: air mata.

percaya pada tetesannya,
yang membebaskan belitan benang pada hati.

pada hari yang bermatahari,
hati menghangat memberi tanda.
pada hari yang berair,
hati menyejuk memberi tanya.

percaya pada bawaannya,
racun-racun tak berwarna dan tak berasa.

yang pernah menguras sepetik keyakinan,
yang pernah mengguncang segumpal cita.
yang pernah membuat jatuh sakit,
yang pernah membuat berhenti terbangun.

percaya dengan mengalirkannya,
hati akan penuh oleh keutuhan.
dan lalu langkah tak kan pernah salah.

internet is like a public space. in a public space, you respect others existences and not just take everything and claim it as yours. every result has a process it had been through, at the very least we should appreciate the journey. there are no two minds who think exactly alike, there are no two hearts who feel exactly alike. 

cheers to life, for a tiny bitterness that eventually made me appreciate myself more :)

[journal] maybe...just,

maybe i'm just getting super bored.
maybe i'm just getting extremely pissed.


maybe i just need to draw the line bold.
maybe i just need to lock the distance unlimited.


maybe i just want to stop working with things or ones i realized i can never get used to.
maybe i just want to start working on my bucket list, my sand box, you name it, instead.


maybe i'm the one who actually pushed myself too hard on things i, myself, dislike a lot.
maybe i'm the one who actually can't see things clearly as my vision blurred with hatred towards something indefinite.






maybe i really need to go somewhere west, literally, seeing the sunset.
the burning red of another ending.
having a sleepless night on some random street,
watching another side of life. which could be exactly the same as mine, 
for the tears and the laughs.
write a story, a completed song. 
with dimmed street lamps as the melody. and homeless steps as the lyric.
and then going home near the morning.
say hello to morning dew. and smile to mom and dad.
and then, with an exact same old soul, 
start anew. 

when you started your day with a "seeesh" or "tsk" or "huhuhuuu" or "damn!" or "jdang!" or "wakwawww.." or simply a slam on your desk or door,




then you should know, there's something wrong with your life.
if not, then it must be one of those choices you made.


definitely.

"faith is to give you a peace of mind, not insecurity."

[journal] bad things do happen.

when you had people done something bad to you, don't you just wanna ask yourself 'what have i done?'. truthfully, however, there're times i don't want to. instead, i'd wanna ask them 'why did you do that to me?'

. . .

so, i guess this is how it feels to be tricked by some people. i always thought such things only happened in dramas. or perhaps it happened several times to me, yet i just didn't realize it. 

oh, well, as long as they who tricked me happy by doing so, i think i'll be also doing just fine. 

however i'm not taking any responsibilities of sins, if there're any, it consists of, though. thank you. oh, and i'm not also taking any responsibilities of any change of heart i might have that one day i might want to have them to pay it off.

lima debu.

debu pertama berkata,
aku berwarna abu-abu,
aku ada dalam keragu-raguanmu akan semesta. bertanyalah. dan bacalah. tentu saja atas nama tuhanmu.

debu kedua berkata,
aku berwarna hitam,
aku adalah dengki yang hangus. melekat bersama arang, serapuh kebenaran yang kau (dan kau) yakini.

debu ketiga berkata,
aku berwarna merah,
aku adalah benci yang tak sempat jadi dengki. aku meloncat, bersama amarah yang tak mau kupadamkan.

debu keempat berkata,
aku berwarna putih,
aku ada karena tujuh lintasan mencariku, bertemu padaku. aku suci, karena aku lahir dari seteru yang melengkapi.

debu kelima berkata,
aku berwarna merah jambu,
aku utusan matahari, pembawa surat cinta untuk bayang-bayang. matahari rindu padanya, ingin ia pulang. supaya lalu nanti ia bisa padam dengan cintanya dalam pelukan.

lately, the earth is just too packed up with greed.

greed of wealth, pride, and rights.


- i've just known that staying up all night could dry tears out -

your admiration on things means nothing when your only way to express it is by comparing, or worse, underrating other things you're not too fond of.

over-dosage. my version.

to me, it's better taking an overflowing love or an exaggerated likes of things, rather than an overflowing hate or an exaggerated dislikes of things.

it's just like what consumer services would say : "for any satisfaction, please tell others. for any dissatisfaction, please tell us." well, i just thought that if this applied also in our everyday life, there wouldn't be such things as gossip, would it? it would only be nice things those spread over, while the not-so-good things (or some may called it aib) would be just kept within only those who might concern about it.

but that is utopia. or so i thought. and i blame it to these things called 'freedom of speech' and an overgrowth (with an overused) of social networks here and there.

discrimination. my version.

i used to not throwing out this little piece of crap. unnecessary if i may say. but i just can't stand it any longer.

why must discriminate serious people???

i just can't remember when did i ever discriminate people who throws joke a little bit too much even though i somewhat hate it.

being (too) serious is not a sin, please, it's only joker who thinks that way.


*aaaaarghhh...seriously i wanna write longer and furrier. but there's this certain song came in, and my anxious is just blown away like that. thank you for saving my writings, dear music.

period.

be seeing it with binocular : 
a treeless hill and a loveless senses. 


should the distance fitted to lenses :
and the sound of blizzard first arrived at early spring.


while the picture lasted as long as your stare,
the sight of scenery was stored at back of your head.


and for a repetitive pain killing,
(which were none worked) the anesthetics were there for one simple reason.

nadi.

jantung redamkan detaknya,
darah putihkan merahnya.

biru-biru mengucur deras dalam diri,
mengikat pergelangan dengan mimpi-mimpi yang jadi temali.

nadi bercinta dengan kehidupan yang tak berhenti lahir,
mencuri darinya nafas segar-segar.


lalu terlupakan : seonggok jiwa pemutus nadi hati,
dewa kematian bertudung putih berpedang jeri.

#

Tuhan pun terjepit logika benar dan salah makhluk-makhluk yang lahir dari tangan-tangannya,
padahal sedari awal sudah Ia berikan sedikit ruang, untuk sedikit diriNya, di dalam makhluk-makhlukNya.

Sedang Ia sendiri bukanlah semata logika,
yang bisa dikenal sebatas paham, namun cukup sampai pada yakin.

Lalu siapa yang bisa pertanyakan, "bagaimana dengan rasa?"
Rasa, anugrah yang menjadi amanah setiap mereka yang lahir atas ketetapanNya,
tapi mungkin menjadi saru ketika ia melebur dengan sang yakin.

Abu-abu ada karena ada hitam juga putih,
di antara punggung-punggung yang beradu ada pedang bermata dua.

.

untukmu yakinmu, untukku yakinku.
dan tak ada kebenaran yang lebih sejati selain dari yang tertulis dalam kitab rahasia pada pelukanNya.

(jokes)

for me, there's two types of jokes in this world.


the first one are those which made me laugh out of obligation caused by the feeling of being expected by my surroundings to think they were funny.


and the second one are those which made me laugh out laud spontaneously, while listening to it alone, to the point my parents thought that i might be going crazy.




.
now, realizing my own reaction toward various kind of jokes is somewhat another big help for me to get to know myself better, yes? i gradually can say it when i actually wore mask, and when i did not.


and of course, i love myself better whenever i was on the last state. 
who doesn't love themselves in their true-self mode, anyway?

(chemistry)

we just hold different perspective on being boastful. apparently, i'm just not too comfortable with theirs, and it might be that they too are not too comfortable with mine. 


and i come to think that chemistry is never meant to be forced. it's something born by understanding, not tolerances. well, tolerances are some results of understanding too, though. it's just chemistry is not.


within chemistry, there's no acceptance, it's just an automatic fill-in-the-blank.


will there be any feeling of tiresome beyond chemistry? i bet there will. but nonetheless it usually ends up as a phase, a come-and-go process, not a test. accepting uncomfortable zones doesn't literally means i have to, no other way, accept inconveniences those almost drive me crazy. 




"i" symbolized ego. that's exactly why i almost write it down all the times every time it came to speak out thoughts. for i can't be sure that others think the same way i do. and i don't want to presume that they will.


if i didn't speak up my thoughts, it literally means they were only small matters and i don't mind with that despite how annoyed i might be.




my dears fellow number ones, i miss you like crazy. and i mean it. 

#1.000

more than to prove those not-so-significant-who-don't-really-understand-things-about-me that i actually could meet their expectations,
i rather go beyond my limit to let those-number-ones-who-trust-me-even-when-i-didn't-trust-myself feel that i am worth their trust.


that's all that matter to me now. the perfection i long for, is not - ever - for winning any unnecessary battle. it's just too bad most people around me sees it as necessaries and love to drag others into it.


so you think the world is fair? think again. it might be fair enough for you, but not enough to make you think so. 




"happy one thousand posts! :D" (now this is insignificant)

(benci)

kalau ada sederetan hal yang saya benci di tahun ini, maka nomor satu adalah (hampir) semua tulisan saya di tahun ini. tidak kenapa-kenapa sih. benci, ya benci saja. begitu saja.

tahap saya belajar menulis itu masihlah pada "ada rasa, ada sketsa (suara)". belum, belum, dan belum sampai tahap "beraksara, lalu berasa". mudah-mudahan suatu hari nanti.

sekarang memang sedang belajar, minimal, "tidak ada rasa, banyak melihat dan mendengar, lalu datang rasa, lalu ada sketsa (suara)". tapi susah sekali. apalagi saya terbiasa merasa-rasa bahwa yang namanya rasa itu begini, bukan begitu. padahal, ironisnya, saya yakin sekali, kalau besok-besok saya pasti akan berkata, loh, itu kan rasa juga.


tidak sabar rasanya menunggu empatbelas januari duaribu duabelas. atau tigabelas januari?

.

(membaca ulang tulisan, sebelum memutuskan menekan tombol oranye atau abu-abu)

.

(berpikir)

.

betul, kan, saya benci tulisan saya akhir-akhir ini.

.

(tapi mungkin karena membuat tidak nyaman seperti itu dia bernama proses. mungkin loh. tapi jelas, dia adalah proses yang tidak sengaja saya taruh di kepala. dulu sekali, waktu saya berumur empatbelas tahun. jadi mungkin, sekali lagi mungkin, ada semacam rasa nggak mau kalah dengan ketidaknyamanan ini. termasuk saat ini.)

berhenti.

ketika detik semakin mendekati akhirnya,
dan tak ada lagi makna yang ingin dicari. kalau perlu bahkan biarkan saja dia sembunyi selama-lamanya.

ketika sebuah akhir menampakkan dirinya dalam bayang-bayang samar,
dan tak ada lagi ingatan yang ingin dijaga. kalau perlu bahkan dibakar saja.

ketika tak ada lagi rasa yang ingin dirangkai lalui aksara,
mungkin memang betul adalah waktunya untuk berhenti.

mengambil jeda,

untuk kembali berbahasa dalam diam,
untuk kembali berbahasa tanpa perlu dituliskan, dibicarakan, apalagi dicekoki logika.
untuk kembali berbahasa demi seonggok tinggalan yang tidak sia-sia.

ada satu warna yang terhapus dari pustaka benak,
penanda kehadiran yang dulu tak perlu penanda,

lalu adalah buram membayang di depan mata,
mengaburkan sang kehadiran yang tak mau susah-susah mengembalikan si anak hilang.


benak pun tak pernah lagi jadi sama.