[notes] just like seasons...

dreams do change
and so do hearts...

...that's why there's something called commitment.

if you're afraid of it, might as well you're afraid of change,
at the second layer you might be even too scared to dream and to love.

.

(somewhere under the rain, somewhere under the change of heart and dream)

mengurai.

simpul-simpul mati tak kasatmata
merepih dentum-dentum penanda peralihan detak.

acak. berpanjang tak sama.
berjarak. meniriskan hangat-hangat harap.

simpul-simpul mati tak kasatmata
mengikat erat-erat rasa yang semacam semu.

mengurainya adalah janji-janji nanti,
yang jika sampai pada waktunya ia tertagih,
berlapang dada bukan lagi pilihan.

[journal] planning a trip (2)

Now, it's time for the wishlist!

Soon as I realized that my oh-please-don't-say-the-number birthday will be coming in another six months, I decided to plan a trip as a birthday gift to myself. Let's say on my birthday I'd still stay single, then it'll definitely be a solo trip. Otherwise, let's just hope it'll be my honeymoon ;) ;) ;)

Well, I'm not yet coming with a fixed plan, just some ideas of where the destination should be. Or should I say, where I want it to be. Here's some list, and mind you, this is a WISHLIST. If you ever know me in real life, please don't check it with logic.

So here we go :)

.

1. Ubud, Bali, Indonesia.

2. Pantura (North Coast), Java, Indonesia.

3. Bromo Tengger Semeru National Park, East Java, Indonesia.

4. Site of Majapahit Ruins, East Java, Indonesia.

5. Footprints of Old Kingdoms of Sunda and Java, Indonesia. Purely to fulfill the need on finding my roots.

6. South East Asia : Malaysia (torn between Malaca and Johor Bahru) - Vietnam (still too can't decide for Hanoi or Ho Chi Minh City) - Cambodia (for its Angkor Wat for sure)

7. Singpore! Enough said.

8. Mecca - Madina. As a Moslem, I think it's natural that I put Umrah and Hajj to my prioritis :)

9. China : Hong Kong - Shanghai - Beijing.

10. Japan : Tokyo - Kyoto - Osaka.

11. South Korea : Seoul - Sejong - Incheon (featuring Songdo).

12. Spain : Andalusia - Barcelona.

13. The Netherlands : Amsterdam - Rotterdam - Delft.

14. The Europe : Frankfurt - Prague - Paris - Bruges - Freiburg - Vitoria Gasteiz (curiosity to the max) - Tuscany

15. The United Kingdom : London - Edinburgh - Nottingham.

16. The Forbidden : Alexandria - Petra - Jerusalem - Istanbul - Santorini.

17. The Old Dream That Won't Fade Away : San Francisco - Denver - Boston - New York. And oh plus Toronto, Canada.

Ummm...that's quite a list.

Now that I recheck them, it's not all of the list I want to visit ALONE nor for mere vacation. Furthermore, with some logic *doh*, not to mention only with a six month preparation, some just kick itself out the list. And yes, to think again, some of them I want to visit with my future partner of life. Some of them I want to visit with my future little family. Some of them I want to visit with my parents as a gift trip. Some of them I want to visit during my future PhD study. Well, some of them are still good as destination for the awaited solo-birthday-trip, though :)

Let's rock plan it! Please be good, Universe...for the fated itinerary and unexpected encounters, the places, the time, the footprints, and the pocket ;)

[journal] planning a trip (1)

The idea of being a solo traveler both thrilled and challenged me. However, in doing certain things that normally people would do in groups, such as watching a movie in cinema, eating out in restaurant, sipping coffee in cafe, and travelling, I prefer doing those on my own rather on groups. Well, sure with safety and convenience considered as top priorities, altogether with the budget, no need to tell ;)

Until today, I've only made a total five times of solo travelling. Not all fully solo, though, and not so much of numbers, of course, but sure more than enough to be grateful of. Here they are :

The first one was back in February 2007 with destination Singapore. The trip was initially meant for having interviews with two architecture companies of which I applied before. Both were failed, just for you to know *doh -___-" But I didn't regret the trip. It ended up with me strolling around the city for the rest of the days, contemplating much on "do I really really really want it or do I, actually, only think I wanted it?" Until the plane landed me back home, I just couldn't answer that.

The second one was in January 2008 with destination Malang, East Java. This one was originally done to attend my friend's wedding. At first I thought I would meet other friends either on my way or meet them there in Malang, but eventually all of them did not come. Well, the good things were my friend's family came to pick me at the train station and brought me to my friend's house, and I didn't need to think about the accommodation. The hotel was already booked and it was close to my friend's house. She also gave me some notes for some routes of public transportation, so I could do some wandering around for the free time, which was not too much. Practically I did not get a chance to explore the city by myself, but attending the wedding was enough. It was always good to spare your time attending friends' weddings, something I must admit lacking of in doing nowadays. Well, the only part I did not like about the trip was the fifteen hours sitting in the train, back and forth, that's it.

The third one was in August 2008 with destination Semarang, Central Java. This was another not-so-solo-trip since I did it as part of visiting my grandma and aunt. However, most of the strolling around the city for photo hunting were done in solo mode. Except for one or two walks which my aunt came accompanying me. The trip was definitely a good good break for me who lately was fed up being a part of some international conference committee. And then I realized vacation is indeed a need.

The fourth one was in March 2009. That was DEFINITELY my first REAL SOLO TRAVELING ever, with destination my favorite city : Yogyakarta. There's so much to tell about this trip, yet I might be three years too late for it. But I made a promise with myself to tell stories I haven't told. Well, I always found writing poems regarding the feeling I had toward almost all of things happened in my life as good and enough. But I did sometimes feel that telling the story as it was is just as good. So here, I am now making the list of stories I always wanted to tell yet I haven't done so. And the list does not contain only stories about my solo travelling. It also lists my other kind of travelling, the books I read, the music I listened to, the movie I watched, the shows I attended,... let's just say that was some kind of way for me to appreciate things those have made me feel so alive these past years, despite all the disappointments and broken hearts. Once in a while, it's actually good to be a stranger to yourself and eventually realized that despite all, life is good :)

The fifth trip was done recently, literally going to Solo for the sake of watching Matah Ati performance. Well, that one was not a real solo travelling though, since I've spent some of the trip with a friend and also some other new friends. It was fun, though ;) And I realized that some cities will remain as my favorite cities, after all.

Well, let's the stories queuing. This time hopefully not for too long ;)

api #5

aku terbakar.
asap yang mengepul adalah ampas cemburu, dan seburuk-buruknya dengki.

aku terbakar.
tanpa pertanda apa saja yang tersebut sebagai alasan.

aku terbakar.
mungkin sebanyak hirupan nafas.

aku terbakar.
lalu sebelum hangus, ada ingatan berkelebat.

:

aku dan kamu, dulu, pernah bersepakat mengelabui tuhan.
sebelum kita diluncurkan ke dalam perut-perut bunda,
kita tukar hati-hati kita dengan penuh hati-hati
lalu kita berjanji,
tak kan mati oleh diri sendiri,
sebelum nanti saling bertemu dan kembali bertukar hati yang sebenar-benarnya
milik masing-masing kita. dan lalu hidup tua bersama.

.

kupegang janjiku, dengan segenap percaya kau pun begitu.

"membesar-besarkan hati, lalu membersihkannya dari segala rongsokan hidup, agar niat yang sudah bulat-bulat dapat menggelinding leluasa, mengisi hati penuh-penuh tanpa tertahan ego maupun dengki"

[untitled]

human is the most complicated paradoxical living being. this' not about their body's cells, nor even their mind. but their heart. that's why, i see, they fall in love. and walk out of love. they feel the urge of being acknowledged in groups, yet they also unconsciously crave for some solitary moments. some of them demand changes in life, some of them afraid of it. nonetheless, heart is always a subject to change. some think before they speak, some speak and then caught in regrets. but words, both ways, are keep recycling all over the universe and will always eventually find new homes on newly born minds. of all, they denied the existence of dual opposite poles within themselves, the black and the white, the devil and the angel, the bad and the good. so they seek sanctuary - a chamber where they could be convinced that it's just humane - called conscience.

- widyastri, her inner thoughts - 

pesta topeng.

di sana, mereka membicarakan perjalanan besok lusa
berdebat menentukan tujuan, apakah Venus atau Mars, atau Saturnus

di sini, kita masih menyibukkan diri dengan berbisik-bisik mengenai pesta topeng
kasak-kusuk kepadanya begitu, dan kepadanya yang lain begini

bahagia mereka tuliskan rapi-rapi setelah angka "1"
tanpa benar mengerti apa-apa di baliknya,
mereka berhenti pada :
tawa tak berkesudahan,
kantong yang selalu berisi,
dan lingkaran yang tertutup sempurna.

kamu bilang pesta topeng itu dosa,
karena memaksakan kebohongan.

aku bilang apa yang salah...
...ia memaksa kita menemukan kebenaran,
justru dengan cara tercepat : merasakan sakitnya menahan sesuatu yang sedari awal bukan milik kita.

.
di sana, mereka membicarakan perjalanan besok lusa
berdebat menentukan tujuan, apakah Venus atau Mars, atau Saturnus
(dalam hati masing-masing : "di mana yang terbaik untuk sebuah pesta topeng besar-besaran?")

"( )"

berceritalah padaku,
lewat laut, darat maupun udara

tentang dirimu, dan lika-likunya, di matamu...
...bukan tentangmu di mata mereka, yang lalu mereka ceritakan padamu, dan lantas kamu ceritakan kembali padaku.


berceritalah padaku,
dengan seakan-akan hanya aku sendiri yang mendengarmu,
dan sisa dunia tuli akan tuturmu.

berceritalah padaku,
nanti usai kita saling berkirim doa diam-diam.

(bersambung)

langit merah menjadi latar abadi bagi hujan,
setiap ia kembali pada pangkuan senja.

tanah merekam jejak bulir-bulirnya pada setiap helai rumput.

dan waktu mencatat, betapa bumi berputar,
mengembalikan yang pergi pada sebuah kata pulang.

begitu sebuah cerita berulang,
karena tamat berarti menyimpan perjalanan rapi-rapi di dalam hati,
dan mengubur dalam-dalam rasa percaya akan keniscayaan sebuah pertemuan dan perpisahan.

#longstoryshort 3

EVERYTHING ENDS IN SOME RANDOM NIGHTS. OF YOU AND ME. OF THEM AND US. AND WE CAN'T EVEN DECIDE WHICH ONE IS EXACTLY WHAT'S BEEN NAMED MOVING ON. IS IT TO STOP THE TIME. OR TO FAST FORWARD IT. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, KEEP WALKING THE UNCONSCIOUSLY SAME SPEED JUST WON'T DO.

#longstoryshort 2

and there's a midnight,which sits back to back with a noon. each with different future ahead, yet both'd end as a same past.

#longstoryshort 1

there's this story about universe, which started with dust, and end with dust. with a perfect day of you and me in between.

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. - Dr. Seuss -

love is a nonsense,

it wakes up the brain cells
asking them endlessly to try finding out the possibility of it ends happily.

it tickles the labyrinth of hearts
lowering down the maze walls so it could peek where its catcher might be standing, waiting for.

and again,
love is a nonsense,

it took beyond the senses to get it.

. . .
inspired by
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. - Dr. Seuss -

(red sunset)

kinasih :
kamu perhatikan tidak...
senja adalah persiapan langit membakar matahari, sebelum ia kabur seperti kemarin-kemarin.
tidakkah kamu mau membantunya, hentikan waktu sebentar saja, agar cukup terkumpul olehnya warna merah?

sebelas :

tapi ia tidak mengobarkannya. ia memampatkannya, seperti bola.

cukup untuk membakar habis satu matahari.

untuk apa waktu berlebih?

kinasih :
merah bukan hanya untuk membakar matahari,
tapi untuk menyelubungi bumi pada bagian ia ditinggalkan sang raja tata surya.
kamu tidak perhatikan juga...
begitu ia habis terbakar, langit tidak lantas hitam bukan..
ada sebarang waktu, bagi penduduk untuk menyalakan hati-hati mereka,
sebelum semesta jadi gelap,
oleh merah-merah yang tersisa.

maka, senja membutuhkannya, sebanyak-banyaknya.

sebelas :

baiklah.

aku hanya perlu membuat jarak berlebih, dengan dua belas,

begitu?

kinasih :
ya.
kamu tahu kan, semakin dekat kalian, semakin cepat ia terbakar.
ia adalah merah terakhir yang akan senja pungut.
maka berjaraklah kalian berdua,

setengah lingkar bumi, jika perlu.

sebelas :

matahari,

di timur ia membakar,

di barat ia terbakar.

di antaranya senja memerah. yang ingin aku lihat selamanya.

tapi jika kuberjarak setengah lingkar bumi dengan dua belas,

maka langit akan juga ikut terbakar.

dan tak kan ada lagi di timur ia membakar.

tak kan ada lagi di barat ia terbakar.

dan senja tak kan lagi merah, tapi hitam.

to let go vs. to accept

when i wrote this : "this year is not gonna be about be patience, but all about letting go", i definitely forgot that to wish an ability to let go requires the same level of ability to accept. to accept things as they were. to accept things those beyond our own power to handle.

so here i am, again, going back and forth. in attempt to move on. and found out another ridiculous fact. indeed, to accept is way harder to let go.

true findings.

yet thankfully i don't ever feel any need to go back to square zero. taking a pit stop, and to continue the walk full force, is surely enough :)

. . . . . . . . . . .

jiwa terjaga pada raga yang berkelana,
mata hati terbuka pada pandangan yang teduh,
telinga pasang pada pendengaran yang merdu.

cita hadir dengan sadar,
cinta tumbuh dalam keberserahan.

kuikatkan kata-kataku pada janji,
kurekatkan janji pada lembar-lembar surat
yang saling layang antara bumi dan langit
tepat pada saat-saat matahari bersolek demi sebuah pagi.

] - - - - - - [

tak ada labirin yang tak berjalankeluar.
tak ada labirin yang tak menahan jiwa-jiwa kesepian untuk berkubur di dalamnya.
tak ada labirin yang tak ada untuk perpisahan.

: : : : : : : : :

kamu adalah udara yang sedianya membuatku bernafas lega.
sesekali, dalam kecepatan, pernah kamu buat nafasku terburu,
dan seringkali, pada ketinggian, kamu membuatku sesak.


dan pada satu waktu, nanti, sekali untuk selamanya


bisa kamu buat aku bernafas hanya dengan senyum, cukup dengan ada...
bisa juga kamu buat aku mati dengan begitu saja hilang dari penghirupanku.

secangkir kopi instan,
dan perasaan yang terlalu cepat mekar,
lalu terlalu cepat pula pudar.


secangkir kopi tubruk,
dan perasaan yang meminta banyak waktu untuk tumbuh, 
lengkap dengan butir-butir pahitnya
yang lalu mengendap bersama rasa manis yang tersembunyi.