karena aku hanya terlalu rindu padamu, ksatria.
dan kamu hanya terlalu jauh dari hatiku. tanpa kamu berkeliaran di pekarangan, 
segalanya terlalu sepi.


aku hanya punya kata-kata untuk bermain,
lalu kertas putih, pensil, serta hati yang mati-matian bilang rindu padamu.


belum pernah aku setakut ini melihat kertas putih dan menggenggam pensil,
ksatria. kukira hanya kamu yang bisa mengerti ketakutanku ini,
makanya hati setengah mati mencarimu.


kali ini, ia bilang tidak akan berhenti sebelum menemuimu.


aku tak peduli lagi. 
kuserahkan semuanya padanya. 


dan padaNya.

It's been a while.

Lately, I've been missing a certain person. A lot. I'd even wished to go say "hi", put a smiley icon, and continued with "you got it all wrong, boy, you really got it all wrong...", and ended it with a griney icon, on his wall. I know he won't give any reply. I know for sure. I just wanted to tell him that I did remember his comforting words back then. Oh, and I wanted to tell him that I'd just watched a tv series called 100 Questions, and there's this guy named Wayne who resembles him, too much (well, of course he was way much cooler than Wayne, I guess). And I couldn't hold my tears when hearing this Wayne guy said something like, "well if it's me, I'd stop looking and let him come to me..." (yep, that was on soulmate seeking matter). That's just too similar to what he'd once said to me.

"tenang Wid, nggak usah dicari... pasti nanti akan ada yang dateng kok..." 

A package of simple line, wrapped with the usual sweet comforting smile of him, our best of friends.

. . .

We love you.

28 #27

"How does it feel to not getting what you've wished for?"

Failed to fetch the destinies you've imagined.

Failed to pursue the worldwide journey on your mid-twenties.

Failed to be the best, at home, at school, at work and at society.

Failed to stay committed to plans you've once schemed.

Failed to win the heart of the best man in the world you can think of.

Failed to catch the falling star, all the chances those might have been nice enough to walk close to you.

Failed to be a person you wanted yourself to be.


If it's not a despairingly heartbreaking with some bittersweet, then find me some more suitable terms. Furthermore, I actually kinda dislike the word "failed to". Yes, I did not get some things I have wished for, but I don't think it's right to address them as failures. It's just my expectation doesn't meet God's master plan. And God's master plan, if not the best and customized for me only, is never a failure.

28 #26

It's called feedback.

1.

I remembered my buddy (a partner while I was joining some self improvement training) have said things like this to me : "You're keeping your stress by yourself, how's that others suppose to know and help you out? This project is not something you should think over by yourself. This is our project." and "You know, I kinda admire you. Not every person who failed something would still be having such courage to face their failure and indeed pay it off with a far better performance on any possible upcoming chances. You're doing great, nobody's would ever know that actually you're still drowning in your last failure."

2.

Another friend of mind who's among those I used to entrust my dream and plan also gave me some lines, like : "I don't get you. You said you wanted to work on that big magazine. So, what is it with your plan to work on some urban design consultant, or this plan to get your MBA? I don't get it why is it you purposely take a non-straight path as you already know what you want? Why don't you just...go??"

3.

Another one, to whom I also shared my dreams, said : "You know, you have passion and you also have some strength as well as weaknesses. All you need is to play with them, wisely. You have to live your life, that's absolutely true. Yet, you also need to make your living to stay alive."

4.

And, my self-improvement training's coaches reminded me : "You're not in competition with anyone. You're in fight with yourself. You're your biggest enemy ever existed. Get to know your comfort zone, and leave it."

5.

The last one, I forgot was it my sister or brother, "I understand your need to be blunt and bold and firm, but it doesn't mean you need to be rude and harsh and cynical, don't you?"

.

Unfortunately, all these feedbacks couldn't be applied in my love-life folder. Too bad. The only feedback concerning the word "love" I remembered was only that told by one of my facilitator (still on the self improvement training I joined back then), "Don't you forget, that you're the love itself." So simple, yet heartbreakingly stabbed my heart.

28 #25

new york city. from James Ogle on Vimeo.

.

it's for more than the fifth avenue

.

it's for more than the big design consultant i wish to apply to

.

it's for more than the headquarter of my dream place to be

.

one day i'll put this stunning city onto my big world map board

and one day means the perfect time only me know

28 #24

Both heart or mind, might not keep a good record of things those have inspired us (in any possible ways). But, even we didn't notice it, the universe never forget to do the job. Perfectly. And as for me, if I looked back to years behind, this list was somehow slipped into my treasure box, stayed there, like, forever.

1.

Dunia Sophie, the book.

Seventeen years of living and it never crossed my mind to ask "dear mother, dear father, who am I and where did I come from?"

2.

An article concerning woman and veil by Quraish Shihab on one of his book.

I remember the statement was quite controversial, but nonetheless gave significant influence on my first lifetime decision as a muslimah. 

3.

Better Home and Garden, the magazine.

No need to say that the beginning of everything is my flash interest in interior design, which was led by this magazines. First read it when I was eleven turning twelve, an since then building my own 'home' one day, became one of my ultimate dreams.

4.

Liga Film Mahasiswa. Enough said.

Been dreaming to establish my own "home and decor" magazine one day, at first it was because of I want to learn photography. No more, no less. But in the end, I got lots more from what I'd expected. It was when and where love and hate collided. It was when and where friendship crushed with professionalism. I had my best days yet my worst days. I had all my hidden strength and weakness exploited, the ambition yet the inferiority, the leadership yet the stubbornness. It was just like what it said : "grow, learn, take risk. and have fun!" And I, could never thank enough for one big growing stage of my life.

5.

Supernova Ksatria, Puteri dan Bintang Jatuh. The first of Supernova series by Dewi Lestari.

I am totally captivated by this book. I read it countless time. And, yes, I mean really countless. And, you, do you remember this line, Ksatria?

"Puteri

Kembalilah ke puri ini.

Satu semesta mungil yang mampu melumat bumi

kalau aku mau membentangkannya.

..." 

[Supernova Ksatria, Puteri dan Bintang Jatuh, Ksatria, pg.23]

That might be the very first time you caught my heart :)

6.

National Geographic Magazines.

Almost all of nature and landscape photographers dream to work here (in my quick conclusion). I used to be one of them. But then I realized that I am not a photographer. I am just a photography lover. Moreover, I am not a nature and landscape expert. Some of my good friends, to whom I once entrusted this secret dream (oh, well it's now no longer a secret anyway) said that if I were serious about this dream, then I must strive to be the best in any field I am passionate about. Be an expert and be sure to master a specific theme of it. And that was exactly what I decided back then : to put my best and be the best expert in any field I chose, in a specific theme I desire the most. That's how I thought I had made up with my 4,5 years education.

7.

3 idiots.

Until now, I always thought that it would be irresponsible for me to say that actually I pursued the wrong path of formal education. However my condition back then, it was after all a decision made upon a full awareness. This movie was a closing reminder for me not cling on regrets that much. It's not about "why I did it wrong?", but more likely "so how should I move onward?"

Things happened for reasons. That's what I always believe. I failed Singapore. I failed Europe. It could mean anything, either "I have better different plans on you" or "You didn't put your best effort, girl!" or "So... you want this thing. Really? How can you assure Me that you deserve this thing?"

.

I might not good at certain thing, unfortunately one of the most important things in my field. But, it's okay. I might be good at another thing, unfortunately might not be one of significant matters, yet fortunately is one thing I love the most. Lucky me, I am not really interested in mere talent matter. I believe more in strength and weakness and that the best of one person is a perfect combination of those two.

8.

Urban Ecology Research Laboratory. At one of those Ivy League University in the States.

Starting my graduate education almost two years ago, I planned to be a designer, later pursuing my Ph.D and then becoming a lecturer. One thing happened and I canceled all the plans. But now, working on my thesis, finding so much interesting things from papers to books, from event to institution, and from design consultant to research center, I changed my mind. Dreams are always way up above temporary silly pride.
.

One of my thesis colleague said something sound like : "dreams, once dreamt, will eventually find its way back to us". Now, I believe in such thing. That dream never forget the heart from which it once born. That the universe also never failed on keeping it and eventually giving it back to us.

.

So, what is it, you might asked. Then, pardon me, that is my now secret dream ;)

9.

My dearest Grandpa.

If there wasn't him at the first place, leaving my teen ages phase, I don't think I would ever regained my self confidence to enter my adolescences phase. I think I would just stay in my eight, forever. *wait, that's not even counted as teen ages* I would never know how I would survive my college days without his last question for me : "are you sure you want to take architecture as your major? do you really plan to be an architect?"

.

Another important thing I learnt through my grandpa, the most important one I might say, is that no matter how precious my personal dreams might be, it can't be compared to my special disposition as a woman ; that I should know by myself when it is to take a big pause, to build my own family, raise my children and always be there for them in any kind of way ; that you can have it all, but never at the same time.

..

did you know, that "stri" from "astri" means "woman" in Sanskrit? :)

28 #23

If you can't listen full-heartedly, at least never tell a story half-heartedly, randomly fragmented and one you don't know well. People might misunderstand and then get the false idea and later end up telling others the opposite of the story.


.
And such thing had happened to me, once or twice. Both as the listener and the story-teller.

28 #22

Setelah menonton film "Pursuit of Happyness" beberapa tahun lalu, dan mendengarkan satu nasihat dari sang ayah kepada anaknya, saya pun menyesali satu hal : mendengarkan orang lain yang mengatakan saya tidak bisa melakukan sesuatu.

Terdengar sepele? Mungkin saja. Yang jelas itu membuat saya menjadi tidak ada bedanya dengan orang yang mengatakan saya tidak bisa melakukan sesuatu tersebut : mematahkan impian yang bahkan belum lahir.

.
Terpikir setelah membaca ini.

28 #21

Among my bucket list is to write a book entitled "Jokes for Dummies : between Sensibility and Instant Pleasure."


.
Fiyuhh...the hardest part of being one kind of person who's mostly tend to be serious is learning to see jokes with a cool head and accept those mostly meet our personal standards on sense of humor, of which, no need to be explained further, can't be considered equal to others'.

28 #20

I am quite agree with statement that tells us to be good friends with our emotion so we could always later control it. One of the effort, is to get to know what do you like or dislike whenever you feel like having a bad day. 


Mine? I hate it if on my bad days people were not being sensible enough not to do things extraordinarily stupid. 


It's exactly like what just has happened by the end of day. 
And to make it worst, in that case, I didn't have any chance to say that I don't like what that certain person has done. I just can't say it. Further, the thing is, it is not something that is unforgivably wrong. It's just me who feel that it's just not right either.


In the end, bad days happened to almost everyone. If others couldn't please me by being sensible enough toward how I really felt, then it's my part for being sensible enough not to take things to heart easily.  


.
Tapi, tolong atuhlah, yang namanya bercanda juga bisalah dipilih-pilih. Kapan-kapan saya mau  membuat pelatihan tentang bagaimana membedakan antara dinding dan kotak surat, juga antara bercerita dengan utuh dan bercerita dengan sepotong-sepotong (apalagi kalau motongnya di bagian yang nggak banget deh).

.
Maaf, ini adalah edisi rada emosi yang mana semua tulisan di atas dibuat tanpa mikir. *loh* 

28 #19

Why didn't you trust them to trust others? 

Was it because you didn't brave enough to help them 

heal their wounded heart caused by broken promises?

Why didn't you let them share things with others? 

Was it because you didn't want to see them 

not getting anything in return?

...if so, why then you don't just give yourself a second chance 

to see them grow properly? 

You deserve one. 

Yet, more than anything, they deserve to fly with their own wings.

.

.

.

"Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."

--- On Children (Kahlil Gibran)

half of my heart - john mayer

ini untuknya,

...laki-laki, yang sampai hari ini, ternyata masih menjadi laki-laki paling ganteng sedunia :)

28 #18

adalah penjaga langit yang setia.
kesendiriannya di angkasa, benteng batu dengan kawat berduri.

lalu ada perempuan delapanbelas tahun 

yang ingin menjadi sang putri,

hanya bisa berdiri di depan pintu gerbang kayu tebal dan kokoh.

tangan kaku tak terangkat

pun untuk sekedar mengetuk,
pertanda rasa terlalu dini mengalah pada punggung yang membalik dan menjauh 

membawa habis keberanian, tanpa menyisakan sepenggalpun bayang.

sang perempuan sekali lagi hanya bisa tertegun, 

lalu berbalik arah, 

melangkah pelan,

sambil tak pernah berhenti menengok ke belakang :

"mungkin sepuluh tahun lagi, kalau aku sudah jadi putri, aku akan kembali lagi"

28 #17

To forgive and to forget, are total different matters.


Choose, at the very least, one.




p.s. : If at some cases it must be the latter, then please not to do it as an escape.

28 #16

...and what is life without any risk at all?
But, please, be sure not to be mistaken between taking risk and being simply super stupid to the maximum!


Remember, if not a crime, suicide is a sin. A big one. The biggest one.

.

Tuhan,

Maafkanlah saya yang lemah dan tidak bisa apa-apa ini. Maafkanlah kakunya lidah dan beratnya tangan serta kaki di kala seharusnya mereka menjalankan tugas yang lebih dari sekadar bertanggung jawab pada diri sendiri. Engkaulah yang memberikan nikmat. Engkau pula yang memberikan teguran. Dengan cara, dengan jalan yang telah hanya Engkau tentukan.

Berikanlah keberanian yang sebesar-besarnya pada hati saya untuk bergerak pada yang baik. Berikanlah saya kekuatan pula untuk menyerahkan apapun sebagai penggantinya.

Sungguh hanya Engkau Sang Maha Pengampun, dan hanya kepadaMu saya serahkan segala perkara. Dan hanya milikMu segala kebenaran yang ada di langit dan di bumi.


Amiiinnn.

.

:'(

28 #15

to avoid seeing you in a dream, i’ll do whatever it takes, even if it means that i have to stay all night

.

.

.

the music makes my heart aches, maybe that's among what Rachmaninov once felt,

it reminds me of how it took countless time to fall, yet it also took the exact same amount to break

.

.

but if it was you,

.

i'd love to take no limit.

.

unfortunately, it wasn't you.

indeed, it was never you.

limit does exist

28 #14

Tadi malam aku bermimpi memelukmu.
Kita sedang berada di daratan yang sama rupanya.

Jarak memendek.
Nafas mendekat.
Rindu tertumpah.
Hati berdebar.
Dan senyum yang sama tersungging.

Betul. Aku rindu padamu. Selalu.

. . .

Tapi, saat terjaga, kenyataan pun berbisik,

bahwa jarak tetap membentang, panjang,
bahwa nafas tetap jauh, dan masih milik masing-masing,
bahwa rindu tetap tertahan, dan siap meledak lewat tangis...

bahwa hati tak pernah benar-benar berhenti berdebar dengan selipan harap, walau hanya setitik,
dan senyum yang sama, juga tetap tersungging, di sini dan di sana.

. . .

(Rupanya) aku (masih) rindu padamu.

28 #13

“Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.”

—	Mark Twain

.


And somewhere here means both space and time.

28 #12

Sayang sekali, hari Sabtu 29 Maret 2011 kemarin saya melewatkan fenomena supermoon.
Padahal saya setengah berharap bisa berpose di bawahnya sambil berkata,

"dengan kekuatan bulan, akan kucari kau ke ujung dunia".

*pret*

.

Semoga delapanbelas tahun lagi saya bisa melihat sang sailormoon, ehm, maksudnya supermoon, 

dari halaman belakang rumah kami, ehm, rumah saya dan rumahnya maksudnya.