8 | two minds.

are not to think alike,
whether both are great ones, poor ones,
or a combination.

if you're about to found a couple,
maybe you're just having hallucination.


you don't believe in exact replication of a labyrinth set, do you?

23 | a life : unpacked.

imagine you're packing your life into boxes.

how many stacks it would make?
of what size(s) the boxes would you pick?
how much would you pack in a box? a year? a month? a week? a day? a moment?
how would you like the tags to be? one box one tag? one box a hundred tags?
would you prefer colored boxes? or the white ones? or the black ones? or would you like them transparent?
how long do you think it would take you to pack all your things?
in a blink of an eye, or a forever?

imagine you finished packing. imagine you sent them off.

imagine you were there at your new place while the boxes arrived.

how big of spaces you think you would like to spare for them?
how much of times you think you would like to spend unpacking them?
how would you like to perceive them? as a gift from the past which you could keep or toss, or as a burden you will have to take for the rest of your life?


imagine you're packing your life into boxes,
how would you like to do it so you'd know later which boxes are to toss, which are to stay forever inside the walking closet,

and which are to unpack

?

"for a further better destination, a (quiet huge) step back might be necessary..."

.do i buy that?

[journal] change!

First thing first : this is not about a world-scale change. It's just about a personal-scale change, a transition between phases in life.

.

Back on my thesis days, a friend asked me whether I read the manga 'Cromartie High School' or not. Well, at that time, I answered "no, I haven't", and then she went telling me about the story in general, which in the end dragged out my curiosity. So I read the manga. Not all of it, but only several chapters, no more than ten as I remembered, from hundreds of it. I gave up.

However there was one chapter that's strongly stuck in my head ever since I read it. It's the third chapter to be precise, with a title : "Time to Debut". Oh, I must give a warning beforehand, it's a manga about the world of delinquents, unfortunately not presented in cute ways as those in shoujo and josei mangas. In short, it's a story about an average boy who enrolled in Cromartie High School, which happened to be a school filled with delinquents. After some times, he still finds himself unable to adapt to his new environment. And then he thought of the only option available if he wants to fit in there :

"In the world of delinquents, there is a revolutionary program, which I learned of just the other day. It's known as the 'high school debut system'. Following this set of guidelines, even individuals who were of a normal social standing in junior high school can start off on a new foot as a delinquent." 

(taken from the manga Croamartie High School, chapter 3, page 18). 

Intermezzo : Man! There's actually a guidelines to be a delinquents --"

Okay, so here's the summary of the guidelines, roughly copied from the same chapter of the manga :

Lesson One - Do some changes for the look : bleach your hair, shaving and furrowing your eyebrows.
Lesson Two - Remember, even though with those changes on look you might be feeling tougher, you are still a wanna be punk. Don't be deceived with our own looks.
Lesson Three - Do some changes for the way you wear your uniform : leave your collar opened, not wearing a button-down shirt under the jacket, but wear a printed shirt or t-shirt which show your individuality instead.
Lesson Four - Do not store textbooks in your backpack and make sure it always empty and flat. So what's the point of carrying the bag? No. This one is just too cruel I can not reveal it here. It was punches related.Lesson Five - Severing connections with your former delinquents friends because associating with them will only expose you. Well, it's just a polite way to say 'cut ties with your old friends', I think. Oh, one more, it also said that you should toss away all of your old photos, especially in which you were smiling. Now what?Lesson Six - Try walking with swag as lazily as you can. Give a menacing glare if you're to be stared at. Walk with tough-looking friends. 

And finally, the last lesson : 

"If you've made it this far, only one step remains before your high school debut. Now for the final lesson... be sure you have completed the previous lessons before starting at your new school."

"The Way to A Successful High School Debut" (I suppose it's the title of the guideline) - The End.

.

Maybe for most cases in real life, that's how it goes. First impression is everything. Second impression is like "what's with you? It's so not you!" A room from changes were all closed. Who know there'll be some improvements among those changes?

There was a period in my life when I really really really wished to go to one place where nobody knows me. I once really really want to start anew with myself. It's not that I hate myself at that moment, nor I didn't feel like I'm my true self. It's just I was at the peak of being tired with that parts of me which (unfortunately) people around me were used to. At that time, I felt like that no matter how hard I try to change, nobody would notice. Nobody would voluntarily accept "ah, she's changing". 

But fate told another story. I moved nowhere from a place where people (think) they knew me. I reached that peak of irritating phase of "oh, pleaseee won't you let me change, for the better, I promise".

Why it's so hard to transform to the better version of you in such familiar place?

Maybe because at that time I wanted to change mere for a change of an image. Not for the change itself. If to transform means anything for me, and I'm confident enough of my transformation, why should it bother me if people don't see it? So my decisions on a transformation was also based on fear how the people around me will perceived the (I think) new me?

I know it doesn't work that way. When I realized I somewhat fear that people will not notice the change I strive to make, I knew I did not really change. I stayed. It's other people who actually change.

In the end, changes are inevitable. Whether those were to be noticed, or not, is another different thing.

[notes] today's thought.

"my social media, my way". with this kind of mindset, i don't really think democracy suits this country for the time being. yet, in a total opposite view, it could be the only way for us, citizens, to learn. in a very hard way.

to respect what others have to say. and that is all to it.

to respect doesn't necessarily means to respond, or further to offend. i think for some of us, including me too, there's an urge inside to feel that what i thought about certain things is right. well, in fact, there's a little possibility that i am indeed right, right? just as much as the possibility that i might be wrong, too.

thinking that my thought is right doesn't automatically gives me right to think that other's thought is wrong, though. what if we didn't use the same "tools" and "options" in thinking? what if even the need that serve as our basis in clicking the thinking mode is not even the same? could i bear the responsibility for throwing out  "i am right, and you are wrong", later when it actually turns out to be that "i am wrong, and you are right"? will i have the exact same guts for both lines?


thus, i am right, and you are left. let's just walk hand in hand... if you want to.
(this could be what i'd say to my left, as could be said to me by my right)

...and nothing worse than greed over money and power as greed over time and space...

[notes] today's thought.

when you were in a high fever yet you still somehow sanely thought of someone, well maybe he worth all the risk.

[notes] today's quote.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

- Gigi (from He's Just Not That Into You)

ps : keep in mind, it's just a 'maybe' ...

[note] disappointment (sometimes) has a name,

...like "where were you?"

[note] how can i . . .

how can i be a writer, 
while i don't even master the very basic writing skill?
how can i be a planner, 
while i was twice educated more as a designer?

you want it?
think again!

oh, you actually do think of it?
guess you don't really want it, then.

(me, at the bathroom after a summer end, 2012)

start with the end, or not?

i always wonder, do every writer, I mean writers of fantasies or fictional stories, let's say, Akira Toriyama for its Dragon Ball series, Aoyama Gosho for its Meitantei Conan series, Yoko Shoji for its Pop Corn series, J.K. Rowling for its Harry Potter series, Dewi 'Dee' Lestari for its Supernova series, and many other writers i couldn't mention every one of them, always start their stories with 'the end' in their mind? or does it only come along later after starting the stories?

i never thought life could be that short. we're still so young, too young, aren't we, God?
can't I question You?
i still can't imagine that two of my classmates are already doing a hangout in heaven,
and thus can't join us on ground in our reunion, later...

is this your way of telling me, of telling us, that life, indeed is so short?
that life is never be more than a transit?

.
this is my second grieve of loosing a classmate.
we haven't even had any chance to share stories about our lives lately.
i haven't even asked her to tell me stories about rotterdam.

you'll be missed, my friend.
may you rest in peace and now breath lightly.