a day when the light starts to dim.

things i dearly miss :

having a slow morning, a jog a way and a cup of coffee later.
taking a photograph patiently, of sunrises and sunsets, with analog camera and one full roll of bracketing.
anxiously waiting for the pictures to be developed, getting hyped when the colors tone turned well and frowning when i found out that the film didn't roll! that happened.
reading a third-point-of-view book in the corner of a silent small library.
effortlessly writing a very personal-muse-driven poetry and sending them all to the universe.
doing things not because i am told that i was good at it. or because it was a cool thing to do. but simply because i love it and i once thought i could not live without it.
fall in love by heart, not mind. yeah, it happened almost all the time with me. weirdly, except on that one time.
solo travelling. oh i miss this one so damn much.

and you, long nights of autumn.

.april

karena apa adanya nafas yang masih berhembus,

dan tangan yang meragu untuk menitik

adalah sebuah rindu  tertahan

akan untaian dari hati,

yang lalu berlilit, berkelit, mencari jalan

untuk pulang kembali hanya kepada hati.

april di ujung musim,

akan datang, akan menari bersama, dan akan kembali berlalu.

sebuah simpul, sebuah jeda, sebuah perhentian sesaat : 

tak pernah awal dan tak pernah akhir.

selama hujan masih menirai,

dan tanah masih mewangi,

april akan melambai perlahan

dengan senyum merekah dan payung merah di tangan kanan.

31 maret.

hujan bulan maret,
halangi lalu lalang cerita
dari kuping ke kuping.

mendung pekat,
payungi hati yang penuh tanya
akan sebilang resah yang tumbuh dari tanah.

deras cerita pukul sembilan,
riuh warnai lembar hitam tanpa batas
dari langit kembali ke langit.

ia yang memetik rindu di ujung hari,
menyambung rasa
dari hati ke hati.

laki-laki peneduh (2)

seperti bukit di hari yang baru terbangun,
menguap pelan-pelan,
mempersiapkan bibir untuk memberikan senyuman :
semacam penenang untuk hati tak bertuan.

laki-laki peneduh (1)

dia mengingat-ingat :
tentang lelaki impiannya,yang tergambar jelas di depan muka tigabelas tahun silam.

sebuah sosok yang tegap dalam bimbangnya,
dan bayang-bayang yang datang dan pergi : meragu ia pada sebuah rencana.

dia mengingat-ingat :
tentang anak perempuan dambaannya, yang namanya terpatri sejak usia empat belas.

sebuah sosok yang teguh dalam setiap lintasnya,
dan senyum yang terekam abadi : berserah ia pada serangkai ketetapan.

maka hati.

biarlah malam padam seperti biasa,
wahai kamu yang sedang perpeluh hati.
ia dengan sempurna hitamnya
penyeka bulir keringat yang berlari.

biarlah malam nyenyak sesekali,
wahai kamu yang sedang benci-bencinya pada sepi.
ia dengan tanpa mimpinya
pelipur rekahnya merah luka.

maka biarlah malam sendiri,
dan berjaraklah sunyi dari hati.

a love letter.

dear Azalea,

i'm sorry i'm lost on my way to get you. the path that supposedly take me to you suddenly vanished just like that. okay, to tell you the truth, my mind did wander. i did not take a good watch over our distance.

but you know Azalea, never once i put you into a box. you're always and forever will be in my mind. my heart, as well, won't let you be forgotten. because, one day, you'll be my everything that no dreams ever matter any longer. even those flashy ones.

hence, i don't want you to wait for me. i want you to grow instead. i'd love to see any possible version of you. your good, and your bad. when we finally met, i'd gave up any of my expectation on you. you may surprise me since i'd love your challenge. you deserve no less than unconditional love.

you know another thing, Azalea? one thing i'm preparing myself right now to give you someday is a trust. however, while secretly wishing that when the time comes, the world won't be too scary for you. or, rather, that you will be bold enough to befriend with it.

well, you'll find by any means that i was never good at sweet words, Azalea. finding love actually scratch more of bittersweet feels. you know, that feeling you had after unwrapping an empty box. but i am indeed selfish, Azalea. i won't really wish that you'll be immune of such bittersweetness.

your first love letter should be written out of one.


lots of love,

I.


.
ps : but, please don't shock your A too much. to him, you are forever his sweet little Lila.

i really hope they don't use a happiness index as an only excuse to forget the real thing. 

- among those few residents who rather long for good systems

than just beautification of elements those only lasts as far as the eyes can see,

because, you know order is a beautiful thing.

and i don't buy decent make up and dressing over a systematic-know-your-priorities approach -

currently needed :

01/ "how to improve your sense of humor in line with being more easy going and playful and less serious" for dummies.

02/ "how to use the most of feelings and the least of thinking on daily basis" for the beginner.


(not quiet) desperately.

[a view] you're my superstar (part 1, a feeling)

Taeyang World Tour - RISE in Jakarta, 14 February 2015 (personal doc).

Truth is, I'm still on my hangover period, so I'd make it short this time. I still can't believe myself for (finally) being able to come to his SOLO concert. I thought, GD solo and Bigbang 'mini concert' at F1 Opening Night in Singapore would all that. But when Taeyang put Jakarta on his list for his world tour, how could I not going?

It was such an awesome performance. A flawless acts by the superstar. Details would be posted later after I'm sober enough. The feels, however, was much different from those GD and Bigbang performances I had watched before. I love either of those, anyway. What's there not to love about the boys?

It's because this one superstar is my bias, there's a very subjective personal overflowing feelings while I was watching the whole show. How come that boy on stage in front of me, who sing and dance, and smile and communicate (sometimes using some Indonesian general phrases), is a real thing as well as being the same one who took my fangirl-heart away four years ago?

While at the same time I was actually had loads of various things in my chest, I took the chance to just shout them all out. Of course in a sound of his name. A pretty much sweet escape, isn't he? Except for being sweeter than an escape, he is. As worn out as I might be, I was wholeheartedly satisfied. And were I happy? Well, as far as I could remember, he gave me no reason not to feel happy afterwards.

Speaking back about the hangover, you see, when it was GD and Bigbang, I had the hangover right after the show finished until the next morning. But, when it comes to Dong Young Bae, the night after the show, I was surprisingly too tired for a hangover. But when I woke up at the next morning, which means this morning, I knew the hangover was just about to start and it was gonna be the hardest from all. So, the detailed notes would take the times it needed. Meanwhile : Bigbang (mini) concert checked, GD solo concert checked, YB solo concert checked.

Herewith I say that my life as a fangirl is completed ;)