padamu.

ada padamu, harum rumah seperti bantal tua yang kumal
ada padamu, hangat malam musim hujan seperti selimut tampal empat petak
ada padamu, merdu nyanyian pagi seperti derit pagar terbuka oleh pengantar koran

ada padamu, rumah sebagian hati
yang beratap tidak berdinding
yang bertaman tidak berpagar

ada padamu,
sepenggal dari perjalananku

Jatuh cinta : musim kedua.

Jatuh cinta kali ini seperti daun daun pohon mahoni saat meranggas
Tak kenal dahulu mendahului dalam kecepatan melepaskan diri dari ranting
Tak kenal menunggu yang terdahulu selesai dengan tanah

Jatuh cinta ya seperti daun-daun itu. Kuning. Ringan. Lepas. Melayang. Tak berarah. Hingga menyentuh dasar.

Jatuh.

Dan sekali angin, cinta-cinta kering itu lalu tersapu bersih

[notes] a scent of the second season.

dear earth,
for as long as there's no good bye waves from the rains
you may want to expect the second season coming down.

but no worries.

it has different scent you'd happily detect : it's either a morning dew, or a 4 am peeking sun.
it was a season where even stars dancing to your sky, despite the thunderstorm.

so no worries.

a pleasant scent is a sign of something good might be in the making.


.

dear rain,
how happy might you be, having countless seasons as your home.

when we were closer :

that's when we forgot how should it felt being at our early 20s.
that's when our windows were always opened towards each other at our shared backyard.
that's when a pause between our exchange of words was only a second away.
that's when a thousand miles was unimaginable.



when we were closer,
a distance was a change of heart away.
that's when closing the windows were never an option.

separuh jarak.

hujan, bukan melulu tentang memberi jalan pada air-air

yang bersesak-sesak pulang pada tanah.

tanah : 

rumah mereka yang mungkin ada yang masih, yang mungkin ada yang sudah

hujan, bukan melulu tentang memberi ruang berkumpul pada air-air

yang terakhir melepas rindu satu sama lain pada langit yang tak lagi biru.

biru :

tanah kelana yang lama-lama menjadi kelabu

'

hujan, sekali waktu adalah tentang jarak,

tentang sebuah antara :
pergi dan kembali.

hujan yang riang, menempuh sepenuh jarak dengan berlari lurus.

hujan yang marah, menempuh sepenuh jarak dengan berlari berputar.

hujan yang sedih, menempuh sepenuh jarak dengan menyeret langkah.

hujan yang gundah, menempuh jarak hanya separuh.

''

hujan, bukan melulu tentang jarak

yang harus ditempuh, penuh atau juga separuh.

hujan, sekali waktu adalah tentang jarak

yang harus dimulai, tentang sebuah jeda :

tentang sebuah koma.

"for a further better destination, a (quiet huge) step back might be necessary..."

.do i buy that?

[journal] a taste of half a season.

And suddenly it's February. I'm hoping to run with it, after January took me down.

Well, okay, January might not be the best month this year. Things happened, and those were not pleasant ones, unfortunately. Another lesson learnt. It's true that the only thing you can expect to come is the unexpected. No matter how good of a planner you might be, there's always some spaces for emergency. To re-plan is a consequence when you decided to plan at the first place.

Am I okay? Not really. Will I be okay? I don't know. I realize I'm more a logical person rather than an optimistic one. But, you know, it's not being optimistic that makes me figured out the way out. It's being logical does. So the question shouldn't be something too abstract, it should be clearer such do I have a resolution to face the things? Sure. I do.

I still can't go on the details, but this one thing happened sure gave me a big question. One most repeated question : what do I actually want in life?

Just now I realized the answer might not be everlasting. Just like the changing seasons. Or it might be everlasting. The first thing you have wants, the second thing you'd be tested as many as needed, do you really want it? Does it come right from heart, or just a temporary desire which fully occupy your mind?

There're so many resolutions to make, so many next way to take. Nobody said it's gonna be easier. Indeed, making a place for yourself in this world is a hard thing to do. Because this world is already a place not just for you.

Season changing. It's not a full season, yet.
And the taste of half a season is just bittersweet.

=====
ps :
The phrase "a taste of half a season" is inspired by some lines of dialogue on Japanese manga Strobe Edge. When I read the similar phrase used by its main characters, I suddenly felt the urge to write something about it.

: air mata.

percaya pada tetesannya,
yang membebaskan belitan benang pada hati.

pada hari yang bermatahari,
hati menghangat memberi tanda.
pada hari yang berair,
hati menyejuk memberi tanya.

percaya pada bawaannya,
racun-racun tak berwarna dan tak berasa.

yang pernah menguras sepetik keyakinan,
yang pernah mengguncang segumpal cita.
yang pernah membuat jatuh sakit,
yang pernah membuat berhenti terbangun.

percaya dengan mengalirkannya,
hati akan penuh oleh keutuhan.
dan lalu langkah tak kan pernah salah.

: rindu.

rindu tertahan mimpi,
pada sayup hujan sebelum ia deras.
pada sepoi angin sebelum ia badai.

rindu tertahan waktu,
pada sekrup-sekrup pemutar jarum.
pada lebihnya sepasir pada jam kaca.

rindu tertahan hati,
pada matahari yang berpulang pada pagi.
pada gunung yang terlelap pada mimpi.

[journal] change!

First thing first : this is not about a world-scale change. It's just about a personal-scale change, a transition between phases in life.

.

Back on my thesis days, a friend asked me whether I read the manga 'Cromartie High School' or not. Well, at that time, I answered "no, I haven't", and then she went telling me about the story in general, which in the end dragged out my curiosity. So I read the manga. Not all of it, but only several chapters, no more than ten as I remembered, from hundreds of it. I gave up.

However there was one chapter that's strongly stuck in my head ever since I read it. It's the third chapter to be precise, with a title : "Time to Debut". Oh, I must give a warning beforehand, it's a manga about the world of delinquents, unfortunately not presented in cute ways as those in shoujo and josei mangas. In short, it's a story about an average boy who enrolled in Cromartie High School, which happened to be a school filled with delinquents. After some times, he still finds himself unable to adapt to his new environment. And then he thought of the only option available if he wants to fit in there :

"In the world of delinquents, there is a revolutionary program, which I learned of just the other day. It's known as the 'high school debut system'. Following this set of guidelines, even individuals who were of a normal social standing in junior high school can start off on a new foot as a delinquent." 

(taken from the manga Croamartie High School, chapter 3, page 18). 

Intermezzo : Man! There's actually a guidelines to be a delinquents --"

Okay, so here's the summary of the guidelines, roughly copied from the same chapter of the manga :

Lesson One - Do some changes for the look : bleach your hair, shaving and furrowing your eyebrows.
Lesson Two - Remember, even though with those changes on look you might be feeling tougher, you are still a wanna be punk. Don't be deceived with our own looks.
Lesson Three - Do some changes for the way you wear your uniform : leave your collar opened, not wearing a button-down shirt under the jacket, but wear a printed shirt or t-shirt which show your individuality instead.
Lesson Four - Do not store textbooks in your backpack and make sure it always empty and flat. So what's the point of carrying the bag? No. This one is just too cruel I can not reveal it here. It was punches related.Lesson Five - Severing connections with your former delinquents friends because associating with them will only expose you. Well, it's just a polite way to say 'cut ties with your old friends', I think. Oh, one more, it also said that you should toss away all of your old photos, especially in which you were smiling. Now what?Lesson Six - Try walking with swag as lazily as you can. Give a menacing glare if you're to be stared at. Walk with tough-looking friends. 

And finally, the last lesson : 

"If you've made it this far, only one step remains before your high school debut. Now for the final lesson... be sure you have completed the previous lessons before starting at your new school."

"The Way to A Successful High School Debut" (I suppose it's the title of the guideline) - The End.

.

Maybe for most cases in real life, that's how it goes. First impression is everything. Second impression is like "what's with you? It's so not you!" A room from changes were all closed. Who know there'll be some improvements among those changes?

There was a period in my life when I really really really wished to go to one place where nobody knows me. I once really really want to start anew with myself. It's not that I hate myself at that moment, nor I didn't feel like I'm my true self. It's just I was at the peak of being tired with that parts of me which (unfortunately) people around me were used to. At that time, I felt like that no matter how hard I try to change, nobody would notice. Nobody would voluntarily accept "ah, she's changing". 

But fate told another story. I moved nowhere from a place where people (think) they knew me. I reached that peak of irritating phase of "oh, pleaseee won't you let me change, for the better, I promise".

Why it's so hard to transform to the better version of you in such familiar place?

Maybe because at that time I wanted to change mere for a change of an image. Not for the change itself. If to transform means anything for me, and I'm confident enough of my transformation, why should it bother me if people don't see it? So my decisions on a transformation was also based on fear how the people around me will perceived the (I think) new me?

I know it doesn't work that way. When I realized I somewhat fear that people will not notice the change I strive to make, I knew I did not really change. I stayed. It's other people who actually change.

In the end, changes are inevitable. Whether those were to be noticed, or not, is another different thing.