dear Azalea,
i'm sorry i'm lost on my way to get you. the path that supposedly take me to you suddenly vanished just like that. okay, to tell you the truth, my mind did wander. i did not take a good watch over our distance.
but you know Azalea, never once i put you into a box. you're always and forever will be in my mind. my heart, as well, won't let you be forgotten. because, one day, you'll be my everything that no dreams ever matter any longer. even those flashy ones.
hence, i don't want you to wait for me. i want you to grow instead. i'd love to see any possible version of you. your good, and your bad. when we finally met, i'd gave up any of my expectation on you. you may surprise me since i'd love your challenge. you deserve no less than unconditional love.
you know another thing, Azalea? one thing i'm preparing myself right now to give you someday is a trust. however, while secretly wishing that when the time comes, the world won't be too scary for you. or, rather, that you will be bold enough to befriend with it.
well, you'll find by any means that i was never good at sweet words, Azalea. finding love actually scratch more of bittersweet feels. you know, that feeling you had after unwrapping an empty box. but i am indeed selfish, Azalea. i won't really wish that you'll be immune of such bittersweetness.
your first love letter should be written out of one.
lots of love,
I.
.
ps : but, please don't shock your A too much. to him, you are forever his sweet little Lila.
28.2.15
22.2.15
i really hope they don't use a happiness index as an only excuse to forget the real thing.
- among those few residents who rather long for good systems
than just beautification of elements those only lasts as far as the eyes can see,
because, you know order is a beautiful thing.
and i don't buy decent make up and dressing over a systematic-know-your-priorities approach -
17.2.15
15.2.15
[a view] you're my superstar (part 1, a feeling)
 |
| Taeyang World Tour - RISE in Jakarta, 14 February 2015 (personal doc). |
Truth is, I'm still on my hangover period, so I'd make it short this time. I still can't believe myself for (finally) being able to come to his SOLO concert. I thought, GD solo and Bigbang 'mini concert' at F1 Opening Night in Singapore would all that. But when Taeyang put Jakarta on his list for his world tour, how could I not going?
It was such an awesome performance. A flawless acts by the superstar. Details would be posted later after I'm sober enough. The feels, however, was much different from those GD and Bigbang performances I had watched before. I love either of those, anyway. What's there not to love about the boys?
It's because this one superstar is my bias, there's a very subjective personal overflowing feelings while I was watching the whole show. How come that boy on stage in front of me, who sing and dance, and smile and communicate (sometimes using some Indonesian general phrases), is a real thing as well as being the same one who took my fangirl-heart away four years ago?
While at the same time I was actually had loads of various things in my chest, I took the chance to just shout them all out. Of course in a sound of his name. A pretty much sweet escape, isn't he? Except for being sweeter than an escape, he is. As worn out as I might be, I was wholeheartedly satisfied. And were I happy? Well, as far as I could remember, he gave me no reason not to feel happy afterwards.
Speaking back about the hangover, you see, when it was GD and Bigbang, I had the hangover right after the show finished until the next morning. But, when it comes to Dong Young Bae, the night after the show, I was surprisingly too tired for a hangover. But when I woke up at the next morning, which means this morning, I knew the hangover was just about to start and it was gonna be the hardest from all. So, the detailed notes would take the times it needed. Meanwhile : Bigbang (mini) concert checked, GD solo concert checked, YB solo concert checked.
Herewith I say that my life as a fangirl is completed ;)
12.2.15
"one shouldn't trying hard to get used to broken hearts. each breaking has its own distinct pain one should experience just as much as the heart could take. scars does not relate to purity."
i thought a broken heart is just some sort of typical sickness you had a certain remedy you could always take whenever it appears. but turns out it wasn't such of sort. when a heart broke, and then by any means it was healed, it was never the same exact one anymore. so when next time it got broken again, well, you'd most likely need any other means to heal it. and by any other means, it was anything but time.
i hope a fairly decent start is not too much to ask as something worth all those broken hearts.
i hope a fairly decent start is not too much to ask as something worth all those broken hearts.
29.1.15
1994.
while winter crawling to its end, slowly farewells preparing the parties.
and it's not about a changing year.
a white winter is a best possible time to end things, and to start others in queue. not spring. because spring definitely is a better time to build a connection. to understand more. to fall in love, to fall out it. to catch the falling cherry blossom petals before the ground. with loved ones, on a checkered table cloth of blue and white.
and then summer came a little bit too late. a perfect round of forgetting, and letting go. of things we haven't yet owned. a realization might come at the last minutes. and that's normal. nothing are too false nor too true when it comes to building trusts. those might crashed by the cliff. or went safely to the glass house. nothing is eternal, as sun never stay put at a seat.
finally it's fall. when the need of settling down finally took over the thoughts. that's when you take a look at the hourglass in the corner of your bookshelf. and gave it an exhale. a long one. you never took the hard-to-count sands as a metaphor of your year-time regrets. you never had any time to regret things to begin with. but it all became a different matter when you decide to get off the bar stool, going home, and make a comfort out of your broken-white couch.
the parties are over.
and it's not to celebrate another circle of a year.
because pains are growing, with different shades among each of us.
and unfortunately those come in perfect round yearly.
and it's not about a changing year.
a white winter is a best possible time to end things, and to start others in queue. not spring. because spring definitely is a better time to build a connection. to understand more. to fall in love, to fall out it. to catch the falling cherry blossom petals before the ground. with loved ones, on a checkered table cloth of blue and white.
and then summer came a little bit too late. a perfect round of forgetting, and letting go. of things we haven't yet owned. a realization might come at the last minutes. and that's normal. nothing are too false nor too true when it comes to building trusts. those might crashed by the cliff. or went safely to the glass house. nothing is eternal, as sun never stay put at a seat.
finally it's fall. when the need of settling down finally took over the thoughts. that's when you take a look at the hourglass in the corner of your bookshelf. and gave it an exhale. a long one. you never took the hard-to-count sands as a metaphor of your year-time regrets. you never had any time to regret things to begin with. but it all became a different matter when you decide to get off the bar stool, going home, and make a comfort out of your broken-white couch.
the parties are over.
and it's not to celebrate another circle of a year.
because pains are growing, with different shades among each of us.
and unfortunately those come in perfect round yearly.
18.1.15
januari.
setiap dinding jiwa punya gelisahnya masing-masing.
ada yang tersamar lukisan semburat merah matahari terbit, tergantung sempurna pada sisi pertama. ada yang cukup tersapu dengan cat tembok berwarna abu-abu. ada yang siap terpasang, namun paku terpalu tak tepat pada titiknya. ada yang menetap dengan tirai tipis berwarna putih.
dan setiap gelisah punya payung peneduhnya, genggaman jemari penenang, atau sepasang telinga yang selalu ada. setiap gelisah adalah hujan bukan badai, ketukan tak berirama pada lapis kaca di atas meja, dan cerita yang melingkar.
tuhan maha adil.
sebuah gelisah tak kan lahir, tanpa hembusan nafas yang memeluknya.
dan setiap hembusan nafas adalah pilihan untuk berserah pada kesadaran.
setiap dinding jiwa punya gelisahnya masing-masing.
dan tidak semua gelisah adalah tanya.
ada yang tersamar lukisan semburat merah matahari terbit, tergantung sempurna pada sisi pertama. ada yang cukup tersapu dengan cat tembok berwarna abu-abu. ada yang siap terpasang, namun paku terpalu tak tepat pada titiknya. ada yang menetap dengan tirai tipis berwarna putih.
dan setiap gelisah punya payung peneduhnya, genggaman jemari penenang, atau sepasang telinga yang selalu ada. setiap gelisah adalah hujan bukan badai, ketukan tak berirama pada lapis kaca di atas meja, dan cerita yang melingkar.
tuhan maha adil.
sebuah gelisah tak kan lahir, tanpa hembusan nafas yang memeluknya.
dan setiap hembusan nafas adalah pilihan untuk berserah pada kesadaran.
setiap dinding jiwa punya gelisahnya masing-masing.
dan tidak semua gelisah adalah tanya.
5.1.15
2015.
cita-cita dan jatuh cinta, memang hampir selalu tentang dan tidak jauh-jauh dari rumah.
adalah sebuah
"bagaimana pun aku cinta padamu, bukan dengan sederet alasan, tapi lebih pada sederet walaupun"
.
memiliki rumah, memiliki tempat berpijak dengan segala keragu-raguan.
memiliki rumah, memiliki penjaga untuk kotak-kotak berumur tentang bagaimana hari ini menjadi.
memiliki rumah, memiliki lemari tempat menitipkan cita-cita.
memiliki rumah, memiliki sebuah tempat terjatuh yang teduh ketika tergelincir pada nama cinta.
. . .
menetapkan hati pada sebuah rumah,
adalah perjalanan panjang setitik rasa yang bertumbuh melewati batasan semesta.
.
2015.
sepenggal jalur untuk ditapaki sebaik-baiknya.
satu tahun yang baik,
seperti setiap yang sudah lalu,
sebagaimana pada mereka cita-cita lahir dan bertumbuh, cinta jatuh dan berdiri.
ps :
i'm hoping to being done with all the greed.
this year will be a nice one. and that's beyond enough :)
this year will be a nice one. and that's beyond enough :)
1.1.15
a script on another might be about falling in love.
2015.
there's gonna be a lot notes about falling in love.
maybe it's still not the time.
maybe the time has already passed, who knew?
maybe it's about the wrong person,
maybe, or maybe, it's about the wrong time.
maybe, it's just the wrong side of heart,
a wrong side of soul.
maybe there's time difference in how our heart flips.
maybe there's a split screen on how our feelings being unmutual.
maybe there's an undo button right before the love fell from sky.
maybe the story starts in an imaginary parallel universe, if there's one.
.
it might, however, also be the exact time.
the destined one on the destined time.
with the right side of heart and soul.
it might, as well, that time difference was just about a perspective.
the split screen didn't even valid as reasons, as they were not virtual.
and an undo button, was just, as much, not needed.
because love falls against all prerequisites,
and those include another opened heart to catch.
there's gonna be a lot notes about falling in love.
maybe it's still not the time.
maybe the time has already passed, who knew?
maybe it's about the wrong person,
maybe, or maybe, it's about the wrong time.
maybe, it's just the wrong side of heart,
a wrong side of soul.
maybe there's time difference in how our heart flips.
maybe there's a split screen on how our feelings being unmutual.
maybe there's an undo button right before the love fell from sky.
maybe the story starts in an imaginary parallel universe, if there's one.
.
it might, however, also be the exact time.
the destined one on the destined time.
with the right side of heart and soul.
it might, as well, that time difference was just about a perspective.
the split screen didn't even valid as reasons, as they were not virtual.
and an undo button, was just, as much, not needed.
because love falls against all prerequisites,
and those include another opened heart to catch.
catatan tertinggal, 2014.
rotasi matahari tak pernah terlalu biasa,
tak ada jeda yang dapat tercuri darinya tak menjadikannya tak istimewa.
hanya sebuah hari yang berbalik
adalah sesederhana siang yang berganti layar dengan malam.
demikian pula dengan hari ini dan esok.
tak ada jeda yang dapat tercuri darinya tak menjadikannya tak istimewa.
hanya sebuah hari yang berbalik
adalah sesederhana siang yang berganti layar dengan malam.
demikian pula dengan hari ini dan esok.
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