dear i.,

you know. as an arian woman, i was born under the strong influence of fire. i might be reckless and most of times harsh with words. but i'm always trying hard. so hard it hurts me. to be good. to bring no harms to other. to not make things worse. to not deliberately hurting people. i failed many times, though. but i do learn each of the lessons. am never a good student, though.

i don't take sweet words, nor do i give. i do not praise unless somethings really impressed me. but when i do, it came from the depth of my heart. i don't do empty appreciation. but in another side, i do not bash either. unless you brought harm to my life. i always try to keep my complaints at the minimum level. i strongly hold to my own principles, but i do try hard to compromise and adapt.

i can handle all the unexpected. except two things : betrayal and slyness.

when i came to you and entrust my dreams to you, i really meant it. i seriously build a good intention to plan a future, by committing to you. and by committing, i did accept there wont be all honeymoon. i prepare myself for a future i always dream of alongside with its winding road. i though it would be exciting. i really do.

but then the path was just happened not meant for me. that's okay. not everything is for everyone anyway. i just thought that i lost the battle fair and square. or at the very least : clean and clear.

guess i am wrong.

and guess what. you don't want to mess with an april-born woman. not once in your dream. betrayal and slyness means only one thing : a revenge. a sweet and sharp of it, with a long stab and a quick pull. i'll be patiently dancing the heartbreak.

i won't hate you. that's quite a love, don't you think. but i'll remember you all my way to the castle of my dream. and i'll calmly learn my lesson well :

1. never plan a future with someones who do not have a plan for themselves.
2. never build the castle of my dreams over the shattered ruins of selfish little kingdoms.

i am so done with you.


sincerely,
a former pawn of your chessboard backyard.


ps : thank you for the adventures. i learnt my lesson very well :)

change.

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my morning :
from a bluish floral-patterned gown to cotton shorts and light white t-shirt

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my noon :
from bread and coffee - if not skipping lunch - to a full set of green salad

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my early evening :
from daydreams and random scribble to proper reading and past writings color-palette experiments

have i told you before,
that you're the one who changed my nights :
simply, from cups of black coffee to a full mug of hot chocolate

have i told you before,
that it's only my midnights you could never do anything about :
since it's where all of our changes met and had their battle. for good and for the absence of infinity.

daylights told no lies,
while truths are however hidden beyond the darkest of nights.
that so, when your only request was please be honest with me,
it's easy. we have all the midnights in the universe
(the unalterable that refuses to hide anything) :
to witness our unspeakable confessions, to hide all the truths only our hearts know.

yes, it was.

it was a plain phase of seasons changing,
not your typical : nice, no longer too cold yet too warm.

it was a boring melody of lullabies,
a company for through zillion nights of hopelessness.

it was a shaken faith of spiritual encounters,
a harshly quiet battle between trust and distrusts.

it was a series of nights of thousands untold tales,
a beginning, a conflict, and an ending. a closure of all.

it was never an open ending of yesterday,
so that better never, in fact, the right word to start the day.

it was how things slowly vanished, and reborn.

[sidenotes] LOSER.

a solo clip for TAEYANG story line. a full LOSER MV here.

despite how out of senses it might be, this clip is a very well packed summary of reasons why he is my bias. as much as i am open minded to an opposite attract theory, similarities speak no lies.

at first, however, i was dumbfounded, "that's it? really?" i didn't even bothered to elaborate the story line. what is there a metaphor of loser actually? but then various keywords flew through my head. all struck me. 

faithless. museless. emptiness. anxiousness.

i just strangely feel i could relate to those restlessness. strangely, i could feel the urge to question nearly everything, to unreasonably drive other people mad and then throwing the additional punch when they gave "what's your problem, dude?", to isolate myself among those trash pile (which i, too, strangely assumed as a metaphor to a cumulative mess of life you've unconsciously been cultivating, in a worse version : your sins). to randomly spread the signs of longing with those "leave me alone" vibe. spoiled much, no. he needs a big hug, from the back. with some "bro, calm down, would you".

nonetheless, his tearless cry while lying on the ground and his gaze on that black knitted mask perfectly represent those kind of emotions i'd like to hide from the rest of the world. because, of course, nobody (literally as in nobody) would understand anyway. being complicated is a choice, as addictive as it is, a twisted version of happiness. happiness on a parallel universe, might be.

i guess this clip tickles the masculine side of my brain just right. 

ps : so that's how the wheelchair came, i see *deep sigh*

[notes] november.

november,
it's sure a hard work cleaning all these mess left by october,
the one i never thought would be among my worst months.

november,
all i ever need was a clear blue sky,
as clear as honesty.
and a red sunsets over the bridge,
as bright as being bold.

november,
again i learnt it the hard way :
for good needs a real good plan,
and much to countless disappointment.


ps : never get too used to disappointment, deal with it each and every time, differently, progressively, like a real lady. disappointments are not to be ignored. let it have the way to make you grow.

i've just recently realized, that as long as you had democracy as a context, you got to be prepared for real life : 1) people speak whatever to their liking, 2) people listen to only what they want to listen to, 3) people think with an invisibly biased double stands.

those're all just to be expected, since most of us (that includes me), might never be really taught how to read things properly. and so suddenly we arrived here : the age where understanding is gradually becoming a subjective choice; a basic principal of consciousness no more.

- day 29 - 

of all places in the world i'd love to put inside my bucket list is that where i don't need to feel such unidentified hurt on my chest on a daily basis.

- day 26 -

"it takes more than an average broken heart to realize that one is just not a home."

- day 22 -

"my plan is firm and fixed. until somebody's worth half of my heart came along ruining it.

i mean it."

- day 7 -

"your life in a mess? well, make it up. as long as it might take."

- day 6 -

"never really trust in : "that's somebody else's part""

- day 5 -

"some lessons were meant to be learnt the hard way. otherwise, i won't really take it as lesson."

- day 4 -

"to accept that not everything you just could understand."

- day 3 -

"the need to be justified, maybe it's not a sincerity to begin with."

- day 2 -

"to understand is a matter of perception, which is a matter of to know very well, that would only happened by choice made out of consciousness and clarity."

- day 1 -

[notes] butterfly.

sometimes, a dream was like a butterfly in the making. at first, it was so ugly we wouldn't want to admit it as ours. later it was so immersed in its transformation process, so lonely we don't even bother to be its company. and finally, it turned out as a shiny beautiful butterfly, so bright we felt so little to embrace it.


so at the end of the day, we could only watched it fly away.

but you know, there's a tale which said that if that dream was really ours, it would find its way to fly back to us. again, a tale.

1 | square one.

Good thing doesn't wait at the end of the road. Rather, they tag along us all the way. Unfortunately, most of times they choose to be invisible. Or, just a might be . . . 

. . . it was first noticed not by our heart, but by our pride, or our fear. So in the next second, it would be vanished. And all that's left is what wee see as an emptiness, a mere absence of wholeness. 

Good thing is on its way. Not necessarily on a separate way from us. But, instead, on the very same way. It's not really something to be expected or to be waited for, but it's more of something we brought along with from the beginning.

Square one is just a square anyway :)

14 | bittersweet sense of sunset.

Picture was personal property, taken from one spot on Northern Coast of DIli, Timor Leste

it's like when all you want is one peaceful session of sunset watching,

yet there's no path towards,

yet the sun hides itself beyond clouds.

next time, maybe, on some other edge.

18 | an hour to go.

you know things i wish,
you know drafts of my plans,
you know where i set my destination.

you decide, whether to give ways or not,
or maybe another detour to go.

i am (almost) past 30, anyway.

i always thought that having my works being claimed by others is the worst thing might ever happen in my personal pursuit of finding a place in this world. turned out i could handle that just right.

however, as much as i am aware that i'm not that good as a human being, and as much as i understand that to feel good about themselves (sometimes might exceed towards the point of to feel much better than others) are just human's nature, i found it's just really hard to accept being wrong framed so that somebody else could be looked as doing good.

well, that's just emotionally exhausted me to the point i even did something so stupid such as writing a gramatically too much error of a too long a sentence.

pardon me.

i know i should not write anything when it's only my 'reddish' emotion in control. but i feel that one day i'd need to be able to re-recognize this kind of emotion. just in case.

now that i wrote this down, i could finally have a hopefully peaceful sleep.