a love letter.

dear Azalea,

i'm sorry i'm lost on my way to get you. the path that supposedly take me to you suddenly vanished just like that. okay, to tell you the truth, my mind did wander. i did not take a good watch over our distance.

but you know Azalea, never once i put you into a box. you're always and forever will be in my mind. my heart, as well, won't let you be forgotten. because, one day, you'll be my everything that no dreams ever matter any longer. even those flashy ones.

hence, i don't want you to wait for me. i want you to grow instead. i'd love to see any possible version of you. your good, and your bad. when we finally met, i'd gave up any of my expectation on you. you may surprise me since i'd love your challenge. you deserve no less than unconditional love.

you know another thing, Azalea? one thing i'm preparing myself right now to give you someday is a trust. however, while secretly wishing that when the time comes, the world won't be too scary for you. or, rather, that you will be bold enough to befriend with it.

well, you'll find by any means that i was never good at sweet words, Azalea. finding love actually scratch more of bittersweet feels. you know, that feeling you had after unwrapping an empty box. but i am indeed selfish, Azalea. i won't really wish that you'll be immune of such bittersweetness.

your first love letter should be written out of one.


lots of love,

I.


.
ps : but, please don't shock your A too much. to him, you are forever his sweet little Lila.

1994.

while winter crawling to its end, slowly farewells preparing the parties.
and it's not about a changing year.


a white winter is a best possible time to end things, and to start others in queue. not spring. because spring definitely is a better time to build a connection. to understand more. to fall in love, to fall out it. to catch the falling cherry blossom petals before the ground. with loved ones, on a checkered table cloth of blue and white.

and then summer came a little bit too late. a perfect round of forgetting, and letting go. of things we haven't yet owned. a realization might come at the last minutes. and that's normal. nothing are too false nor too true when it comes to building trusts. those might crashed by the cliff. or went safely to the glass house. nothing is eternal, as sun never stay put at a seat.

finally it's fall. when the need of settling down finally took over the thoughts. that's when you take a look at the hourglass in the corner of your bookshelf. and gave it an exhale. a long one. you never took the hard-to-count sands as a metaphor of your year-time regrets. you never had any time to regret things to begin with. but it all became a different matter when you decide to get off the bar stool, going home, and make a comfort out of your broken-white couch.


the parties are over.
and it's not to celebrate another circle of a year.

because pains are growing, with different shades among each of us.
and unfortunately those come in perfect round yearly.

. let me go .

. . .

"They say that time flies

but you keep breakin’ its wings."

. . .

. . .

"You wish me well.

You wish me well.

I wish you hell."

. . .

(Tablo - Eyes, Nose, Lips Cover via YG LIFE)

[notes] a short take of an "i miss you".

every now and then, i always promised myself
not to be in love,
of which the "i miss you" is too hurtful to say.

nonetheless those're just words.
a kind of
melted ice, evaporated water, sublimed steam.

i dare not say it a 'too late',
i dare to say it a 'not that mature enough'.

"i miss you" is like a signed-out messenger,
a terminated telepathy.
yet, a prerequisite to a love letter.


talk about now,
i'm about to promise myself
to fall in love,

this time to a kind of which the "i miss you" would bleed my heart out until its last drop
so then i would had only emptiness as an "i love you".


i miss you.

4 | bumi dan air.

pada diam yang berlalu,
ada tanya yang terkatakan dengan tanda seru.

lalu ada pesan terakhir penghapus garis, menjadikan tanda seru semata titik yang bersahabat,
hingga nanti dalam sebuah catatan.

pada ceritamu yang tersendat,
ada tanya yang menghilang bersama arus.

lalu ada pesan tak kunjung datang, hingga arus terlanjur bermuara
dan tanya ikut terhanyut, menjadi hantu hingga nanti cerita mencapai ujungnya.

.
bumi dan air,
bertemu (kembali) di tengah cerita
dengan ajakan berdamai pada diam
untuk memanggil (kembali) sang tanya ke antara mereka.


.
(tulisan ini dibuat di suatu hari menjelang akhir tahun 2012, tapi diputuskan untuk dipublikasikan dengan sedikit penyesuaian di hari ini. tentang sebuah pertanyaan di bulan oktober 2011, yang hanyut bersama waktu hingga menguap di bulan april 2012. tentang sebuah pertanyaan yang tak pernah terjawab, yang mungkin memang tak berjawab.)

7 | perjalanan.

(Candi Ratu Boko, Juni 2010)

.

perjalanan memintamu (selalu) untuk jatuh hati.

keindahan menjadi sesuatu yang tak berlabelkan harga :

waktu yang membumi,

dan ruang yang mengudara.

.

perjalanan mengingatkanmu (juga) untuk tak lupa berpatah hati.

denyut jantung perlahan mengiris rekaman berwarna hijau yang baru sampai ke hati :

rasa yang berlabuh (sesaat) di ujung sinar mata,

dan aroma jarak sepelemparan senyuman.

.

lalu akhirnya, 

pada pulang tak ada seperjalanan untuk selamanya

10 | currency converter.

"people speaks of love holding different values of their life. there's no definite currency, nor a real fair trade when it's something related to feelings. the converter is presumptions with highly subjectivity. the only thing to trust is self honesty, and the courage to admit."

11 | jealousy, an inconsistency on pretending.

jealousy is like,
a pinch in a heart
a cancelled rain, leaving an early humidity.

it's like,
negating the 'no it's not you'
confirming the 'i actually into you'.

it's nowhere near love,
nothing like a future.

it's a time capsule for a later regret,
which is opened just in time.

15 | 1997.

It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me

To go through all the things that I want to be

I don't believe in everything I see

You know I'm blind so why d'you disagree?

OASIS - All Around the World, Album Be Here Now, 1997

.

It's hard to pack the life of my 1997 in a box. The changing heart of a 14 years old girl, as well the fast-flowing time to mark an era. Influential things came all the way along the life, yet there're always some times when they're coming in a too vast of lines and speed.

1997 is one of those time. That's when my head didn't reach the level of imagination. That's when dramas occupied all spaces inside. That's the first time to realize things don't go as you thought they should be. Things go as they pleased.

And on that time, to understand was yet an option.

[journal] change!

First thing first : this is not about a world-scale change. It's just about a personal-scale change, a transition between phases in life.

.

Back on my thesis days, a friend asked me whether I read the manga 'Cromartie High School' or not. Well, at that time, I answered "no, I haven't", and then she went telling me about the story in general, which in the end dragged out my curiosity. So I read the manga. Not all of it, but only several chapters, no more than ten as I remembered, from hundreds of it. I gave up.

However there was one chapter that's strongly stuck in my head ever since I read it. It's the third chapter to be precise, with a title : "Time to Debut". Oh, I must give a warning beforehand, it's a manga about the world of delinquents, unfortunately not presented in cute ways as those in shoujo and josei mangas. In short, it's a story about an average boy who enrolled in Cromartie High School, which happened to be a school filled with delinquents. After some times, he still finds himself unable to adapt to his new environment. And then he thought of the only option available if he wants to fit in there :

"In the world of delinquents, there is a revolutionary program, which I learned of just the other day. It's known as the 'high school debut system'. Following this set of guidelines, even individuals who were of a normal social standing in junior high school can start off on a new foot as a delinquent." 

(taken from the manga Croamartie High School, chapter 3, page 18). 

Intermezzo : Man! There's actually a guidelines to be a delinquents --"

Okay, so here's the summary of the guidelines, roughly copied from the same chapter of the manga :

Lesson One - Do some changes for the look : bleach your hair, shaving and furrowing your eyebrows.
Lesson Two - Remember, even though with those changes on look you might be feeling tougher, you are still a wanna be punk. Don't be deceived with our own looks.
Lesson Three - Do some changes for the way you wear your uniform : leave your collar opened, not wearing a button-down shirt under the jacket, but wear a printed shirt or t-shirt which show your individuality instead.
Lesson Four - Do not store textbooks in your backpack and make sure it always empty and flat. So what's the point of carrying the bag? No. This one is just too cruel I can not reveal it here. It was punches related.Lesson Five - Severing connections with your former delinquents friends because associating with them will only expose you. Well, it's just a polite way to say 'cut ties with your old friends', I think. Oh, one more, it also said that you should toss away all of your old photos, especially in which you were smiling. Now what?Lesson Six - Try walking with swag as lazily as you can. Give a menacing glare if you're to be stared at. Walk with tough-looking friends. 

And finally, the last lesson : 

"If you've made it this far, only one step remains before your high school debut. Now for the final lesson... be sure you have completed the previous lessons before starting at your new school."

"The Way to A Successful High School Debut" (I suppose it's the title of the guideline) - The End.

.

Maybe for most cases in real life, that's how it goes. First impression is everything. Second impression is like "what's with you? It's so not you!" A room from changes were all closed. Who know there'll be some improvements among those changes?

There was a period in my life when I really really really wished to go to one place where nobody knows me. I once really really want to start anew with myself. It's not that I hate myself at that moment, nor I didn't feel like I'm my true self. It's just I was at the peak of being tired with that parts of me which (unfortunately) people around me were used to. At that time, I felt like that no matter how hard I try to change, nobody would notice. Nobody would voluntarily accept "ah, she's changing". 

But fate told another story. I moved nowhere from a place where people (think) they knew me. I reached that peak of irritating phase of "oh, pleaseee won't you let me change, for the better, I promise".

Why it's so hard to transform to the better version of you in such familiar place?

Maybe because at that time I wanted to change mere for a change of an image. Not for the change itself. If to transform means anything for me, and I'm confident enough of my transformation, why should it bother me if people don't see it? So my decisions on a transformation was also based on fear how the people around me will perceived the (I think) new me?

I know it doesn't work that way. When I realized I somewhat fear that people will not notice the change I strive to make, I knew I did not really change. I stayed. It's other people who actually change.

In the end, changes are inevitable. Whether those were to be noticed, or not, is another different thing.

[journal] happiness project #30 : a review.

I started 2013 by setting a pilot happiness project. With one goal : to move on from this long-time-getting-me-to-nowhere-kind-of-unrequited-love. Sounds cheesy as it actually was. However, that one cheesy goal happened to generate itself into some sub-not-so-cheesy-goals which I'd love to appreciate myself to finally be able to unravel my so-much-cluttered life. Pardon my self-centered-reflections.

Now, I want to start 2014 with some looking back to the project. What happened to the big cheesy goal? What also happened to the small not-so-cheesy sub-goals?

I moved on. Not as planned, which was supposed to be like this : I flew across the South China Sea, landing in front of him, tell him "I loved you, this' confession is more my ego. Thank you and see you", and flew back home and live a happy single life. No. It doesn't work that way.

I moved on, by consciously leading a mindful days. Slowly, one thing at a time. It never crossed my thought that being mindful to your own sadness, fear, and cuffs could help that much in letting go what's even never be yours at the first place. And later I found it's just as important to accept the whole of yourself, including that scary part of you which had let you to be in control of such delusional mind, as accepting that something is not and never to be yours.

While for the sub-goals, I admit 2013 was just a start of every changes I want to be. A good start if I may say. So I'd like to keep those sub-goals this year as well. Those were more of new habits I'd love to maintain throughout my life ahead, with some improvements every now and later when needed. Some evaluation is necessary though, especially on the self principles part.

Last year, it went this ways. This year, I think some revisions wouldn't hurt. So here I go :

1. Be Astri. Be a girl, a lady, you envision yourself to be, how you would like your daughter to see in you.
2. Be true. Whether it's planned or spontaneous. Be it philosophical or practical.
3. Never get easily offended and intimidated. Listen, and filter. Every information are neutral.
4. Eat and speak slowly. Eat as little. Speak as few.
5. Write down your thoughts for any findings, not shouting them out just in any random way.
6. Do all things needed in a portion that's just enough.
7. Be organized more. With some amount of cluttered space.
8. Be kind and well mannered to your surroundings.
9. Remember, setting up or maintaining a distance is not forbidden.
10. Never ever quit writing, whatever happens, whatever it takes :) 

I compressed them from 12 into 10. I try to make them more simple than before, firm yet flexible. Some were eliminated from list. Some others were combined. But the last one stayed :)


One thing for sure I'd love to say at the end of 2014 is "this year things are great!"

.
ps : I managed to not saying "peace!" all this year. yay!

belokan.

matahari tenggelam di barat,
namun indahnya justru berjejak di timur,
kadang berpelangi, jika beruntung hujan ada di dekatnya.

cahaya sore,
jatuh dramatis pada belokan, persimpangan tanpa papan nama jalan atau penunjuk arah,
memakukan diri di tengah kecepatan, menghentikan diri sesaat sebelum keputusan.

karena keputusan yang sebelum senja adalah terlalu cepat,
ia perlu mendewasa hingga waktu menunjukkan embun dini hari,
tetes terakhir hasil kesabaran malam memenuhkannya.

[catatan] rezeki.

rezeki  n 1 segala sesuatu yang dipakai untuk memelihara kehidupan (yang diberikan oleh Tuhan); makanan (sehari-hari); nafkah; 2 (ki) penghidupan; pendapatan (uang dsb untuk memelihara kehidupan); keuntungan; kesempatan mendapat makan;
(sumber dari sini)

Segala sesuatu yang dipakai untuk memelihara kehidupan (yang diberikan oleh Tuhan).

Materi, kesehatan, ilmu, keluarga, jodoh, anak. Semua adalah yang biasa saya dengar terlingkup di dalam satu kata rezeki. 

.

Apakah kesabaran yang tidak ada batasnya juga bisa dikatakan suatu bentuk rezeki?

patah hati.

tuhan.

sang maha pemilik hati. 

sang maha pembolak-balik hati. 

sang maha penjaga hati.

sang maha penetap hati.

sang maha pematah hati.

tuhan.

sang maha penyembuh hati.

sang maha tempat kembalinya hati.

ke(sepi)an.

.bioskop, 1995-2014.

kesepian pada baris paling depan adalah keputusan untuk terpaku pada layar, bukan pada mereka yang menemani di kiri dan kanan.

kesepian pada baris tengah adalah pilihan untuk menikmati cerita, atau tenggelam dalam cerita.

kesepian pada baris paling belakang adalah menjadi seutuhnya penonton, akan cerita yang tersaji pada layar, juga tersaji di dalam kepala-kepala yang samar-samar di dalam gelap.

kesepian di pintu keluar adalah ketika menyadari tidak ada teman tersenyum melihat langit di luar yang lebih biru daripada biasanya.


.di loket tiket :

berapa tiket? satu.


kesendirian adalah tentang pilihan. kesepian adalah tentang perasaan, bukan kesendirian.

[catatan] lima langkah ke belakang.

Kenapa saya suka sekali menyebutkan tahun 2014 ini sebagai "a fresh start"?

Tarik nafas panjang.

Semua berawal dari lima tahun yang lalu. Tahun 2008. Tahun di mana saya berhenti membuat resolusi. Tahun di mana saya menyadari bahwa sebenarnya saya tidak memahami dengan sebenar-benarnya yang dimaksud dengan resolusi ini. Sebagai gantinya saya diperkenalkan dengan "vision board", atau biasa orang-orang sebut dengan "dream board". Sebuah papan yang berisi tempelan-tempelan ilustrasi yang menggambarkan apa yang kita bayangkan tentang diri kita dalam jangka waktu tertentu. Pertama kali saya diperkenalkan pada papan ini, tahun 2004, saya diminta membuatnya untuk jangka waktu tiga tahun. Di tahun 2008 lalu, ketika saya berusia 25 tahun, saya membuatnya untuk jangka waktu lima tahun, yaitu hingga tahun 2013 di mana saya memasuki usia kepala tiga :)

Lalu, di ulang tahun saya yang ke-30 di tahun 2013 lalu dan melihat ke belakang, apakah tentang saya saat itu adalah tepat seperti apa yang saya bayangkan atau saya 'impikan' lima tahun lalu? Tentu saja jawabannya : tidak. Lima tahun yang penuh patah hati. Lima tahun yang penuh pelajaran-pelajaran tersembunyi. Lima tahun di mana saya ternyata masih harus banyak belajar tentang diri sendiri, tentang cita-cita, tentang cinta, tentang sebuah hidup. Lima tahun yang masih harus diikuti oleh 'proses-proses' penerimaan di belakangnya sampai menjelang akhir tahun, yang (syukurnya) berakhir dengan baik-baik. 

Berdamai dengan diri sendiri. Mungkin di akhir tahun 2013 menjelang 2014 ini saya baru benar-benar bisa memahami artinya. Melihat kembali ke belakang, ke papan mimpi yang pernah dibuat. Menerima yang mewujud, menerima yang tidak mewujud. Dengan sederhana.

Mungkin karena apa-apa yang saya lewati di lima tahun ke belakang itulah, saya menyebutkan tahun 2014 sebagai sebuah awal yang lain dalam kehidupan saya. 

Sebuah awal yang baik, semoga. 

.

Setiap keinginan yang diwujudkanNya adalah pelajaran tentang bersyukur dan rendah hati. 

Setiap keinginan yang (mungkin sedang) ditahanNya adalah pelajaran tentang kesabaran dan kepekaan. 

Setiap keinginan yang tidak diwujudkanNya adalah pelajaran tentang berbesar hati dan berlembut hati.

Setiap keinginan yang bergerak adalah pelajaran tentang mengingatNya.

Dan sebaik-baiknya rencana adalah yang dititipkan kepadaNya, 
dengan menyebut namaNya yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang.