berganti tanpa berjejak, ada sedikit usaha untuk mengenggamnya kembali. Sedikit-sedikit. Perlahan-lahan. Hingga nanti, semoga, ia menjadi penuh dalam pelukan seperti sedia kala.

Saya menulis, karena itu saya dapat menuang sedikit setiap jati dari diri, dan membiarkannya berkelana bersama waktu.

catatan.

semua catatan ini akan usang oleh masa,
begitupun rasa. akan lapuk oleh musim.

pengingat tinggal janji dan menjejak,
semata awal mula ketulusan,
dan berakhir dengan "ingatkah sang janji?"

tahun bertalu melawan waktu,
resah bergema seiring timbunan tanya
akan benar dan salah,
yang nyatanya harus bungkam oleh kategori.

tidakkah kamu jadi takut mencatat,
kepingan-kepingan yang akan busuk tenggelam dalam praduga?

tentunya.

tapi jika tidak mencatat, maka aku mati.

menjatuhkan pilihan,
menjadi tarikan batas antara ketetapan dan kemungkinan.
menjadi tarikan batas antara selisih satu titik cahaya dalam rona abu-abu.

menjatuhkan pilihan,
mendekatkan rasa yang dikenal dan selalu terkenang.
menjauhkan harap-harap cemas yang tak diinginkan.

pilihan-pilihan tertulis pada batu berikat tali kasur,
berat.
membuatnya terperhatikan saat menepuk tanah.

tak jarang terlupa,
selama tali dalam genggaman
pilihan yang jatuh dapat kembali melayang pada awalnya.


menjatuhkan pilihan,
menjadi pagar pembatas antara hari ini dan besok.
karena pilihan tidak pernah tentang kemarin.

dear i.,

you know. as an arian woman, i was born under the strong influence of fire. i might be reckless and most of times harsh with words. but i'm always trying hard. so hard it hurts me. to be good. to bring no harms to other. to not make things worse. to not deliberately hurting people. i failed many times, though. but i do learn each of the lessons. am never a good student, though.

i don't take sweet words, nor do i give. i do not praise unless somethings really impressed me. but when i do, it came from the depth of my heart. i don't do empty appreciation. but in another side, i do not bash either. unless you brought harm to my life. i always try to keep my complaints at the minimum level. i strongly hold to my own principles, but i do try hard to compromise and adapt.

i can handle all the unexpected. except two things : betrayal and slyness.

when i came to you and entrust my dreams to you, i really meant it. i seriously build a good intention to plan a future, by committing to you. and by committing, i did accept there wont be all honeymoon. i prepare myself for a future i always dream of alongside with its winding road. i though it would be exciting. i really do.

but then the path was just happened not meant for me. that's okay. not everything is for everyone anyway. i just thought that i lost the battle fair and square. or at the very least : clean and clear.

guess i am wrong.

and guess what. you don't want to mess with an april-born woman. not once in your dream. betrayal and slyness means only one thing : a revenge. a sweet and sharp of it, with a long stab and a quick pull. i'll be patiently dancing the heartbreak.

i won't hate you. that's quite a love, don't you think. but i'll remember you all my way to the castle of my dream. and i'll calmly learn my lesson well :

1. never plan a future with someones who do not have a plan for themselves.
2. never build the castle of my dreams over the shattered ruins of selfish little kingdoms.

i am so done with you.


sincerely,
a former pawn of your chessboard backyard.


ps : thank you for the adventures. i learnt my lesson very well :)

telaga.

satu pagi kulihat telaga di matamu,
dan jejak-jejak matahari di dasarnya.
kamu, dan senandung fajarmu
yang menggema dalam fana.
telagamu, yang jernihnya membangunkan jiwa
di tengah lelapnya rindu yang memburu.
lalu kupanggil matamu,
dan kuselami hingga ke antara bukit.
karena mengenalmu adalah mengenal matahari
yang tahu setiap celah pada dalammu.

"Your feelings are your responsibility, not mine."

i made it very clear. if you don't understand what it means to be misunderstood, i doubt you would clearly get it :)

dalam mimpi.

lelaki yang tak pernah pulang,
kutemukan kamu dalam mimpi.
rasanya adalah tadi malam,
tapi sungguh itu tujuh tahun di belakang.

pada pagar beranda aku menatapmu,
yang bersembunyi berpunggung matahari senja.
tidakkah ada satu patah yang ingin kau lepas,
sebelum samudra menelanmu?

suara tangis gerimis tengah malam,
senandungmu yang penuh rindu, terlambat sampai kupingku.
semesta lelap, melupakanmu, melupakanku,
nyenyak bersama tautan yang menjelang di antara jemari.

mimpi putus oleh dunia,
dan rodanya yang menggilas serpihan tertinggal
sebuah rasa yang menjadikan tidur berbunga,
sepetik ragu yang menjadikan bunga laksana tanda.

ilusi bermain sampai pikiran,
berputar bersama takut, bersama percaya,
seakan tanda adalah segalanya.
padahal tak semua hati sanggup benar membacanya.

BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia : A Review (Part I - A Wrap Up)

Wow, I am surprised to see that my last post about BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia reached over than 5000 hits. It also got several repost on twitter :") Of course there're also other reviews circulating on social media, and I'm also amazed on how there're so many other flaws those being identified later. But I'm not gonna add them here and I'm not gonna make any second time filtering. I do hope the promoters got their lessons learnt.

Or not.

It's almost 3 x 24 hour post events and no official clarifications nor apology delivered. You can't say an apology on twitter (and a private one to that) official right. And still, no explanations. We deserve them. Reading how they responded to our complaints made me end up feeling sick (literally I had a fever) and crazily mad (please, I want to stay civilized). So I was so happy when I scrolled my twitter timeline and found this :

Clarification and Official Apology For The Mistreatment in Big Bang MADE Concert in Jakarta

It was indeed a mistreatment!

Please, people, don't misunderstood. Don't see this as we exaggeratedly defending our favorite artists, or egocentrically spoiling our demands. This is not about that. This is about consumer rights the promoter had violated. By paying an amount of price, normally we hope to get 'goods' appropriate with the price tag. In this case, we didn't get that. The differences in qualities promised and what we got in reality was just too huge. That's the case. And for us who worked really hard to pay the number and wait really long for 'goods' (in this case it's the show), this is a serious matter.

If you happened to be a VIP, especially who attended MADE Tour in Indonesia, I hope you would like to sign the petition and spread it :)

Done my sign.

I hope from now on, I can move on from my disappointment and rage towards the event's organizer. And I sincerely hope, these kind of things wouldn't happen to any VIPs out there :)


Now let's get readyyy for MADE Series E!!! Yay!



#MADETOURINA #personal #theworldofafangirlsheart

BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia : A Review (Part I)

So, yesterday I finally crossed one of my top wishlist : watching a BIGBANG full concert, BIGBANG 2015 World Tour [MADE] in Jakarta, held on August 1st, 2015 at Indonesia Convention Exhibition (ICE) BSD City by promoter Melania Citra Prima (MCP) and AMI Live Entertainment. I need to convey all my feelings concerning the show and I'd like to write them down on two parts : Part I would be talking about how the event was held and Part II would be talking about the show itself and the boys too ;) I need to seperate the two parts as the mood were way too different for both.

Let's start from the the first part then.

Disclaimer : this part would be mostly felt bitter. Please proceed at your own risk, otherwise you might want to skip this. I'd try my best to write as polite as I could, yet I won't hold myself from being blunt and to the point. To be honest, I'm not even in a mood to write in a descriptive way, yet I want to get this uneasy feeling to come out once for all. So I'm gonna make it all straight. All the articles of official announcements regarding the event by promoter could be viewed here, and I'd used them as reference to write all pointers on this first part.

First thing first, I'm thankful for the promoter, of which I believe worked their hardest to bring my most favorite superstars here. However, from the very bottom of my heart I really really really do wish they would not ever even think to organize any other event, international events (including concerts), especially, unless they learnt their lesson. So UNPROFESSIONAL.

Let me sort it out (note : these points were gathered from personal observation or fan accounts through twitter on replies to MCP) :

The "promises" that didn't happen : 

• A limited VIP Package >> what's so limited of an overly crowded section? if it's really true that they sold 1.200 of VIP Package (and later somebody said it was actually 2.300 people on the PINK section), i think we have different interpretation of the word "limited" and "VIP".
• Sound check and fast track available only for VIP Package >> how about additional given through lucky draw for late sale?
• That the VIP Package would enter the venue before sound check, no need to queue again and re-enter the venue >> is a big NO. we had to queue twice, for the sound check and for the actual concert. with such number of VIP ticket holder, it was sure a chaos organizing audience to go into the venue, then go out, re-queue, and re-enter again. 
• There would be limited lockers >> no locker at all.
• There would be a gift corner >> none at all! this is the worst.
• Prohibition to bring any kind of camera and other gadgets such as tabs and tongsis. also small chairs >> spotted some tongsis, some people said there were even DSLR camera passed the security checked, and there was definitely some people brought small chairs into the section.
• Prohibition to bring foods and drink the the venue >>  food and drink brought from outside were confiscated, yet they provided a hall with food/drink with no proper number of trash bags. bottles and boxes everywhere. so messy >.<
• The concert should be started at 6.30 pm >> it was not started on time. the boys had to cut one song from encore :((

Missed common preparation : 

• The venue was actually very good! However it was very unfortunate that the promoter looked like did not do a check and recheck, might as well did not do a proper preparatiosn, for following matters : space layout (that's one big venue, for God sake), almost all the toilets did not function well (no water on jet washer--oh please, no water even on washtafel washbowl (edited. i'm sorry for the typo, but i don't wish to delete this post. sorry for the inconvenience, i was just too emotional to check before.)...these are so basic!), and some people even said it was hard finding rooms for prayer. 
• NO PUBLICATION BANNER & SIGN SYSTEM. This is crucial. No banner or any sign to show there will be BIGBANG performing at the day. No signage showing literally where people needs to go, whether where the queue lines for each categories, where the merchandise stall, where the food trucks, which way to go in, and etc. These are also very basic. How come?
• NO COORDINATION AMONG CREWS. Yes, everything those happened yesterday convinced this. Just when audiences asked something to nearest crew, all the answer was :"Wah, i don't know." Really?? Weren't you there suppose to help the event to go smoothly??
• A very messy queue system. Just as I predicted before, and even worse. Really. It was so chaotic, the YG staff even had to help managing the ins and outs of VIP's ticket holder on sound checks and the actual concert time. Some people on twitter even said they looked so upset with the local security.

To complete the list, these are information I just known after the show :

• Apparently some security guards allowed around 50s people to enter the venue without tickets. Like, SERIOUSLY? This could mean no security, no?
• Some merchandise were sold with higher price than how much it's suppose to be.
• There were logos of another entertainment agency on the merchandise plastic wrapping. You gotta be kidding me!
• The send off event was a total mess. Some of the lucky draw winner got to leave the concert venue early, missing the encore, to wait outside while it was raining and no shelter just to find later that the boys has just left the venue without the send-off. That's so cruel, in my opinion. 
• I know the stage (including lightings) and the sound system were not part of MCP responsibility but rather AMI Live's. However, as the local promoter who suppose to know the venue better, I think MCP could also coordinate the technical issues better. Now I know I am not the only one who very disappointed with the sound. The boys were still singing well, though, but somehow I feel they felt inconvenient with the sound. I hope that's only my proven-wrong thought. 

Okay, that's from me. If you want to see how bad we, Indonesian VIPs, were very disappointed by promoter works, just go to their twitter and read all those furious replies. Those tell everything.  

Hufft . . .

Do they even aware that they held a world tour concert event with over than 5000 audience?

Do they even realize it was BIGBANG they were bringing?

Do they even know it was VIPs they're dealing with?



Okay. Let's end the Part I here. I don't even want to remember how messy things were anymore. I even had a hard time admitting that the price I paid was very much not worth it. Honestly speaking it ruined my mood very much. I hope the promoter and the crew learnt their lesson. And I do think they owe the audience a press conference clarifying everymessythings those happened and of course, an apology, towards VIPs and all the audience, and to the boys. Their concert deserves much much muchhhhh better handling.

It was only and ONLY the BIGBANG themselves who save the night. But that's on PART II, guys :)


#MADETOURINA #personal #theworldofafangirlsheart
I'm very sorry for the bad words, but I really need to let these out. Will do some second time filtering later. As for now, this first draft needed to be published the way it is.


ps : when i saw some of the fancams later the day after, it broke my heart to see Daesung's worried expression watching the audience were pushing each other and Ri's being surprised of the sudden fireworks at sound check. but what i hate the most was some disrespectful words someone said about Ri with mentioning his name on her IG's group photo with Ri himself. how come they let them :'(