[journal] writing, lately.

Okay, I have to admit that I'm having the worst relationship with writing on this period (semester to be precise). Even as I could remembered, I still wrote during my hectic days of thesis and even on my busy days of year-end project reports. Something was just off, lately.

Usually, whenever things came to me, writing them off would be my automatic mode. No matter whether I would love or hate it, later. I just couldn't help being expressive through writing on this blog, the better under 'sketsa suara' tag. But lately, I think too much before posting almost anything. I became more and more worry whether that would be something worthy of posting or not, yet such thing never really that much of consideration. There's always a pair of edit-and-review thing.

I once said to my friend, maybe for the last years, writing had been my tool for searching of something. And that for now I thought I have found what I was looking for, so eventually, unconsciously I began to stop writing.

But it's not it. Turns out there's no such thing as settling down. There's no such thing as "finally finding".

Here's my proof : this month would be my last month working in that big city. I tell you, this is far from my plan, which originally outlined three-five years of living as the big-city-career-girl. And if you wonder where will I be starting from the next month, I tell you one more thing : I don't know. Who knows what kind of decision I would make at this very month. Who know which way I'd put my trust in, my intuition or my logic.

Or my pride.

.
So I just come with the idea to start again, from the scratch. To take notes of each encounters during my last stay in the city. Well, those might be not all a pleasant thing. But, documentation is about documenting. It's a neutral thing. No matter it's about good things or bad things. The documenting must go on.

Nonetheless, writing is one important decision I made when I was 27, yet I didn't know what kind of writing I want to make. Hence nothing was ever started, really. As for now, despite all those bitterness of the livelihood in the big city, it surprisingly gives me a very clear vision of that later thing. The starting point, however, is on my hand.


. .
Just in case, not too long from now I'd make a decision the future me would definitely regret.

i always thought that having my works being claimed by others is the worst thing might ever happen in my personal pursuit of finding a place in this world. turned out i could handle that just right.

however, as much as i am aware that i'm not that good as a human being, and as much as i understand that to feel good about themselves (sometimes might exceed towards the point of to feel much better than others) are just human's nature, i found it's just really hard to accept being wrong framed so that somebody else could be looked as doing good.

well, that's just emotionally exhausted me to the point i even did something so stupid such as writing a gramatically too much error of a too long a sentence.

pardon me.

i know i should not write anything when it's only my 'reddish' emotion in control. but i feel that one day i'd need to be able to re-recognize this kind of emotion. just in case.

now that i wrote this down, i could finally have a hopefully peaceful sleep.

#10.

ketika matahari masih setia dengan bumi yang tak tertebak,

haruskah berhenti setia dengan cita-cita yang jelas menanti di ujung jalan?

padamu.

ada padamu, harum rumah seperti bantal tua yang kumal
ada padamu, hangat malam musim hujan seperti selimut tampal empat petak
ada padamu, merdu nyanyian pagi seperti derit pagar terbuka oleh pengantar koran

ada padamu, rumah sebagian hati
yang beratap tidak berdinding
yang bertaman tidak berpagar

ada padamu,
sepenggal dari perjalananku

Jatuh cinta : musim kedua.

Jatuh cinta kali ini seperti daun daun pohon mahoni saat meranggas
Tak kenal dahulu mendahului dalam kecepatan melepaskan diri dari ranting
Tak kenal menunggu yang terdahulu selesai dengan tanah

Jatuh cinta ya seperti daun-daun itu. Kuning. Ringan. Lepas. Melayang. Tak berarah. Hingga menyentuh dasar.

Jatuh.

Dan sekali angin, cinta-cinta kering itu lalu tersapu bersih

[notes] a scent of the second season.

dear earth,
for as long as there's no good bye waves from the rains
you may want to expect the second season coming down.

but no worries.

it has different scent you'd happily detect : it's either a morning dew, or a 4 am peeking sun.
it was a season where even stars dancing to your sky, despite the thunderstorm.

so no worries.

a pleasant scent is a sign of something good might be in the making.


.

dear rain,
how happy might you be, having countless seasons as your home.

when we were closer :

that's when we forgot how should it felt being at our early 20s.
that's when our windows were always opened towards each other at our shared backyard.
that's when a pause between our exchange of words was only a second away.
that's when a thousand miles was unimaginable.



when we were closer,
a distance was a change of heart away.
that's when closing the windows were never an option.

separuh jarak.

hujan, bukan melulu tentang memberi jalan pada air-air

yang bersesak-sesak pulang pada tanah.

tanah : 

rumah mereka yang mungkin ada yang masih, yang mungkin ada yang sudah

hujan, bukan melulu tentang memberi ruang berkumpul pada air-air

yang terakhir melepas rindu satu sama lain pada langit yang tak lagi biru.

biru :

tanah kelana yang lama-lama menjadi kelabu

'

hujan, sekali waktu adalah tentang jarak,

tentang sebuah antara :
pergi dan kembali.

hujan yang riang, menempuh sepenuh jarak dengan berlari lurus.

hujan yang marah, menempuh sepenuh jarak dengan berlari berputar.

hujan yang sedih, menempuh sepenuh jarak dengan menyeret langkah.

hujan yang gundah, menempuh jarak hanya separuh.

''

hujan, bukan melulu tentang jarak

yang harus ditempuh, penuh atau juga separuh.

hujan, sekali waktu adalah tentang jarak

yang harus dimulai, tentang sebuah jeda :

tentang sebuah koma.

"for a further better destination, a (quiet huge) step back might be necessary..."

.do i buy that?

[journal] a taste of half a season.

And suddenly it's February. I'm hoping to run with it, after January took me down.

Well, okay, January might not be the best month this year. Things happened, and those were not pleasant ones, unfortunately. Another lesson learnt. It's true that the only thing you can expect to come is the unexpected. No matter how good of a planner you might be, there's always some spaces for emergency. To re-plan is a consequence when you decided to plan at the first place.

Am I okay? Not really. Will I be okay? I don't know. I realize I'm more a logical person rather than an optimistic one. But, you know, it's not being optimistic that makes me figured out the way out. It's being logical does. So the question shouldn't be something too abstract, it should be clearer such do I have a resolution to face the things? Sure. I do.

I still can't go on the details, but this one thing happened sure gave me a big question. One most repeated question : what do I actually want in life?

Just now I realized the answer might not be everlasting. Just like the changing seasons. Or it might be everlasting. The first thing you have wants, the second thing you'd be tested as many as needed, do you really want it? Does it come right from heart, or just a temporary desire which fully occupy your mind?

There're so many resolutions to make, so many next way to take. Nobody said it's gonna be easier. Indeed, making a place for yourself in this world is a hard thing to do. Because this world is already a place not just for you.

Season changing. It's not a full season, yet.
And the taste of half a season is just bittersweet.

=====
ps :
The phrase "a taste of half a season" is inspired by some lines of dialogue on Japanese manga Strobe Edge. When I read the similar phrase used by its main characters, I suddenly felt the urge to write something about it.