the birthdays
the engagements
the weddings
the pregnancies
the newly born babies, and new parents
the second child
the promotions
the launches
the crossed bucketlists
the graduations
the publications
the awards and the trophies
the failures
the bitterness and the sorrow
the struggles
the business plans
the circle-gatherings
the reunions
the parties
the lectures
the war and debates
the ladies night outs
the postcards
the visualized dreams...
...and all that matters,
i'm sorry.
11.2.12
7.2.12
in a speed of light...
There's no definite reason of why I'm so in love with Einstein's theory of relativity. Not until I watched "Einstein and Eddington". It's just like what Eddington said :
"Einstein says that time is not the same for all of us... but different for each one of us. It's very hard to conceive of such separate views... of such relative ways of seeing. Today is the first day of a new world that is much harder to live in, less certain, more lonely. But which has, at its heart, human endeavor. One man has shown us how. Look at what one man can do. In this man's work, in the beautiful complexity of the new universe he has shown us, I for one have no doubt. I can hear God thinking."
"Einstein says that time is not the same for all of us... but different for each one of us. It's very hard to conceive of such separate views... of such relative ways of seeing. Today is the first day of a new world that is much harder to live in, less certain, more lonely. But which has, at its heart, human endeavor. One man has shown us how. Look at what one man can do. In this man's work, in the beautiful complexity of the new universe he has shown us, I for one have no doubt. I can hear God thinking."
It's been a while.
Lately, I've been missing a certain person. A lot. I'd even wished to go say "hi", put a smiley icon, and continued with "you got it all wrong, boy, you really got it all wrong...", and ended it with a griney icon, on his wall. I know he won't give any reply. I know for sure. I just wanted to tell him that I did remember his comforting words back then. Oh, and I wanted to tell him that I'd just watched a tv series called 100 Questions, and there's this guy named Wayne who resembles him, too much (well, of course he was way much cooler than Wayne, I guess). And I couldn't hold my tears when hearing this Wayne guy said something like, "well if it's me, I'd stop looking and let him come to me..." (yep, that was on soulmate seeking matter). That's just too similar to what he'd once said to me.
A package of simple line, wrapped with the usual sweet comforting smile of him, our best of friends.
. . .
We love you.
Lately, I've been missing a certain person. A lot. I'd even wished to go say "hi", put a smiley icon, and continued with "you got it all wrong, boy, you really got it all wrong...", and ended it with a griney icon, on his wall. I know he won't give any reply. I know for sure. I just wanted to tell him that I did remember his comforting words back then. Oh, and I wanted to tell him that I'd just watched a tv series called 100 Questions, and there's this guy named Wayne who resembles him, too much (well, of course he was way much cooler than Wayne, I guess). And I couldn't hold my tears when hearing this Wayne guy said something like, "well if it's me, I'd stop looking and let him come to me..." (yep, that was on soulmate seeking matter). That's just too similar to what he'd once said to me.
"tenang Wid, nggak usah dicari... pasti nanti akan ada yang dateng kok..."
A package of simple line, wrapped with the usual sweet comforting smile of him, our best of friends.
. . .
We love you.
12.1.12
(ter)sesat.
mata angin tak sempat berpusing,
namun arah (telah) terlanjur terpatri.
adakah peta berskala perasaan,
yang sanggup selubungi jiwa menembus dimensi ruang,
yang sanggup pecahkan abstrak hingga serpih logika terkecil?
adakah penunjuk waktu tak berlonceng,
yang sanggup lapangkan dada merangkum guliran masa,
yang sanggup petakan ingatan bahkan yang tak tercatat lekukan dalam kepala?
dan sungguh, (ter)sesat adalah kala angin sembunyi,
(berlari) dari menghembuskan tanda pada ruang dan waktu.
namun arah (telah) terlanjur terpatri.
adakah peta berskala perasaan,
yang sanggup selubungi jiwa menembus dimensi ruang,
yang sanggup pecahkan abstrak hingga serpih logika terkecil?
adakah penunjuk waktu tak berlonceng,
yang sanggup lapangkan dada merangkum guliran masa,
yang sanggup petakan ingatan bahkan yang tak tercatat lekukan dalam kepala?
dan sungguh, (ter)sesat adalah kala angin sembunyi,
(berlari) dari menghembuskan tanda pada ruang dan waktu.
11.1.12
hijauku (bukan) hijaumu.
i still, however, have this dream of seeing his performance live on stage in New York City, one day...
Kalau ada satu hal yang berhenti saya lakukan seiring dengan semakin mendekati akhir 2011 yang lalu, maka itu adalah "merasa iri dan mudah terintimidasi".
Ya, betul, sebagai seorang perempuan Aries (lagi-lagi bawa-bawa astrologi), saya memang sangat mudah sekali merasa terintimidasi, yang (biasanya) diawali dengan rasa iri. Ini membuat saya lebih susah untuk ikut senang jika orang lain senang. Perasaan "seharusnya saya juga bisa seperti itu" sangat mendominasi, dan mengganggu ketenangan hidup. Sedikit melihat betapa hijaunya rumput tetangga langsung membuat senewen tingkat tinggi. Hidup dan apapun yang saya lakukan di dalamnya jadi terasa terkejar-kejar oleh sesuatu yang sebenarnya hanya dan hanya ada dalam pikiran saya sendiri.
Capek? Tentu saja.
Maka saya sangat bersyukur ketika akhirnya sebuah proses dan perjalanan bisa membawa saya pada satu titik di mana saya tidak peduli lagi dengan itu semua. Saya bisa memilih untuk tidak melihat hijaunya rumput pekarangan tetangga, tapi tentunya lain cerita kalau ternyata tetangga saya itu sangat suka sekali menongolkan kepalanya di atas tembok rumah saya sambil berkata ceria, "heyy, lihat pekarangan rumah saya dong!" Jder.
Saya bukan Tuhan. Saya tidak punya kuasa untuk membaca pikiran orang, apalagi menerka apa niat yang menyertai setiap ucapan mereka pada saya. Tapi, saya selalu, dan selalu, punya pilihan untuk tidak merasa terganggu dengan itu semua, apalagi merasa terintimidasi. Saya selalu punya pilihan untuk merasa damai dengan hijaunya rumput yang saya miliki sendiri, dan jika pun saya sampai merasa perlu untuk membuatnya lebih subur, lebih segar, dan lebih hijau, tentunya itu bukan karena saya melihat hijaunya rumput pekarangan tetangga, tapi lebih karena bagaimana saya bertanggung jawab atas sepetak rumput di pekarangan saya sendiri yang bahwa dia bisa tumbuh adalah satu anugrah tersendiri dari Tuhan.
Demikian.
Hijauku (bukan) hijaumu.
9.1.12
melepaskan.
"semesta adalah ruang di mana setiap jejak tertinggal akan tercatat oleh masa depan"
2011 memang tahun yang aneh. Kira-kira satu tahun yang lalu, di bulan Februari, saya menuliskan ini. Tahun ini, saat saya melakukan refleksi dan sampai pada tulisan tersebut, saya pun lalu menyadari benarnya pernyataan "berhati-hatilah kau dengan apa yang kau ucapkan".
Tentu saja, yang ada di kepala saya waktu menuliskan kata "let it go" itu berbeda dengan apa yang saya tangkap saat ini tentang kata tersebut. Waktu itu, niat saya hanya sesederhana melepaskan dia yang tidak boleh dipikirkan terus-menerus, dari dalam kepala dan hati saya. Itu saja. Tapi ternyata Tuhan mencatat kalimat tersebut secara "lain". Maka sebagai jawabanNya atas doa-doa saya di tahun 2011 yang lalu, adalah "tidak".
"Tidak" untuk selesai studi magister. "Tidak" untuk bertemu dengan calon pasangan jiwa saya.
Tiga perempat jalan dan saya pun sibuk bertanya-tanya, doa saya sederhana saja kan, Tuhan, sesulit itukah mengabulkannya?
Ketika jelas bahwa saya tidak mungkin diwisuda bulan Oktober tahun 2011 lalu, atau paling tidak sidang akhir di bulan Oktober tersebut, mendadak saya merasa menjadi orang paling bodoh. Begitu aja kok nggak bisa? Ketika bahkan sampai memasuki kuartal terakhir tahun 2011 saya tidak juga bertemu dengan seseorang yang bisa membuat saya mendadak ingin bermain di dalam kotak pasir, saya sempat tidak yakin akan pernah bisa bertemu dengan laki-laki yang hanya wujud abstraknya saja yang saat ini ada di kepala dan hati saya. Apa memang saya nggak akan bisa bertemu dengannya?
Sampai akhirnya saya memasuki masa-masa intensif menyelesaikan tesis di minggu-minggu lalu, di mana saya tidak "diijinkan" untuk memikirkan hal lain kecuali tesis, tesis, dan tesis. Di minggu-minggu itulah kewajiban saya tersebut menggenapkan tugasnya : "memaksa" saya untuk "melepaskan" hal-hal yang perlu untuk dilepaskan.
Melepaskan cita-cita bukan berarti menyerah. Melepaskan impian bukan berarti tidak percaya bahwa segala sesuatunya adalah mungkin.
Melepaskan hanya berarti menerima kekurangan diri, tanpa merasa menjadi lemah karenanya. Melepaskan hanya berarti mempercayai bahwa tidak ada satu pun di dunia ini yang milik kita. Melepaskan hanya berarti menyadari bahwa sebaik-baiknya rencana adalah yang direstui ibu dan bapak, juga mendapat ridhaNya.
Di tengah-tengah kecamuk perasaan yang tidak jelas karena tidak bisa mendapatkan apa yang saya inginkan (dan saya rasa saya butuhkan), saya merasa beruntung hati saya menemukan jalannya sendiri untuk berdamai dengan diri saya. Dan sungguhlah, berbesar hati dan ikhlas itu tidak turun dari langit tanpa adanya ujian atau sekadar palang rintang setinggi dada. Dan yakinlah tidak ada standar ujian semesta untuk hal ini. Karena setiap soal yang dibuatNya adalah istimewa. Seistimewa (setiap) manusia yang akan diujinya.
Akhirnya, tetap saja, 2011 adalah tahun yang luar biasa aneh buat saya. Tapi menyadari bahwa ada sedikittttt saja bagian dari hati saya yang mendewasa, dan sedikittttt juga dari ego saya yang meruntuh, tentunya itu adalah keanehan yang patut ditanggapi dengan senyuman dan hela nafas lega :)
Demikian, 2012 adalah tahun di mana segala keganjilan yang ada di tahun 2011 lalu akan menjadi genap. Lebih baik, dan lebih berbesar hati. Amiiinn :)
2011 memang tahun yang aneh. Kira-kira satu tahun yang lalu, di bulan Februari, saya menuliskan ini. Tahun ini, saat saya melakukan refleksi dan sampai pada tulisan tersebut, saya pun lalu menyadari benarnya pernyataan "berhati-hatilah kau dengan apa yang kau ucapkan".
Tentu saja, yang ada di kepala saya waktu menuliskan kata "let it go" itu berbeda dengan apa yang saya tangkap saat ini tentang kata tersebut. Waktu itu, niat saya hanya sesederhana melepaskan dia yang tidak boleh dipikirkan terus-menerus, dari dalam kepala dan hati saya. Itu saja. Tapi ternyata Tuhan mencatat kalimat tersebut secara "lain". Maka sebagai jawabanNya atas doa-doa saya di tahun 2011 yang lalu, adalah "tidak".
"Tidak" untuk selesai studi magister. "Tidak" untuk bertemu dengan calon pasangan jiwa saya.
Tiga perempat jalan dan saya pun sibuk bertanya-tanya, doa saya sederhana saja kan, Tuhan, sesulit itukah mengabulkannya?
Ketika jelas bahwa saya tidak mungkin diwisuda bulan Oktober tahun 2011 lalu, atau paling tidak sidang akhir di bulan Oktober tersebut, mendadak saya merasa menjadi orang paling bodoh. Begitu aja kok nggak bisa? Ketika bahkan sampai memasuki kuartal terakhir tahun 2011 saya tidak juga bertemu dengan seseorang yang bisa membuat saya mendadak ingin bermain di dalam kotak pasir, saya sempat tidak yakin akan pernah bisa bertemu dengan laki-laki yang hanya wujud abstraknya saja yang saat ini ada di kepala dan hati saya. Apa memang saya nggak akan bisa bertemu dengannya?
Sampai akhirnya saya memasuki masa-masa intensif menyelesaikan tesis di minggu-minggu lalu, di mana saya tidak "diijinkan" untuk memikirkan hal lain kecuali tesis, tesis, dan tesis. Di minggu-minggu itulah kewajiban saya tersebut menggenapkan tugasnya : "memaksa" saya untuk "melepaskan" hal-hal yang perlu untuk dilepaskan.
Melepaskan cita-cita bukan berarti menyerah. Melepaskan impian bukan berarti tidak percaya bahwa segala sesuatunya adalah mungkin.
Melepaskan hanya berarti menerima kekurangan diri, tanpa merasa menjadi lemah karenanya. Melepaskan hanya berarti mempercayai bahwa tidak ada satu pun di dunia ini yang milik kita. Melepaskan hanya berarti menyadari bahwa sebaik-baiknya rencana adalah yang direstui ibu dan bapak, juga mendapat ridhaNya.
Di tengah-tengah kecamuk perasaan yang tidak jelas karena tidak bisa mendapatkan apa yang saya inginkan (dan saya rasa saya butuhkan), saya merasa beruntung hati saya menemukan jalannya sendiri untuk berdamai dengan diri saya. Dan sungguhlah, berbesar hati dan ikhlas itu tidak turun dari langit tanpa adanya ujian atau sekadar palang rintang setinggi dada. Dan yakinlah tidak ada standar ujian semesta untuk hal ini. Karena setiap soal yang dibuatNya adalah istimewa. Seistimewa (setiap) manusia yang akan diujinya.
Akhirnya, tetap saja, 2011 adalah tahun yang luar biasa aneh buat saya. Tapi menyadari bahwa ada sedikittttt saja bagian dari hati saya yang mendewasa, dan sedikittttt juga dari ego saya yang meruntuh, tentunya itu adalah keanehan yang patut ditanggapi dengan senyuman dan hela nafas lega :)
Demikian, 2012 adalah tahun di mana segala keganjilan yang ada di tahun 2011 lalu akan menjadi genap. Lebih baik, dan lebih berbesar hati. Amiiinn :)
31.12.11
twenty eleven.
dear writings, you know i really miss you, don't you?
let me have the last peaceful battle, for once and all, will you? you know exactly what my plan for you ;)
i promise i won't let such fail in 2011 to be happened again in 2012. but, there's just something odd about the odd years, don't you think so? it's just i never expected that the oddness of this year would go beyond any of my anticipation.
but it's okay anyway.
.
.
.
and for you, dear 2011, you sure love to tease me, a lot, eh?
first you started by giving me one thing i least expected. one thing i honestly dislike to have, yet you gave me instead. and then you put me in such acceleration i never thought would give me more pressure and expectation later on. and as you could see, my biggest failure this year is not being able to manage those things. in contrary, i let myself got distracted. well, to see the bright side, thanks to this, i was finally being able to know and to enjoy real entertainment :) hey, this one i meant it! i never ever been such stressful to the point i need to be entertained properly.
by passing you, i meet lots of chance to see how this world is built with various kind of dream. i also had some chances to make new encounter with new things and new, yet actually old, people in my surroundings. there were times when things've gone the fun way, there were also times when they've gone way too annoying. but, in good and bad, things made me grow, unfortunately not wisely but with different new perspectives to see things in life.
so, if anything, i'm grateful for getting "lost" in place i though i've "known" well enough. and if i had to point out one thing that put me in state of "why oh why dear God?" it'll be that i fail to meet my only two dreams this year. no need to tell you what they were, should i? i've told you once, in secret.
and so that's it for you, dear 2011. no more. but no less. you've been really odd. really. but which odd years haven't?
.
.
.
i'm thankful for the quite hard year, especially at the last quarter until its closing, and the cold universe. but still, i'm allowed to have hopes for brighter and warmer summer of 2012, aren't i? and i'm still expecting to meet my soulmate to be in that somewhere-far-north, or somewhere-far-east ;)
but before any upcoming expectations, first things first i need to pass this one last battle. a battle towards nobody else but myself. to take a responsibility on one thing i chose a year ago, out of nothing but love.
for the sake of God, who gives me the root of any chances in life, the life itself.
for the sake of people who believe in me, even when i fail to believe my self and lost faith in things i've been dreaming of.
and for the dream itself, which had made its own path to find me.
.
to finish what i once started, once and all, is the only thing i can promise myself to close this extraordinary odd year. all out.
let me have the last peaceful battle, for once and all, will you? you know exactly what my plan for you ;)
i promise i won't let such fail in 2011 to be happened again in 2012. but, there's just something odd about the odd years, don't you think so? it's just i never expected that the oddness of this year would go beyond any of my anticipation.
but it's okay anyway.
.
.
.
and for you, dear 2011, you sure love to tease me, a lot, eh?
first you started by giving me one thing i least expected. one thing i honestly dislike to have, yet you gave me instead. and then you put me in such acceleration i never thought would give me more pressure and expectation later on. and as you could see, my biggest failure this year is not being able to manage those things. in contrary, i let myself got distracted. well, to see the bright side, thanks to this, i was finally being able to know and to enjoy real entertainment :) hey, this one i meant it! i never ever been such stressful to the point i need to be entertained properly.
by passing you, i meet lots of chance to see how this world is built with various kind of dream. i also had some chances to make new encounter with new things and new, yet actually old, people in my surroundings. there were times when things've gone the fun way, there were also times when they've gone way too annoying. but, in good and bad, things made me grow, unfortunately not wisely but with different new perspectives to see things in life.
so, if anything, i'm grateful for getting "lost" in place i though i've "known" well enough. and if i had to point out one thing that put me in state of "why oh why dear God?" it'll be that i fail to meet my only two dreams this year. no need to tell you what they were, should i? i've told you once, in secret.
and so that's it for you, dear 2011. no more. but no less. you've been really odd. really. but which odd years haven't?
.
.
.
i'm thankful for the quite hard year, especially at the last quarter until its closing, and the cold universe. but still, i'm allowed to have hopes for brighter and warmer summer of 2012, aren't i? and i'm still expecting to meet my soulmate to be in that somewhere-far-north, or somewhere-far-east ;)
but before any upcoming expectations, first things first i need to pass this one last battle. a battle towards nobody else but myself. to take a responsibility on one thing i chose a year ago, out of nothing but love.
for the sake of God, who gives me the root of any chances in life, the life itself.
for the sake of people who believe in me, even when i fail to believe my self and lost faith in things i've been dreaming of.
and for the dream itself, which had made its own path to find me.
.
to finish what i once started, once and all, is the only thing i can promise myself to close this extraordinary odd year. all out.
ruang :
duapuluhdelapan,
journal,
personal,
reflection
24.12.11
(procrastination)
is not something i would refer to wasting time doing unnecessary things which i looove, including daydreaming.
is something i would say it hard whenever i caught myself being envious of someone else's achievement. if i had time to be envious, then i should have time to make mine my own way.
and truthfully, the idea that if anybody else could do it then i definitely must be able do it too... ermm... just torture me. ahem, of course i might be able to do it if i put lots of effort on it. the thing is, unfortunately, i don't want to. if the intention were as good as to motivate others, just believe in them, alone, is more than enough.
i hate being underrated. yet it's beyond hate to be generalized together with others. if they (really) can do it, which made them then think that others must be able doing it as well, i'd prefer to be able doing something else they can't.
it's just never worth it to do thing out of intimidation. it's worse than doing it out of obligation if i may say.
.
i immediately wrote this post right after i saw one of my 'following' friends on twitter posted a status that i couldn't less agree. yet just saying "agree" sounds lame to me, i end up wrote this a little too long.
is something i would say it hard whenever i caught myself being envious of someone else's achievement. if i had time to be envious, then i should have time to make mine my own way.
and truthfully, the idea that if anybody else could do it then i definitely must be able do it too... ermm... just torture me. ahem, of course i might be able to do it if i put lots of effort on it. the thing is, unfortunately, i don't want to. if the intention were as good as to motivate others, just believe in them, alone, is more than enough.
i hate being underrated. yet it's beyond hate to be generalized together with others. if they (really) can do it, which made them then think that others must be able doing it as well, i'd prefer to be able doing something else they can't.
it's just never worth it to do thing out of intimidation. it's worse than doing it out of obligation if i may say.
.
i immediately wrote this post right after i saw one of my 'following' friends on twitter posted a status that i couldn't less agree. yet just saying "agree" sounds lame to me, i end up wrote this a little too long.
23.12.11
(jokes)
for me, there's two types of jokes in this world.
the first one are those which made me laugh out of obligation caused by the feeling of being expected by my surroundings to think they were funny.
and the second one are those which made me laugh out laud spontaneously, while listening to it alone, to the point my parents thought that i might be going crazy.
.
now, realizing my own reaction toward various kind of jokes is somewhat another big help for me to get to know myself better, yes? i gradually can say it when i actually wore mask, and when i did not.
and of course, i love myself better whenever i was on the last state.
who doesn't love themselves in their true-self mode, anyway?
the first one are those which made me laugh out of obligation caused by the feeling of being expected by my surroundings to think they were funny.
and the second one are those which made me laugh out laud spontaneously, while listening to it alone, to the point my parents thought that i might be going crazy.
.
now, realizing my own reaction toward various kind of jokes is somewhat another big help for me to get to know myself better, yes? i gradually can say it when i actually wore mask, and when i did not.
and of course, i love myself better whenever i was on the last state.
who doesn't love themselves in their true-self mode, anyway?
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