.5

Saya bukan penulis, jadi menggunakan istilah writer's block rasanya terlalu berlebihan. Namun rasanya memang tidak ada frasa lain yang bisa dengan benar menggambarkan apa yang saya alami selama beberapa tahun belakangan ini. Menulis memang adalah salah satu cara saya mengeluarkan isi kepala dan hati, yang sampai saat ini masih saya percaya menjadi sahabat baik setiap saya merasakan tekanan dalam diri, maka tentunya kondisi writer's block ini membuat saya sering merasa sesak.

Saya lupa kapan tepatnya kondisi ini bermula. Namun saya ingat kira-kira setelah saya pindah ke Jakarta di semester akhir 2013, frekuensi menulis saya menurun hampir sangat drastis. Letupan-letupan bukannya tidak ada. Namun pelan-pelan saya lebih memilih untuk tidak mencatatnya dan malah membiarkannya lebur saja bersama udara, saat itu. Saya pun lalu mulai kehilangan kendali akan setapak-setapak yang saya buat, baik sengaja maupun tidak. Dan lama-lama, saya pun mulai kehilangan diri saya sendiri.

Kalau boleh membuat alasan, sejujurnya saat itu saya merasa roda kehidupan saya berputar cepat sekali, tidak memberikan waktu untuk banyak berpikir. Apalagi menulis. 

2013-2014 bukanlah tahun-tahun yang baik bagi hati saya. 2015-2016 yang saya sangka akan lebih bersahabat, nyatanya sama saja. Namun bedanya, di dua tahun yang terakhir itu saya sudah lebih bersahabat dengan diri yang gelisah, antara ingin tanah untuk berpijak dan langit untuk terbang. Tetap saja, bukan tahun-tahun yang baik untuk membuat keputusan apa pun, tetapi pada akhirnya saya membuat satu keputusan yang membawa saya ke titik yang ini. Titik yang (tetap) penuh abu-abu, tetapi dengan rona yang membuat saya (merasa lebih) bersinar, ini saya yakini sepenuh hati.

Sampai di sini, pertanyaan itu kembali: bisakah saya menulis kembali?

#Reply2010 *)

to my 27 of year version.
when i was foolish,
when i was in love,
when i was being ignorance to all heartaches.

to my curiosity on non-burst balloons of mind,
when i was jumpy and energetic,
when i asked all questions but "do you love me?",
when i say yes to all the jokes those never meant to be.

to the 2010.
among my point zeros, one that most memorable,
most heartbreaking, most lovely with decent amount of sweetness.

i miss you.
please answer me. at your convenience. 



*) inspired by Reply 1988.

#thelifeofafangirlheart

whenever i feel tired, this song never go wrong.

bigbang, a big tree to the soul with a bang.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

#thelifeofafangirlheart

september 2016.

there are times in life, where all you need is a fit-all kind of hug, a Baymax-Hiro or a Calvin-Hobbes type of hug. there are other times, where all you need is a "don't go, please" kind of request. there are other times, where all you need is none other than letting all of those go, that they just happened to be things not belong to you.

i had a dream, of visiting M and M, of exploring I, of having a slow vacation at K and O, of finally going an E trip, all with the two hands full of other hearts than mine, of baggage not only a single back-not-so-pack. i had a dream of having pieces of paper full of checklist, making sure that nothing would go wrong, while he's busy taking care (read : playing with) him and her. i had a dream that one day, i don't have to live another solitary days.

however i now have an only dream, to become one who'd be well deserved of having such dreams. that dreams never come with only "do come true" but also with "undying responsibility" and "unstoppable after effects".

life is indeed a series of how you make peace with your faith. not with how people perceive it, not with how people expect you to perceive it. not with how you assume it expects you to perceive it.



God loves you. and supposedly, in any way, a vice versa. do you?

ekor.

masih memegang ekor mimpi yang sama,
masih mengelus bulu-bulu halusnya yang sedang tegang,
masih mencoba menggodanya dengan bola-bola karet warna-warni sambil bilang,
"itu pelangi".

dia anak baik, dia hanya minta satu,
tapi aku membacanya satu ratus, kadang, satu ribu.

dia anak manis, sabar menunggu sambil mendengarkan senandung "god doesn't love me".
lalu aku marah. "god loves you for sure."
lalu aku diam, aku ingat, tak bisa aku memastikannya.

dia pun bergeming, masih dengan senandungnya, masih dengan senyumnya.
masih pula dengan sabarnya.

masih memegang ekor mimpi yang sama,
kali ini sambil sedikit waswas.

mungkin aku terlalu erat menariknya dalam genggaman,
mungkin aku terlalu lengah hingga mungkin nanti malam dia lolos.

mungkin aku hanya tidak percaya
pada pilihan sendiri.

mungkin aku hanya terlalu takut
dia meninggalkan aku,
tanpa apa-apa sedikitpun.

mungkin dia (masih) terlalu besar bagiku.
mungkin begitu.


"god loves you. 
too much, he wants you to learn by yourself 
how to get rid of your own inferiority. 

don't disappoint him."

solitary.

dear Azalea,

be strong. stand for yourself. be nice. restrain yourself from talking too much. be brave. listen and read the world wholeheartedly. you are the one who'd be held responsible for the life you build.

and if you have to choose one or two comrades, i pray that your heart would lead you to those who are equal match for you. in good and bad.

because Azalea, i believe you are granted with things no less and no more than that of how much you had fight for.


love and pat,

i.

[catatan] jalan.

ada banyak jalan untuk bermimpi. ada banyak cabang jalan untuk mewujudkannya. bukan berarti yang saya pilih adalah yang paling benar, atau yang kamu pilih adalah yang terbaik. bukankah kita yang tahu ke mana Dia mengarahkan petunjuknya bagi kita? mungkin saja kan, kiri bagiku dan kanan bagimu.

ada banyak jalan untuk berbahagia. ada banyak cabang jalan untuk merasakannya. bukan berarti kebahagiaan itu menurut saya palsu, atau kebahagiaan ini menurutmu adalah yang sejati. bukankah kita yang tahu bagaimana Dia berkuasa atas hati kita? bukankah mungkin dibolakbaliknya rasa dalam hati kita, hingga yang sejati hanyalah kuasanya yang niscaya.

ada banyak jalan untuk berdamai. ada banyak cabang jalan untuk memeluknya seutuhnya. bukan berarti berdamai dengan masa lalu itu lebih penting daripada kompromi dengan masa depan. bukankah masa selalu bergulir, dan membutir, lalu hanyut bersama buih di samudra, ibu segala kala? bukankah berdamai itu cukup antara kita dan kita saja, karena waktu, sekarang maupun nanti, bukan lawan juga kawan.

tiga puluh tiga, dan sebelas hari.

hari ini adalah jumat di depan layar
dengan kadar kenangan yang sedikit lebih kuat dari biasanya.
setiap perpindahan adegan, matamu terbayang-bayang,
setiap pertukaran kata, suaramu bergaung.

april tiba pada akhirnya,
akhirnya dari cerita tanpa awal.
ingatan jarak pendek tak kenal jeda dua puluh delapan hari.

ingatan tentangmu itu menyakitkan.
ingatan tentangmu itu selalu penuh dengan ragu-ragu,
penuh senyum tertahan. penuh dengan harap cemas. penuh dengan kecewa.

mungkin memang aku takut padamu,
yang sudah membaur dengan debu-debu hati.
mungkin memang aku lari darimu,
yang jejaknya tertanam kuat dalam benak.

aku tak bisa ke mana-mana,
tidak juga ke hatimu, tidak juga ke benakmu.

layar sudah hitam.
aku di sini, mencoba untuk kesekian kalinya
memecah kristal yang belum terbeku.

.

catatan setelah menonton sebuah sekuel fenomenal di akhir bulan april,

sebuah perayaan yang terlalu sore, sebuah kenangan yang masih berjalan pagi

azalea.

kembali musimmu,
di ujung negeri, di tanah tinggi.

kembali rindumu,
jejak yang tak mau hilang,
rasa yang tak mau menguap.

kembali mimpimu,
lebih untuk diri,
namun pada tuhan dan semesta.

diam.

semua punya cara untuk diam.

dengan menghitung hujan.
dengan menunggu matahari.
dengan berdiri pada tebing.
dengan menusuk hati.
dengan mematikan rasa.

semua punya cara untuk diam.
tersimpan dalam peti kemas,
yang dalam perjalanan menuju pulau tak bertali.

semua sibuk berteriak,
kadang berbisik.

yang penting tidak diam.

karena mereka ingin hidup sendiri.

bait yang dirindukan.

tanya-tanya tak harus selalu berjawab,
tapi mereka harus selesai.

terungkaplah,
lalu berdamailah.

kuping-kuping bumi tidak tuli,
mereka merekam setiap tanda tanya yang tertekan.
dan menyelesaikan satu-satu dengan suara
untuk ditangkap hanya oleh hati, sebuah pesan singkat bacalah.

tentu bacalah adalah sebuah niat dengan atas nama,
karena tuhan maha baik,
tak selalu dia hadirkan yang dirindu,
tapi justru disimpannya baik-baik dalam bait.

bait yang dirindukan,
yang nantinya akan penuh dengan jawaban.

yang akan datang pada waktunya.
maka sekarang bersabarlah, dan bacalah.

kembali.

pernahkah aku berterima kasih?

untuk semua bait yang keluar dari hati,
untuk untaian benang kusut yang meresah dalam kepala,
untuk setiap rasa yang bertalu, dan berlalu mencari kristalnya.
untuk ke-ada-anmu yang memenuhi makna pada jatuh hati.

pernahkah aku berterima kasih,
dan memintamu untuk kembali?

[catatan] menulis adalah.

Selama hampir sepuluh tahun, menulis adalah suaka bagi saya. Menulis adalah upaya menjaga hati dan pikiran saya agar tetap, setidaknya, tidak keruh oleh debu yang tak kenal batas ruang. Saya memang bukan seseorang yang pandai menulis, hanya saja sudah terlanjur jatuh cinta dengan caranya menenangkan sebagian dari diri saya. Sejak entah kapan, saya pun sadar, saya tidak bisa tidak menulis. Rasanya lebih tenang memiliki karya yang tidak sempurna, ketimbang rasa atau pun ide yang membusuk dalam ilusi kesempurnaannya.

Sekalipun banyak yang mengatakan saya adalah orang yang cukup tertutup, saya sendiri tidak merasa demikian. Saya merasa cukup membuka diri saya. Secukupnya. Dan cara ternyaman bagi saya untuk melakukannya adalah dengan menulis. Puisi kebetulan adalah bentuk yang saya pilih untuk mewadahi hampir sebagian besar percikan diri saya yang ingin menyeruak menyapa apa-apa yang ada di luarnya. Menulis, dalam hal ini, adalah jalan paling aman bagi saya untuk membuka sebagian diri. Dan tentunya paling menyenangkan. 

Setiap kali saya merasakan gejolak emosi di dalam diri, tangan saya serta merta mencari pensil dan kertas, atau papan ketik dan layar. Entah itu emosi kanan atau pun kiri; senang, jatuh cinta, sedih, marah, patah hati, kecewa, bangga, malu, kesal, dan mungkin jenis-jenis emosi tak bernama lainnya. Menulis adalah sebuah bentuk keseimbangan yang mungkin sudah sedari awal menempatkan dirinya dalam konstruksi sikap seorang saya.

Saya sangat menyukai kondisi di mana segala sesuatunya ada dalam kendali saya. Rencana dan eksekusi dan hasil. Sayangnya, segala sesuatu tidak suka berada di dalam kendali saya. Menulis, juga, bagi saya adalah sebuah pelajaran tentang memilih bagaimana saya bersikap terhadap diri saya sendiri. Apakah saya akan bersikap keras atau lunak, atau di antaranya, atau terlalu daripadanya. Bisa saja saya memilih untuk memaafkan diri sendiri. Bisa jadi pula saya memilih untuk menyimpan dendam dan bom waktu terhadap diri sendiri.

Menulis adalah menjinakkan ketakutan akan gejolak manusiawi yang sedianya teman perjalanan mencari jati bagi diri. Sebaiknya ia menjadi bagian dari hari, sependek apa pun.

Karenanya, adalah hal yang cukup menyakitkan ketika perlahan ia tak sengaja terlepas, dan kadang terlupakan. Ada bagian dari sebuah perjalanan tanpa henti yang menghilang. Perjalanan tak lagi pernah genap. Bukan sempurna, namun genap. Ia menjadi terlalu ganjil untuk dianggap lumrah.

Sebelum semua terlanjur lewat. Sebelum hujan terbawa angin, dan debu-debu berganti tanpa berjejak, ada sedikit usaha untuk mengenggamnya kembali. Sedikit-sedikit. Perlahan-lahan. Hingga nanti, semoga, ia menjadi penuh dalam pelukan seperti sedia kala.

Saya menulis, karena itu saya dapat menuang sedikit setiap jati dari diri, dan membiarkannya berkelana bersama waktu.

dear i.,

you know. as an arian woman, i was born under the strong influence of fire. i might be reckless and most of times harsh with words. but i'm always trying hard. so hard it hurts me. to be good. to bring no harms to other. to not make things worse. to not deliberately hurting people. i failed many times, though. but i do learn each of the lessons. am never a good student, though.

i don't take sweet words, nor do i give. i do not praise unless somethings really impressed me. but when i do, it came from the depth of my heart. i don't do empty appreciation. but in another side, i do not bash either. unless you brought harm to my life. i always try to keep my complaints at the minimum level. i strongly hold to my own principles, but i do try hard to compromise and adapt.

i can handle all the unexpected. except two things : betrayal and slyness.

when i came to you and entrust my dreams to you, i really meant it. i seriously build a good intention to plan a future, by committing to you. and by committing, i did accept there wont be all honeymoon. i prepare myself for a future i always dream of alongside with its winding road. i though it would be exciting. i really do.

but then the path was just happened not meant for me. that's okay. not everything is for everyone anyway. i just thought that i lost the battle fair and square. or at the very least : clean and clear.

guess i am wrong.

and guess what. you don't want to mess with an april-born woman. not once in your dream. betrayal and slyness means only one thing : a revenge. a sweet and sharp of it, with a long stab and a quick pull. i'll be patiently dancing the heartbreak.

i won't hate you. that's quite a love, don't you think. but i'll remember you all my way to the castle of my dream. and i'll calmly learn my lesson well :

1. never plan a future with someones who do not have a plan for themselves.
2. never build the castle of my dreams over the shattered ruins of selfish little kingdoms.

i am so done with you.


sincerely,
a former pawn of your chessboard backyard.


ps : thank you for the adventures. i learnt my lesson very well :)

BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia : A Review (Part I - A Wrap Up)

Wow, I am surprised to see that my last post about BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia reached over than 5000 hits. It also got several repost on twitter :") Of course there're also other reviews circulating on social media, and I'm also amazed on how there're so many other flaws those being identified later. But I'm not gonna add them here and I'm not gonna make any second time filtering. I do hope the promoters got their lessons learnt.

Or not.

It's almost 3 x 24 hour post events and no official clarifications nor apology delivered. You can't say an apology on twitter (and a private one to that) official right. And still, no explanations. We deserve them. Reading how they responded to our complaints made me end up feeling sick (literally I had a fever) and crazily mad (please, I want to stay civilized). So I was so happy when I scrolled my twitter timeline and found this :

Clarification and Official Apology For The Mistreatment in Big Bang MADE Concert in Jakarta

It was indeed a mistreatment!

Please, people, don't misunderstood. Don't see this as we exaggeratedly defending our favorite artists, or egocentrically spoiling our demands. This is not about that. This is about consumer rights the promoter had violated. By paying an amount of price, normally we hope to get 'goods' appropriate with the price tag. In this case, we didn't get that. The differences in qualities promised and what we got in reality was just too huge. That's the case. And for us who worked really hard to pay the number and wait really long for 'goods' (in this case it's the show), this is a serious matter.

If you happened to be a VIP, especially who attended MADE Tour in Indonesia, I hope you would like to sign the petition and spread it :)

Done my sign.

I hope from now on, I can move on from my disappointment and rage towards the event's organizer. And I sincerely hope, these kind of things wouldn't happen to any VIPs out there :)


Now let's get readyyy for MADE Series E!!! Yay!



#MADETOURINA #personal #theworldofafangirlsheart

BIGBANG MADE Tour in Indonesia : A Review (Part I)

So, yesterday I finally crossed one of my top wishlist : watching a BIGBANG full concert, BIGBANG 2015 World Tour [MADE] in Jakarta, held on August 1st, 2015 at Indonesia Convention Exhibition (ICE) BSD City by promoter Melania Citra Prima (MCP) and AMI Live Entertainment. I need to convey all my feelings concerning the show and I'd like to write them down on two parts : Part I would be talking about how the event was held and Part II would be talking about the show itself and the boys too ;) I need to seperate the two parts as the mood were way too different for both.

Let's start from the the first part then.

Disclaimer : this part would be mostly felt bitter. Please proceed at your own risk, otherwise you might want to skip this. I'd try my best to write as polite as I could, yet I won't hold myself from being blunt and to the point. To be honest, I'm not even in a mood to write in a descriptive way, yet I want to get this uneasy feeling to come out once for all. So I'm gonna make it all straight. All the articles of official announcements regarding the event by promoter could be viewed here, and I'd used them as reference to write all pointers on this first part.

First thing first, I'm thankful for the promoter, of which I believe worked their hardest to bring my most favorite superstars here. However, from the very bottom of my heart I really really really do wish they would not ever even think to organize any other event, international events (including concerts), especially, unless they learnt their lesson. So UNPROFESSIONAL.

Let me sort it out (note : these points were gathered from personal observation or fan accounts through twitter on replies to MCP) :

The "promises" that didn't happen : 

• A limited VIP Package >> what's so limited of an overly crowded section? if it's really true that they sold 1.200 of VIP Package (and later somebody said it was actually 2.300 people on the PINK section), i think we have different interpretation of the word "limited" and "VIP".
• Sound check and fast track available only for VIP Package >> how about additional given through lucky draw for late sale?
• That the VIP Package would enter the venue before sound check, no need to queue again and re-enter the venue >> is a big NO. we had to queue twice, for the sound check and for the actual concert. with such number of VIP ticket holder, it was sure a chaos organizing audience to go into the venue, then go out, re-queue, and re-enter again. 
• There would be limited lockers >> no locker at all.
• There would be a gift corner >> none at all! this is the worst.
• Prohibition to bring any kind of camera and other gadgets such as tabs and tongsis. also small chairs >> spotted some tongsis, some people said there were even DSLR camera passed the security checked, and there was definitely some people brought small chairs into the section.
• Prohibition to bring foods and drink the the venue >>  food and drink brought from outside were confiscated, yet they provided a hall with food/drink with no proper number of trash bags. bottles and boxes everywhere. so messy >.<
• The concert should be started at 6.30 pm >> it was not started on time. the boys had to cut one song from encore :((

Missed common preparation : 

• The venue was actually very good! However it was very unfortunate that the promoter looked like did not do a check and recheck, might as well did not do a proper preparatiosn, for following matters : space layout (that's one big venue, for God sake), almost all the toilets did not function well (no water on jet washer--oh please, no water even on washtafel washbowl (edited. i'm sorry for the typo, but i don't wish to delete this post. sorry for the inconvenience, i was just too emotional to check before.)...these are so basic!), and some people even said it was hard finding rooms for prayer. 
• NO PUBLICATION BANNER & SIGN SYSTEM. This is crucial. No banner or any sign to show there will be BIGBANG performing at the day. No signage showing literally where people needs to go, whether where the queue lines for each categories, where the merchandise stall, where the food trucks, which way to go in, and etc. These are also very basic. How come?
• NO COORDINATION AMONG CREWS. Yes, everything those happened yesterday convinced this. Just when audiences asked something to nearest crew, all the answer was :"Wah, i don't know." Really?? Weren't you there suppose to help the event to go smoothly??
• A very messy queue system. Just as I predicted before, and even worse. Really. It was so chaotic, the YG staff even had to help managing the ins and outs of VIP's ticket holder on sound checks and the actual concert time. Some people on twitter even said they looked so upset with the local security.

To complete the list, these are information I just known after the show :

• Apparently some security guards allowed around 50s people to enter the venue without tickets. Like, SERIOUSLY? This could mean no security, no?
• Some merchandise were sold with higher price than how much it's suppose to be.
• There were logos of another entertainment agency on the merchandise plastic wrapping. You gotta be kidding me!
• The send off event was a total mess. Some of the lucky draw winner got to leave the concert venue early, missing the encore, to wait outside while it was raining and no shelter just to find later that the boys has just left the venue without the send-off. That's so cruel, in my opinion. 
• I know the stage (including lightings) and the sound system were not part of MCP responsibility but rather AMI Live's. However, as the local promoter who suppose to know the venue better, I think MCP could also coordinate the technical issues better. Now I know I am not the only one who very disappointed with the sound. The boys were still singing well, though, but somehow I feel they felt inconvenient with the sound. I hope that's only my proven-wrong thought. 

Okay, that's from me. If you want to see how bad we, Indonesian VIPs, were very disappointed by promoter works, just go to their twitter and read all those furious replies. Those tell everything.  

Hufft . . .

Do they even aware that they held a world tour concert event with over than 5000 audience?

Do they even realize it was BIGBANG they were bringing?

Do they even know it was VIPs they're dealing with?



Okay. Let's end the Part I here. I don't even want to remember how messy things were anymore. I even had a hard time admitting that the price I paid was very much not worth it. Honestly speaking it ruined my mood very much. I hope the promoter and the crew learnt their lesson. And I do think they owe the audience a press conference clarifying everymessythings those happened and of course, an apology, towards VIPs and all the audience, and to the boys. Their concert deserves much much muchhhhh better handling.

It was only and ONLY the BIGBANG themselves who save the night. But that's on PART II, guys :)


#MADETOURINA #personal #theworldofafangirlsheart
I'm very sorry for the bad words, but I really need to let these out. Will do some second time filtering later. As for now, this first draft needed to be published the way it is.


ps : when i saw some of the fancams later the day after, it broke my heart to see Daesung's worried expression watching the audience were pushing each other and Ri's being surprised of the sudden fireworks at sound check. but what i hate the most was some disrespectful words someone said about Ri with mentioning his name on her IG's group photo with Ri himself. how come they let them :'(

wahai,

akan kukejar kau ke ujung dunia
dan memaksakan jejak maya yang seharusnya tertapak.


sekian,
karena saya masihlah manusia biasa.

demikian, tentangmu.

dan lalu, kesatria terbang.
ke langit ke sembilan, semesta yang dibangunnya setelah mimpi.
tak ada tanah yang mampu menahannya tetap pada bumi.
tak pula jejaring cerita semu akan ingatan yang berurai.

dan lalu tentang puri,
yang masih belum pondasi :
sebuah galeri kaca suaka segala asumsi.
tentang dia. siapa lagi.

juga tentang hati. yang ini milikku.

suatu pagi di duaribudua.
suatu malam di duaribusembilan.
labirin itu buntu. sudah. dan tetap demikian. sampai nanti.

dan akhirnya, kesatria terbang.
meleburkan labirin, tanpa menengok lagi ke belakang.


maka kali ini, giliran hati milikku,
- karena ia tak pernah putri yang dicarinya -
untuk kembali percaya pada rasa yang nyata.

- suatu waktu di duaribulimabelas :

untuk semua putaran energi misterius,

yang mencari rumahnya bersama tarian aksara

surat-surat cinta yang tak bertakdir,

terima kasih.

change.

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my morning :
from a bluish floral-patterned gown to cotton shorts and light white t-shirt

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my noon :
from bread and coffee - if not skipping lunch - to a full set of green salad

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my early evening :
from daydreams and random scribble to proper reading and past writings color-palette experiments

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my nights :
simply, from cups of black coffee to a full mug of hot chocolate

have i told you before,
that it's only my midnights you could never do anything about :
since it's where all of our changes met and had their battle. for good and for the absence of infinity.

daylights told no lies,
while truths are however hidden beyond the darkest of nights.
that so, when your only request was please be honest with me,
it's easy. we have all the midnights in the universe
(the unalterable that refuses to hide anything) :
to witness our unspeakable confessions, to hide all the truths only our hearts know.

yes, it was.

it was a plain phase of seasons changing,
not your typical : nice, no longer too cold yet too warm.

it was a boring melody of lullabies,
a company for through zillion nights of hopelessness.

it was a shaken faith of spiritual encounters,
a harshly quiet battle between trust and distrusts.

it was a series of nights of thousands untold tales,
a beginning, a conflict, and an ending. a closure of all.

it was never an open ending of yesterday,
so that better never, in fact, the right word to start the day.

it was how things slowly vanished, and reborn.