[notes] a broken heart : a clarity.

when you had your heart broken, time unconsciously stopped for you.
so it's no surprise that for certain pairs of eyes, you're always be eight. or fourteen. or nineteen. or twenty one. and the bigger universe sees you, still, as a passer by.

when you had your heart broken, you blindfold yourself with what so called 'a cancelled future'.
it is indeed a future. it's just not yours.
you know that very well, but nonetheless you marked it. with the permanent marker.
(but, you see, in actual world it was untouchable. nor temporary marker, nor permanent one, could ever left a dot.)

when you had your heart broken, you wrote as much on your journal, thinking it was a therapy.
but there's no such thing a therapy for broken heart, is it? well, pragmatically it's broken.
you don't do therapy for a broken heart. you just wiped off the pieces, clean the dusts, and make up the mess. and all you need, is really, blank papers and ink. or pencil, without an eraser.

when you had your heart broken, you just can't trust people's eyes.
simply because you're too afraid to find a place of escape on them.
because, you know, running away from a broken heart, your heart that is, is way too much.

when you had your heart broken, it might be a clarity.
a clearance of all doubts. a cleaning of all unspoken self-hatred.
a serene vision towards a quietly-queuing-in-line future.


#notes : this post was meant to be something fictional, a proof of too much listening to Coldplay's Ghost Stories, Taeyang's Rise, Gorillaz's On Melancholy Hills, and Damon Albarn's Lonely Press Play & Heavy Seas of Love.

[Juni] malam.

tahu-tahu Juni sudah berakhir.
di hari terakhir ia pulang subuh. ingin memperpanjang barang beberapa jam, katanya.
tapi sayang sekali, Juli adalah si teguh yang sudah mengambil tempatnya.
sehingga Juni tak bisa pulang.
rumahnya sudah tergeser.
malam ternyata bisa tak setia dalam menjaga.

yang tersisa hanya lah surat yang datang di jam yang tidak biasa, pukul empat pagi :
"aku masih menunggumu di sini,
di bawah mata besar,
di depan gedung yang semuanya serba lebih, tempat mereka berpesta setahun yang lalu.
dua musim, empat musim, tanpa musim, tak ada dalam kamusku.
menunggumu tak tertandakan oleh waktu.
boleh aku masih berharap saat kamu tiba nanti, kamu akan membawa selamanya?

mungkin dengan begitu aku bisa memaafkanmu."

tunggulah September, lalu Oktober, dan akhirnya November membawa jawaban.
karena Juli dan Agustus terlalu malas untuk menulis,
bahkan untuk hanya satu baris :

"aku (pun) merindukanmu. separuh nafas. sehabisnya waktu. berkalinya jarak."

[Juni] penyeberangan.

kesunyian adalah jalan layang yang membelah pantai, juga sesekali sawah
bersama deretan mobil berkecepatan 1 kilometer per jam
berkejaran dengan matahari yang memerah dan merendah
untuk lebih dulu sampai di rumah, tempat hati sekali lagi terpejam.

[journal] High High

June, 15th 2013 marked as one of memorable Saturday for me. It was my first (ever!) concert experience : G-Dragon's 1st World Tour One of A Kind (OOAK) Concert in MEIS, Jakarta.  

At first I hesitated to go. I LOVE BIGBANG is one fact no doubt about, but to go to a concert of one of its member's solo act seem to be a little bit too much for me (well, except for Taeyang I suppose *eh*). However, later I decided to go due to some feeling I had when suddenly remember my-sitting-in-the-corner-crownstick and that annoying itchy feeling of regret for not going the Bigbang's 1st Alive Tour Concert last year. 

So I got the ticket. Waiting excitedly. And then suddenly there was this drama of which I almost had to have an overtime on that very Saturday, however in the end I managed to finish all my task (read : two project reports) just in time (read : one exact hour before my travel departed to Jakarta). I was even amazed of my own ability (yes i'm bragging, once in a life, please), for being able not not sleep at all at that very night before the concert. For the sake of attending the concert peacefully without any unfinished obligations. So then, I went to Jakarta, couldn't get some sleep while traveling, spent almost four hour to reach Jakarta. In short, I lost all of my energy. I feel less excited by the time I arrived at the concert venue, and actually worried what if the show wouldn't come out as great as I was always expecting. What if the price didn't paid off. What if something went wrong technically. What if I end up regretting coming here. 

A ticket for the middle tribune area. Next time I'd make sure I'll be able to get the VIP section ;)

Finally it's time to get into the stadium. Finding my seat, waiting for the time the show to start while watching GD's music videos on the screens besides the stage (with sleepy eyes I must say). So that's "That XX" clip. That's "Crayon". That's "Michi GO". And the lights went off. The music kept playing. The big white screen covering the main stage fell down. And that's...that's...that's G-DRAGON!!! I knew the show has started. 

I scream, out loud. I jumped. I forgot I haven't slept at all the night before. But what to care, it's Kwon Jiyong at that stage right in front of my eyes!

The crown stick on use. One thing I weirdly insisted to have soon after I knew I won't make it to Bigbang's Alive Tour Concert in Jakarta, so that one day I got reason to go to one of their future concert.

The concert flow was perfect. The set list order was arranged not for nothing. Opened with his newest single, Michi GO, followed by Heartbreaker, One of A Kind, Light It Up (with special visual appearance of Tablo, I don't get the technology though, which seem so real I almost freaked out "oh my, it's Tablo!"), and The Leader (also with the same special visual appearance, this time of CL). Those were just right songs to brought the mood high! 

And then break. 

At the next session, the mood was calmer with the set of his slower songs. Started with Butterfly (which was my most favorite stage that night), followed by Missing You, That XX, Without You, and Today (which brought back the higher mood). And then another break. Continued with another upbeat set list, started with A Boy, continued with Knock Out (and there came T.O.P.), High High (oughhh...with this I could cross one of my wish list off : to see this song's live performance, happiness level : high high), Turn It Up (which is actually TOP's solo song, and much later I just realized how lucky Indonesian VIPs were to see this performance since the last time he performed it was in 2010 if I'm not mistaken), and This Love. 

Intermezzo : because of attending this concert with TOP as the guest star, I finally understand why those ladies were so crazy over him. Well, his deep voice while both singing and rapping, gaze, and moves, were all equally super strong and sexy. No worries Ladies, to me still YB is the one and only *super biased fan-girl mode* ;) I used to felt so upset when knowing that TOP will be the guest star for concert it Jakarta. I've always wished it would be YB. But seeing the performance, well, that night TOP was indeed the perfect guest to be there. 

Back to the show, here's another set list. The last session, started with 1 Year Station, followed by Gossip Man (okay, I admit I forgot whether this song was actually concluded in the show or not >.< I just got some mixed feeling that I heard this song was performed), Obsession, She's Gone and Crayon. 

And GD said good bye. And of course we all wanted more. And of course he came back to stage ;)

So for encore we got Breathe, Bad Boy, and Crayon remixed with Fantastic Baby (as performed in MAMA 2012, Hongkong). In Fantastic Baby, TOP joined GD again as his last performance as a guest star. And finally GD really ended his show with another Michi Go and introduction to his team, the band and the dancers. And the show really came to an end. The lights went on with an empty stage.

And yes, it was GREAT! 

As in G R E A T ! ! !

My first concert. My first party. My first hangover.

My full bow for you, thank you G-DRAGON, for making it so memorable :

how you communicate to us with perfect set-list, beautiful stage with amazing digital visual art, superb dances, and that stable voice (to note you did all the song live!).

You really are wonderful (oh I know this not even the best word to describe), dear leader :)

ps 1. : I'm sorry if there're mistakes in the set list, since I actually always almost got carried away with the performances during the show that I was not being able to take note of the actual song list.

ps 2. : Earlier expectation? This show definitely goes beyond it. Period.

[Juni] Siang.

tidak pernah ada kata kesiangan dalam menyambut pagi.
jika kamu bangun, dan dia tidak ada
tunggu saja sebentar. mungkin sudah waktunya berkeliling menyapa tetangga

jika sebentar menjadi terlalu lama, berilah tunggu sedikit sebentar lagi.
siapa tahu kali ini justru kamu menjadi yang pertama menyapanya.
sungguhpun tidak ada kata kesiangan baginya, dalam kesetiaan perputarannya.

[Juni] Tengah malam.

mungkin begini tengah malam memperkenalkan
dirinya pada juni :
aku adalah di mana hati-hati berteriak paling kencang,
juga di mana para pemiliknya tertidur paling lelap.

[Juni] Bangku kayu.

bangku kayu kehujanan di sudut taman,
setia kokoh tak berpayung
menunggu cerita menutur diri, bukan semata jadi terukir

seperti juni yang basah kehujanan,
bersabar mencapai oktober
menunggu tempat pulang, musim yang milik hujan.

[Juni] Akhir pekan.

pada awalnya, jalan pulang selalu ada di sana

semua hanya tinggal "ingin lewat jalan mana?"

pada akhirnya, jalan pulang selalu bergeming

semua hanya tinggal "kamu mau pulang?"

[Juni] Langit merah.

fasa, ataupun jeda
langit merah, ia indah karena ketakabadiannya.
mengelus hati, menutup mata :
selamat tinggal yang diburu selamat tiba.

kembali di rumah, kembali pada hari, kembali dalam hati.